I am certain that most of my friends and family are sick of me trying to “find myself”. I have been looking for myself everywhere thinking it vital that I become employed or occupied in some way. I think I just figured out that I am fine right where I am and I need to stop trying so hard.
A few weeks ago I had written about a job I applied for at a local craft store. I interviewed and had waited expectantly for the call telling me I was hired. As the days went on I started to realize that that was not what I wanted to do at all. I was not the least bit interested anymore. I decided I would just tell them I had found something else, but they never called. Not even getting a call was difficult to take. I mean really I am not even good enough to stock shelves early in the morning? Tell me this would not bother you a little bit even if you did not want the stupid job!
Next I filled out paperwork for a volunteer job at our church. One day I want to do it and the next I don’t, what the heck is the matter with me? I have these papers that I received two weeks ago all filled out and there they sit in a folder saying “Are ya going to send us out or not?” Good question, it’s looking like NOT at this point. This has me feeling like a bigger loser…who volunteers at their church and then says, “Just kidding…changed my mind!”
The truth is that while I have been out looking for me I realized that I am very happy the way my life is and the thought of something job related messing with that just does not sound good. I am perfectly happy with the volunteering I already do and the small jobs that I pick up here and there, now and then. For me right now that is enough and that is okay.
You see finding yourself is great if you are floundering around but I am not. I am content and I have been struggling with some displaced guilt that what I do here at home and out in the world is just not enough, but it is. Honestly, what am I proving if I hoist boxes and stock shelves? Will I be happy if I am driving a ½ hour to volunteer at church doing data entry a couple times a week or will I be stressed? The truth is I am trying too hard to find something that fits my life and at this time nothing else fits.
I have found myself right where I left myself and I am glad to be back. I am working hard not to consider myself lazy because I do not want to add anything else to my life. I know when the time is right and the door opens to a new opportunity I will be ready. In the mean time I will stop blabbering on and on about what I am going to do with myself (this will make many people happy) and just stand in who I am and stop trying so hard to fit another mold of me.
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