Today I have guilt. I have not been to see my Aunt Nina for two weeks. I saw her just before the 4th of July weekend and since then I have not been back, and I have only called once. Honestly, Mark does so much more for her then I do, going by and checking on her house, getting her mail, and also stopping by to see her and pay her bills. All I do is visit once a week and move her from one facility to the other and bank for her and handle any other details that come up. The hard part is that we have been "helping her out" for so long she is now taking it for granted. When this whole adventure started with her we were trying to help out someone in my family that had no one else to turn to. Now it feels like a giant weight, since there is a lot of expectation and not a lot of appreciation.
Mark and I did not start out helping Aunt Nina because we expected anything in return, but now it feels uncomfortable. I feel trapped and forced and it is not the pleasure it once was. When I visit she compares me to the girlfriend of her daughter Dana's ex-husband. This girlfriend as you might recall visits several days a week for several hours. I cannot offer that to my Aunt. As I have mentioned before, I live forty minutes away and when I visit she is more focused on complaining and eating then she is on visiting. I have to say in all fairness, that I am not sure how I would be at 92, but with this living example from my Aunt, I am sure that I would not choose to behave this way. She has actually told people "If she thinks she is going to keep me in this place, she has another thing coming!" she as in me, as if I have some dark evil plan against her. Interesting, since she is the one that told me to set this new living arrangement at the senior community up, which I did, and had her paperwork done and her moved in six days.
The desire to jump through hoops and keep her happy is waning and with that has started the procrastination. I am not proud of these feelings and I am constantly beating myself up for not being a better great niece to this woman. It would just be nice to feel like there is more appreciation than expectation, it would be easier to jump in the car and make my way to visit her, since the reality is that this will not happen, I have to put on my big girls pants today and climb in the car and visit my aunt, so I best get moving before I change my mind. Perhaps that will keep the guilt at bay for another week or so.
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