In the Dark of Daylight

This morning as I gather my thoughts, a grey thundering sky is pouring rain outside my window. I need this day, I gave my girls the car to drive to school and I sit here enjoying the sound of the rain pouring and the thunder booming. I need this time, to stretch out my feet and then tuck them under a blanket. I need this quiet, to gather my thoughts and figure out what is next and what to do with now.

Somewhere in the dark of daylight today I hope to regroup just a little. I have some busy days ahead and I want to be more calm and focused. Last night my wonderful husband bought me some bubble bath and encouraged me to climb into the tub with a glass of wine and just relax. It has been a long time since I have enjoyed a long hot bath and the time did me some good. I still cannot sleep as soundly as I would like, but I know that soon I will, because anxiety and stress only last so long. This is the ebb in my life flow and I have decided to breathe through it. Today as the clouds gather and the rain pours I am opening up my soul to possibility. I am throwing all the cards on my life's table and looking them over. Maybe later I will take another bubble bath just to reconnect to the calm and relaxation.

As the rain comes down the sky seems to be lightening up and that is what I am hoping for me too. As the weight of the decisions about my Aunt bear down on me, I hope to see the light of what needs to be done and move ahead. I am ready to move out of the dark of daylight and into the bright sunny sky of knowledge and calm. For now, I am satisfied to just sit and hear the rain and breathe through my stress with my warm afghan that my Mom made for me across my lap.

Eyes Bugged Out!

I am not sure what the technical term for this condition is, but I am so on edge, I think my eyes are about to pop out of my head. They feel like they are literally bugging out of my head. I have also lost the ability to talk in a normal tone of voice. I seem to talk quite loud now with a bit of a strained edge tone. In addition my emotional scanner is on over time looking for any sign that someone is judging me about how I am handling things with my Aunt Nina.

Look, here is the thing…I am doing everything I can do to make some head way with this situation while people that have not been in the trenches with us the last five years stand around giving advice. I have been told to be more patient and understanding. I have been told I should get her to the hospital and have her checked out and I have also been told she is fine and to not worry. There are also the people that have tried to call her and have not been able to reach her because she is refusing to answer her phone, that have told me her phone is not close enough and I should move it. There are more pieces of advice, but for now, let me try to set the record straight on these points.

I have been patient, I have been understanding, but right now I am beside myself with worry and frustration. I do not barge into my Aunts room and act like Attila the Hun, I speak to her kindly and clearly. I have stroked her hair and told her how worried I am and how important she is to us, but now when I visit she closes her eyes and pretends to sleep. This is not conducive to a full understanding between my Aunt and me nor is it easy for others to recognize the effort when they are not even in the room.

I would love to send my Aunt to the hospital and have her checked out, but she screamed bloody murder and shoved her feet into the ground to keep the EMS workers from taking her out to the hospital. Regardless of my letter that states she is emotionally and physically incapacitated, I still want to honor her wishes. I do not know how to take her power away and still have her desire to live. She is already trying to wish her death upon herself and my making her go to the hospital is only going to make her want to live less. This is a fine line I am walking and I am very afraid of falling.

Mark and I have both tried to move her phone closer to her. We have tried offering to put her phone on a chair near her bed and she did not want us to do that, we have tried moving her night stand closer to her bed and she has still not shown any interest in talking on the phone. I cannot force a grown woman to answer her phone and I have tried to encourage her to talk with people to no avail. I am her great niece, not her mother…I already have three children.

I am tossing and turning at night unable to sleep, worrying about what the right thing to do for her is. I wake up with bugged out eyes and a tightness in the back of my neck wondering if today is the day I go off the deep end. I have determined that my life cycle will always include an annual traumatic event since in the last five years we have literally dealt with my cousin Dana dying, which is when Aunt Nina had her heart attack and Mark and I began to care for her. Then I had my hysterectomy due to concerns of Cancer in my future, the following year Mark had Angioplasty because of a 99% blockage. Then the following year Aunt Nina went back in the hospital with more health concerns and ended up in a recovery center. Then My Mom died, and a year later my Dad died. Trauma is my name and bugged out eyes is my game!

Wow, What a Weekend!

Saturday was a very busy day! With a morning full of preparations for our dinner with family and Ashleigh and Scott arriving in the afternoon, church at 3:00 PM and then the actual dinner for 7 adults and 6 children afterward…phew, I was spent!

