Conference Call

Yesterday in the middle of stressing about the cast party planning, I had a conference call with my co-executor/sister and our New Orleans attorney. I have to tell you that my head is ready to pop off from the stress of keeping all this information in my head. One minute I am coordinating whether we will be receiving 200 or 400 chicken wings for the cast party and the next minute I am discussing negotiations with our attorney about my Mom's estate. It is difficult to explain other than to tell you that my teeth are clamped so tight I now have given myself jowls and I am certain I have worn away enamel on my teeth.

Here is the thing; throughout this process of negotiation with the attorneys for my Dad's widow (just saying widow increases the pressure on my jaw! I mean seriously they were married for three months and knew each other for maybe 6 months…whatever!), we have had to continually give them information. We are far more in the know (again I am saying we when I am just hanging from my sisters coat tails) about dates, amounts and incidents than they are. It is the most frustrating thing to constantly have to reply to them not knowing something or having some information with "Yes, here is the document that supports our position".

In the middle of this drama are people who keep inserting themselves into the process who have no idea what is going on and have been brain washed by my Dad. My Dad was a narssistic man and if you did not agree with him he had no time for you. I have one sibling that seemed so happy that Dad paid attention to her that she is now completely blinded of the fact that most of what he did was illegal or immoral. It is absolutely mind blowing how people can become involved in things that are morally and ethically wrong and not even bat an eye about it. It's just all in a day's work to them.

So here we are, Mom died in May 2009. My Dad never did his part to honor her trust or even inform her beneficiaries of their inheritance and instead used her money for his own gain. Then he died May of 2010. It is now 2012 and we are negotiating with someone he met and adulterer with a couple months before my Mom died about things she literally knows nothing about and this uninformed sibling is backing her up.

I am a walking ticking time bomb of unexpressed hostility! Well, that is a lie, I have expressed my hostility to my hubby, but he now just gets this distant glazed look that reminds me of someone on anti anxiety medication. I suspect that having the diversion of a party to plan this weekend helps keep me from screaming like a crazy person. I have to remain focused and together. There is the first show tonight and I am excited to see my girls perform and it will be a busy weekend over all. So after we have one more call today about estate stuff I will focus on the show and the preparations for the cast party. Hopefully, this knot in my neck will go away and I can unclench my teeth and relax my jowls for just a little while this weekend.

How Do I Get Myself Into These Situations?

This weekend both of my girls are in a school play production. There are also 118 more high school students and 50 middle school students involved in this show. That makes a total of 170 kids. Last year when my girls were in the spring musical I approached the director to offer any last minute help she might need and she asked if I would contact a local restaurant about donating food for the cast party. I of course replied "SURE, no problem." So I handled the food procurement and that was that.

This year the director contacted me and asked if I would once again handle contacting this same restaurant about food and I replied "Sure, no problem" and I did. I have been working with the restaurant and I had offered to the director of the show that Mark (the hubby) and I would also pick it up. That was it, clean and simple, "Glad that's taken care of!" UNTIL, last night when Aly handed me 11 parent sign-up sheets and told me that these were the parents that had signed up to help. HELP? "Help what?" I asked. "Help with the cast party Mom, I don't know?" "Ms. Walls just handed me the sheets and asked me to give them to you!" There was about two more minutes of us snarping at each other because I was panicking and Aly was not appreciating my panic being dumped on her. At that point I decided I would just untwist my panties and throw on a pair of my big girl panties and step up to the plate…or party.

So here I am this morning emailing parents and fielding information and suggestions as I try to pull off a cast party in three days. No biggie, it is just 170 starving kids and 400 chicken wings, not a problem at all! Today not only am I going to have to mooch more food from local restaurants, I am going to have to stay calm and organize this moving target. In my defense, I was not actually volunteering, but in fairness to the director, I know when no one is stepping up to help you out even the tiniest offer of assistance is like a beacon lighting your way and you latch on. I guess I should be flattered, and perhaps after I recover from the initial shock I will be. Right now I am just getting my footing and hoping for clear (big girl panty wearing) sailing and thinking to myself "How do I get myself into these situations?"

SAD

It is not what you think, I am not sad, I have SAD. Sad stands for Seasonal Affectedness Disorder. I am completely worn down and moving towards a really bad emotional place and the only thing that would really help is just a little bit of sun. Day after day of grey gloominess is more than I can take! This winter has not offered up much snow at all and the sky is perpetually dark and makes me feel like any minute Voldermort from Harry Potter will be showing up and possessing me.

 I think I can hang on a couple more days and then all bets are off. I am trying to exercise everyday and drink plenty of water. I really think that considering the number of days of overcast skies I am doing rather well. No one wants to admit that they are suffering from something as pathetic sounding as SAD, but it is what it is. If it means stepping out of this grey closet and telling the world the truth, then I will hold my head high and speak the truth.

