Sometimes the smallest Things Hurt the Most

It was a simple question, but it is an old wound. This morning I asked my husband if he had sent a birthday card to our niece, his Goddaughter. This card is eight days overdue, but as is our custom here, my husband takes care of his family and I take care of mine when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and family events. It is a system put in place after years of me basically making him look good while he did nothing. Over time I started to resent all the time and energy I put into something that should be my husband’s responsibility.  Let’s face it, his parents did not raise me, I did not grow up with his siblings and his Godchildren’s parents asked him to be a Godfather, not me. In the end he gets pats on the back for doing nothing but carrying the title of Son, brother and Godfather and I did not like that arrangement.

Many years ago when I had asked that we put this plan in place, I was shocked and hurt when I learned that my husband sent out a Mother’s Day card to his Mom, only signing his name and not mine or our daughters names. I was hurt and also alarmed that my husband’s Mom would think I was a total jerk and not interested in celebrating her special day. There was no way to stop the whole mess since the card had already been put in the mailbox.  This was wound #1. I was embarrassed, hurt and hopping mad! Because of this fiasco 16 years ago, I now ask if my husband signed my name almost every single time he sends something out. This has caused wound #2 since now my husband is on the defensive about my constant question “Did you sign my name?” whenever he sends a card or package.

Now these two wounded people, are in a small dispute because this morning I asked, “Did you sign my name?” when I asked about our nieces birthday card. When my husband pointed out how annoyed he was (there may have been a sharp terse tone) that I continue you to ask this tired old question. My panties immediately became twisted and I pointed out (in an equally terse tone with maybe some anger) that if I am not asked to sign the card, I just want to know for sure. I also added (because I tend to not let things go) that some things (hurts) just never go away.

I know that if I just release my need to know how my husband takes care of his responsibilities, I will also release myself from the same noose. 16 years is a long time to worry about whether or not I get credit for a card or a gift. If I really want him to handle it then I really cannot stand over him policing how he handles it. If I am going to do that than why did I hand it to him in the first place? After 16 years I am ready to heal this wound and let it go. It was a simple question, but in the end is it worth wounding over?