Swallowed Whole

After a very long break I am ready to get back to sharing my life for anyone willing to read it. I have spent way to long feeling grumpy/sad/depressed and basically a no fun grumbly human being. My friends noticed, I know they did. No one directly asked “What the heck is wrong with you?” But you could tell. I have good people in my life, but usually they are very careful about calling out the person who is bringing the party down. Sometimes calling out the grump ruins your whole time with said grump and everyone else that wants to be there and enjoy themselves.

The hardest part about being in a slump like I had was the fact that some of my friends most certainly took it personally. How could they not? My droopy attitude was not exactly the light in the room. Your people are there having a wonderful friendly time and crab ass is working hard at being invested, but just can’t quite get there because her sad self is focused on how disconnected she has become and how (thanks to the way my mind thinks) no one likes her. Here is the thing...If no one liked me, why would they want to be with me? I don’t have idiots for friends or in my family. Why would anyone intentionally invite you to a party if they don’t like you? It’s not like we are all 12 years old and their Mom made them!

There are a few reasons for why I shut down inside. I know what they are and I have let them go. I realized the best way to fight back the inner ugly me was to remember what made me happy and start doing those things again. My first step was to turn to my writing. Writing is something that heals me. I definitely need to keep healing so you are witness to step one of my road back. You read it here first! 

My second step was working hard to be more connected to my family. I really struggled with my family growing up and leaving home. I of course knew this would happen. That’s what parents shoot for, right? The truth is I selfishly expected them to work hard on being in touch with me and I didn’t think about the two way street. My girls all have busy active lives. To expect them to constantly touch base with me is so unfair. I loved being a Mom and mothering my daughters. They may have wondered at different times in their lives if this was true, but being a Mom is the best job I have ever had. Somehow in my mind when they all grew up, my mind decided it meant I was done. Truth be told, you are never done being a Mom. You just change from Full-time Mom to Part-time. That leaves open time for Mom to try new things and focus on herself for the first time in honestly, decades. Now, I try to call and touch base with each of my 3 daughters as much as possible. Many days one or more will cross my mind and I just send them a text to check in or plan a call for a specific time. That’s life in 2020 catch them when you can!

My third step is to reconnect to the love of my life, my husband, Mark. These last couple years have been very busy and with a grumpy/sad/depressed wife you can imagine how fun I have been. Mark and I both know that it takes two to tango and after some intense talks and honest conversation, the people we were, have started coming back to life. The truth is love changes, but your heart knows love and doesn’t let it go. We love spending time together and doing things together, we just got swallowed up in all the “to do” lists and life’s happenings while we were making other plans and forgot that we need each other as much as we do. It feels good to be able to openly talk about the feelings that I carried around and angrily blamed him for. 

My heart is finally healing and my head is mostly clear. I would say that I am probably 90% better. There is still a little piece of me that lurks on the darker side but those things are not things I can control and I do my best to glance in that direction to keep tabs on things, but not let myself get swallowed whole and revert to Debbie total downer again. It just isn't fun to be sad. It literally brings me to tears just writing that, but its true. No one goes there on purpose. No one wants to be grumpy/sad/depressed. It just slowly grows inside you and one day you realize you have been swallowed whole. If you are swallowed whole, or know of someone that is please talk to them, share your heart, phone a friend or just slowly find your way back. Trust me, you are missed.