Letting a Life Go

Aunt Nina as young woman

It finally hit me yesterday. I am going to have to let my Aunt Nina go. I can no longer insist that she eat, or be happy or even want to be alive. She has decided she is done making an effort and she is ready to move on, now the trick is letting go.

 I come from a very long line of strong, opinionated women, who seldom care if someone disagrees with how they think, Aunt Nina is no exception. Even as a little girl I knew my Great Aunt was a force to be reckoned with. If there was a pot you knew there was one of two people stirring it, either my Grandma, or my Aunt Nina. Knowing this going in, I had a hard time recognizing what is happening with my Aunt as anything other than an attention grabbing stunt until Monday when I saw her cheeks were beginning to sink in and she fought eating a few bites of soup as though she was being beaten. That's when I started to realize that perhaps my intentions of keeping her alive were more about me and less about her. I realized that perhaps I was the one with my hand on the spoon stirring the pot.

 Aunt Nina has decided she is done making an effort. She feels like she wants to be with her daughter and husband and since God has not decided to bring her to him yet, she is going to take matters into her own hands. This is another issue I am struggling with. My Aunt has decided to stand toe to toe with God in a game of Chicken. She is forcing his hand and all I can do is watch. I struggle with why she would want to go through the pain of starvation and why she has chosen to do this now. What flipped the switch?

 I spoke with the nurse from the senior living community yesterday and told her I was going to stand down. I am no longer going to insist that my Aunt eat. I hope within the next few days that I can meet with Hospice and get some advice on how to best proceed with my Aunt and make her comfortable without being an accomplice to suicide. My cousin is coming in this weekend from Denver to see our Aunt. The original reason for her visit was so that her fiancé could meet our Aunt, but now I believe that she will be faced with the reality of letting our Aunt go as well.

 Hiding in this forest of frustration and confusion, is an overwhelming sadness. I am sad she wants to leave this world and I am sad that I have to let her go. My heart is enlarged by the pain of my decision to let her be in charge of her own destiny, to stand down and let her sail her own ship whether I like her course or not. I guess that is all part of letting go…