Letting Go

I had an A HA moment last night. Mark and I had gone out on a date night to dinner at a restaurant about a half hour from our home. The ride gave us time to chat about our life and how we are feeling. With the renovations to our kitchen in full swing, we spend a lot of time in our basement kitchen and living room as a family. While I enjoy having this closeness as a family, it has taken a toll on the amount of alone time Mark and I have together. Our relationship has hit an ebb section, so we thought that dinner out alone together might put us back in the flow.

 We had a nice relaxing dinner and talked about a variety of things that are impending in our lives and how we feel about all of it. We talked about us, we talked about Mark and we talked about me. It was a refreshing evening, reminding us why we love each other. On the ride home the topic of control came up. I have been feeling like I am always on the hook to plan and execute everything here at home and I have been feeling like I could use some help. Mark's question to me last night was, "Can you do that?" "What do you mean?"I asked. "Can you let go and let someone else run and plan things?" Mark replied.

 This is a familiar discussion, we have gone round and round many times about me wanting someone to jump in and run things for a change. There is always resistance to my idea with the assumption that I do not know how to let go. For some reason last night I finally figured out why I do not like to let go. I started out very defensive about it and then I realized that I had been groomed to be this way from a very young age. When I was very young I was physically and emotionally abused by my Mother and sometimes by my Grandmother. I was always alert to "getting in trouble" and learned early on that I was the only one that could protect me. My Mom and my Grandma would not, and (for many reasons of their own) could not protect me or make me feel safe. I have always been "in charge" of my life and it has carried on into my adult life.

I am always concerned that things will not be OK or safe if I do not plan them and now I am face to face with my childhood demon with nowhere to run. I need to let go and learn that I can trust Mark to handle things. I still worry that if I let my guard down I will be hurt somehow. Mark has a tendency to joke about me and some of my habits and I do not find it funny, it makes me tense up and feel like I need to protect myself. I curl in to an emotional ball worried that my weakness and worry will show. It is as if I am preparing for battle. I prepare to prove I am capable and I do not need anyone. I can handle anything, plan everything, do it all, just do not point out my weakness, that's what takes me down.

 Dinner out was a good idea last night. I had my control issues served to me with a side of A HA and it was a real awakening. Perhaps this will help get the ebb section in our relationship flowing smoothly once again. I know that I will be more aware of letting go. I cannot promise that I will be good at letting go at first, but I have looked at myself a little closer and I have seen the truth. That in its self is a big step forward and should get our marriage raft headed down the river more smoothly.