Sense of Calm

Having time away this past weekend was amazing. Mark and I had dropped our youngest off to spend the weekend with her college sister and then we spent the weekend touring the city near her college town. It was freeing and relaxing and centering all in one fell swoop. The time away was a chance to remind ourselves why we liked each other in the first place and reconnect.

Now here is the rub…this morning I am once again tight as a top, ready to spring any minute. Being away was a wonderful way to reconnect, but as soon as I arrived home, I could feel myself folding back up and my personal protection gear gathering around. The fun devil may care girl has disappeared and the agenda Mom is back. I hate it!

I would like to be that fun devil may care girl all of the time. I would like to be an easy going without a care in the world person in real life too, but I am not. Reality is that I am the person the keeps things going around here. I watch schedules, eating habits and health issues. I clean the house, the clothes, many times the cars and the yard and without fail I am the one that is called when there is a need of any kind. That's what Mom's and Wives do.

The expectation that I would walk in from our weekend away and remain careless and free spirited is ridiculous, yet this morning I am missing that sense of calm. The inner peace of freedom and careless joy of having no boundaries changes me. I become a happy person that teases my husband and laughs easily. My heart is light until I step into my homes doorway and realize I am out of coffee and I have nothing for dinner tonight. Suddenly the needs of others and the management of the lives entrusted to me are once again a priority.

I am listening to the washing machine running, I have fed the dogs and I have given several quick directives to my husband who has the misfortune of having the day off and being stuck with a woman who has lost her sense of fun and calm and is fighting the inner stress brought on by knowing that while my family is off today, I am still on duty. That explains the sore knot I feel in my neck and the scowl I am wearing as I write today.

My goal today is to work on finding a way to straddle both worlds. I want to find my sense of calm and inner fun lover while remaining task oriented and driven. These two personalities being polar opposites I am thinking I will have a battle on my hands. It does appear however that our pets have come to my aid and as I write this final paragraph I have one cat sitting on my shoulder and one in my lap, a dog at my elbow and another at my feet. The animal kingdom is here to save the day. Now if I can rally the people of my home for a little more reconnection and fun maybe I can reclaim a small slice of the girl that is trying to make a break for it. Maybe just maybe she does not have to hide away at all perhaps the two of us can become one centered, relaxed and goal and task oriented wife and mother with a sense of calm…you can stop laughing now!