I’ll Bet Your So Excited!

Aren't you excited? I'll bet you are getting excited? These are questions people have asked as we have made our way through the kitchen remodel project. The truth is I am tense. I am not excited. I feel like I am braced and restrained. I am reigned in and holding my breath until this is all done and then I will be excited and happy.

The funny thing is I notice that I am that way about a lot of things. When my Mom died, I was stoic and restrained. Some might have seen it as uncaring, but I was determined to stay focused and calm until after her memorial and then I could let my guard down and morn in private or at least as private as I could be when I write out loud everyday about everything. Same thing when my Dad died. Sad and somewhat angry, yet I did not feel comfortable sharing that with others. I hugged my sisters, listened to their pain and tried hard to stay out of the way and let my sisters have their time to reflect and grieve. I have slowly and quietly reflected and forgiven without much fanfare.

Now we are dealing with the estate issues that are essentially a giant heap of frustration that my Dad created during his melt down before he died and I still stand cautiously calm. I refuse to be disappointed or excited about the direction this mess may take. There can be no turning back now and whatever the results it will be what it will be and my anxiety about it will do nothing to change its course. Mainly, I hope and pray that my Mom's wishes will be upheld and that the remains of her legacy will be shared as she wished them to be.

Perhaps this cautious attitude comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop when I was younger. I never knew what to expect from my Mom, and I was very use to disappointment. I like to think positively, but it is a cautious optimism that can sometimes come off as distant. So, in response to whether or not I am excited about my kitchen, I will answer no, I am expectant and restrained. I feel confident that my kitchen will be lovely, but I will not be "happy" until my house is back together and my life and my house are my own once again. That alone I am excited for, the rest will come in time.