This is Who I Am

There is just too much in my brain. I can write about some of it, but some of it I cannot. You should know that life is not fair, but lessons are always learned. Hearts are sometimes turned and other times you have to walk away. There are times when an explanation is necessary, and there are times when if they do not know you well enough to know the truth about you, then you should just walk away.

I am done worrying about what you think you know and what I should tell you. There is one thing you should hear from me though. This is who I am. I have never changed…ever. I am honest and caring, I give from my heart and I share who I am with you until you hurt me. I have never been greedy and I have never been hurtful, but once you hurt me…OK, honestly…once I have been hurt enough, I am done.

I do not feel like I have to prove to you that I am doing what is right. I am. I do not feel like I have to make decisions that will hurt my family to keep a hurtful person that thinks nothing of hurting others happy. You know they are hurtful, and you know that they have been corrupted and you also know that they have hurt and corrupted people you love and yet you still question my actions.

This frustration is too much for me to handle on my own, so I am giving it to God. In spite of the forgiveness, I still struggle with how to accept this situation. This person that you worry about and think has been hurt so badly is now and has always been a victim and will continue to be one, yet no matter how many times they hurt me or my family you still wonder why I walked away. Just know this, this is who I am, I am a child of God, I live to honor Him and rather than compromise myself and encourage the evil that this person represents, I have chosen to walk away from them. No explanation to them is necessary, because evil always knows what is happening and why. No explanation is necessary to you, because you have chosen to believe that I am the problem.

I still love you and care about you and I also know you are in a terrible position. I am not asking you to take a side, I am only asking that you stand aside and allow this situation to play out. No one can win this. This plan was set in motion by someone even more evil and the truth will come out and the right things will happen in time, they always do. Just please know that you do not understand what is happening and you must stop believing things you know nothing about. I have never talked to you about this because I did not want you in the middle, so please do not put yourself there. I am frustrated and hurt and I want you to believe in me just once, but I know that God does and in the end, that is all that matters.

Its Called Parenting!

Another great morning here at Casa Get Out, I ended heading to my treadmill with my headphones on and wishing my children a great day, it felt like the safest place for all of us. You see one of my children is suffering from no clothes to wear, and she seems to think it is my problem, and when I would not jump on board with her thoughts she thought I was being mean. That is when I said to her, "I am not being mean, I am being your Mom, it is called parenting!"

Here is the way it works at Casa Get Out, my children are responsible for their own laundry. However, when my children are overbooked or under pressure, they simply have to ask and I will help them out. My only rule is that if I help them, the laundry must be put away it is not allowed to linger in the laundry basket as if it is a new dresser drawer. This is how items that are still folded end up back in the laundry room and I have NO patience for that.

My daughter is a wonderful person she is kind hearted and generally easy going, but she is also a terrible planner and spends a good deal of each day wishing she had planned better. This daughter is the same one that years ago prompted me to have my children create their own homemade charts of what to remember when they would head off to school. Today I am seriously thinking of starting that program back up!

This is not brain surgery, if you are in jeopardy of having to head to school naked, it is probably time to do laundry. The best part is my daughter washed a very tiny load of clothes last night. This morning, she tells me she has no pants to wear. As I am explaining to this daughter that perhaps a load that included some pants would have been a good idea she says "Why are you being so mean to me? Stop it, stop being so mean!" Seriously? You have not seen mean yet sister!!

The icing on the cake is that as I came into the kitchen after I blew off steam on the treadmill, I found this same daughters lunch sitting on the counter and a text on my phone telling me the lunch had been forgotten, could I put it in the refrigerator. "Already on it" I thought to myself. I am hoping to find a way to gently nudge this child of mine into planning ahead, but it is not looking good right now. I think this situation may require a chart with days and times that laundry should be done, or I can just leave it alone and when she is tired of wearing her summer clothes this winter she will do some laundry.

It's called parenting, but some days it feels more like one of those survival shows they put on television. I have no book to refer to on this, but I am pretty sure that being "mean" as a parent is actually a form of tough love. That being said, this morning my tough love was not a big hit. Wait until later today when my love gets a little tougher and I have her do more laundry and make a list of things she needs to remember to do. Mom is my name and parenting is my game.

