I’ll Bet Your So Excited!

Aren't you excited? I'll bet you are getting excited? These are questions people have asked as we have made our way through the kitchen remodel project. The truth is I am tense. I am not excited. I feel like I am braced and restrained. I am reigned in and holding my breath until this is all done and then I will be excited and happy.

The funny thing is I notice that I am that way about a lot of things. When my Mom died, I was stoic and restrained. Some might have seen it as uncaring, but I was determined to stay focused and calm until after her memorial and then I could let my guard down and morn in private or at least as private as I could be when I write out loud everyday about everything. Same thing when my Dad died. Sad and somewhat angry, yet I did not feel comfortable sharing that with others. I hugged my sisters, listened to their pain and tried hard to stay out of the way and let my sisters have their time to reflect and grieve. I have slowly and quietly reflected and forgiven without much fanfare.

Now we are dealing with the estate issues that are essentially a giant heap of frustration that my Dad created during his melt down before he died and I still stand cautiously calm. I refuse to be disappointed or excited about the direction this mess may take. There can be no turning back now and whatever the results it will be what it will be and my anxiety about it will do nothing to change its course. Mainly, I hope and pray that my Mom's wishes will be upheld and that the remains of her legacy will be shared as she wished them to be.

Perhaps this cautious attitude comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop when I was younger. I never knew what to expect from my Mom, and I was very use to disappointment. I like to think positively, but it is a cautious optimism that can sometimes come off as distant. So, in response to whether or not I am excited about my kitchen, I will answer no, I am expectant and restrained. I feel confident that my kitchen will be lovely, but I will not be "happy" until my house is back together and my life and my house are my own once again. That alone I am excited for, the rest will come in time.

Is it Spring Yet?

I heard birds chirping last night. Even with a chill in the air the birds are venturing out and making their way to our bird feeder. There is a light hearted lilt in their chirps, like they know that we are just a short time away from a breath of fresh spring air.

 Early Sunday morning we sprang forward one hour on our clocks. This tradition has a habit of zapping even the hardest of souls and making them tired and worn. This is one spring tradition that I believe should include the Monday after as a holiday. Once we spring forward our bodies go haywire trying to figure out what the heck is going on. We spend the entire day tired even though we had the usual amount of sleep. What's that about?

 While snow is not an issue for me I do find that I am becoming more anxious for some warm weather. I want to open some windows and feel a breeze. I am also starting to long for a few moments respite on my deck. I can feel it now, warm sun pouring down on me while I rock in my patio chair. Soon it will not be a day dream, the warm sun will be reality and I plan to bask in it. In the mean time, I continue to dress warm, but in layers just in case we have a sudden heat wave.

 I plan to take my cue from the birds. They seem happy and excited, and that is what I want to be too. Maybe just for a minute today I will open the window for a breath of fresh air and if it doesn't rain like the weather forecasters are calling for, I just might take a walk in the fresh air too. Perhaps this will get me chirping. I guess we are at the point in the year where we start to ask, is it spring yet?

Too Much Togetherness

Our family is beginning to crumble. After over four weeks of our home being torn up and us living in the basement, our wits are at their very end. The hope is that we are in the home stretch, the counter tops come on Wednesday and Mark painted the kitchen over the weekend, so it is just a matter of time until we can put things away and use the entire house to live in.

I was a good sport at first, actually we all were. There was an adventure about having the kitchen in the basement and spending all of our time here together, but the adventure is over and we are now in survival mode. We are desperately trying to stay calm and not come completely unglued when we have very little privacy or alone time. Our lives feel stressed and uncomfortable. I struggle with the feelings I have, because although I already knew how lucky we were, I cannot help the feeling that we are so fortunate compared to the lives that were torn apart in Japan on Friday during the earthquake and subsequent tsunami.
 Perhaps this is an opportunity to think bigger and learn. I am looking outside of my life and myself. Watching the quiet dignity of the Japanese people as they come to terms with what has happened and they begin the process of cleaning up and moving forward, I realize that the chaos that we have here is merely a blip on the screen. We are living in a temporary mess with the end in sight. The people of Japan are not so lucky.

