Fair Expectations

Expectations are tricky things. You expect it to be sunny on your wedding day, but it rains. You expect people to treat you like you treat them, but they don't. You expect people to keep promises, but they let you down. You learn over time that expectations are something that you can put on yourself, but when you have expectations of anything else you are most likely headed for disappointment.

I remember years ago, I use to go to a Stay-at-home Mom conference called Hearts at Home.
Hearts at Home was a faith based conference that encouraged mothers young and old to hang in there and fight the good fight at preparing our children for life. Each year my girlfriend and I would head out kissing our families good-bye for the weekend and enjoying workshop after workshop on how to be good mothers and wives. We would drive home from the conference full of excitement and enthusiasm to share what we had learned with our families, only to open our front doors and find our homes in disarray and our families less than enthusiastic about our return.

As time went on we started lowering our expectations. We knew that we were asking a lot for our husbands to do what we did every day (just the way we always did it too!), but a girl can dream can't she? And that is exactly what it was, an unfair expectation, or a dream, if you will. We started reminding each other when we left for the conference to be happy for the time we spent pouring into ourselves and our chosen career of motherhood and come home with no expectations. It was the only way to enjoy the time away from home, open the front door and be happy to see our families. That was when I started to realize that the expectations that I placed anywhere but on myself were too high a bar for life to meet.

There is no reason to stop wishing or dreaming, but if you expect someone to act a certain way or believe as you do you will be disappointed. If you think that the way you have always done something is the best and only way, you will find in time that some may challenge your expectation when you press them. The only fair expectation is the one you put on yourself. The only fair disappointment in your expectations not being met should come when you let yourself down. I guess it is fair to say that I am still learning the lesson about expectations. I often still expect that things that others do will be different or less hurtful, or even make sense, but the real gift here is that now I can remind myself that as long as I allow myself to expect anything from anyone else it is not a fair expectation. The only fair expectation is that I will be learning this lesson for most of my life.

Making Lemonade

There are times in life when you feel like you are standing in the middle of a lemon tree orchard. You have your hands full of nothing but sour circumstances and you have no idea what to do. I would like to suggest making lemonade, by adding a little sugar that sour blend becomes a little sweeter. There is no way to change the path life is taking other then hard work and a good attitude. If you want to stand in the middle of your lemon tree orchard and wait, you may never see your way through. However, if you choose to walk through you may find that the sun is shining brightly on the other side.

 I have chosen to step out of my lemon tree orchard. I cannot change the circumstances, but I can change how I react to them. I know that if I decide to be crabby and angry, it will not change how life is playing out, so it makes sense to take a shot at being joyful and sipping on my homemade lemonade.

 I have the pleasure of knowing a woman who lives this theory every day. She is not a close friend, but I have interacted with her on and off for several years. When I see how she walks with grace through her personal trials it makes me want to learn to live that way. She finds joy in all she does, making meals for her family, caring for her friend's small children and going camping with her husband. I have seen her live through some of life's toughest moments and still come out on the other side of her lemon orchard with a thankful heart and a smile for a friend.

 This trek out of the orchard will not be easy for me. Changing how you look at life's tests takes patience, patience and strength. It is easy to become sullen and angry at things that are difficult, but with just a tweak of the heart it can be just as easy to release that sour heart and sip the sweetness of happiness and joy. Today as I look out my window at the pouring rain coming down sideways in the blustery wind, I found myself tested to find a blessing. After some thought I realized how fortunate I am to have this day to clean and refresh my home for the holidays. I plan to put on some Christmas music and dust and mop to the beat and when it is time for a break, I will enjoy the sweet lemonade I made today by changing my heart.

Food

If your home is anything like mine, the focus over the last few days has been on food. The Thanksgiving holiday requires you to heap large amounts of food in front of yourself and then polish it off. Once you are done overeating, you wait for a short amount of time and then insert some pie or dessert. I believe that the dessert portion is kind of like the rinse cycle, pie or dessert is a nice way to cleanse your pallet and let your tummy know that turkey is not your only fuel source.