Spastic Scholastics

Last night I found myself consulting with my daughters Aly and Avery about school. Avery has already decided what courses she would like to take next year for her junior year of high school and we were chatting about why she chose certain classes over others. Aly was sharing with me that she is on the verge of a meltdown because she has an overabundance of homework right now and she is hoping she can make it through without coming completely unglued.

I am often amazed at these young women of mine. They are always surprising me with their scholastic abilities. I am certain that these gifts of intelligence and scholastic aptitude did not come from me and I often marvel at what they know and how much drive they have to learn more. There is a part of me that is jealous of the sheer ease with which they can study and learn just about anything.

I have on my hands to spastic scholastics. They were born to learn and they love to learn and I wonder how this happened. I am not a scholar. I was never the class smarty pants. I made it through school but it did not come easy to me. Watching my children dream and plan their futures and struggling with their homework makes me wish I had realized my potential when I was where my girls are now. There is no way to know why one person is bright and learns easily while another cannot figure out anything and fights to just do the minimum required.

Whatever the reason is I once again have to remind myself we are always where we are suppose to be. There is also the fact that we all have our own time and plan for our potential. What one person assumes is a failure could very well be what makes them right for something even more fulfilling in their life. I marvel that Aly has the kind of homework that challenges her to the extent that it does. I am thrilled that Avery cares so much about her life direction that she is even considering her plan so far ahead of schedule. When I step back though, I realize that just yesterday my children could barely make it out the door in one piece, so I suspect that my calling has always been motherhood.

Years ago when my oldest daughter Ashleigh was born I felt that call. I knew that I had been given a very special gift. I was entrusted with a life that, with just the right amount of love and care would become a great person, with endless potential. In time I was chosen to care for two more very special individuals, and although I have sometimes questioned whether I was truly the right person for the job, I have found that my life is rich with love and joy because of these wonderful children and the opportunity to mother them.

It was a good night. There were heart to heart talks about school and goals. There was some discussion about rest and planning and there were even a few laughs and when it was all over, my spastic scholars climbed into bed and rested their weary heads just a bit earlier than the night before. That's when I knew that I may not be a scholar, but I might have this Mom thing figured out, at least for today.

GET OUT!

Is it possible that while June Cleaver (of the 50's show Leave it to Beaver) was smiling, waving good-bye and handing lunches to her family as they headed out the door in the morning, she was actually thinking "just GET OUT"? This morning as my lovely girls were both spinning through the house growling and snarping at anyone in their way that is what I was thinking. Why do we always end up in this place?

 These young women are tired and cranky and when I have the audacity to suggest that they go to bed at an earlier time I am met with the copyrighted teen eye roll and sometimes even the comment "MOM, I am fine, NO ONE goes to bed this early!" To which I respond, "Tired people do." Early in the morning when they are running around grousing because they over slept or cannot find anything to wear I am trying to find a safe place to hide and biting my tongue till it bleeds, because a little extra sleep and a plan before bed about the next day's attire would make a huge difference in their following morning.

 I of course know that I am merely the Mom and obviously not as wise as my teens, however just once I would like to pitch these two crab apples out and yell, "GET OUT!" The other part of this annoying issue is that while I am still stewing about the horrible morning, they are skipping back in the house in the afternoon holding hands and singing Kumbaya! When will I learn? Better yet, when will they?

 I will of course be having a chat with these young ladies at dinner tonight. Perhaps just a verbal tune up about the importance of rest and that sibling bullying is just as hurtful as any other kind of bullying will set them on a calm path for the two weeks we have left before their holiday break. My emotions are living on the edge as it is right now and when my kitchen and dining room become a battle field in the morning I tend to feel battle fatigue the rest of the day.

 My recipe for calm is that everyone needs a good night's rest and a better plan about what items we will wear and what items we need in order to head out the door. I remember the little sheet we made when the girls were young. They would cut pictures from magazines of things they needed to remember for school and then glue them to a sheet of paper that I would tape to the back door. It was a great quick reference for my children and it saved me from constantly nagging them. I doubt that I can get these crabby girls on board with making these posters now, but maybe we can problem solve a plan for peace and harmony.

