Losing My Cool and My Mind

There comes a point when you just have nothing else to give. Yesterday was that day. After an afternoon of trying to mother my children and getting nothing but push back I was done. It did not help that when my cork popped and I went barreling over the edge my husband decided to take the girls side. Never mind that he was not here for a good portion of the stress and never mind that it was obvious that I was not in my right mind, it seemed to all of them that I was the problem and that's where the attention went!

So here is where I am at and I really do not care who knows…I have lost my mind! I am done. I give and I give to these people all day every day. Many, many times giving up my own desires to keep everyone happy. I have made meals that people have complained about, I have bought too much of things they do not like or not enough of what they do. I have grocery shopped with no clue what they want because no one here can write anything down and sucked it up when I have gotten push back about what I bought.

I have invested my time and energy into pulling together a party for my youngest because her birthday has for whatever reason always (and I am serious about this) come after other events that people planned on that date, including my oldest daughter's wedding and my Dad who died on her birthday (May 3rd). I decided at 16 she should have a special day so because I am not crazy enough planning for my middle daughters graduation, I decided to pull something together for Avery too. Now, because I did not want her to rattle off the guest list to me at the dinner table she got ticked off at me. I merely asked her to write it down. Apparently she was going to, but she wanted to tell me first. Here is where I was at. I have enough in my freaking head right now, just WRITE IT DOWN. I am now the bad guy!

My middle daughter was mad because I tagged along when she went for her final Prom dress fitting, you know…THE ONE I BOUGHT! Apparently I had originally said I was not going to go and so my changing my mind bugged her. She did not speak to me in the car; she would not let me help her with the dress and barely looked at earrings I was showing her for her dress. I explained to her I was just hoping she might get a better idea of what she liked by looking at some options, but of course, what would I know. "I am never going to wear them again Mom, so I really do not want to spend a lot of money on them", "I understand that, I am just trying to give you some ideas, I really do not want to be stressing out looking for the perfect earring the week of the dance!" "Besides, you might be surprised, you may need some nice earrings more than once in your life maybe you will have a dance in college." I said. "NO Mom, they do not have dances in college!" this from my daughter who has never even been to college yet!

Then at dinner when I snapped because my youngest daughter got mad at me because I did not want her rattling off her list of guests for her party right then and there, the world popped off its axis and I lost my cool and my mind. My husband not being of sound mind, decided this was a good time to pick a side and he went with the opposing team. So now I sit her angry and bitter knowing I still have to cook, clean, mow the lawn and do laundry for these very same people and I just do not want to.

I am sitting here today second guessing how I have raised my children. I am wondering if I have given them too much and not made them work enough. I have been so focused on supporting them so that they would do well in school and now I have two girls that do not understand how much work it is and think that my not emotionally and mentally keeping it together is a problem. Apparently their Dad agrees with them. Well all I can say is TOO BAD! I am over wrought and underappreciated and tired of being treated like I am annoying, you people have the best deal in town and you do not even know it and if you do, apparently you have no idea how good it really is.

If you are getting the idea that I am angry than you are reading this right, I am angry, I have gone mad and I have lost my mind and I do not care one bit. I have been pushed too far and since I cannot go back and stop myself, I am not going to worry about it. Just once it would be nice to have some one step in my shoes for a day or two, pretty sure they would be hard to fill, but if you want to try…by all means do it!

Letting the Anxiety Go

There are times in everyone's lives when it feels like there is more happening or more to do then humanly possible. There are phone calls, projects, people we must see, places we must go. As each item adds itself to the list, the tension rises and you begin to wonder if it will all end with you on a gurney at your local hospital for exhaustion or something even worse!

The anxiety that builds during those times is overwhelming and tends to send your mind scrambling. I have found that for me with the anxiety comes a lot of self doubt. My inner voice begins to tell me what I cannot handle and how not so bright I am. My inner voice also always cautions me to stop acting like I am "All that", for one of my fears is to come across like I am better than anyone else. I tend to always down play what others might see as a gift or talent as "no big deal, anyone can do it" or I don't believe a compliment because I figure it is someone trying to make me feel good, or they just plain feel sorry for this person that does not know how bad they are.

So it is not possible to win here is it? You cannot believe you are good at anything, because it will hurt someone else or potentially hurt you. Yet in the middle of all of this I am trying to keep moving my life forward. I do not want to become stuck and live forever the same. It is time to let the anxiety go. Trying to make the right impression and say or do the right thing all the time begins to take you away from whom you really are and who you are meant to be. It is time to let the anxiety go, it is time to be true to who you are and believe that what people think is out of your control.

What is funny is that I know a few friends who are quite shy. At first I thought of them as judgie (made this word up) and mean spirited, because they did not talk to me. Once I got to know them better I realized that they were wonderful people that just played their cards close to their chest. If I can allow these people the opportunity to be who they are and live happily amongst them, why can't I give myself the same break? Does it really matter in the end if everyone does not like me?

