Hostile Circumstances

Money does strange things to people. Money can make life so much easier and at times not so easy at all. Right now I am the executor of two estates, my Great Aunt Nina's estate (who passed away last May 2011) and my Mom's estate (who passed away in May 2009). I know what you are thinking, "Wow, both in May?" Let me add to that that my Dad died in May of 2010 and you have the making of a movie of the week. Anyway back to the money thing.

In both of these estates we have enough characters to take that movie of the week and turn it into a miniseries or with a really good writer it might even make a good series. I have learned that people believe that the executor is the bad guy or gal in this case. You are working to make sure that the wishes of the deceased are honored and you have an heir beating their chest about mundane issues that have no bearing and making an already tough job more difficult. Mix in old family drama and wounded feelings and you have yourself a giant estate noose that tightens and loosens based on the heirs and their complaints.

In one case the heir is ticked off because a check that was sent was lost in the mail. I will give you the fact that it is aggravating and frustrating, but making demands and saying unkind things is going to turn against you, when people begin to catch on to your tactics and decide not to run around frantic when you fly off the handle. In another case the heir is suspicious and feeling out of the loop about things that are out of our control. Old family dynamics are rearing their ugly heads and assumptions are being made on every side that are not true.

In the end it is all about M-O-N-E-Y. Here is the thing, money will not find the missing check and money will not fix the hurt feelings or change the family dynamic. The people involved have to do the fixing and as long as one side is beating down the other side all you will end up with is a hostile circumstance that includes finger pointing, berating, and very hurt feelings. This is not an ideal working environment for anyone, even a lowly executor.

I tell my girls all the time that we are always where we are suppose to be, that God has a plan and we must see it through or we will face the same plan in a new and different (or more challenging) way. Our job is to learn what we are supposed to learn and move on. This is what I have learned so far;

• You get back what you give out, mean creates more mean
  
• Money is not the root of evil, the love of money is
  
• An inheritance is a gift…when is the last time you yelled at someone when your gift was lost in the mail?
  
• When God has a plan for you, you had best show up and ride the wave because some lessons you do not want to learn twice!
  

I made myself a promise this weekend to hold my head high and believe that (as I always have) I am honoring the memory of my heirs by performing this service. I cannot allow the hostility of people who have not walked through their life lessons yet to make me hostile too. Money does strange things to people and it somehow makes some people lose sight of what really matters. I am working hard at trying to keep my head above the hostility and getting these estates resolved and distributed, believe me that will be the best thing for everyone involved. In the mean time I am learning some great negotiating skills.

    

 

Put The Sugar Down!

It is the time of year when I realize that the holiday bad habits are having an effect on me. Case in point, SUGAR! I am normally a pretty focused person when it comes to diet and exercise. I eat healthy food and show great regard for portion control throughout the year and then suddenly from Thanksgiving until the ball drops in Times Square on New Years it is a free for all of unhealthy food and beverage decisions.

I find myself looking in the mirror when I dress or brush my teeth and even when applying my makeup and sneering with disgust. "Look at you!" I think to myself, "You disgust me!" "Have you no self control?" I actually think that when I sweat the sweat pours out of my body like syrup. I am also aware of a doughy feeling sort of like the Pillsbury Dough Boy only doughier and more feminine.

This is my official announcement that I am aware of the situation and I will be taking action to get this situation under control. I am not going to lie to myself and try to quit sugar cold turkey. I am however going to make an effort to remove the temptation from the house. I did pitch a hand full of M&M's in the trash this morning. I had pulled the bag out to throw them into chocolate chip cookies for the girl's lunches and there were a few M&M's left in the bottom of the bag. I had begged my children to eat them or give them away, but I think they are intentionally working against me. Perhaps they are hoping for a jolly Mrs Claus like Mom.

I am fully aware this is my responsibility and I also am aware that as soon as I announce that I am not going to eat sugar anymore, or drink wine or…well you get the idea, I crack and basically throw myself onto whatever the trigger item is to keep it safe. I double up on my consumption and end up sneering even more at my syrup dripping doughy self with complete distain. They only possible way out of this cycle is a slow steady trudge uphill shedding one ounce of sugar sweat at a time.

Today I hope to stand tall and face the mirror knowing full well that this is a one day at a time process. There is only one person that can take charge of this and since Mark will not help me, I am going to have to step up to the plate…"Oh, wait not the plate…is that an M&M cookie?" I have my work cut out for me, but I am confident that when the chips are down…"Oh chips! I love chips…those are not sweet at all!" Anyway, today is the day and who knows what will happen. One thing is for sure I need to PUT THE SUGAR DOWN!

Who Are You?

