Guilt

Today's the day that my Great Aunt Nina's house is going to be cleaned out. The company I hired will come in remove the remaining sellable antiques. Sell the other items that are of interest and then everything else will go in a dumpster. That's the part that has hit me the hardest…the dumpster.

When you think about it, it will probably get to you too. Think about all of the things that we decide everyday that we have to have. Things that to us our valuable and necessary, your collections and clothes, your dishes and furniture your family photos and albums are to others just junk…worthless. My heart broke as I took one last walk through my Aunt's home yesterday. I have been there so many times recently and each time I want to just scoop everything up and rescue it, but I cannot. My Aunt saved everything and it filled up her home and clogged up her heart. I must not do the same.

On Saturday I was at Aunt Nina's house to complete the sale of her car. Inside the car the company that had come in to do the estate sale had placed trash bags filled with my Aunt's photo albums and family pictures. There was also a junior high diploma from my Great Aunt Bea (My Grandma and Aunt Nina's sister) and documents from other family member's lives. All of these things shoved in trash bags and then shoved in the car. There was nowhere to go with these items. Her Grandson's did not want them, the person buying the car did not want them and I have stock piled plenty of family stuff that my Mom had when she died. I could not take it back in the house since I knew it would be tossed when the house was cleaned out, so the bags went to the curb for the trash man to collect. Now I have guilt.

I know I could not keep all of those items but my heart hurts. I did not collect all of these things my Aunt Nina did, but I still feel like somehow I have let her down. The truth is I had no choice, I have done all that I can and I need to let it all go now. In addition to the big clean out at her house today, I have made plans to meet her best friend Nancy and her companion/aide Anna at the cemetery to choose an urn for Aunt Nina's ashes. I can no longer keep her in my closet; it is time to release her. I will leave her at the cemetery today and hopefully her grandson's will intern her if they chose not to then I will have that to do myself at the end of the month. Of course my Mom's ashes are still sitting here in my living room in her box and because life seems to be mocking me I have not had the time to release her yet…more guilt.

So many things to think about and do and all I really want is to spend time with my kids and enjoy shopping for school supplies and cute school clothes with them. I want to relax and enjoy my friends and invite people over to my house. I also want to spend time with my husband and get away with him somewhere and reconnect, yet right now there is no time…again there is guilt.

Do not be alarmed, I know that I am being hard on myself and I also know I am feeling guilty about things out of my control. In the end I will tie up my guilt bag and heave it into a giant dumpster with the rest of my life's junk, but for now I am taking the time to look it all over and make my way through it so I do not repeat any of this for my family.