 I have threatened that if the sun is not out soon I will be heading to a tanning booth and baking myself in some fake sun. It might be expensive, but it would be a huge pick-me-up. I will just be the only tan person in our town in the middle of winter. I would rather have people wondering why I am tan then having them wonder why I am so cranky and depressed. Somehow being a little tan seems like a better thing to be.

 I have not looked ahead to see what the weather has to offer and maybe that is best. One day of the weatherman calling for sun and it not showing up would be the end for me. So as my husband Mark likes to say "Ignorance is bliss" and many times he adds "and I am a happy guy!" That is what I look forward to right now the happy part. The warm sunny glowy (not sure that is even a word), happy gal that I know is buried under this grey cloud. So let's all just pretend I am walking on sunshine!

A Matter of Opinion

I had a conversation with someone today and they shared some detailed frustrations about their step-child. My first reaction was to listen quietly and let the person vent. After several moments of venting I could tell that this was not your usual frustration with your kid kind of stuff, this was full blown hostility about issues that never seem to resolve themselves. This person was feeling underappreciated, unsupported and disrespected and they were past caring anymore.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not able to keep quiet when something is on my mind. If I have an opinion (and I always do) I share it. This might not be the best practice but if I do not share it I will end up like the person I was talking to and that is not OK with me. If I am upset or frustrated or mad it is important that (if possible) I resolve the issue as quickly as possible so that we can all move on. Listening to the frustrations and hearing how hard the person had tried to resolve the issues they were having with this step-child and how long they had been asking for support and how long they had not been getting it, promptly turned me from a listener to a talker…OH BOY, here we go.

Here is what I said and how I feel about parenting:

Parenting is work, it is not easy and it is hard enough figuring it all out, let alone trying to rally the troops for back up. At some point you have to give up the expectations that the support team is going to jump in with support. If they have not started supporting by now, you are on your own and you better start figuring this out before you end up in a PON (Parents Out Numbered) camp. To me it does not matter whose child it is, as long as they are in my care, my rules apply.

Carrying around this hostility is not okay, you have to put this child on notice that you are not the one that is going to be frustrated and unhappy anymore. The tables are turning and it is time for the discomfort to be on them. Yes, it is a lot of work and yes you are aggravated beyond belief and feeling all alone dealing with this little twerp, but you must care or why are you so frustrated? You are an important part of this kid's existence and honestly, maybe some in their face honesty is in order.

Every parent runs into days where they are ready to run away from home, and there are days when we look at our kids and even our spouses and really do not like them all that much, but when you realize that you do not like them at all, EVER, that sounds like this is more than just a little hump to get over. Sanity in parenting is a moving target and hope is fleeting many days, if where you live and who you live with is no longer your safe place to fall, what do you do?

My best piece of advice is that as parents we have to put on our own oxygen mask before we can help our kids. This person is in dire need of some self care and I am hoping they will take the time to pull back and take care of themselves. I talk tough, and honestly my kids have pushed me to the edge many times but I have never looked down the barrel of a difficult child. I was however a tough child and I hate to admit it now, but the thing that hit home the most for me was when someone, not family and not a friend, but someone outside the picture looked in and said "Hey, that might be okay at your house, but here, that is not okay!" "If you are going to behave that way you will have to go home." That was it no bye see ya later…nothing just a hit the road and that was it. That person essentially threw cold water in my face and said "wake up stupid, you are an ass!" and I remember it to this day.

All of this is a matter of opinion, my honest opinion. I have no idea if I am right, I just know that as parents we have to link arms and help each other through the raising of our children, because if one of us fails, a child fails too.

What's your opinion?

 

 

Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

Ever since Jillian Michaels said "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable" on her workout DVD Yoga Meltdown, I have liked that saying. It can apply to just about anything in life, since many things can be very uncomfortable. This week we begin another home project that will definitely make us uncomfortable. We are beginning to paint our basement and build a new fireplace mantel.

 I use the word "we" because it was my idea, but Mark will actually be doing the work. Mark is a fabulous painter and basically encourages me not to paint since I am half hearted and sloppy. My painting temperament is more of a "why me" attitude with no yippee. Mark on the other hand likes these projects and enjoys painting. It shows in his work which is quite precise, so much so that he can cut in and paint without much taping. He also insists on preparing the area he is painting. I on the other hand feel that it is way too much fuss and it definitely shows when my project is complete. This is why I am asked to work the perimeter of most of our DIY projects. I am the idea person, Mark is the worker bee. It is win/win for both of us, I get a freshly redone basement and Mark does not have me in his way.

