Day 14 Ride of Your Life

These are my puppy leg warmers, a good thing on a chilly morning

I have been back at this blog writing for two weeks today and I still try to write "The Perfect Mom Project" at the top of the page, each day that I write. I suppose that is to be expected after writing it for 365 days. I am trying not to worry that I am just not able to move on from the whole perfect mom thing. I know that it takes 21 days to make a habit, so I have 7 more days to get in the groove.

 I have wondered if part of the reason I start to write "The Perfect Mom Project" is that I have not thoroughly embraced the Ride of Your Life". Maybe I am still a little more invested in my children then I am in myself. You know what, I don't care! I would rather keep pouring into these people that I helped create and give them what they need then walk away and be all about me. Honestly, I am always on edge about the all me attitude anyway, especially since last Fall when my Dads now famous words were, "I deserve to be happy, don't I?" The word deserve just made me very uncomfortable. I know a lot of people that deserve happiness and they just do not seem to have it. I do not think that life is even about your happiness at all, I think it is about strength and giving. I also think it is about becoming part of the community and the world. When you start to believe that you are above all and deserve all, you are actually below all.

 Don't get me wrong, I am not giving up on pursuing my dreams and making goals for myself, I am just planning on squeezing me into the slots that the girls have left open as they grow up. As an example, the Italian lessons I am planning on taking happen to be on Wednesdays. As I looked at my calendar yesterday, I realized that the girls have a choir concert on one of the weeks of the class. Guess where I will be? Watching my beautiful girls sing of course, I would be nowhere else! This is the time for me to balance a little bit of me with a lot of my family. Right now this is a fair balance. My children and husband have helped me become the woman I am today, I owe them my time and love. I cannot guarantee them happiness, that is really not something anyone can guarantee, but I can give them the tools to get the best shot at happiness that they can.

 Today I will be helping make Aunt Nina happy. She turns 93 today and after I take Aly to a doctor's appointment, I will pick up the big sheet cake and the balloons and head out to help make Aunt Nina's birthday a special day. Aunt Nina deserves happiness. After 93 years of watching the world change and her husband and daughter die, the least I can offer her is a day that is full of happiness, a day that is just about her. Honestly, today it does not matter how unreasonable she is, or even how frustrating she can be, there will be plenty of days I will go back to that with her, today she deserves to be happy and I am happy I can make that happen for her. That to me is what happiness is all about anyway. So today, I am a perfect mom want to be and a lone rider trying to make the day special for someone else. Today is a good day!