 A few more days of togetherness can be tolerated, as well as a few more meals prepared in a small space and a few more moments of too many people in that same small space. When it is all said and done, we have our lives back to normal and we can move on. The odds are actually good that we will miss this little adventure we have been on. In the mean time though I will reflect on how fortunate we are to be together, and pray that the lives that were torn apart by Mother Nature's wrath will heal in the days, weeks and months to come.

Life is what Happens When You are Making Other Plans

 

Yesterday morning when I woke up, I was excited for the day I had in my mind. The day I envisioned involved a cake and some daisies and some quiet time of reflection about my Mom on her birthday. I climbed on my treadmill as my family started to stir and prepare for school and work; looking forward to my time alone once they all went their separate ways. My plan was foiled moments later when my husband came downstairs pointed his thumb down and said "No school today, we just got the call".

I will not get into the whys of our district calling a snow day, I have given up trying to understand that, but I will say this, I just did not get it, we have had way worse days than this and still had school. On top of the snow day which immediately took my quiet reflective day alone away, came the news of the destruction and tragedy of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Checkmate, game over! Any plans I had were toast and I was faced with making a new reality for my day. Watching the tremendous news coverage of the aftermath of the tragedy in Japan and trying to get my children to focus on their upcoming trips over their schools spring break became the order of the day.

In my mind I thought I was making lemonade out of lemons by suggesting that we head out to shop for the items that they are lacking in their clothing for spring and summer. I did have one caveat, for Avery (who is traveling with her good friend and her family to Florida) I wanted her to go through what she had and see what she really needed with the understanding that I would invest in one new swimsuit for her. Aly on the other hand is going on a mission trip with our church to Florida. The church has advised that the kids bring clothing that can get dirty. The church requested nothing too fancy that you have to worry about keeping nice. This trip is not about dressing to impress, it is about helping by working on homes and reaching out to the community in Orlando. I know what you are thinking, Orlando? But here is the thought. For Aly's first mission trip I did not feel comfortable sending her to Haiti, or India. I felt that many Americans need help and support too and this would give Aly a look outside of how we live. Hopefully giving her an appreciation for the life she has. Anyway, Aly has to bring a one piece swimsuit which sounds easy enough, but Aly's taste and the fashion industries idea of what one piece means, made it pretty tough.

Needless to say, I did not get the day I had hoped for. I verbally tussled with two teenage girls over fashion and appropriateness in clothing and eventually found my way out of the mall tomb. I did stop at a local vegetable and bakery store to choose something cake like in my Mom's honor, but the process seemed rushed. I looked at the daisies and thought to myself, why, and then walked away without them. From there I hurried home from shopping and chopped vegetables for the Shrimp Ettoffee that Mark was going to make for dinner and watched more news about Japan.

Yesterday was not what I had planned, but it was not what millions in Japan had planned either. Our lives twist and turn and rise and fall everyday and we must learn to move along with it. It is said best by an American who was in Japan during the earthquake, "You felt like you were riding a skateboard while on a rollercoaster." Yep, that's life, that is what happens when you are making other plans.

Tsunami

I woke up this morning planning to celebrate my Mom's birthday. March 11, 1937, Mary Elizabeth Frizzell was born; she would have been 74 today. While I still plan to celebrate with my family this evening, my mind and heart is focused on the 8.9 earthquake in Japan and the tsunami that followed. I am braced as I am watching CNN knowing that the tsunami is on its way to Hawaii and eventually the west coast of the United States.

This news has my attention. The pictures of the disaster in Japan are heartbreaking; there are toppled buildings and waves of water pounding Japan. I am now watching the clock as they tell us that the tsunami is only minutes away from Hawaii. While my focus today will be on this disaster, there will be memories that float through my mind of my Mom and my life with her.

 

 

 

Something’s Got to Give!

Yesterday I watched a show on PBS called The Gifts of Imperfection the speaker's name was Brene' Brown. One of the things she shared was that women get caught in a web of unattainable expectations. Her feeling is that women feel the need to handle everything and that we tend to take the hit in our families and do it all rather then look like we are not perfect and do not have it all together. Most women are apparently genetically predisposed to trying to be perfect, or at the very least wanting to be perfect.

