Day 3 Ride of Your Life

Remember how I told you yesterday that I would have another item for my dream board today? Well, it did not happen. I got so caught up in my laundry and cleaning and grocery shopping and cooking of dinner that the whole idea fell right out of my head. As a matter of fact, that is what has happened to most of my dreams; they have fallen out of my head. I think that this whole process of finding me is going to require some intense concentration. I apparently will let just about anything take priority over my dreams. Perhaps "making time for me" should be an item on my dream board, because right now it is more dream then reality.

 Last night, my husband Mark said "I read your blog today, I really think you need to stop beating yourself up about the whole college thing." I guess I do pound on myself about my lack of a college education a lot. I have had people tell me it is never too late to go back to school, but those are people that either A. have been to college or B. know what they want to pursue. I am neither of those. My first order of business is to take Mark's advice and let it go. That ship has sailed, I have no interest in going to school now, so to constantly bring up college as a downfall makes it seem like I am longing to go, which I am not. The other issue is that to go to college would require me actually knowing what I want to do, which obviously I do not.

 The main thing now is making my way towards something that fulfills me as much or more then mothering. I have poured so much of myself into helping my kids learn how to fly that I have left nothing for me. I am always full of great ideas for my kids, but when it comes to me the fight school is closed. This is not going to be as easy as I had hoped. In addition to finding me, I am responsible for my 92 year old Aunt and I am in the middle of a giant mess of estate issue's since both my parents died within a year of each other. My Dad marrying a couple of months before his death has turned a simple process into a nightmare that is lining the pockets of at least three attorneys'. I find myself some days wandering around in my head looking for a quiet place where there are no worries or frustrations.

 Today I will meet two of my sisters for lunch. One of my sisters has three boxes of my Mom's belongings for me. These are in addition to 17 boxes I sorted through a couple of months ago. Maybe somewhere in the boxes will be a trigger to spur a little dreaming for myself. I am not prepared to go back to the sadness I felt as I went through those other boxes a few months ago. I have to say that looking through all of my Mom's life in boxes, did get me thinking about what legacy I will leave for my own children. I really do not want everything I am to be jammed into a few boxes years from now. I want my life to be big and bold and touchable. I want to leave this world knowing that I brought something to the table. But what? Lunch is a two hour drive away and a two hour drive back home, so as I head out to spend time with my sisters today, I hope to do some more self reflection. I will take Mark's advice though, there is no use beating a dead horse. I have to learn to work with what I've got. Who knows, maybe I have more going for me then I think? One thing is for sure, I should have plenty of time to dream today!