 If you are a regular reader you might recall that last year we had our kitchen redone. It was a long process that kept my family contained in our basement. We were lucky enough to have a kitchen in our basement, so we spent a lot of time there throughout the winter. This year we will probably drive each other mad as we make the upstairs our destination. Honestly, it is worth a little discomfort to have a freshly painted basement and a little more updated look.

 The other big thing is that our walls have real wood paneling and I have asked that Mark spackle them so that they have a smooth look when the painting is done. He seems game to accomplish this task, however I do believe he is praying even harder that he is hired somewhere this week. Being laid off from work is no walk in the park to begin with and when you add a project crazy wife in the mix you will end up with a husband that is eager to get back in the work force.

 So, when we pulled the mantle off the wall yesterday it was our official announcement to the family to "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!" Being uncomfortable was accomplished almost immediately for me when I made my way downstairs last night to let my dog Roxanne outside and promptly tripped over the mantle lying in the middle of the basement floor. Painting my basement will be wonderful when it is done, but it is going to be a long few weeks of packing our patience and being uncomfortable.

Forgiving and Forgetting

This last week the topic of forgiveness has been coming up a lot. For me it was first brought up at our church last weekend. Here is what I learned there…forgiving is what you do for you not the other person and to be forgiven, you must also be forgiving. Suddenly forgiveness mantras and conversations were coming up everywhere.

On a website that I have become addicted to PINTEREST I came across this Mantra that hit home with me:

We forgive others not because they deserve it,

But because we need peace.

My journey of forgiveness began in 2009 when my Dad shared with me that he was seeing another woman. My Mom was in a home for ailing women, suffering from Alzheimer's disease and my Dad felt that it was time to move on and date the woman that had cared for my Mom in their home. Not long after the announcement my Dad made to me, my Mom died and from there things went rapidly downhill, each poor decision by my Dad, put another crack in my heart until my heart finally broke with his announcement that he was breaking the family trust (put in place by my Mom and Dad) and leaving his portion to his new girlfriend that he married a month later. To add more weight to this anvil of pain, my Dad then died of Cancer four months later.

The day my Dad went into the hospital (where he would die two days later), I had a chance to tell him I loved him on the phone. In my heart I knew that although I did not like his actions and despite our years of an antagonistic relationship, he was family and that counted for something. My love for him was always tainted with me guarding my heart and learning to accept his narcissistic behaviors. I still to this day honor and respect the time that my parents were together and I believe that my Dad was sick in mind and body when he started making the choices that have torn apart our family even more than we already were.

All this brings me to this point; when do I let go of the hurt and sadness and finally rest? Is it possible to forgive and not forget? Is forgiveness really that important? This week, I realized that although I said I forgive my Dad, I was still remembering moment by moment of the pain and hurt. I have decided that remembering the pain is an important part of the forgiving. I have forgiven the action of hurt, but I remember the feeling. I feel that this is important. By remembering the feeling I can be more understanding towards others in pain and I can also remember that all actions have a reaction that affects someone, good and bad.

I am human and my Dad was human as well. His choices and his consequences are his to bear and by forgiving him for his choices, I release myself too. I will not forget, I will constantly be using that pain as my compass and map for my life. However I am free of the yoke of pain and hostility towards my Dad. I can forgive him and still hold him accountable.

There is peace in my heart and a lesson in my memory that will carry me for the rest of my life. I am grateful that I am open enough to let go of the hurt and focus on the healing that forgiving offers. I am also grateful that I can remember the pain and be able to share this story. There is quite possibly someone in your own life about to make a choice or decision that will require you to say "Father forgive them, they know not what they do". That ability to accept the pain and release the hurt is a lesson taught thousands of years ago and sometimes it takes a tap on the shoulder from an unexpected place to remind us how important forgiving really is.

Commitment Issues

Yesterday I blah blah blah'd about my writing and how I was so committed and today I have to tell you that along with not feeling so hot the next two days are a bit tight schedule wise so I am bailing until Saturday. Yes, I now have commitment issues, so laugh it up.

I tend to write in the mornings when things are quiet. When my morning schedule is busy my writing takes a back seat. On the days when I have it all together I might write the night before so that I am ready to go the next day. Since I am under the weather my energy level is not going to carry me far enough to pull off a night writing session today so you will have to hang on until Saturday morning. Hopefully by then I will have more to share with you than my woes of illness and time constraints.

I am fending off the blues and perhaps being busy will help. I would also enjoy a heavy dose of sunshine if possible. I see a little bit of sunlight peeking through the clouds so maybe today is my lucky day. Ask and you shall receive!

I look forward to Saturday when I can take a deep breath and hopefully write something more interesting. I am no less committed then I was a year or so ago, just a little overwhelmed right now. In the mean time, feel free to poke around and read some of my older blogs.