The Closing

Today at 11:00 AM is the closing on the sale of my Aunt Nina's house. All those years, weeks, months and days of stress and worry about Aunt Nina, her house and her stuff will now begin to slow down. The house is empty, except for the piano of course (which the buyer of the house has decided to buy) and it is time to move forward. After today most of my responsibilities will be administrative.

Next week we will intern Aunt Nina in her vault at the cemetery and the end of September on her birthday I am having a memorial luncheon for her friends. When those milestones are met, I hope she will finally be at peace. This has been a quick but painful process for me. I wish that I could have a more loving relationship with her Grandson's, but that will never be. I also wish that I did not have this empty sad feeling.

Last night I sat amongst the boxes of my Aunt's papers that we still need to shred or burn and also poked through a box of old family pictures that my cousin did not want and I cried. How did I end up the family keeper? Why am I responsible to make the tough choices about keeping and discarding family memories? I find myself feeling like somehow, somewhere I have let people (family) down. I have made choices and decisions that in hind sight I wish I had not. I have chosen what memories I want to carry forward and now I worry about burdening my children with the weight of these things.

Today is the closing on Aunt Nina's house, but it will not be the day I close my heart. Today will not be the day I stop wondering how I ended up carrying the torch for past generations. Today will not be the day that I am OK with the past and my choices. Today is just a step forward on a long path of healing and forgiveness. I might just be an administrator, but my heart is still feeling sad.