If You Could Change Your Fate…Would YOU?

There are a lot of changes happening here at Casa Beadle, one daughter moving in and another preparing to move out to college and still another knee deep in high school and all the drama that goes along with it. Each is faced with new beginnings and the excitement that brings. Each one of these girls is also faced with making new choices for their lives and hoping that what they choose will be the age old answer to, who am I?

I enjoyed a chat with my youngest as she drove to school today. Avery has been in rehearsal for her role as a driver and what better way to motivate a young driver than to offer them a ride instead of taking the bus. The catch of course was that she had to drive us…clever, I know. Anyway, we were talking about fate and how important it is to not give up even if the odds seem dead set against you. My advice was to persist in being the voice of change. Sometimes it can be the quietest voice that is heard in the most deafening situations. The other thing is the fate that you see before you, could very well be the beginning of the journey and not necessarily the end. By persisting and having the faith that God has a plan for you and believing that you can define your destiny you keep your power instead of giving up and giving it away.

This giving away of power is how I have been living these last couple of years. I have allowed the drama and hurt of the estate issues of my parents to define who I am. I realized as I shared my “wisdom” (for lack of a better term) with Avery that I had given up on persistence and was being driven by my sadness and worry. I lost track of how I wanted to be defined and assumed this new role as martyr. As I drove home alone from the school I asked myself the same question that Avery and I had talked about “If you could change your fate would you?”

In the last few weeks I have noticed subtle nudges from God to get back on the right path for my life. I failed to really pay attention until this morning as I drove home alone after Avery dropped herself at school. I kept wondering to myself…if you could change your fate, would you? It sounds so parent like and sage, something that a good Mom would say to her child right? Yet, I was failing to listen to my own sage musings.

Amongst all the changes with both young and moderately older here at Casa Beadle, there are now, the beginnings of a change in me too. Perhaps somewhere in you there are rumblings of wonder? Maybe you have looked at your own path and wondered “Who am I?” and  also thought your path was at the end, but I can assure you that if you look hard enough and long enough you will see the tiny little sign that you missed early on that says “If you could change your fate, would you?”

Feels Like a Monday

Today is Tuesday. I tell you this because to me today is Monday. I cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that we are already committed to the week. We have stepped into it no holds barred.

Yesterday was Memorial Day, the day when we American’s remember the fallen soldiers from our nation’s wars. Yesterday, as is our tradition in our small town our family went to the local cemetery to honor the fallen men and women with a short ceremony where local veterans and politicians speak with reverence about the fallen and the high school band plays patriotic songs while we sing along. It is a big small town gesture that always warms my heart. You see people you do not know and some that you do. You see people sitting along the road side with their coffee, clapping as the veteran’s march by in the short parade up to the cemetery. You also see those standing with a salute at the ready and some with flags and cheers. It is small town America at its best.

Memorial Day is also the official start of summer. Now we can pull out our summer whites which by all fashion standards has been said to be a big no-no until the summer kick off. We can eat endless amounts of watermelon and popsicles and barbeque to our hearts content. There is an all out race to get busy living the laid back summer life and it all just started yesterday…on a Monday.

My week is in full swing and I have not even had a full cup of coffee yet. I have Monday laundry to do and Tuesday cleaning to start. Normally I would be quietly reflecting here all alone in my deck sanctuary, but today Aly is home. Aly’s last day of high school was last Friday, so today, Tuesday (which really feels like Monday) she is preparing to go job hunting. My Aly will graduate next Sunday which is now only six days away and the prospect of her life ahead is exciting and daunting all in one.

There is much to do in the week ahead and regardless of what day it really is it must all be done. Holiday and memorials aside life goes forward and the summer is not going to slow for anyone. The best course of action is to get with the program and make this Monday/Tuesday combo day as productive as possible. Whether I like it or not this week is up and running and I best run along with it.

Memoriam

It has been three years today since my Mom passed away. Three years ago today normal became a moving target. People have shown their true colors, some good and some bad and I have grown in some things and regressed in others. I have learned that what looks like no big deal from the outside can be a painful wreck on the inside and I have also learned that some people thrive on bitterness and misery.