Food is a fuel, and it helps keep us going. Yesterday as I sat hating myself for overeating for the last three days, I realized that while we had all eaten well and fueled our bodies, our minds and spirits were lacking. Each of us is dealing with our own emptiness and frustration and it has started taking a toll. Mark has 18 more days of work, Ashleigh's divorce will be final soon, Aly is pushing herself so hard to do well in school and finish her senior year of high school at the top of her game that she is becoming an emotional cyclone. I am in the middle of this giant financial mess that my Dad created when he died and Avery, well Avery is actually doing pretty well, although she is fighting a very bad cold.

I wish there was a way to fill each of us up with an emotional dessert. Something that would cleanse our emotional pallets and give us a break, but it seems for now there is no emotional dessert buffet open to us. Families being what they are, when one man is down, the domino principal takes over and we all go down. Thus we are all feeling the pressure and pain as one. I cannot help but feel like we just need a little emotional fuel, just a little bit of sweetness to help get us over this hump.

Do not get me wrong, we are OK and we will stay OK. This is nothing we cannot get through together it is just that we had gotten so use to riding the wave of everything being so much better that it felt a little like a sucker punch when the dominos started to fall. I wish I could take away the stress that Mark feels. I wish I could say something comforting and wise. I also wish that a simple emotional dessert would sooth my daughter Ashleigh and help her through this difficult time. It is very hard to see the people you love fighting to keep from being swallowed up by their stress and sadness.

The only fuel source I can offer them right now is my love. I have this desire to help them, but I know that we are all part of a plan and that we must live through this in order to understand and appreciate what comes next for us. Knowing this does not make the stress easier, but it does make heading into it and coming out of it a sweet reward. In the end making it through is like cleansing your pallet with a delicious piece of pie with and extra dollop of whipped cream on top.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is turkey day. My turkey is in the kitchen waiting for my attention, which will happen in just a few moments. First I must sip my coffee and spend a little quiet time. Yesterday I made two pies, chopped veggies for a vegetable tray, taught Avery how to make homemade cranberry relish and later made some appetizers to nibble on when Ashleigh arrived home.

Thanksgiving is our day to do nothing but eat. We usually do not make any plans and spend the day eating, playing games and I of course search through all the sale ads for my shopping trip on Friday. This year, I am unprepared. My Christmas shopping list is nonexistent and I worry that my girlfriend and I will be roaming from store to store and accomplishing nothing. As I have mentioned before, the midnight starting time the stores have started has really taken the thrill out of the shopping hunt for me. I cannot help but worry that by the time we head out at 6 AM there will be nothing but bare shelves and crabby cashiers.

Regardless, today I am thankful we will have all of our daughter's home with us and that we are blessed to have the life we are living. We have everything we need and we are blessed enough to be able to share with others in need. As I prepare to go cook my stuffing, peel my potatoes (we all love homemade mashed potatoes) and stuff my turkey, I am also thankful that I enjoy cooking for my family. Having them each enjoy their favorite part of the meal is my motivation to get back at it next year.

I am thankful to you as well that you take the time to stop by my blog to see what crazy idea I have in my head most days. Knowing that there are a few people out there that are interested, or just curious about my crazy life has kept me pouring out my heart for over two years now. I am truly thankful for this outlet and the opportunity it has given me to leave a recorded history for my family of just what my life has been like as I have made my way through the loss of my Mom and learned that she may not be physically here, but she remains in my heart.

To all of you I wish for you to have a Happy Thanksgiving and a wonderful holiday season. May your wishes become reality and your hard work be rewarded.

I will be back at my blog on Monday November 28th

Whirling Dervish

On your mark, get set, GO! The holiday frenzy has begun and there is a frenetic energy coursing through the air. My carpets were cleaned yesterday and as I sit amongst all the furniture that has been removed from the carpeted areas of the house and disbursed in random non carpeted areas, I wonder if I will be ready for the big turkey dinner on Thursday. The thought that came to my mind this morning as I tried to sort out what I must accomplish in the next 48 hours was "I feel like a whirling dervish!"

As I sat down to write this morning I realized that I had no idea where the term whirling dervish came from, I just remember as a child being accused of being one and the wonder of it sent me to Goggle to see what a whirling dervish actually was. What I discovered surprised me.

