Commitment

You may want to step back a little, I am about to toot my own horn and it might be loud. You see, today I just plain do not feel good. Nothing stands out, I am just tired, a little bit of a sore throat, a little achy and a little bit of a stuffy nose. OK, here comes the toot…I am still writing. I made a commitment to myself in 2009 to write everyday for a year and I am still going strong. Now let's not be petty and bring up the two or three days when I did not post because of scheduling conflicts, over all I have been very committed to my blog and my writing.

It is not easy to think when your body is in shut down mode. I am having a tough time pulling the energy together to even make sentences. My day with a full agenda is suddenly looking like a day with a cozy blanket and pillow and I am disappointed. I was moving about the last few weeks so proud and happy that I had remained healthy throughout the holidays and now BAM! I am hoping that a little down time today will help get me back on track.

Anyway, back to the commitment thing…originally I was writing so that I could heal from the loss of my Mom, but now it is more about staying connected to who I am and what I want to be. My commitment to my writing has helped me realize that when my heart is in it I can stay totally committed to just about anything, even when the chips are down and I feel rotten. As much as I would love to delve further into this, my eyes are droopy and my brain is not able to process my thoughts so…THAT'S ALL FOLKS!

Home Alone Too (Or Why Women Lie)

My recent alone time has been a real shock to my system. I have realized a few things about myself and all it took was a little solitary confinement. It is amazing how you long for things to happen and when they finally present themselves in your life, you are dumbfounded at how it either was nothing like you had hoped or expected and (or) you do not want whatever it is after all.

So here is my revelation written out loud. I do not like being alone and focusing on myself. I blabber on and on about how I would like to focus on myself, but the truth is I really do not know how. In the words of Lady Gaga, I think I was "Born This Way". Women are taught, or maybe they are born to be caregivers. We are by nature nurturing and loving. The problem is the buck does not stop here with me, it travels right past me and heads to whatever target is in need. Left for too long alone, a woman will find a target for her gifts of love and nurturing. If the love and nurture dry spell lasts too long, we end up making some really bad choices for target practice, just so that we can relieve our stress brought on by a buildup of our own emotional need.

 Here is a typical conversation between women.
Woman A     "Hi (insert name here), How are you?"
Woman B    "I'm great, how are you?"
Woman A     "I'm good"

 Now at this point the pressure is building for each of these women as they search their brain for the latest and greatest info about their families. They do not think to compile a list of their latest and greatest moments, because as woman we think that we have nothing to offer of worth about ourselves. We are so focused on our families that we forget that what is happening to us has value too.

Some things to note;

 Woman A is not "good", she is depressed and feeling overwhelmed by her family's schedule. She is afraid to speak up and ask for help or even ask if any of her friends are feeling that way, because she does not want to expose herself as the weakest link.

 Woman B is nowhere near great. She has trained herself to fake it. Her thought is "No one cares about what I feel". She is also thinking if she just answers with a quick and friendly greeting she can get away before she accidentally starts spilling her guts and scares the other woman off.

 This fear of "spilling" is a fear of mine, because I tend to "spill" very easily. I am more of a pressure cooker and I blow when things build up inside me. I am also not that great at faking it since I wear my heart on my sleeve, so I will generally make a "new" friend in the ladies room or grocery store or any random place where I can chat with someone that does not know me. I will commiserate over anything with anybody that I do not know. My family thinks that it is very funny that most times I trot out of the ladies room waving good-bye to a new found friend. My family has no idea that I have just released some pressure from my internal lie factory. A little commiserating with a stranger (that's the important part, since they can never really be your friend…they now know too much) helps take the head off your emotional pimple before you erupt.

 Being alone for less than 24 hours I realized that my caring ways are great for my family, but they are killing me. I have to do something for me. I need to find a part-time job, take a class or write a book, something to pour out some of me and lavish it on myself or something other than just my family. I know I am not alone, but I have not been in a ladies room recently where I have made eye contact long enough to make a "friend" and find out what she feels. Regardless I know now that I have more to offer than what I give my family and I am only hurting me by pretending that this is enough.

Being alone was not at all what I had expected, yet I believe it was the window that God has propped open and he is waiting for me to climb through. I love my life, I love my family, but I need to love me too. How I am going to love myself and when I am going to love myself is the question right now. Perhaps if I run into you at the grocery store or random ladies room we can chat and you can offer me your suggestions.

