My brain is empty. I have nothing floating around that I feel I need to share today. Perhaps because the sun is out I am more focused on getting myself together and getting outside. I have been longing for some sunshine for weeks and here it is.
Perhaps tomorrow I will be ready to sit down and share a tale or two, but for today…I have nothing for ya.
This weekend was a whirlwind. Between the three shows my girls preformed in, the planning of the cast party and setting up and cleaning up the cast party everyone here was on the move. On Saturday, Mark and I ended up going to a Rembrandt Jesus exhibit at our local Art Museum with some friends. There was my lifelong friend and her boyfriend, another couple that we had me a couple times before and then three couples that my girlfriend was friends with that we had never met. This extra item on our agenda added another rung of busy to our weekend, but we were looking forward to it, so we went.
I was concerned about inserting myself into my friends group of friends. I did not want to embarrass her or at best say something I shouldn't, which is common for me. I was also not sure if I would fit in with this group of people so it felt a little like I felt in middle school when I was the new kid. At first everyone kind of kept to themselves. No one really mingled with Mark and I and we made no real attempt to mingle back. We did not want to be "those people" that show up and act like they have been part of the group all along. That would be awkward and the others in the group would have scattered trying to get away from an uncomfortable situation.
As I watched the other couples interacting, I started making up stories in my head about what they were like. I had it all figured out how they were and had decided that we were not going to fit in, I thought things like "Look at her, she is not even looking at me" Why do they keep to themselves?" "I know they do not like me, they should give me a chance!" By the time the subject of dinner came up, I was starving and I had decided to suck it up and go eat with everyone. First of all we were driving my friend and her boyfriend, second of all I had to eat so the meal had to happen, like it or not.
Once we were all seated I started to chat with the couple across from us. The wife is someone I judged as mean and had pretty much written her off. Well, big shock, I was wrong she was very nice and engaging, telling stories and asking us questions. Her husband was the same and in no time we became comfortable chatting with them. As the meal went on we talked with everyone more and my guard went down. My judgment glasses came off and I started to relax. By the end of the meal I felt like a complete idiot for being so immature.
I know that I am an adult, but there are times when the little girl that felt like she did not fit in comes out. I never know when she might stop by to visit. Most times I think she is safely tucked away and out of my life, but every so often she shows up unexpectedly and I find that she is judgmental, immature and awkward. I think we all probably have an alter ego that pokes into our adulthood sometimes. It is never a good time and it completely messes with your mind. You find yourself spiraling down the rabbit hole to your childhood and you cannot stop yourself.
I am relieved that I was wrong about these friends of my friend. I learned a tough lesson about judgment and I also learned that the little girl in me needs to move on. I am pretty sure I can handle things from here. If someone is mean or hurtful, I need to let that be their problem. I am a big girl and I need to know that by judging someone else I am only lowering myself and that is not the person I want to be.
Yesterday in the middle of stressing about the cast party planning, I had a conference call with my co-executor/sister and our New Orleans attorney. I have to tell you that my head is ready to pop off from the stress of keeping all this information in my head. One minute I am coordinating whether we will be receiving 200 or 400 chicken wings for the cast party and the next minute I am discussing negotiations with our attorney about my Mom's estate. It is difficult to explain other than to tell you that my teeth are clamped so tight I now have given myself jowls and I am certain I have worn away enamel on my teeth.
Here is the thing; throughout this process of negotiation with the attorneys for my Dad's widow (just saying widow increases the pressure on my jaw! I mean seriously they were married for three months and knew each other for maybe 6 months…whatever!), we have had to continually give them information. We are far more in the know (again I am saying we when I am just hanging from my sisters coat tails) about dates, amounts and incidents than they are. It is the most frustrating thing to constantly have to reply to them not knowing something or having some information with "Yes, here is the document that supports our position".
In the middle of this drama are people who keep inserting themselves into the process who have no idea what is going on and have been brain washed by my Dad. My Dad was a narssistic man and if you did not agree with him he had no time for you. I have one sibling that seemed so happy that Dad paid attention to her that she is now completely blinded of the fact that most of what he did was illegal or immoral. It is absolutely mind blowing how people can become involved in things that are morally and ethically wrong and not even bat an eye about it. It's just all in a day's work to them.
So here we are, Mom died in May 2009. My Dad never did his part to honor her trust or even inform her beneficiaries of their inheritance and instead used her money for his own gain. Then he died May of 2010. It is now 2012 and we are negotiating with someone he met and adulterer with a couple months before my Mom died about things she literally knows nothing about and this uninformed sibling is backing her up.