I have guessed and second guessed on many things, but I have stood firm in my plan to make sure that the deceit that began long before my Mom died would somehow be repaired. I can never know the true extent of what happened to my Mom, but I know enough. What I do know makes me realize that those involved in her care thought primarily of themselves. Those that I trusted and believed only had her best interests at heart let her down with their greed, self importance and lies. What is left is a trail map of what happens to people when they think they are better than anyone else and the hurt that it can cause. Three years is a long time to be trying to make a wrong right, but that is how wrong it really was.

I am ready to move on from this painful point, but there is still work to do. Once the final decision has been made and the last paper signed, I hope we can finally move on and let my Mom rest in peace. Three years is a long time and when you are spending that time unraveling a mystery of hurt and wrong doing it can feel even longer. In the end all that really matters is that my Mom is gone. Nothing will change that, all I can do is continue to remember that I loved her. She was not a great Mom, but I loved her and I knew she loved me. In the end, that is all that matters.

Big Changes Abound

Life is always a moving target. I believe God likes to keep us on our toes and when he senses that we are to comfy, He shakes things up. I have to guess that I was way too comfortable and God thought it best to get me thinking and moving in a new direction. Enter my oldest daughter.

Due to circumstances that were beyond my control, her life started spiraling and fell off its axis. She was all ready to make some big changes to a new job and then the job was yanked out from under her…or at least we think so, because the boss is not calling her back. In the mean time she gave her notice at work and let her apartment know she was moving and suddenly she was an unemployed homeless person. It was as easy as that.

It was time for family to step up, so we did. My sweet daughter will be a new resident in our home temporarily, until she sorts things out with the new boss or finds a new job whichever comes first. This means I have to revamp what was once her room/guest room ASAP. This space had become a wasteland of old prom and homecoming dresses, table clothes and random books and boxes and I will have to lasso all of this stuff, throw it in my car and pay the Salvation Army a visit. This new turn of events is going to be a challenge for all of us, but it is what family does when the chips are down, and these chips are down and spread everywhere.

I will not lie; I am going a little nutty. I am feeling overwhelmed with my agenda which still includes party planning for the graduation party we will have here in four weeks…no biggie…plus the move in, next Saturday…plus the estate stuff, yes still, then graduation, college  orientation, college move in…aaaahahahahhhhhhh! Mark keeps telling me “One thing at a time, one thing at a time.” I honestly think that is how most men get themselves in trouble. One thing at a time my eye!

I am in prime shake up phase and I need to show God I can handle this. Pretty sure so far he is not impressed. Between bouts of hysteria and yelling instead of talking in a normal tone of voice, I am certain I have shown my true colors. I am a lunatic! Regardless life goes on and in the midst of the turmoil, a lesson or two will be learned. That’s what it’s all about anyway…right?

Avenger

You know how you are happily going along, feeling good, everything playing out nicely and then suddenly BAM, evil steps in and socks it to you? An unexpected punch right in the gut, boom, boom! That is what happened last Friday, I was feeling pretty good about the way things were going with settling my Mom’s estate and then WAM.

My sister (that lives down south) has decided now is a good time to hire a lawyer and demand an accounting of the estate. Mind you she has never asked us (my other sister and I) for an accounting. She has poked at us with emails saying she knows things and then when pressed would not share what she “knew” and she has accused and also made assumptions, but why a lawyer? Really?

SO because it is best that I not engage with her, I will tell you what I think. I consider myself an Avenger. Sorry, saw the movie with the family yesterday and my desire to wear a cape or something has gotten the best of me. But anyway, I have from the beginning of this felt it was my job to avenge the wrongs that have been done to my Mom by my Dad. If you have followed this mess from the beginning, you know all the terrible details and I really do not want to dig it up again, so you will just have to trust me that my Dad was evil and self centered and made very bad decisions that were hurtful. With that in mind it has always been my mission (another super hero term) to see that everything is settled fairly and honestly. My sister Theresa and I have worked diligently to remain focused on what my Mom wanted before my Dad put his grubby mitts in and messed everything up.

That being said, we now have this sister who can never be happy and who stood by and watched my Dad make all of the inappropriate decisions, calling us out about accounting? Seriously it is not a problem but why spend money hiring an attorney? Why not just send an email asking for an accounting? Why would you continue to make hurtful trouble? This is just unbelievable. I also want to make clear that this was my Mom, and this sister is actually my step-sister. My Mom included her and my other sisters and I always honored that because that is what my Mom wanted.

