Sadness

 

After months and years of lawyers and bickering over my Mom's estate, my sister received a phone call from my Dad's widow (I still choke on that). She is ready to sit down face to face and work things out. When my sister let me know about this conversation on Sunday, I lost it. I actually could not talk to (my sister) about it until yesterday afternoon, and even then I started to cry. I was stumped about why it hit me this way and tossed around a few ideas why.

1. I am angry that after all this time of us trying to get this whole thing worked out the Widow is ready to be done so now we need to jump.
   
2. I am worried that somehow we are being sucked into doing things her way.
   
3. I do not like her.
   
4. She (The Widow) has said mean things about me based on the Kool-aide my Dad gave her to drink filled with stories that were not true, but made me look evil and my Dad look victimized.
   
5. I do not want to give up the fight.
   

This morning I went for a run and as I came to the end of a run, the truth hit me like a bucket of cold water. When this ends, when the fight for my Mom's estate is over, they will both really be gone. Somehow this stressed out, frustrating situation has kept our family alive just a little longer and I do not want to let go.

I have battled for what is right for so long that it feels a little like giving up, but I also know that the longer I carry around this anger and hurt the less joy I can let into my life. It is time to move on. If it means compromise then that is what we will do. Life has a way of moving on even when you are not and I am starting to feel the drag of being left behind. I need to let go, let my Parents rest in peace and live my life.