Looking Forward

This weekend I felt the freedom of peaceful happiness. The stress and sadness of the past two years was blissfully gone. I realized as Mark and I prepared for the progressive dinner that my heart was lighter. I was laughing and joking and just plain giddy. When we arrived at the first house for appetizers, I was eager to jump out of the car and get the evening started. I was happy again and it felt good.

It has been a long time since I have felt like this. At first I did not recognize what it was. It really hit me as we arrived at the second house for salad, I was full of energy and skipping and running to the house. As we left there later to head home to prepare for our guests to come to our house for the main course, I turned to Mark and said "I am so happy, it feels good to be happy for a change". I have no idea what has flipped this switch, but it is in the on position now and I am thrilled. I am looking forward to the holidays like I use to and it feels good. There is no magic elixir to help grief and sadness to disappear. It is just the hard work of waking up and putting one foot in front of the other. Pretending everything is normal until it is normal. You are just hoping and praying that in time life will feel good again.

 This morning I am seated next to the table that holds my Mom's box of ashes. It occurs to me that it is time to start the preparation to release these ashes. I am certain that I will not release them in winter. My Mom hated cold weather and I would not want her haunting me over the choice to fling her into the snow, but maybe this year on Mother's Day I will be ready to sprinkle her in my garden. The yoke of sadness is lifting and I see that I am walking with a lighter step. It is time to let my Mom rest in peace. Of course all this is speculation until it really happens, but if this past weekend is any indication, I would say it is looking a lot like I am moving forward.