Home Alone

Last night I was home alone…well except for the two cats and dog, sorry guys. Mark and Aly headed up to a university three hours away for a scholarship essay contest that starts this morning. Avery spent the night with her twin best girlfriends (How nice is that, not just one BFF but two in one family!) I went to the movies with two of my girlfriends to see Joyful Noise with Dolly Parton (How can you not like her?) and Queen Latifa another great gal. The movie was corny, funny, touching and toe tapping, but I digress.

 Anyway back to being home alone.

 It was BORING! No one to annoy me, no one to chat with, no one to boss around or hug and no one to tell me that the footsteps I heard upstairs were just the house settling. I had myself totally convinced that the spirits of my dearly departed family members were roaming around my house having a cocktail party. This made it tough to climb the stairs and head to bed, but eventually I convinced myself I was a little nuts and made my way to my there. I mean really what more can these family spirits do to me anyway? I am here dealing with all of their estate and money issues and their ungrateful heirs while they prance around heaven without a care…must be nice!

 This morning I realize that as much as I grouse about wanting time to myself or wishing that my family would get a clue and help out more and possibly just do the bloody thing I asked without compliant, I miss them all very much. I have not heard the tossing and turning of my sleeping family or the little moans as they roll over. I have not seen the eye rubbing teenagers that schlep down the hall and fall onto the couch on the weekend mornings as if they just ran a marathon. My wonderful husband has not roamed down the hall and said "Can I get you another cup of coffee?" or "What time did you get up?" I have had to get my own second cup of coffee and I have had to talk to my dog who keeps tipping her head sideways with a look that says, "You know I don't talk right? No, you do not seem to care…Oh whatever, Yes, I am cute…yes I know you love me…sure I will "help" you make the bed."

Being home alone sounds good on paper, but it comes with the normal caveat for wishes and that is be careful what you wish for because you just might get it! I am going to ramble about my computer a little more this morning and then I will be handling some estate stuff…because it has to be done (Blahck!) and then a little fun for me, my facial appointment. On the way home I will pick up Avery from her sleepover and probably over mother her a little. Then I will plant myself somewhere near the door to my house and wait for Mark and Aly like our dog Roxanne waits for us when we are gone, with eager anticipation! Oh, wait Roxanne just told me that's all an act. I really do think she can talk with her eyes, it is amazing!

"Kindly remove that camera from my face!
When did you say every one will be home again?"

Winter of the Heart

Winter is normally snowy, blustery, icy and sloppy. Until this morning we have been spoiled with exceptionally mild weather. It has been somewhat warm (40 degrees Celsius range) and snow and ice free. Waking up to a thin layer of snow and ice on the roads and a 7 degree temperature has me diving for anything thick and warm that I can put on or layer up with. All I keep thinking is brrrrrrrrr!

Honestly, I think a day of hot cocoa and movies on TV with a warm blanket and my dog curled up next to me sounds fabulous. My heart is just not warm and toasty either. I am not depressed, just in need of a little mental vacation. I am feeling a bit underappreciated here at home and somehow I have myself convinced that if I give myself a day off it will all be better.

I think a few hours of me time is in order. I have a gift certificate from Christmas for a facial, so I may call to see if they can squeeze me in today. Why not? What a great way to start the "me" day! I will go call right now…

It is not looking to good, the woman that does the facials is booked up, but there may be a chance she can squeeze me in. I am excitedly waiting for them to call me back to let me know. Meanwhile I will get my sorry butt up and get this cold day going. There are things I can take care of here at home, I just do not want too. Everybody here is busy today and I just want to take advantage of not being needed. This does not happen that often I would be crazy not to make the best of it.

I will let you know tomorrow whether or not I thawed my heart and made the best of this winter day. I hope where ever you are you are safe and warm and happy! Today, why don't you do something nice for yourself too? You deserve it, you work hard and life is short and winter is long. All very good reasons to give some love to a very important person…YOU!

Where Does the Time Go?

In normal morning fashion yesterday, I did my morning workout, had breakfast, made myself some coffee, sat down and checked my email and of course poked around on Facebook. All this knowing full well I had plans to meet some friends for a coffee tasting (I KNOW cool right?) which I will talk about a little later. Anyway, the problem is that the world has lost its simplicity. Suddenly instead of just relaxing and enjoying your breakfast or coffee or -insert morning activity here- , you are now checking for texts and voicemails, emails and status updates.

 There is no mystery at all. You are knee deep in everyone's business 24 hours a day. I want to be clear, I am not complaining I am merely pointing out that for me the ability to be constantly up to date is very time consuming. Here I am sipping my coffee, laughing at a status post on Facebook one minute and the next minute, I am running around like my hair is on fire because I lost track of time or more likely dumped my time down the technology toilet.