I am a walking ticking time bomb of unexpressed hostility! Well, that is a lie, I have expressed my hostility to my hubby, but he now just gets this distant glazed look that reminds me of someone on anti anxiety medication. I suspect that having the diversion of a party to plan this weekend helps keep me from screaming like a crazy person. I have to remain focused and together. There is the first show tonight and I am excited to see my girls perform and it will be a busy weekend over all. So after we have one more call today about estate stuff I will focus on the show and the preparations for the cast party. Hopefully, this knot in my neck will go away and I can unclench my teeth and relax my jowls for just a little while this weekend.
This weekend both of my girls are in a school play production. There are also 118 more high school students and 50 middle school students involved in this show. That makes a total of 170 kids. Last year when my girls were in the spring musical I approached the director to offer any last minute help she might need and she asked if I would contact a local restaurant about donating food for the cast party. I of course replied "SURE, no problem." So I handled the food procurement and that was that.
This year the director contacted me and asked if I would once again handle contacting this same restaurant about food and I replied "Sure, no problem" and I did. I have been working with the restaurant and I had offered to the director of the show that Mark (the hubby) and I would also pick it up. That was it, clean and simple, "Glad that's taken care of!" UNTIL, last night when Aly handed me 11 parent sign-up sheets and told me that these were the parents that had signed up to help. HELP? "Help what?" I asked. "Help with the cast party Mom, I don't know?" "Ms. Walls just handed me the sheets and asked me to give them to you!" There was about two more minutes of us snarping at each other because I was panicking and Aly was not appreciating my panic being dumped on her. At that point I decided I would just untwist my panties and throw on a pair of my big girl panties and step up to the plate…or party.
So here I am this morning emailing parents and fielding information and suggestions as I try to pull off a cast party in three days. No biggie, it is just 170 starving kids and 400 chicken wings, not a problem at all! Today not only am I going to have to mooch more food from local restaurants, I am going to have to stay calm and organize this moving target. In my defense, I was not actually volunteering, but in fairness to the director, I know when no one is stepping up to help you out even the tiniest offer of assistance is like a beacon lighting your way and you latch on. I guess I should be flattered, and perhaps after I recover from the initial shock I will be. Right now I am just getting my footing and hoping for clear (big girl panty wearing) sailing and thinking to myself "How do I get myself into these situations?"
I had a conversation with someone today and they shared some detailed frustrations about their step-child. My first reaction was to listen quietly and let the person vent. After several moments of venting I could tell that this was not your usual frustration with your kid kind of stuff, this was full blown hostility about issues that never seem to resolve themselves. This person was feeling underappreciated, unsupported and disrespected and they were past caring anymore.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not able to keep quiet when something is on my mind. If I have an opinion (and I always do) I share it. This might not be the best practice but if I do not share it I will end up like the person I was talking to and that is not OK with me. If I am upset or frustrated or mad it is important that (if possible) I resolve the issue as quickly as possible so that we can all move on. Listening to the frustrations and hearing how hard the person had tried to resolve the issues they were having with this step-child and how long they had been asking for support and how long they had not been getting it, promptly turned me from a listener to a talker…OH BOY, here we go.
Here is what I said and how I feel about parenting:
Parenting is work, it is not easy and it is hard enough figuring it all out, let alone trying to rally the troops for back up. At some point you have to give up the expectations that the support team is going to jump in with support. If they have not started supporting by now, you are on your own and you better start figuring this out before you end up in a PON (Parents Out Numbered) camp. To me it does not matter whose child it is, as long as they are in my care, my rules apply.
Carrying around this hostility is not okay, you have to put this child on notice that you are not the one that is going to be frustrated and unhappy anymore. The tables are turning and it is time for the discomfort to be on them. Yes, it is a lot of work and yes you are aggravated beyond belief and feeling all alone dealing with this little twerp, but you must care or why are you so frustrated? You are an important part of this kid's existence and honestly, maybe some in their face honesty is in order.
Every parent runs into days where they are ready to run away from home, and there are days when we look at our kids and even our spouses and really do not like them all that much, but when you realize that you do not like them at all, EVER, that sounds like this is more than just a little hump to get over. Sanity in parenting is a moving target and hope is fleeting many days, if where you live and who you live with is no longer your safe place to fall, what do you do?
My best piece of advice is that as parents we have to put on our own oxygen mask before we can help our kids. This person is in dire need of some self care and I am hoping they will take the time to pull back and take care of themselves. I talk tough, and honestly my kids have pushed me to the edge many times but I have never looked down the barrel of a difficult child. I was however a tough child and I hate to admit it now, but the thing that hit home the most for me was when someone, not family and not a friend, but someone outside the picture looked in and said "Hey, that might be okay at your house, but here, that is not okay!" "If you are going to behave that way you will have to go home." That was it no bye see ya later…nothing just a hit the road and that was it. That person essentially threw cold water in my face and said "wake up stupid, you are an ass!" and I remember it to this day.
All of this is a matter of opinion, my honest opinion. I have no idea if I am right, I just know that as parents we have to link arms and help each other through the raising of our children, because if one of us fails, a child fails too.
What's your opinion?
