The Issue of Weight

Something has been weighing on my mind for some time. If I’m honest I would have to say mainly the last 20 years. After my youngest daughter was born and I knew that I was not having more children, I started focusing on my weight. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing these little bulging pouches on the back of my hips and thinking it reminded me of my Grandma.

Grandma loved her ice cream. She would sit watching television with a half gallon of ice cream in her lap. I think this was before calories were invented and ruined everyone’s lives. I grew up believing that ice cream was a healer. Any problem or circumstance good or bad could be solved with a bowl of ice cream, a sundae or even a float (Vernor’s Floats are the best!). Trouble was while the ice cream was healing it was also growing my back side.

Not long after my appalling discovery of the fat pouches, I went crazy with watching calories, eating low fat and no fat and counting out amounts of food. I was obsessed with “getting healthy” and losing weight. While I was losing this weight I was also losing a bit of my mind. I was getting mad at myself if I cheated or I would eat less than what would satisfy me. I was walking with a friend and exercising as much as I could. I knew I was in trouble when I went to bed one night and cried because I had wanted to eat something but didn’t because I was worried about my weight.

At that point I was essentially anorexic. I knew I did not have a weight problem but now I had a mind problem. I looked in the mirror and nothing was good enough. As I write this I am getting choked up because this image problem plagues me to this day. I blame my weight, but there is really no problem there. The problem is in my head. My friends who love me chastise me and tell me I am fine, but something deep inside me continues to tap me and remind me I’m not good enough.

I struggle with my reality of self versus my emotional vision of self. I know I’m not alone; many of us fight this issue of weight and vision of self. Watching what the media trots out for us to use as a bar for self esteem makes me sad. None of us “normal” people can obtain that “reality”. I mean seriously, Caitlyn Jenner (remember Bruce? Sorry I know your probably tired of hearing about this) is a way better looking 65 year old woman than any of us will probably ever be, but how did that happen? It wasn’t nature!

Remember those old commercials that said “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”? That’s what I feel like I’m doing, wasting my mind worrying about the issue of weight and what I eat and I’m not focusing on my life and the good things that I have going for me. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is very important to be healthy. Working 0ut and eating right is a great way to maintain your physical balance, but I know that mentally I will always have the challenge of what reality is and what my mind tells me. Maybe my telling you what my battle is will help you know that the reality is we all have something that we battle and you are not alone. Also, I am always available if you want to get ice cream.

The Juggler

I have been going out of my mind. I am suppose to release my children and let them grow up, but standing on the outside looking in I can see things that are completely out of my control and I have to bite my tongue. A mother can only shake her head in silence so long before she starts to shake from frustration, wanting to speak and knowing that her words are unwanted.

Here is the problem. Mom’s have the answers…not all the time, but, many times. We have been through much more than our children give us credited for. We look like obsolete old fossils, but I promise you, at least this Mom has been around the block a couple times and the way of the world has not changed much. We actually know things…good things…important life information things, but if I dare speak out I get the out stretched hand with a loud “MOM STOP”. My favorite (not really) is the smirk that says “Oh yeah, isn’t she cute when she tries to parent?”

I’m very frustrated with how each one of my children takes a turn at dismissing my thoughts and feelings as if they are an intrusion. Seriously, mothering is like juggling, your hands are out trying to balance life, family and varying personalities in the hope that you won’t let anyone down or drop a ball. You think you’re going strong and then one of the balls turns into a curve ball and the juggling act is over and you are smack dab in the middle of a “situation” that you may or may not have mentioned  could become a “situation”. That’s when I say an audible AGH and silently continue with a scream in my head and clinch my teeth until they hurt. This might explain the beginnings of jowls I noticed this morning.

The fact that this stress is affecting my physical being is quite disturbing. I’m really too young for jowls and I am certainly not ready to lose my mind. Although thinking this all the way through, being out of my mind might actually relieve me of the stress. For now I have to step back and watch as things go uncomfortably wrong and hope that somewhere in those children of mine are the tools to make the needed repairs. While all that is happening I’ll be over here with a smirk on my face thinking “Aren’t they cute when they think they know so much more than me?”