Whatever form this plan takes it is best for all of us if it happens quickly. I have little patience left for the behavior I was exposed to this morning and since I am no June Cleaver, I can guarantee you I was not the least bit composed as my children went out the door. My advice to Avery as she ran out the door to the car this morning (where a very crabby Aly was waiting) was, "No matter what Aly says, say nothing!" I just did not want these two girls snarping back and forth when they were driving the dark slippery winter roads to school. I also do not want to be thinking "GET OUT" about my lovely children. All I want right now is a plan for the next two weeks. Is that too much to ask? Just go to bed, get some rest and wake up with a smooth transitional plan in place. This house will never be like the Cleaver's, but whose house ever is? I just do not want another morning at my front door thinking GET OUT!

Holiday Hysteria!

Just when you think you can never possibly eat or do another thing this time of year, something new comes up and BAM, you are driving in the car going somewhere or preparing to eat another meal with more people. These events are always places and meals you would not miss for the world, however they ratchet up the pace of the holiday season and they expand your waistline to a very uncomfortable and self esteem busting size. Happy hysteria to you!

This year I am determined to not let the over scheduling and the food get me down. I am dedicated to working out, and I am usually pretty good about watching what I eat with the exception of popcorn which I cannot pass up ever, "butter in the middle too please!" So when it comes to food, I will just have to work at being realistic and enjoying myself, January is a great month to climb on the treadmill and walk off a few meals. As for my schedule well, let's just say if last weekend is any example of what lies ahead, I will just have to practice pacing myself and ride the wave. This past weekend started with a lovely dinner out with some friends on Friday night. Saturday night was our 2011 Progressive dinner which was a huge success (I only regret not getting a picture of the appetizers that Mark and I prepared). It was great fun once again moving from home to home seeing everyone's holiday décor and tasting each delicious morsel of food that was prepared for us. Sunday morning we were off again to have breakfast with Mark's parents to spend some time with them and to celebrate the birthday of Mark's Dad. The rest of the day was fairly slow paced and ended with a nice family meal.

Go, go, go, food and more food. The difference was that this time I told myself that each moment was valuable and important, each bite of food was part of a greater memory and if I thought anything different it would start the holiday hysterics playing in my head and ruin the event. I have also convinced myself that the word "NO" is not a bad word. Not being able to do something does not make me a bad person. If I choose to say no, please understand it is only because when I do spend time with you, I want it to be calm and joyful. I do not want to spend that visit racing through my head listing off all of the things I could be, or should be doing.

I really think it is possible to do everything I want and still get all the holiday hoopla accomplished, I just really want to do the traditional routine with a different attitude this year. I want the hysterics to become happiness and I want the berating that I do to myself for eating too much to end. What purpose does it serve to let another holiday come to a close with me being measured for a straight jacket? So this is my personal declaration that this year I am going to march to a new attitude and see how things play out. All of the shopping, wrapping, visiting and eating are going to be there whether I like it or not, so I am consciously choosing happiness over hysteria. How about you?

Memories

This morning I have been spending a lot of time remembering. Over Thanksgiving my husband Mark had said that he would never forget the "worst" Thanksgiving ever. Mark was referring to the Thanksgiving 2009 where we drove straight through the night to New Orleans to spend Thanksgiving with my Dad and his new girlfriend. The trip had been two fold, first to spend time with my Dad who was riddled with Cancer and whose life was in jeopardy and to also go to the meeting where he announced his crazy plans for my parents estate (see post; Day 95 The Perfect Mom Project), which included leaving his ½ to his new girlfriend who became his wife two weeks later and to let myself and my two sisters that live up here in Michigan know that A. "He deserved to be happy" (his exact words) and B. We were entitled to nothing from him, essentially because we would not allow him to dissolve my Mother's trust.

