So a little over two years ago I I hit an invisible wall. I pushed away (perhaps ran away) from the person I have always been. I was a person who engaged with others and invited people over, made new friends, volunteered, cleaned my house, grocery shopped, made meals and even exercised. Oh and I wrote a blog. I tried as hard as I could to stay who I was but it only made things worse. I felt bad, sad, mad all the “ad” words and nothing was fixing it.
I dug an internal shelter in my mind and started burying everything I was. I felt bombarded with self loathing, self doubting, and disliked most things I once enjoyed. I was convinced that it was everything, but what IT was. I went to the doctor and didn’t like what they said, so I went to a different doctor who put me on medication and then I became even more of a different person but I convinced myself I was doing much better. It’s medication, it is suppose to fix you, Right?
Over the last couple months, I have stopped all the meds and ramped up my exercise routine. I have started doing things I haven’t done in so long I’m embarrassed. I cleaned my front kitchen window for the first time in two years. Now I find myself openly joyous at how clean my front window is. “Look, everything outside is so sunny and green!” I’m seriously a little nuts about it, but I don’t care. I feel more like myself than I have in years. I will say some of my past issues have returned. I talk to much, my brain goes nonstop and I make friends with strangers. The making friends with strangers is basically locating someone who at the moment who is in a similar situation or contemplating a similar purchase or just some poor soul that crossed my path and can’t escape.
I know what started the downward spiral, but its not important. What’s important is that when it started I couldn’t fight it. I would just lean in to the feelings of bad, sad, and mad and thats where I lived. It became my place to be. Being depressed is not a funny thing. It’s this cold, dark and moldy place that basically claims you as its own. I couldn’t really talk to my friends or family about it because I just could not coup with people sweetly telling me I was going to be ok. I did NOT want pity and I did not want to be treated differently. That last bit is tough, because I was different and a bit weirdly uncomfortable and snarky. There is no way to bring it up that “I” realize I was a HOT MESS. I just plan to move forward with me, who I am, who I like and who knows ME best.
I’m back at this blogging thing and I assure you that you will hear from me at least once a week. The best part is I am GLAD (which is another “ad” word) and that has been missing from my life for too long. Being better doesn’t mean I don’t still have things to work on. I’m still a bit feisty, which may not be a bad thing. I have never been great at sticking up for myself (except with my husband LOL).
Basically my living game is back up and running. It’s been a long road but I don’t regret walking it. It was like walking on a road where the trees block most of the light. Your ok, it is pretty, but it still doesn’t feel ok. All you really want is more light. That’s where I’m at now. Stretching, doing a little upward dog, downward dog and soaking up spring like a sponge. AHHHH, so good to be a little bit more me again.
(Please don’t be shy to comment, hearing from you will motivate me to annoy you with my writing even more.)
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