 I shiver as I write this because I am one of those women. I am not happy if I cannot juggle all the balls in the air and stand on one leg while I am spinning. I like to think I have evolved passed this, but I know the truth is that I have not. Currently in my life, my kitchen is being remodeled (Yes, still), my daughter is still trying to heal from her surgery, (something that the doctor warned us would take time) while preparing for a lead role in the school play and taking every bloody hard class they offer at the school (hmm, sounds like someone I know). In order to help her heal, I must clean the wound on her tail bone and rebandage it twice a day. In addition, Mark and I are hosting a 6 week bible study in our home one night a week and I just started working on a 5 year strategic planning committee for our school district which is a four month commitment. Included in that, I am still a wife and mother with a house to care for and children that although they are in high school still need my love and attention. Oh, and let us not forget that I still have Aunt Nina on my list to do.

 As I sat in the parent meeting at the high school yesterday, the principal mentioned that he needed help with the teacher appreciation lunch at the high school. I am sure he could sense my weakness as I sat considering whether or not I could help out. He smiled at me and my girlfriend and blinked his pleading eyes and just for a moment I thought "I can do it, I am sure I can" and then I blurted out "No, I am sorry, I just can't I have too many commitments" again I added "sorry". Then as he zeroed in on my friend she shared that she could not help because her car would not be able to hold all the food that would be transported. That's when I jumped in with "Oh, My car could hold it, I could do that" DUH, HELLO did you not just tell him no you knucklehead? Of course, I am sure my friend appreciated me dragging her under the bus I had thrown myself in front of. To make matters worse after the meeting I realized I will be out of town the week of the lunch and I cannot help anyway. I now owe my friend a huge apology for dragging her into this mess when she had no interest in the first place.

 Apparently Brene' Brown is correct, because as I write this today I feel the webbing of my life clinging to me like Saran Wrap. Something has to give and sadly it looks like it will be me. I am going to have to put myself first somewhere, I just do not have a clue when or where this will happen. Let's just say that I am not sitting neatly in the middle of this web, I am literally dangling from a thread!

Who You Calling Old?



The morning of my fortieth...before the trouble!

 Eleven years ago for my fortieth birthday Mark and I and another couple who are good friends of ours went to New Orleans to stay with my parents and celebrate "the big day". We had a wonderful time and enjoyed ourselves immensely. On one of our outings during our visit late one evening, the four of us were walking back from the infamous Bourbon Street laughing and talking. As we were walking a group of what I will call young thugs started calling out to us and yelled something about old lady, or old people and I took offense. I immediately responded to them, yelling, "WHO YOU CALL'IN OLD!" The rest of my group immediately went on high alert warning me to pipe down, but I was ticked and I was not going to tolerate that kind of talk. Fortunately, between the wisdom of the rest of my group and the fact that the young thugs moved on, we made it back to our car safely.

 This incident still gets me ramped up, and here is why. I am 51 years old, I do not feel any different than I did 30 years ago, but society continues to limit how I think of myself by using the word old in reference to my life experience. The word old is tossed around by my friends that are 8 and 9 years younger than me in reference to themselves. They will call themselves old and there I stand thinking "Honey if you're old, what does that make me?" I feel like the word old is used in an inappropriate way when describing people with advanced life experience and training. If it was not for us forward thinking trendsetters a lot of these people would not be striving so hard to call themselves 'Old". Apparently, these 40 nothings want what we highly experienced people have and they think they can have it by joining the Old Club. Here is a news flash for them, if you are joining the Old Club, you missed the boat and you need to go home.

 For years, when you would ask my Mom how she was doing, she would reply "Not bad for an old broad". That response drove me nuts. Perhaps because of that I am even more committed to youthful living. Why lower my life bar, when I can raise it? I will say that, in spite of the fact that I woke up today to an inch long wiry hair growing from the side of my chin. It was a bit of an emotional set back. I spent a good three minutes wondering when that hair grew there and deciding if anyone I sat near at a meeting last night might have witnessed the chink in my life experience armor. I will never know and it is best that I just move on.

I firmly believe that old is an emotion. I am pretty much an expert on emotion since I am practically the engineer of the emotional rollercoaster, that being said I say to all of you who are in advanced life experience, enjoy, and to those who are younger and longing to be in our shoes, "WHO YOU CALL'IN OLD?"