Finding My Way Back

This morning I took the time to be quiet. I didn't rush to my exercise class or start the list of tasks I wanted to accomplish. I sat quietly with a single candle lighting my space and watched the darkness outside turn to morning light.  Every so often I would see the light catch the softly falling snow. My mind raced with all the things I want to achieve today and all the things I "should be" doing, but I forced myself to just be.

Over the last few months I have slowly become a bit unhinged. It seemed as though I was watching my life happen. Perhaps I could equate it to a puppet. I was going through the motions and something inside me did all the emotional heavy lifting and thinking while I plodded along making my way through each day. I was my own prisoner. I did what I needed to do. I faked happiness at the appropriate times, trying hard not to let on (or give in to the fact) that I was a prisoner of my own making.

Kind friends that I shared these feelings with encouraged me and loved me, but I knew that the work was mine to do. Knowing that people cared meant so much but no one can heal your mind. That is your own work and its hard work. What is most difficult is knowing there is something wrong and not being able to just "snap out of it".

 I finally took the time to speak to a professional. I laid out my head and heart and gently worked to sort through the pieces of who I am.  I made the choice to speak with a professional because my burden was heavy enough for me and I didn't want my family or friends to feel responsible to carry it too. That was the beginning of my repair work. The reason for my unhinging is not clear but the loose hinge dangled there through the holidays and into the new year and I worried I might not get back to being me. There is a part of me that wants an answer to "why" this happened. I also long for assurance that it wont happen again, but no one can make that promise. I was fortunate that I was able to recognize what was going on inside of me.  

I am still tender and not quite healed yet. This wound was deeper than I thought and I am allowing myself the time to get back to the me I want to be. I am not sure how I will be on the other side of this, but I hope that by sharing with you my own struggle you will feel comfortable reaching out if you ever need to. I also hope that if you are standing by as a loved one or friend struggles you will gently encourage them to lean on someone that can help them find their way back. Trying to "help" those of us who are struggling is a tough and many times unappreciated task. If your not careful you can become the bad guy or even fall prey to an unhinging. 

The good news is that every morning is a new start. This morning I saw miracles in nature. The falling snow and the sun rising and bringing light into a new day. If i can remind myself each morning of the good things perhaps over time the hinge will reattach and the bruising of the last few months will heal. I am finding my way back.