My Duty is to preserve my Moms memory and her wishes and that is what I am doing. No one is going to be left out and no one is going to be cheated and every decision that has been made has been made with nothing but the best interests of our families in mind. I will avenge the wrongs that have been done and now I will protect the integrity of my sister Theresa and myself. It is sad that we cannot all just focus on settling everything and moving on instead we must now all focus on the squeaky wheel, who apparently thinks that we are going to behave like her Dad and disregard the wishes of my Mom.

Just for the record, that is not how this Avenger rolls. I am determined to see this mess through. When this finally ends there will be some tears in the family fabric, but I have to chalk that up to my Dad. The sad part is that I knew this was going to end like this and told him so just three short years ago. Sometimes you just have to let evil worm its way around it's self and do themselves in. It’s something you learn in super hero school, you will just have to trust me on that…and you can trust me!

Mothering

Today is Mother’s Day. There is always a vision in my head of how I want today to go. I generally envision endless surprises and my children fawning over me and my every want and need anticipated and handled and a variety of gifts in endless supply. What actually happens is…well, none of that.

Quite honestly, I never really took Mother’s day seriously, even when my Mom was alive. I always struggled to find a card that said just enough, without over thanking her. I would poke through the cards hoping to find something generic that would not give my Mom credit for things she did not do, things like

·         Mom, you were always there for me

·         Thank you for all of your sacrifices

·         You made who I am today

·         You gave me a great life

The hard part is that now that I am old enough I can step back and realize that my Mom gave me everything she had. I should not have expected her to be anything other then what and who she was. She deserved praise for her offering me the gift of life and doing her best to raise me when she was struggling herself. I have always been so wrapped up in not having the perfect Mom that I under appreciated the Mom I did have.

Honestly, each and every day I will do and say something that I can attribute to my Mom. My quirky sense of humor, my desire to dance to music no matter where I am and my ability to say something inappropriate and not realize it until it is too late (commonly known as Foot in Mouth Disease or as my family says “no filter”). All of these things are who I am today and gifts that I was given by the one person I have spent my life denying.

When you look at these gifts, you might wonder how I can be thankful for them, but it is easy. I was also taught to laugh at myself and I have never taken myself seriously. My self esteem is actually pretty low, but it has afforded me the ability to strive to be a better me and not get comfortable riding the “I got it all going on so no need to change or be better wave”. That is a gift.

My Mom did what she could, but I knew I could do better, just by watching all the other women in my life. I have been blessed with friends and loved ones who have offered me many lessons in loving and caring for my children. Some lessons came from watching them and some lessons came in the form of advice, but all the lessons have helped me appreciate how difficult a job being a Mom is.

It has also helped me realize that one day is not enough time to express to a Mom how much you truly appreciate what she does. Don’t get me wrong, I am not proposing more than one Mother’s Day, I am just suggesting that appreciating and understanding can happen any day and any time and maybe making it one day raises the bar of expectation for those of us who are Moms.

Today, I will sit back and let the day be what it will be, no expectations. I will also be sending heartfelt love and admiration to the heavens, so that my Mom will know that I finally get it. We are who we are and you give what you have and if you want more, you give more. In the end what you give away will fill you more than any gift or fawning you receive. It also will make your day especially lovely if you say or do something to embarrass your children (you can thank my Mom for the last one).

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Me with my girls

Me and Ashleigh

Me and Aly

Me and Avery

Me and My Mom

Taking It Down a Notch

The good news is that after weeks of wondering, last night I learned that I am not going to be heading down to New Orleans…at least not until later in June. We shall see as the time approaches if that works out. Last night I spent the evening running to an office supply store to locate legal size paper, so that I could print off 11 pages of paperwork that needed to be signed and notarized and overnighted today. This is the payback for not having to go to New Orleans.

My sister told me on the phone how this was a cheaper and less stressful solution to actually being in New Orleans. After running for paper, bugging my friend who is a notary and watching as he prepared all the papers and found two witnesses, I wondered how much less stressful it was. I do admit that buying the legal paper and paying for an overnight package is way cheaper than a flight and a hotel stay, but the other side of that coin is I was kind of looking forward to some time away from all the impending Graduation party work and thinking. But in the end this takes all the other stress down a notch which is a blessing.

