Saying Goodbye

A special trip we took a few years ago with Aunt Nina
to the Henry Ford Museum and the Chocolate Exhibit

In just a few hours I will step into the mausoleum and watch as Aunt Nina's ashes are interned into her vault at the cemetery. I have a short reading prepared and I am planning a short prayer to share with the very small group that will be there, and then I will say good-bye. It is time to release Aunt Nina and move on. There is a memorial luncheon I am planning for her birthday at the end of the month, but for now I will make this step forward and lay her ashes to rest.

 It was about a month ago when we put my Aunt's ashes in the pretty gold box. At the time I just wanted to get her out of my hall closet and some place secure. It felt so disrespectful to have her sitting in a bag at the bottom of my hall closet and my hope was that placing her in an urn would help give me a feeling of closure. I was wrong.

 I find myself playing and replaying all of the choices I have made on my Aunt's behalf. Some I am proud of and some I am not. Some choices I feel were easy to make and some were not. As time goes on I am realizing that I have done so much more than she would have expected yet I still find myself riddled with guilt and frustration over the things that did not play out like I had hoped.

 As things have unfolded in my life over the last few weeks I have felt that somehow my mistakes with my Aunt's estate have created a bad karma. I have thought perhaps my choices (while not all bad) had caused events to happen that would be a punishment. I have struggled with how to wiggle out from under the weight of these presumed punishments and all I can come up with is to just make my way through them.

 I had a conversation the other day that I keep replaying in my mind, where I said "Life is messy!" "Things happen to people everyday messy things and good things; you just have to make your way through them". These last two years of loss are attempting to take their toll on me. People have died and people that I care about are leaving my life and all I can do is wade through the messy stuff just like everyone else has to do. I suspect that perhaps instead of bad karma, what is happening is just plain old life and I am stuck smack in the middle of the messy section.

 Today, I will release Aunt Nina's earth bound ashes and remember her for her kindness when she gave it and her rough spots for what it taught me and I will say good-bye. I plan to pray for her peace and the joy that she must have now that she has been called to be with her family. I also plan to ask her forgiveness that things did not work out just like she had hoped and ask her to know that I worked hard and tried hard to make sure that she was honored for her life. I will also pray for forgiveness for my presumed mistakes and misjudgments and hopefully I will then move a little closer to the end of my messy section and settle into knowing that life must go on even after you say good-bye.