Yesterday was a little lighter.
I made Easter breakfast for the family, waved good bye to Ashleigh and Scott, and prepared to head out to see Aunt Nina and then dinner with my dear friend Teresa and her family. Aunt Nina, decided once we were there to pretend she was sleeping. After about 20 minutes of watching her closed eyes flutter, Mark and I hit the road. I am beyond frustrated with this situation and really do not know where to go from here with her. On Friday she was visited by a social worker, so I will call her today to see if she has any suggestions on where to go from here.

All in all a good weekend filled with time with family and friends. My girls have today off of school, so I hope to spend some time with them. Maybe a movie, or a little shopping, but something fun that we can do together. I need a short hiatus from the worry of my Aunt. Just a little something to keep me focused on the positive. Honestly, Saturday was no different than any other day here lately, we are constantly on the go, and May does not look like it will be any different, so I guess I will just enjoy each day as it comes. Maybe instead of saying Saturday was a busy day, I should just say, Saturday was another typical day here at our house.

Remain Calm

It is Easter weekend and today is Good Friday. Tomorrow is our Church Easter service and afterword, my sister, Kelie and her family, my good friend Theresa and her son plus Scott and Ashleigh will be coming over for dinner. I am excited but frantic. I have many things to do and not much time to accomplish them all.

I have an Easter egg hunt prepared for my sister's little boys, and a yummy meal that I am working on. I want everyone to come relax and enjoy each other's company, but there is this nagging thing in the back of my brain, I want everything to be perfect. I keep adding more and more to my list of things to accomplish that will make the day even better and it is possible now that I will not be able to complete every detail. There was one who walked among us that was perfect and has the title of greatest man in history. I know I cannot compete with that, yet I always want to pile on myself about how I am not good enough or not doing enough. I am not perfect.

My saving grace was on Tuesday as I described to my sister my frustration with wanting to get everything done for my dinner and having to battle with Aunt Nina and run back and forth to be with her. That is when Kelie said "Ragen we are coming to see you and your family, we are not worried about what you have done or not done." While her words were the truth, I continue to repeat them to myself as I cross things off my list and add more things to it. So today, I will remain calm and slowly make my way through my list and try very hard to not add any more to it. This weekend is about celebrating the rising of Jesus from the tomb, not how much I accomplished before my company came…I will remain calm…I will remain calm

Greatest man in history named Jesus, had no servants, yet they called him Master. Had no degree, yet they called him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called him Healer. He had no army, yet kings feared Him. He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world. He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him... He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today. (Borrowed from Facebook)

Petty Pants

I know what you are thinking, "get over the panties will ya!" I assure you this is my last panty reference for this week. The thing is that each one of the references seemed to fit the way I was feeling. When I was a little girl you knew it was a special day when you were wearing your petty pants. They were cute little panties that had lace and ruffles and you wore them under your very special dress. They were somewhat like bloomers, but they were a little shorter in the leg. I always felt so pretty when I was wearing my petty pants, I carried myself as if I was special and important.

Today I have decided that I am going to carry myself that way, special and important. I refuse to feel stressed or beaten down by the drama of the week. I have done all that I can do right now to make it right and I am choosing to let the worry go for now. I have help from many directions. The biggest help of all was some kind words from one of The Newsletter Moms at our lunch get together yesterday. Without even realizing it my friend spoke the words that I needed to hear.

Earlier in the day I had bowed my head and asked for God to help me work through the burden of my Aunts situation and the way she was acting. I had run out of energy and I knew I had been trying to carry this myself and the weight was too much for just me. Not long after I released my weight, the phone rang. Aunt Nina's doctor called and agreed to write the letter I need to be able to handle her care. At that point I decided I would go to lunch with my friends. I had a long list of tasks I needed to take care of, but I felt that I needed some time with my friends to recharge myself.

My friend and I began to chat as everyone at the table began catching up with each other and when she began to speak the tears started to roll down my cheeks. Without even knowing my worries and frustration she had begun to talk about feelings she had and how she had handled them in her own life. As she spoke I realized that my prayer, my simple quiet prayer was being answered. I knew through her words God was reaching out to me grabbing my hand and leading me.

Today, I wear my petty pants. I am special, God loves me. I have been given this opportunity to join my Aunt in her final steps of life and with God's help I would like her to walk in peace. I am important; I am doing God's work. I must help my Aunt remember that God loves her too and that he will call her home when the time is right. Those very special petty pants fit right in today.