A Whirling Dervish is actually an Islamic tradition of Sufism. It is a very devout Muslim faith and the whirling is a form of meditation. As I watched the faces of the Sufi's during the whirling, I actually saw peacefulness and calm and I wondered how the term "running around like a Whirling Dervish" became a negative thing.

Today it is with a new outlook that I set out to perform my holiday tasks. I feel enlightened and believe that if I just accept the tasks that must be done and perform them like a Whirling Dervish, I may become more in tune and happy. Rather than setting out to take care of my errands as drudgery, perhaps I should look at them as an honor and blessing.

I have the good fortune to be able to prepare a delicious meal for my family and to share time with my family over the holiday. I do not need to buy into anyone else's idea of what the holidays will be like. Yes, it will be busy and yes I might feel overwhelmed at times, but if that is the worst thing that happens to me then I am quite lucky. I now realize that being a Whirling Dervish is not a bad thing at all. I am actually feeling honored to be one. What don't you watch the video and decide for yourself.

You Are Opening When?

I admit it! I am one of the wacko's that heads out early on the day after Thanksgiving to shop. My girlfriend and I have been heading out together for about 13 years. I have only missed one year, and we made up for it a couple weeks after by spending the day out together. I like to think of the day as my version of hunting, but rather than bagging a deer or some other creature, I bag Christmas gifts.

We have been up and out the door by 6AM and even 5AM, but this year the anti has been upped by the retail chains when the decision was made to open stores at midnight. I called my friend last night as I perused the newspaper to chat about what we were going to do. Our early shopping was always about getting the great deals, but who the heck wants to cook all day, visit with family and then with no real sleep under your belt hit the stores?

Let's think about this, people that are out there with us on Black Friday are not always the most patient, add to that tiredness and you have a recipe for disaster. My girlfriend and I have always headed out with the motto "Pack your patience", but this year we might have to pack our patience and happy faces to smile at all the tired cranky people we will most likely run into.

Our plan is to still head out at our normal time, probably around 6AM. This will mean that by the time we start shopping, all the door busters will be gone and the shelves may be bear, but we do not care. We are going for the thrill of the hunt and the opportunity to spend some time together. Just because the retailers are trying to ruin Thanksgiving does not mean we have to jump on board, I mean really I am sure that they will have shoppers at midnight, but why? I urge those that think they need to head out that early to wait. Maybe if we stage a protest and all head out at a decent time (well, decent for the day after Thanksgiving anyway) maybe next year we could get these retailers to take it down a notch. At this rate in just a few short years, instead of the night before Thanksgiving being the biggest bar night of the year, it will become the biggest shopping night of the year.

I know I sound like a curmudgeon, and perhaps the fact that I do not respond well to change is showing, but seriously, all I can say to this new idea the retail accountants thought up is "You are opening when? WHY?"

Resting Face

To some today's topic may seem crazy, but I am trying to change my resting face. I have realized that when I am going about my daily life, I wear a frown. I have over the years developed a solid down turn in my mouth area that I am sure is now permanent, but I am determined to fight back with an all out "Turn that frown upside down campaign".

I started yesterday as I was grocery shopping. I forced the sides of my mouth up as I made my way from aisle to aisle. The best part is that people thought I was smiling at them and they started smiling back. It was like a little reward. Now not only am I working on restructuring my resting face, I am helping other people do the same thing.

I have tried this whole thing before, but I often give up and settle back into the frown groove, but this time I am intent on redefining my facial dents. I no longer want to catch myself with that grumpy look. In time perhaps it will be as easy to smile as it is frown.

Be honest now as you started to read this, did you catch yourself thinking about your resting face? Did you check to see if you were frowning? Consider this, if we all make the effort to turn our frowns upside down we might actually be the beginning of a full on happiness campaign. I do caution you though, you must be very careful to turn that frown into a sincere smirk or grin, or you run the risk of scaring people.

All you need to do is lift the corners of your mouth ever so slightly. Once you do that you will note that your eyes seem to open larger and they also become brighter. My hope is that in no time at all the deep crevices I have created by giving little attention to my resting face will suddenly become lighter. This whole idea started out as a vain attempt to fight back the aging process and now the "Turn your frown upside down" campaign could very possibly change someone's day one smile at a time. Who knew that your resting face could be so important?