A New Perspective

As I sat on my deck in my sanctuary the other night I had a new perspective on my yard. Since Aly is still recovering from her surgery, I decided to put one of our lounge chairs from our yard on our deck so that she could relax outside if she wanted to. I decided I would sit in the lounge chair and test it out. As I sat in the chair with my feet outstretched the back of the chair leaning back in a slight angle, I realized that I could see my yard in a whole new way. My whole perspective had changed, that has been what the last week was like for me as well.

 Since my Aunt Nina passed away on the 18^th of May I have been battling some strange sense of guilt. It had overcome me. I was not thinking clearly. I felt intense amounts of guilt about things that I should not feel guilty about. At one point I found myself crying and frustrated because I had let my deceased family down. I had been given wave after wave of death and disappointment and then once the waves died down all of the family memories were left behind for me to sort through and learn from so that I could share them with my children. I was overwhelmed, sad, and battling depression.

 That's when sitting in the lounge chair helped me realize I needed a new perspective on where I am in my own life and what bearing the deaths of my Mom, Dad and Great Aunt have on my life. I need to stop letting the history of my family swallow up my happiness and desires. I have to focus on what good can come from the memories and the happiness that I can spread from the items that they have left behind. In the case of my Mom, I still have a few things of hers that I know I have to let go of and as for my Dad there is a big box of pictures that he sent me a few months before he died that is still sitting in a closet in my basement that I need to empty out and get rid of. My Great Aunt's life is still all over her house and I find myself picking up pictures and items throughout the house and trying to piece together the stories that she told me.

 My new perspective is that I have been given the gift of being the keeper of the family. I will keep the memories and some of the history of our family and I will keep some of the items that make me happy and remind me of happy times. The rest of it must go, that includes the guilt and all of the boxes of pictures that no one else wants. I have been left here to do what I can for myself, my husband and my children and that is all I am responsible for. I will keep the memories and stories alive and I will pass along heirlooms and the rest I will release like the cotton parachutes that come off dandelions. In one good breath, I will let it all go and keep my new perspective.