Lost Light

There is no way of knowing how it happened. Life was moving along without stopping and I was dragging along with it. Suddenly, about a week ago it hit me. I had lost track of my love for my children. Now don't get me wrong I love my children very much, but somewhere between the diapers and sniffing sweet baby skin and the grown up and teen years, I stopped generating the same energy of excitement about being with my children, spending time with them and being excited to see them when they walked in the door. I had lost touch with that excitement when I got caught up in every day.

 My children are still as excited at new things and fascinated with little things. They still learn new things everyday and they still smell good (not baby skin good, but good) thanks to their own efforts. I somehow lost sight of the joy they bring to me, when I started focusing on the troubles and work in life and less on the joy. Now, thanks to one simple comment I heard Poet Maya Angelou speak, my heart is turned. She said "Do your eyes light up when your children enter the room?" I remembered that light, I had that light when all my children were little, but when they started to grow and they also started to be less compliant and more verbal, I know my light dimmed.

 I lost touch of the joy and the energy that light in my eyes gave my children. They knew without my speaking any words that my love for them burned bright. As the years have worn on I think that they have had some doubt. I know just last week, Aly and I got into a verbal tousle and she shared that "You never talk to me anymore Mom, You don't care about me!" That hit me hard, Aly felt like I did not love her or care about her. The out of touch Mom in me was hurt by the comment. Had I not been tossing money everywhere since her senior year started? How about all the campus visits and the encouragement I had given her about college? What about (and this is big) all the days I bandaged her bottom after her surgery? How could she think I did not care? But that is when it hit me, it was not about what I had done for her, it was because my light was to dim for her to see. She could not see that I treasured her because my light was almost out.

 This last week I launched an all out torch campaign. I want all my children to know that they bring me joy and that no matter how old they are they still light up my life. The only way my girls will know that, is if they see the light in my eyes. That same light I had when I held them for the first time, the same light that brought excitement and joy when they walked for the first time, and even the light the shined bright when teachers or friends would notice something special about my children. The light is there, it's not lost I just needed to shine it up so that my children could see it better.