 I am also going to use this as my reason for not posting a blog yesterday. My "Holy smokes what happened to the time?" moment created a domino effect that continued through my entire day. I found myself running out the door at 4:30PM to go grocery shopping and at 5:45PM I was running in flinging bags and food and bossing everyone around so that I could get a delicious meal on the table.

 I know what you are thinking, "Ragen are you sure its technology that is the problem?" "Are you sure it isn't because you don't have it together?" I will give you that, there are days I do not have it together… (actually there are a lot of my days like that), but if I was not busy being Miss Busybody on Facebook and checking my email twice an hour for all the estate updates or whatever other excuse I tell myself, I think I would have a lot more time on my hands. In the middle of this rant, I realize that I always manage to get everything done, but it would be nice not to have this tight knot in my neck from the stress of it all.

 So, about the coffee tasting… I met a couple of my friends at our local Library yesterday and the Manager of our local Caribou Coffee shop shared two new flavors of coffee with us. We sniffed them and swirled them and then tasted them on the tips of our tongue. We compared our opinions on the flavors we smelled and tasted as well. It reminded me of the wine tastings that Mark and I have done in the past. The most shocking part of the event for me was that this dyed in the wool cream in her coffee girl liked drinking the coffee black. Apparently my coffee drinking has matured and I am over the cream.
 I will now hold my nose in the air because I am suddenly a coffee purest and a complete coffee snob! "Why just look at the way they sully the subtle undertones of that coffee with their cream, amateurs!"

 This has been my overly complete disclaimer for not writing yesterday including a little insight into the way my mind works. It is not pretty folks, but it gets me through the day. Through the day on a slight delay with my hair on fire and yelling "Where did the *#%@ time go?"

Good Morning!

Please check back later today for my post...my morning took on a life of its own!

Therapy

My year so far has entailed some challenging events. My Aunt Nina who made me laugh and told me stories about my family (her version, not necessarily the correct version) and also made me want to pull out my hair passed away. I became her executor in addition to the executrix position I already held for my Mom's estate. Aly had a second surgery to repair her tailbone since the first one did not take. In an act of self love my daughter Ashleigh left her husband and after no real attempt on his part to repair their marriage they divorced. Next there was my surgery and then the news we had been waiting for…Mark was laid off. This all came on the heels of losing both my parents one right after the other like a couple of dominos.

I may have missed a few things like all the phone calls about estate this or that and knock down drag outs with my daughter Ashleigh as I tried to wrap my head around what was happening in her life. There were the hours of crying over my Mom, Dad and Aunt dying. The worry about Aly healing, there was the endless stress about Mark finding a new job. There was the random daily child rearing dilemmas and the marriage dilemmas caused by my spiral away from reality into a humor sucking belief that I was never going to get back to the life I loved and be happy.

With all of this hanging out there I have decided to return to Therapy. That's right I am heading back to the couch and letting someone else sort out this mess in my head. I can no longer allow myself to feel this way. Therapy is not new for me I have been in one form of mind sharing or another since I was fourteen years old. This does not include the short time when I was younger and my Mom "got me some help" by taking me to a therapist and then would interrogate me all the way home and tell me why what I said was not right. As you read this you are probably thinking "What a whack job, I cannot believe I read her blog!" but let me assure you that to this day I believe that the therapy saved me from killing myself, killing my Mom, doing drugs and giving up and not caring about anyone or anything.

I actually highly recommend inviting someone into your private thoughts. It can be horrible throwing your inner most thoughts and pain out there for someone else to poke at and talk about, but it is worth every uncomfortable conversation when you finally feel like you can let yourself off the hook a little. It also helps me realize that my life with all its drama is really what life is about. I can throw all the icky uncomfortable stuff in a therapy blender and make it into a delicious acceptable life smoothie. It sort of like throwing spinach in your kid's fruit smoothie so that they do not know you are trying to make them healthy. Once it is all blended up you never know it is there.

So today I am off to blend a few deaths and estates, a little divorce (not mine, but since I really cared about the jerk that was mean to my daughter…I now have issues!) some surgeries, an unemployed spouse and a few other things tossed in for spice. I am looking forward to creating a delicious cocktail smoothie with a side of sanity. Therapy by the way is not clean or easy or pretty (there is always an ugly cry involved!) however, it is worth every minute and every dollar you spend to be able to suck down your life smoothie without gagging!