Panty Raid

I give up! I put on my big girl panties, I have untwisted them and still my work is not done. I lulled myself into a feeling of calm and contentment and began cleaning my house yesterday morning when I received the call from my Aunt's assisted living community. They just wanted to let me know that she once again was refusing to get out of bed and that they had called EMS. They had spoken with her doctor and he had decided that she should receive some testing, because something must be wrong since everything he has done has not worked. My response was "OK", but in my head I was thinking "OH CRAP".

I hung up the phone jumped in the shower and was preparing to race over to the hospital when Mark called to tell me that Anna (Our aide/companion for my Aunt) had called him since I must have been in the shower and told him that my Aunt was refusing to go and the EMS would not take her without her consent. AGH! At this point, I switched gears and prepared to go back to see my Aunt and try to get her to go to the hospital. Surprise, surprise she would not go for me either. In the midst of this I was calling our attorney and calling the doctor and trying to keep my head from popping off.

Here is the thing, I have to have her doctor write a letter expressing that she is incapacitated physically and mentally and unable to make appropriate decisions for herself. With this letter I can then act on her behalf and make sure she gets the care she needs whether she likes it or not. I missed his call back to me (because I was negotiating with my Aunt at the time) but essentially he message was "I can do that (the letter), but we should discuss if it is really necessary". When I heard this my jaw dropped and I thought really bad words! Can this guy be serious? Our attorney told me last night that if I have any problems with the doctor he will talk to him, so at least I have one person who seems to get the seriousness of what we are dealing with.

I have gone from a deep breathing centered place to a stomping around crazed lunatic place. On top of that we are in the throes of issues with my Mom's estate and my sister and I are conferencing by phone together and with the estate attorney. Attorneys all across America will eat well this week! I am seriously feeling like my big girl panties have turned into a head vice. My skull feels like it is going to implode from the pressure.

OK, deep breath in…hold it, hold it…release. Once more…OK, good. Now, today I will call to check on my Aunt, I will talk to her nurse, hopefully her doctor and with any luck I will get this situation under control. I am not visiting Auntie today. I spoke with Anna last night and we agree we need to let the community where she lives and Anna, deal with her for a couple of days. She is not going to change whether I sit there watching her fake sleep or not. My only hope is that I get a little help from the doctor today, I really have nothing left to do with these panties except whip them off and go commando!

Untwisting My Big Girl Panties

Excuse me one moment while I untwist my panties…

I left home yesterday with my big girl panties securely in place and came back home with them twisted into a knot by frustration. I spent 5 and a half hours yesterday watching as one individual after another, including Anna her aide/companion, her friend Nancy, her Grandson Robert (home on leave from the marines) and a variety of staff at the senior living community tried to convince my Aunt to get up out of bed.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her yet she would scream in pain and pretend to be in a sound deep sleep. She wants to die and apparently she thinks if she lays there in her urine soaked bed and screams in pain and pretends to sleep, we will all leave her alone. I sat there frustrated because I wanted to haul her fanny to the hospital, but since there is nothing wrong with her except stubbornness, there really is nothing a hospital can do.

Within the last hour of what I hesitate to call my visit, two of the upper level employees had reached their limit and scooped her out of bed as she screamed bloody murder. They put her in her wheel chair and whisked her off to have a bath, stripped her bed and replaced the sheets. She put up a pretty good fight until I told her they were doing this for her own good. What I find ironic is that she fought so hard when moments before she was in such pain.

So here is where I stand today:

• I have asked Anna to come back to her six day a week schedule to keep an eye on my Aunt. There is not enough time or staff where she lives to deal with her shenanigans.
  
• I am taking a couple of days to regroup and get in touch with her attorney to find out where to go from here.
  
• I am working hard to get past my anger…it is not easy.
  
• I understand that it is hard to be 93, but why she chooses to do nothing, and I mean NOTHING, but sit and complain all day everyday is beyond me.
  
• I realize you cannot teach this old dog any new tricks, she wants to be miserable.
  
• If she pulls this stunt again, she is going to the hospital.
  
• My Aunts new normal is that I know she does not like me and now I am going to give her something to really not like because I refuse to join the pity party she is throwing for herself.
  
• I am working hard to find compassion and understanding for her feelings while not becoming a codependent. This requires walking a fine line.
  

Finally I hope to dislodge this twist in my panties…