The Smile

In 1968 my Mom married her second husband, Joe. This relationship tore apart my mother and her parents. My Grandmother was highly opposed to my mom even seeing Joe let alone marrying him but my mom was a typical woman that was charmed by Joe's charisma and cash and felt that she knew best, so she married Joe. This meant we left my Grandparent's home where we were living at the time and started a new life moving in with Joe.

Joe was not a family man. I would have to say that the fact that he beat me with a belt and my punishment for almost any misbehavior at all was banishment to my room for hours on end was just the tip of the iceberg. He ran around with other women, slept with a gun under his pillow and beat my mom, a real stand up guy (insert look of sarcasm). I wish this was all a lie, but it is not.

In one of the final boxes I received a few months back of my mom's belongings, I came across the picture above. This picture was taken the day my mom married Joe. I was my mom's flower girl and I was so excited to dress up in a new "fancy" dress with pretty white shoes and stylish hair. I remember that the picture was taken at Joe's mother's home and that Grandma did not come to the wedding. Only Grandaddy came that day to walk mom down the aisle and I do not recall there being very many other people there.

I keep looking at this picture that was stuffed in the bottom of the box. What a beautiful open happy smile. I wish I could smile like that now. For years I have complained to my family that I do not like my smile in pictures. My smile these days looks half hearted and angled and not as happy. This little girl looks so happy with a toothy wide grin and she is putting her whole heart into it. I cannot help to wonder every time I look at the picture where that smile went.

I know this is a strange thing to ponder, but it makes me sad to think that life can change even the nuance of a person's smile. That an open hearted toothy girl, with a smile so big, can grow up to reserve her smile and heart. Between my mom's marriage to the second husband and now, there has been a lot of life, some days it feels like too much life. While my life now makes me happier then I have ever been, I still struggle to find what makes me happiest and I never see this little girls smile anymore.

I continue to look at this picture and wonder what could have been different. How could I have kept that smile? Can a person go through life with the same youthful enthusiasm they had when they were 8 years old, or does life change us all over time? My family finds me now randomly holding this photo out in front of me asking, where did that smile go and how do I get it back? A lot has happened since 1968 and while I cannot change the past and the sadness of a broken family, I am determined to find that little girls smile and bring it back to life.