Lost

I was part of a conversation recently where antidepressants were discussed. I will not lie to you I have been on antidepressants on and off for different reasons, starting with the baby blues after my middle daughter was born and my grandma died. From there it seemed easy to revert back to chemical solutions whenever things were too tough for me to handle. There was a point however when I realized that I did not like the person that I was when I was on antidepressants. I knew I was not myself and I preferred the not quite right me to the numb to life me better.

During the conversation about chemical solutions to depression I learned that I was not alone in my thinking. I know at the time the chemical choice for me was the only answer and I am glad that I did what I needed to do to function in my life. I have not used antidepressants in sometime and actually I do not plan on ever using them again, however if the time comes and I am faced with a need, I will.

All this brings me to my actual point, which is right now I am feeling adrift and lost. I do not recognize myself. I can feel myself pulling into my shell and avoiding interaction. This reminds me of when I was on antidepressants and I felt like I was not myself. I keep thinking it will pass but it does not. Could this be fallout from all the recent stress of job loss, and child rearing with the people around me dying and estate stuff as the cherry on top? Is it possible that I am just becoming withdrawn because life has just punched me one too many times?

There was a time when I might have punched back, but I just do not have the energy to even take a swing. I am pushing myself to interact and continue to be what I have always been, but it is hard. I feel lost and I am searching for the me I want to be. This floaty uninvolved feeling is just not suiting me I know I can do better than this.

The antidepressant conversation helped make me aware that life hits many of us hard. You might think no one else feels like you do or that you are all alone, but that is the part of depression that hurts us the most, when you lose the ability to see things as they really are. At the time nothing seems the slightest bit possible and all hope is lost. With the chemical solution you regain your ability to slog through the sadness and keep putting one foot in front of another. The fact that you are not who you normally are really does not matter at that point.

I am no longer numb to life by chemicals I am numb to life by life. Maybe the answer is not to avoid life, but get back at it. Instead of remaining lost I need to just ask for some directions. Today the conversation should be about looking for me and accepting the changes that have taken place in my life. Maybe I am not lost at all, maybe I have changed and I am just different. There is no chemical solution for being different or lost, that is just part of life and you adapt and move on.