Last week was not pretty. It was so not pretty that it required me to seek a therapists help. You see, after years of being half way crazy, I am used to taking my instability to a professional when the chips are down. There is no shame in admitting when your problems are bigger then you are able to handle and trust me these problems are big!
Turns out, my cork popped because I have taken on too much. Now to my friends and to my readers this does not come as insightful news, you already knew that about me…BUT WAIT there’s more! I have guilt…guilt about everything you can think of…things like,
· I am not a good enough Mom
· I do not do enough
· My family (Mom and Dad) have hurt other people in my family and I wish I could fix it
· People I care about are hurt by things I cannot control
· I do not always make a great meal
· I never really did anything with my life
Now honestly, most of these are pretty much things that we all struggle with everyday. Some of us can handle it and some of us (pointing at myself) can’t. Every time one of my family members needs something and I cannot make it happen for them I feel less then. Every time someone in my family points out a ball that I have dropped I feel like I have let them down (this one all by its self is a huge no win item).
The truth is I have been carrying around a net to save everyone else, while I keep landing face first on the cement. Somewhere along the line I have learned that I need to please everyone and put myself last. My importance is small, everyone else’s is not. The equity in my life is not level and it was only a matter of time before it all caught up to me.
Right now I have to learn to let my kids land off the net. My saving them is killing me and it is not helping them. I need to ask for more help…this one is not going to be easy. I am a dyed in the wool “I have this covered” person. The problem is that I am covering so much that I have no way of covering it all…cue, MORE guilt! I have to believe that my parent’s transgressions are not mine to repair. The hurts are theirs to bear. This also stands for the people in my life that I know can do better in their relationships, but for whatever reason chose not to. I cannot fix them or their relationships only they can. I cook great meals or at least what I consider great and that is all I can do. I need to learn to follow my friends advice and “Let them eat cereal once in a while”. If I am busy I am busy, these are big people that will eat if they are hungry.
Last but not least, I have done with my life what I have done. Is it enough? Is there more I should do? Who knows? I guess all I can do is keep trying everyday to be the best I can be, whatever that is.
I had thought at one point I was a writer, but now I am not so sure. I love writing, but I am not so sure I can write a book or article. I have too much quirkiness in my head and this does not transfer well in the publishing world. For now I will continue to write my blog and perhaps realize that for me that is enough.
Most of all in order to keep my cool I will return to my therapist a time or two more. There are too many things in the next few weeks that require me to be calm and rational. I am certain that the best bet here is to let the professional help me with that. Also, because I love you all so much, I will continue to write it all out so that you realize how truly crazy I really am. That is what I do for the people I care about, help them think they are not the crazy one…you are welcome!
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