Have you ever had someone tell you something about yourself that you never realized, something simple or more in depth that someone else can see, but you cannot? Sometimes well intentioned friends or family may tell you things that they see that you do not believe are true, other times these same people have you scratching your head thinking "Hmm, am I really?"

I have had the opportunity over the years to have many people share their insights about me. There have been times that I thought these people did not know me at all and other times when a simple comment opened up a little piece of me that I did not even know was there.

Listening to others when it comes to who you are is tricky business, especially if the well intentioned person is off track and you happen to be having one of those days where you would take any suggestion someone has for you. After many false positives from others, I am finally comfortable enough that I can hear a suggestion and tweak it to work in my favor. It was not an easy path mind you, I have been cajoled into bad hair styles, a very bad marriage (my first husband, not my current) and some not so pretty events where I was bolstered by alcohol and victim to poor reasoning skills.

I now know that I can be who I am and if who I am does not work for someone else, that's OK. It's not that I want to shed people from my life, but I want to be sure that I honor myself and what I need and pay attention to the little voice inside me that lets me know when I am not being the real me. I have (my family firmly agrees with this) strong feelings about many things. I have little concern for technical things- even though I love technology, just show me how the thingy works and then leave me be. I really have no interest in taking over Apple so if the little knowledge I have keeps me going with my cell phone, computer and now my IPad, that is good enough for me. I like dressing up and I many times over dress. I like feeling like I can run into anyone and not feel like I just rolled out of bed. I also have had the bad fortune of trying the whole "quick trip" to the store with my lounge pants and hoodie and no make-up and have come face to face with someone I know. Others can do this and are comfortable enough with who they are to make it work. I am weak and honestly quite frightening in reality and it is best to stick with the façade.

One last thing about myself that bugs many of my friends -but it is how I feel- I love to write, but do not think I am honestly very good at it nor do I understand why anyone would read what I write. I do however write from my heart and I honor what I believe in my writing.

This is who I have learned I am on my own and with help. I am someone that thinks deeply, speaks openly and honestly, loves people and travel and also loves writing. I am also someone that has no patience for deceit or manipulation. I love being a Mom and mothering, and I will probably end up mothering my children to death until the day I die! Finally, you should know that due to the afore mentioned bad marriage I absolutely cannot tolerate liars. That is who I believe I am, who are you?

Energy Source

I love the sun. I love a beautiful sunny day, whether it is warm or cold the sun makes my day. This morning as I look out my window at 7:30AM, it is still gray and murky and I find myself struggling for energy and I believe that it is the fact that the sun is nowhere in sight. My life is in turmoil right now, and I find myself looking in random unused parts of my brain for calming and energizing outlets. I need to feel centered and clear headed and at the same time be energized enough to be emotionally and physically available. Since there is no sun in sight I have chosen to light a candle and gaze at its warm light.

Our lives require endless amounts of energy these days. Not only are our schedules filled to the brim, we own every possible gadget that requires being connected to an energy source to sustain it. If we can take the time to connect a cell phone or computer to a much needed source of energy to recharge, why is it so hard to offer that same boost to ourselves?

Yesterday I took some time to recharge my emotional battery by having coffee and talking with a friend, over the weekend I connected with another friend that has tolerated me for the last twenty five years and today I plan to do a little baking which always seems to center me. I have chosen to make an effort to offer myself enough energy to keep me up and running. If the sun is not going to shine, maybe it is up to me to shine up my insides and glow from the inside out.

It would be nice if there were charging stations for people that were as easily accessible as the ones that are cropping up for cars in many cities, or even outlets that were open for us to plug into like we do our laptops and phones. Since we are not inanimate objects and we are able to think for ourselves, the responsibility for our energy falls to us. Recharging ourselves is always at the bottom of the list, yet it is probably the most important. There is no convenient outlet ready and waiting for us to plug into.

A warm glow from a candle and a walk in the crisp winter air may do the trick. A batch of warm cookies and a yummy dinner prepared to warm my family from the inside out on this cold winter day are all good starts to making a little energy go a long way. Somewhere in the turmoil is a centered place and with a little work I will make my way to an energy source so that my battery is low light will stop flashing.

I am just curious, what recharges your battery?

Down Hill

This morning two groggy girls, one eager Mom and a sleepy Dad are up preparing to start the second half of the school year. Actually we have about two more weeks in the first semester, but for some reason after the holidays it always feels like we are on a downhill slope towards the end of the school year. The end of the year train is pulling out of the station and everyone on board has different emotions about it.