Anxiety is a strong pill to swallow and I am ready to let it go. I no longer need to listen to the tapes in my head that play back mean and hurtful things. I am doing the best I can everyday just like everyone else. As long as I keep reminding myself of that I just might make it.

25 Days

Aly at the age of 4...soooooo cute!

Aly (my middle daughter) told me last night that she has 25 more days of high school left. Two of those days Aly will not be there (in school), because she has been invited to a Drama Competition with three fellow drama students. This part (the drama competition) I find ironic since having three girls, our lives are a continuous drama competition. If there was a drama competition here at my house it could potentially get cut throat. To be fair though I would be in there with the best of them, I mean really, where do you think my girls learned this stuff? Anyway, 25 days from now my middle daughter will be done with high school and her new chapter begins.

 Things are different for my girls then when I graduated high school, and to be honest I had planned it that way. When I graduated from high school I was not encouraged to have a plan or try to find a college. I was not given help in finding something that I would like to do or even help making a plan. I have floundered around almost my whole life wishing I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up and here I am all grown up and while I am not floundering anymore, I am still waiting for that light bulb to come on so that I can say "OH, that's what I am going to do!" I did not want my girls to start out without a little bit more encouragement and support.

 It is hard to say on any given day as a parent if you have done the right thing by your kids or not and when they announce that there is 25 days left until their perceived launch into life a parent starts to panic. Are they ready? Are they prepared to avoid the pit falls and hurts of the world? Will my children be prepared to face the challenges of life? Will everyone like my children? Will people always be kind to my children?
The answer to all these questions is NO!

 None of us is ever ready to step out into the world. I still say that I could have had a much better footing when I was launched all those years ago, but now I believe that no matter how hard we try as parents, there is always the School of Hard Knocks that really gives our kids the best education. Honestly, I have learned more from my mistakes than any other form of education out there.

 This is not to say that I won't keep trying to give advice to my kids...that's just crazy talk! Every parent likes the sound of "Mom/Dad, you were right!" However, I do not kid myself into thinking that they actually listen fully. They (my kids), like me at their age, are sure that they know more and can do better than I did and I sincerely hope that they do.

 In 25 days my middle daughter will feel her wings sprouting and she will start her practice flights. The practice flights will not end for a few more years and then before I know it she will be telling me that there are only 25 more days of college. Before either of us even realizes what has happened she will be flying high all on her own. She will have a few bumps and bruises from the School of Hard Knocks, but Aly will be the better for it.
Perhaps this Mom gig thing is what I was meant to do after all.

Resenting and Forgiving

This week has been a one/two punch of life lesson moments. I have been trying to let go of the resentment and anger that I have had towards my Dad's widow. I have harbored resentment towards her (the widow) based on the fact that she was judging me for my relationship with my parents without knowing the whole story. I was also hurt and sad solely based on how my Dad handed his affairs at the end. I was carrying around all of these feelings and becoming consumed with feelings that were eating me alive.

Because I believe that everything happens the way it is suppose to, it makes it tough when things happen that make no sense. Why is this happening? What am I suppose to learn from this? These are just some of the questions that I flog myself with.

The other day as I was driving I flipped on the radio to the Oprah channel (They generally will replay her old TV shows, so I like to enlighten myself when I can). The show that was on was a rebroadcast of a 2004 or 2006 show that had the Ebersol family talking about a plane crash that killed their youngest son (14), the pilot and the flight attendant. The Dad and one of the other son's (21) who actually rescued the Dad were spared. The Mother who is actress Susan St. James was speaking about the crash and how the family decided to stay focused on the joy they had when their son Teddy was alive and not focus on their sadness and resentment that he was gone. Her quote was "Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other guy dies". When I heard that I realized that I died a little inside everyday by keeping this bitterness with me and I needed to let it go.

I also realize that I need to just forgive and release these feelings. Forgiving is not to forget what happened or to release the other persons responsibility, forgiveness is so that your heart remains open. It does not matter what "The Widow" believes or what her part was in all that happened. The widow's life path will guide her through the lessons she needs to learn, my being angry and hurt will accomplish nothing for her and in the end stain my life with anger and hostility.

These are things that I already knew, but it was nice to have the reminders. There are times that we get so caught up in the false sense of what is right and wrong that we forget that we can stay stuck in the wrong place or we can move on and let life work out the way it suppose to. Today I am free and ready to step back into my life with no need to justify myself or punish someone else. I am back on my own path and walking with a lighter load.

Making Time

Writing has been my therapy for several years now. Every morning plopped on my rear with my notebook laptop on my lap. The trouble is that I am running low on time these days with every possible activity ahead of me in the next couple of months and I think I will have to reduce the amount of therapy I offer myself. I of course am nowhere near healed and will still require several doses of therapy a week however I think I will reduce the intensity for a while.