May is tough enough since my Mom died May 22 2009, my Dad Died May 3, 2010 and my Aunt Nina (even though I begged her not to) Died May 18, 1011. Finally when Aunt Nina starting failing I felt it important to at least ask her to hang on, but being a woman with determination and her own plans, she would have none of that. She decided it was time and that was that. I will forever remember those dates. It all seemed very surreal as it was playing out.

In time we all have trials we must face down. Recently I have heard things that have affected the lives of friends and friends of friends and I realize that we all have our burdens. No life is untouched by sadness and disappointment. In the end it is not the event that determines who you are, it is your reaction to the event. Facing down an adversity or trial is a true barometer to who you are and who you will become.

I think that many of us in the midst of our trials imagines that we are in the middle of the worst plight ever, only to hear later that others are facing far worse circumstances. I have had to remind myself many times that better people then me have been through way worse.

Today I will celebrate being able to take my stress down a notch. I will be happy that I am home with my family and friends. I will also be glad that I now have a giant package of legal size paper. Everyone should have some 8 ½ x 14 inch legal paper on hand, don’t you think? 

I will also remind myself that where I came from is not who I am. I will not be defined by the sadness. In the end my memories will be of the good times and the good people in my life…you all know who you are!

Living On the Edge of My Seat

So for probably a month I have been living on the edge of my seat. This is not a comfortable place to be. Think back if you have had the misfortune to be seated on a bleacher seat for more than a few minutes. There is the wood pressing into parts that are not meant to be up against anything solid and then the reaction of those parts, not a good combo…that’s how my brain feels.

Life has taught me to be open and ready for change, but I am not always the best at learning and sometimes forget the lessons, so I have not been especially patient as we wait week to week to settle this estate mess that was dropped on my sister and me. One minute we are heading to New Orleans for some final details and the next it has all been pushed back. It is like we are stepping off the bleachers every so often to play Twister with the widow of my Dad. You think your edge of the seat butt issues will be calmed and then you find your arm wrapped around your leg and your head dangerously close to someone else’s butt.

The biggest relief comes in knowing that perhaps someday I can write about something besides my family’s dysfunction…wouldn’t that be nice or maybe not? Anyway, the building my Dad’s company was in is sold and we are waiting on the closing and the house that my parents owned and the widow was living in may have sold too. We have accepted an offer, but with all things financial it is best not to celebrate until you are cashing the check…and so we wait, with our lives twisted up from our game of Twister and our butts sore from the set of life bleachers we are waiting on.

You cannot make this kind of fun up people!

In a day or two I will be posting some before and after pictures of our basement project (I know Whoopie more fun than ever) and if you are real nice, I may write about something besides all my family crap. I will make no promises, because I just never know if I will have time. Honestly, I gave up breakfast with my sister this morning so I could hang out with you. That is how much I care about you, so do not think that I don’t!

You will excuse me while I sit back down on my bleacher seat and wait for my phone to ring…excuse me can you move your head or is that your butt, sorry I cannot see anything from this position.

Sixteen

Sixteen

Today my youngest daughter is sixteen years old. Actually she will be sixteen at noon. I tell Avery every year on her birthday that “Although your birth certificate says 1:00 PM it is actually 12:00 PM.” It is a tradition, I know it is something that Avery looks forward to…or maybe not. I should know when she was born because I was there and since I was being induced, I was watching the clock. I was concerned that I would be like one of my dear friends that had been in labor for something like 36 hours, I was going to have NONE of that business! So the nurses or whoever made up the documents were wrong, BAM…end of story, my baby, my time!

I also tell Avery and most anyone that will listen, that if I had not been induced, Avery would still be comfy cozy in my womb. My baby girl loves her sleep and she seemed to be very cozy in my womb. While her sisters were doing back flips, belly flops and writing on the walls until they joined us in this world, Avery was calm and relaxed and just cruising along. The whole idea that we wanted her up and around is still a difficult concept for her to grasp. Every morning it is a complete surprise that she has to get up, unless of course, something fun and exciting is happening that day, for example…HER BIRTHDAY!