The perspective of the slope we are on is different depending on who you are. If you are Aly, you are preparing for the final few months of your senior year. There are scholarship exams at colleges, plays at the school and classes to make her way through to graduate. In addition there will be Prom dress shopping, Senior Prom in the spring, and finally graduation. Also included in the final months of high school is the college decision. We are still waiting on two schools to wave their magic wand and let us know if she is excepted or not and then she will have to decide where she would like to go spend the next four years of her life.

If you are Avery, you are just happy. There are no major decisions this year except for whether or not to work on your driving skills. Avery turns sixteen in the spring and I would like nothing more than for her to finish her practice driving hours so that she can take her driving test and get her driver's license. I have encouraged, threatened, offered bribes and acted like it is her problem not mine and nothing has worked, so I am now going to my fallback position of letting it go. Avery will drive someday, she will have to. When she does drive, it will be her choice and her energy behind the wheel of the car. There is no room for two people behind the wheel of a car, so other than having her drive when she needs to be somewhere, I have to just back off.

Mark is diligently working on finding a new job. He has redone his resume and he is visiting recruiters. Mark is doing everything he can to get back to work and out of this house full of woman. It is refreshing to have him home more, but I know he would like to get back to work. The truth is he has been under so much stress with his old job that this break has been good for him. His shoulders are not so knotted and he is much more relaxed then he has been in a very long time. That being said, he is going nuts because he likes working and he also knows that I would like to paint my basement, so the sooner he finds work the better.

These next few months will fly by. Hopefully there will be a resolution to the disagreements over my Mom's estate, but I am steady at the helm and prepared to honor her wishes "come hell or high water" as my Mom used to say. I will be traveling to college campuses for exams and shopping for Prom dresses, applauding at Choir concerts and school plays. I will also be a passenger in the car that my youngest is driving and I will be cheering on my husband as he finds a new job. Something tells me that my hill will have a steeper slant then anyone else's. That of course is my perspective and it will be different for each of us as we make our way down hill.

Gratitude

Have you ever prayed so hard for a situation in your life to go a certain way and then had it go the opposite direction? At the time the opposite direction feels like a failure. You think you are a failure and you are kicking yourself and you are angry that your prayer was not answered. We have all been there. The interesting part is when what seemed so wrong, suddenly becomes all right. The unanswered prayer many times is our answer.

I find myself wondering how to be grateful when there seems little to be grateful for and then the phone rings or an email comes from a friend. There is a cold frozen breeze outside and the sun sparkles on the snow and I realize that the sun has lightened my steps. I feel lonely and my dog Roxanne jumps in my lap and shares her puppy love with me. Sometimes it is the little things that give me the boost I need to get over the hump, by looking for gratitude in the unexpected.

Last night I asked my husband Mark what he was grateful for from the day. I had expected him to say something like, you, or my life, but instead he said "spaghetti". I laughed out loud realizing that having spaghetti for dinner had made his day. My gratitude yesterday came from spending time with a dear friend that I had not seen in sometime, reconnecting and reaffirming that our friendship was something special.

While I am grateful for the life I live and the blessings I have been given, it is easy to lose sight of those things when you are knee deep in life. The daily grind of everyday living can wear you down until you no longer see anything worth being grateful for. I have decided to challenge myself to look for moments of gratitude in each day. Some gratitude's will be small seemingly insignificant moments like spaghetti. But it is those small moments when there is a whisper of snow glistening in the sun or snuggle from your dog that you get a glimpse of joy. That joy that small moment in time is worth grabbing on to and recognizing, if for no other reason than to keep you focused on your blessings.

Today as you step out into your life remember that the prayer you are saying may go the way you hope it will or it just might go in a different more blessed direction. Be open to the path your life takes and be prepared to be grateful regardless of the direction. While you are pondering your gratitude's take a minute to write them down. At the end of the day that one small glimmer of grace might be all that carries you the distance.

So, what are you grateful for today?

Repair Work

Eat, drink and be merry! That has been the theme of the last couple of weeks and I am ready to stop plying my body with every calorie known to man and get back to caring for myself and my body. I have some major repair work to do.

I have enjoyed a variety of cookies, beverages and candies. I might have had even more candy if my dog Roxanne had not helped herself to the box of truffles a friend gave me. No need to worry she is fine and her body rejected her holiday treat all over my living room rug. I have also had cheesy potatoes and Cheese balls and cheese puffs. The first officially nutritious meal I have had in a while was last night when I made spaghetti for my family.

The holidays bring challenges for me since I am a grazer and during the holiday season there are usually counters and buffets filled with delicious choices. I move from one platter to the next eating, eating and eating some more.

It is time to get back to real life and real eating and oh yeah…exercising. The being merry schedule has taken its toll. I have some repair work to do and I am ready to get at it. Of course I am going to wait until tomorrow to get back to working out and I have a couple more holiday snacks I should finish off, but after that, I mean business!