Writing

As you may have noticed, I have not been as dedicated to my writing as I once was. In the past I was pouring my thoughts and feelings out every day. I would direct my pen (or keyboard) in any direction without a second thought, writing is my therapy and I enjoyed having therapy every single day.

Suddenly I am faced with a whole new set of life changing events and writing seems more difficult. I have an adult daughter living back at home and looking for work. I have a middle daughter off at college who is thriving, plus a youngest that is Co-President of the junior class, works on student council, has an advanced placement English class, pre calculus, and four other classes, a part-time job and she is also in voice lessons plus she is planning on trying out for the high schools fall theatre production. Honestly, I have too much to write about.

The trouble is that it is hard for me to write about the ups and downs of having my adult daughter here at home. I find myself unrealistically annoyed by things that I must learn to live with. If I write about the annoyance today, it will be water under the bridge tomorrow and then I have launched out into the world my aggravation and there is no way to get it back. I am trying to adjust to having someone who is set in their ways coming back into the mix. The biggest challenge I see is the fact that for her, she is coming home and fitting back into her old life, when she has established herself out in the real world with her own routines and her own schedules. The tricky part is my routines and schedules are different. Trust me some days are just not easy. If I say anything I may hurt her feelings and if I don’t, I walk around with a giant chip on my shoulder until I get over it.

Most days I chose the giant chip on shoulder attitude. It makes for some tense moments, but I figure it is better than starting a disagreement over a minor issue that feels giant sized at the time. If I can just hold on until the frustration has subsided I can usually talk about what is bothering me in a fairly decent tone. Mind you this is an all day project that requires me to deep breath and remind myself that we are helping our daughter get back on her feet, that this IS temporary and finally one day when my house is empty I will miss them all terribly.

My college co-ed daughter has found her wings and writing about her seems almost like bragging. She is happy, challenged and busy learning how to live life on her own for the first time. This of course means that next spring I will have another daughter home that has her own schedule and routines. Let us all just take a moment to think about how fun that is going to be…is anyone else thinking what I am thinking? I will possibly then have two children at home that I have absolutely no control over. This could potentially be the most difficult parenting trap yet. How do I live in my house while everyone around me is acting like it is their house and showing no interest in what works best for me?…sigh.

Finally there is my youngest, which complains constantly about being too busy and then ends up with more to do. Honestly, I am afraid she learned this behavior from me. There is a distinct familiarity about her patterns that I recognize and I find myself waffling back and forth between pride and worry. I want to tell her that it is ok to say no and then I say (like I do for myself) “well, you do not want to miss out” or “You can handle it”. I am totally raising another over achiever and I have just realized where the pattern started. I would feel really bad about it, but I have heard that you have to heal yourself before you can heal others and…well…there is no healing happening for me anytime soon.

So you see the writing is a little more complicated now. It is not just about all the estate nonsense (Yes that is still going on!). There are new pieces to my life puzzle that I am working hard to find a spot for. Oh, what the heck, I guess I can dump some of this on you too from time to time too. Just know that some days I may need to write but I just can’t and some days I will write and I probably should not. As long as we have that understanding we will be just fine.