When I was younger and giving my Mom a hard time, or plopping on the couch or sitting down knees first, my Mom would give the traditional curse “I hope when you have kids of your own they____________!!!” Insert into that blank, things like, “Jump on your furniture or give you a hard time or break your things, it was never ending and I assumed that I was doomed when I had kids of my own. The truth is I am not cursed at all, I am blessed. Being a Mom is what I do and it took three bright shining starry eyed girls to give me the best job I have ever had.

Avery is the best of both Mark and I with a good amount of God’s love mixed in. She is tender hearted and loving. She is smart and funny and best of all Avery is a very good friend. She takes to heart that you treat others the way you want to be treated. Actually, when we were planning her big 16^th birthday sleep over party for tomorrow night, we had to keep expanding the guest list because she could not bear to leave any friends out and have them hurt. Even with the guest list at 10 girls (Please pray for me!) she is still sad that there were some that we just could not add due to space.

I knew how blessed I was when Ashleigh was born and I was certain that I had been put on this earth to be her mother, but I had no idea that God would trust me so much that he would give me two more of his angels to care for. The only way I can thank Him for this blessing is to keep loving them and raising them and putting up with their teenitudes until they are on their own and even then, I will have the good fortune of sticking my nose into their business (right, Ashleigh?) because that is what this Mom does.

Avery, your love is truly one of the blessings in my life. Thank you for loving me and understanding me. Your path will be long and your life will be fruitful. All that meet you will be drawn to you and the world is yours to conquer! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Still Out of My Mind, but Regained my Cool

Last week was not pretty. It was so not pretty that it required me to seek a therapists help. You see, after years of being half way crazy, I am used to taking my instability to a professional when the chips are down. There is no shame in admitting when your problems are bigger then you are able to handle and trust me these problems are big!

Turns out, my cork popped because I have taken on too much. Now to my friends and to my readers this does not come as insightful news, you already knew that about me…BUT WAIT there’s more! I have guilt…guilt about everything you can think of…things like,

·         I am not a good enough Mom

·         I do not do enough

·         My family (Mom and Dad) have hurt other people in my family and I wish I could fix it

·         People I care about are hurt by things I cannot control

·         I do not always make a great meal

·         I never really did anything with my life

Now honestly, most of these are pretty much things that we all struggle with everyday. Some of us can handle it and some of us (pointing at myself) can’t. Every time one of my family members needs something and I cannot make it happen for them I feel less then. Every time someone in my family points out a ball that I have dropped I feel like I have let them down (this one all by its self is a huge no win item).

The truth is I have been carrying around a net to save everyone else, while I keep landing face first on the cement. Somewhere along the line I have learned that I need to please everyone and put myself last. My importance is small, everyone else’s is not. The equity in my life is not level and it was only a matter of time before it all caught up to me.

Right now I have to learn to let my kids land off the net. My saving them is killing me and it is not helping them. I need to ask for more help…this one is not going to be easy. I am a dyed in the wool “I have this covered” person. The problem is that I am covering so much that I have no way of covering it all…cue, MORE guilt! I have to believe that my parent’s transgressions are not mine to repair. The hurts are theirs to bear. This also stands for the people in my life that I know can do better in their relationships, but for whatever reason chose not to. I cannot fix them or their relationships only they can. I cook great meals or at least what I consider great and that is all I can do. I need to learn to follow my friends advice and “Let them eat cereal once in a while”. If I am busy I am busy, these are big people that will eat if they are hungry.

Last but not least, I have done with my life what I have done. Is it enough? Is there more I should do? Who knows? I guess all I can do is keep trying everyday to be the best I can be, whatever that is.

I had thought at one point I was a writer, but now I am not so sure. I love writing, but I am not so sure I can write a book or article. I have too much quirkiness in my head and this does not transfer well in the publishing world. For now I will continue to write my blog and perhaps realize that for me that is enough.

Most of all in order to keep my cool I will return to my therapist a time or two more. There are too many things in the next few weeks that require me to be calm and rational. I am certain that the best bet here is to let the professional help me with that. Also, because I love you all so much, I will continue to write it all out so that you realize how truly crazy I really am. That is what I do for the people I care about, help them think they are not the crazy one…you are welcome!