I know in reality this writing is just for me, but I like to pretend that others read this and might worry if I am not writing like I had been. So this is my official do not worry if I do not write announcement to you and to me. I do not want to get so comfortable not writing that I give it up completely, but my TO DO list is extensive and it is stressing me out! Here is a sample…

1. Finish Graduation party invitations and mail them
   
2. Paint new doors on back of house
   
3. Prepare items for garage sale before grad party (at my girlfriend's house thankfully!)
   
4. Yard work, yard work, yard work!
   
5. Last School Play for Aly – Two nights
   
6. Finish pulling basement together when Mark is done painting
   
7. Avery's 16^th birthday (Gifts…dinner…homemade Lemon Cream pie)
   
8. Avery's 16^th birthday sleepover (Dinner…Homemade Ugly Bumpy cake lots of laughing girls up very late!)
   
9. Leave for New Orleans for 4 days (This is always subject to change, which it does regularly)
   
10. Honors night
    
11. Scholarship night
    
12. Last Choir concert for Aly
    
13. YARDWORK
    
14. STRESS
    
15. Make food for party
    
16. CLEAN and clean some more
    
17. Make more food
    
18. Have the party
    
19. Celebrate Fathers day
    
20. Leave immediately after celebration for College orientation that is the next day
    
21. Orientation
    
22. Come home and do nothing all day!!
    

This last item will literally be two months and two days from today and I hope I can make it until then. Odds are good I forgot to add a few things to my list and realistically, I am no different than any other parent with a child graduating however it is good to see it all in print. It will all come together it is just that writing about my life might have to take a bit of a backseat to the actual living of my life for a while. So for now let me just say…I will be in touch!

Sadness

 

After months and years of lawyers and bickering over my Mom's estate, my sister received a phone call from my Dad's widow (I still choke on that). She is ready to sit down face to face and work things out. When my sister let me know about this conversation on Sunday, I lost it. I actually could not talk to (my sister) about it until yesterday afternoon, and even then I started to cry. I was stumped about why it hit me this way and tossed around a few ideas why.

1. I am angry that after all this time of us trying to get this whole thing worked out the Widow is ready to be done so now we need to jump.
   
2. I am worried that somehow we are being sucked into doing things her way.
   
3. I do not like her.
   
4. She (The Widow) has said mean things about me based on the Kool-aide my Dad gave her to drink filled with stories that were not true, but made me look evil and my Dad look victimized.
   
5. I do not want to give up the fight.
   

This morning I went for a run and as I came to the end of a run, the truth hit me like a bucket of cold water. When this ends, when the fight for my Mom's estate is over, they will both really be gone. Somehow this stressed out, frustrating situation has kept our family alive just a little longer and I do not want to let go.

I have battled for what is right for so long that it feels a little like giving up, but I also know that the longer I carry around this anger and hurt the less joy I can let into my life. It is time to move on. If it means compromise then that is what we will do. Life has a way of moving on even when you are not and I am starting to feel the drag of being left behind. I need to let go, let my Parents rest in peace and live my life.

Get the Party Started

This is it, there is no more fooling around, I have to get my party planning panties on! In just 17 days my youngest turns 16 and three weeks and one day after that, my middle daughter (the graduate) has her last day of school. This puts party planning in full swing. There is much to celebrate and I am on deck to get it going.

My youngest Avery has had her birthday set aside by one thing after another over the years. Starting as early as the age of three, events in our family always ended up happening on Avery's birthday, there was my parent's big anniversary party with a brunch the next day. There were plays and shows at the high school that my girls were in on her birthday. My oldest was married on Avery's birthday and saddest of all, my Dad died on Avery's birthday. We are all determined that this year will be different and we are pulling out as many stops as we can so that Avery's 16^th birthday is fabulous.

This of course requires planning. We had a family pow-wow yesterday to determine all the right things we needed to do to make this birthday a good one. Keeping in mind that I am in party planning mode already for Aly's graduation party, I explained to Avery that it needs to be a party that does not involve too much, hands on effort from me. Translated that means that I will use my wallet more than my hands. I will make some delicious birthday dinner and my new favorite Lemon Cream pie (recipe in previous blog) for her actual birthday dinner and the next day is a Friday, so the plan is to fuss over her like crazy, take her and some of her friends to dinner and come home and have Ugly Bumpy cake (pictures and explanation in previous blog) for dessert. After that it will be Girlville with a sleepover and all that comes with that. I am glad that piece of my party puzzle is in place, now I need to stop messing around and get my guest list going for Aly's graduation party.

I have to know how many are invited so that I know how much food is required and how many invitations I need. *This is a party planner tip for any of you facing this same issue. I will be pulling this information together today. I will let you know how this goes since to be honest it is not a fun job and requires me to be hunched over my computer for a good part of the day. Alright, I know I am usually hunched over my computer anyway, but that is for much more interesting and exciting things like other people's business on Facebook and such.

Since that list is not going to make its self, I best get to it. I have to get started on getting the party started…I crack myself up!