How Do You Begin to End

As we were preparing to head out to visit my Aunt Nina yesterday we received a call from her community that they were sending her to the hospital. They found her with her mouth full of blood when they went in to get her up and they were not sure where the blood was coming from. Immediately after the call our plan changed, my cousin Laurel, her fiancé Matt and Mark and I jumped in the car and headed to the hospital to be there for my Aunt.

After hours of doctors and nurses poking her and my Aunt screaming, we asked them to stop. The blood was from her biting down on her lip and piercing it with her teeth, There was no need to find out what was wrong, or try to make her feel better; she does not want to be better. I had to finally step into the role that I have wanted and not wanted at the same time. I had to step up and say we just want to take her back to her community and let her rest comfortably within the care of her family and hospice.

My Aunt was very adamant that she did not want to be in the hospital to die. Her daughter had died at that hospital and she did not want to be there. She also kept yelling that she did not want hospice, but that is where I decided her wishes would have to be set aside. I am not requesting hospice for her sake, but ours. My cousin Laurel and I decided that we will call it comfort care and we plan on Aunt Nina being able to rest and believe that we are not all there all the time even though we will be.

Laurel and I talked yesterday about how birth is so difficult, you force your way into the world, channeling through this small entry way. As we watch our Aunt near her life's end, we realize that dying is no better. There is no longer an entry channel, but as the person's life comes to a close their body takes over and ever so slowly starts to shut down. During birth there is the joy of new life and promises of things to come. For me I wonder how to begin to prepare for the end of my aunts life with as much joy and anticipation. I know that her time is near and that she will once again be with my Uncle Ted and my cousin Dana. This will bring her joy. The hard part will be helping her through the death canal. How do you begin to end? That is today's question.