 That was not a great time, but while the memory of that time is unpleasant, I learned that day that I was tougher then I thought and that the things I had thought about my Dad were true. I had never believed what he was constantly showing me he was. I would make excuse after excuse for him in my head. I always second guessed what my gut was telling me about him. That fateful day, the day after Thanksgiving 2009 was literally Black Friday for my family. I learned that day to believe my gut and to trust my instincts.

 This saga continues to twist and turn even though my Dad has been gone over a year. I am constantly amazed at all of the deceit and greed that is still coming to the surface. It is a reminder once again that no one "deserves" to be happy, you are either happy, or you're not, period, end of story. Everyone "deserves" a shot at happiness, but most times the happiness comes in the form of something simple and unexpected. If you are busy grabbing what you deserve, your happiness may just slip by.

 I have the blessing of a very special memory. I was given my Grandmother's Mink coat after my mom died 2 years ago and I had been keeping the coat hanging in a closet. I would take it out look at it and pet it and return it to the closet. I had no interest in wearing it and being attacked by a member of PETA, so this memory of my Grandma was hidden away.

 I recently met a woman through a friend of mine that makes things for people out of their old clothing and fur coats. I was excited that our paths had crossed because I had hoped that there might be a way to get Grandma's coat out of the closet and share the memory of her with the world. I am delighted that she was able to create for me a beautiful Santa that I will be able to leave to my children to share with their families one day. For me to have this as a beautiful reminder of my love for my Grandma is beyond anything I could have ever deserved. This Santa is a beautiful reminder of my family and it makes me happy.

 Something so beautiful and simple has helped heal a wound and created a positive reflection of love and happiness for my family. This piece of art will be something my children will talk about and share stories about with each other and their families. In time the memory of the "worst" Thanksgiving 2009, will fade but probably never die, because it is a great reminder to our family that happiness is not deserved and it cannot be given to you, you have to create it for yourself. As I stop by and stroke Santa's fur I am reminded of the love I had for my Grandma and the love she had for me. That is a great memory and brings me happiness beyond compare.

Holiday Season

This weekend is our 6^th Annual Progressive Dinner with our friends. We set the date a few years ago for the first Saturday in December to kind of kick off the Holidays. This week you will find that every home involved in the dinner is planning and scurrying to make everything perfect for their guests, including our home.

Last night Mark and I took on the task of decorating the outside of our house so that it looks festive and inviting. There have been a couple of discussions about colored lights versus white lights and I have had to put my foot down about placing our white lighted reindeer anywhere near my porch where I have a lovely holiday display that features colored lights. I tried to explain that I want the eye to flow as it gazes at our home and by adding the reindeer with its white lights, it would ruin the flow. I know Mark thinks I am nuts, but it's the holidays and he expects nothing less.

I love the holidays! I love the lights and the music and the excitement. I love surprising my children on Christmas morning and I LOVE the Christmas stockings. When it comes to the holidays I can feel my heart puff up just like it did for the Grinch when he felt all the love from the Who's in Whoville. There is nothing better than driving around on Christmas Eve with my family looking at the light displays on everyone's homes, which brings me back to why it is so important to me to have the outside of my house bright and cheery.

I am not one of those people who will cover my house with a light blanket or set the lights to flash to music and I also am not a fan of Christmas music before Thanksgiving either, but the day after Thanksgiving, gang way, because I am chomping at the bit to start my holiday engines. My kick off as you may recall is the early morning shopping trip on Black Friday and it just gets bigger and better each day after that.

I was thinking back yesterday and remembering how my Mom would make Christmas so special every year. She just loved the holiday season and she has passed that love on to me. I can think of no greater treasure to pass on to my children then to love the holidays. The real trick would be carrying that same feeling into the rest of our year. That is not an easy task and something that deserves a shot as well.

The next few weeks will be a fever pitch of activities culminating with heading to church on Christmas Eve and then heading home for dinner and our annual drive to check out all the Christmas lights throughout our area, but first we have to get ready for the progressive dinner. One thing is for sure, even though it was 29 degrees and we were freezing our digits off, we ended up doing a pretty nice job on our lights, if I do say so myself. Maybe you will have to drive by and take a look. It is just a simple and understated display, but it is festive and that is what really counts as your guests walk through the door. Welcome to the holiday season!