Eyes Bugged Out!

I am not sure what the technical term for this condition is, but I am so on edge, I think my eyes are about to pop out of my head. They feel like they are literally bugging out of my head. I have also lost the ability to talk in a normal tone of voice. I seem to talk quite loud now with a bit of a strained edge tone. In addition my emotional scanner is on over time looking for any sign that someone is judging me about how I am handling things with my Aunt Nina.

Look, here is the thing…I am doing everything I can do to make some head way with this situation while people that have not been in the trenches with us the last five years stand around giving advice. I have been told to be more patient and understanding. I have been told I should get her to the hospital and have her checked out and I have also been told she is fine and to not worry. There are also the people that have tried to call her and have not been able to reach her because she is refusing to answer her phone, that have told me her phone is not close enough and I should move it. There are more pieces of advice, but for now, let me try to set the record straight on these points.

I have been patient, I have been understanding, but right now I am beside myself with worry and frustration. I do not barge into my Aunts room and act like Attila the Hun, I speak to her kindly and clearly. I have stroked her hair and told her how worried I am and how important she is to us, but now when I visit she closes her eyes and pretends to sleep. This is not conducive to a full understanding between my Aunt and me nor is it easy for others to recognize the effort when they are not even in the room.

I would love to send my Aunt to the hospital and have her checked out, but she screamed bloody murder and shoved her feet into the ground to keep the EMS workers from taking her out to the hospital. Regardless of my letter that states she is emotionally and physically incapacitated, I still want to honor her wishes. I do not know how to take her power away and still have her desire to live. She is already trying to wish her death upon herself and my making her go to the hospital is only going to make her want to live less. This is a fine line I am walking and I am very afraid of falling.

Mark and I have both tried to move her phone closer to her. We have tried offering to put her phone on a chair near her bed and she did not want us to do that, we have tried moving her night stand closer to her bed and she has still not shown any interest in talking on the phone. I cannot force a grown woman to answer her phone and I have tried to encourage her to talk with people to no avail. I am her great niece, not her mother…I already have three children.

I am tossing and turning at night unable to sleep, worrying about what the right thing to do for her is. I wake up with bugged out eyes and a tightness in the back of my neck wondering if today is the day I go off the deep end. I have determined that my life cycle will always include an annual traumatic event since in the last five years we have literally dealt with my cousin Dana dying, which is when Aunt Nina had her heart attack and Mark and I began to care for her. Then I had my hysterectomy due to concerns of Cancer in my future, the following year Mark had Angioplasty because of a 99% blockage. Then the following year Aunt Nina went back in the hospital with more health concerns and ended up in a recovery center. Then My Mom died, and a year later my Dad died. Trauma is my name and bugged out eyes is my game!