Full MOON

The last couple of nights the moon has been full, a giant glowing orb standing guard in the sky. When the moon is full I notice that I as well as others have a change in mood and spirit. I am no longer able to brush off uncomfortable feelings. My temper seems shorter and my interest in pretty much anything is reduced to grumbling.

This morning I decided to do some reading about the full moon and behavior. There are many schools of thought and all of them are very scientificy (just made that word up). Basically I learned nothing because even the smart people that read Scientific American could not agree on if people really react to a full moon at all and if they believed that they did, they had varying reasons why. I basically just read the article and the first couple pages of 60 pages of comments and decided that if these smart people cannot figure it out or even agree, then I am not going to be able to do any better.

Mainly I am certain that I notice a difference in how I feel during a full moon and a significant increase in wackadoodle drivers on the road, which leads me to belief there is some validity to the hypothesis. Although I am using a couple of fancy words, do not be fooled…I know nothing! It’s just a feeling and honestly a woman’s intuition can out way a scientific hypothesis any day. You are just going to have to trust me on this, those short tempers and bad moods those are not coming out of nowhere so you had best prepare yourself for the day people. Do your very best to stay calm…use your deep breathing and above all pack your patience, because somebody somewhere is probably going to get on your nerves today. Just remember they just cannot help themselves, it’s the moons fault!

Happiness is a Root Canal

After all the build up and worry, yesterday I had my root canal. I am about to say something crazy but…it wasn't that bad! I think the fact that I thought it would be way worse than it was, actually made it better. I did however pop in my ear buds and listen to some quiet classical music to help keep me calm and oh yeah, I had nitrous oxide which kept me from leaping out of the dental chair. Many factors went into making what I feared less dramatic than I expected and a happy side note, now that they have cleared out the infection in my root, I feel much better than I have in days!

I think sometimes expectation can make or break an event. Expecting a surprise and not getting one can definitely break and event. I remember once believing that Mark was going to surprise me, I think it was a birthday. I had it all built up in my head, thinking everything he did was leading to a surprise and when the time came and went and nothing happened my heart was broken, all that time and energy that I spent getting excited about being surprised and then nothing.

It is nice to know that sometimes when you expect something and the opposite happens, it is actually a good thing. Yesterday I thought for sure I was going to be wiped out today, trying to recover. Boy was I wrong! I am a little tired, but I am feeling much better than I have in a week or so. Feeling better coupled with the fact that yesterday’s dental appointment went better than expected plus hearing birds singing outside, makes for a great day and I intend to enjoy it. I hope you enjoy today to!

Connected

I am connected. I have an IPhone, IPad and a notebook computer. I also have a home phone, a desk top computer and two televisions 3 if you count our old 15 inch television with the VCR in it that we use to plug into our car for our girls when we would travel. I believe that that small little television is what has fueled the connection fever. Not just for our family, but for family’s everywhere.

What started as a convenience to keep our families entertained while we traveled has now become a lust for us to be continuously entertained. Don’t get me wrong, I am not standing here in judgment of anyone, since I am never without some form of connection. I am more just trying to understand where we will go from here. I recently read that a family had decided to shut off their televisions for a month and at first I had admiration for their endeavor until I realized that that plan would never work here, we are just too connected.

 If I suggested to my family that we disconnect I would be setting all of us up for failure. Now it is not just the television that is disconnecting the family units it is the cell phones, Ieverythings, onboard DVD players in vehicles, computers of every shape and size and of course Netflix. Anyone in our family could be connected all alone in their room and no one would ever know. The world has become more informed than ever before about so many things, yet in the end I wonder if we are becoming less connected with each other. We are losing touch with what really matters, while we pursue information about things that do not.

I am connected and I hope to stay as connected as possible, but I am not willing to lose connection with my family and friends. While I cannot make my friends put their phones away, I am thinking of getting a docking station for my family’s electronics, some place where our technology can rest while we connect and recharge with each other.  What started as a little entertainment to keep the kids quiet during our travels has grown even larger than we ever expected. It is time to show technology who is boss and reclaim my family’s steering wheel. So I am curious, how connected are you?

Too Tired

Today I am tired. Actually tired seems to be what I am a lot lately. While I am trying to heal from 2 various issues that require antibiotic, I can feel my body’s unwillingness to get back to normal. The hard part is that I have too much to do to give up to the tired and not enough energy to do what has to be done with any gusto. Over all I am working hard to keep going. Laundry and dinner do not take care of themselves and errands are better taken care of then put off.

In addition to the run down feeling is the fact that my brain cannot think which makes writing even more difficult. All I keep thinking is how tired I am and then I mentally slap myself telling myself to focus…but it is just not working people! At this point it is best if I just call it a day and try to get back at it tomorrow.

Think Fast

My daughter was running late this morning. Last night was the first night of her high school play she is in and she was up late. Her excitement and adrenaline were over flowing and I am assuming that falling asleep was no easy task. As my daughter was flying down the hall to the kitchen she called out that she needed money for a class field trip and it was due today. Actually what she said was “Mom, you know that field trip I told you about, well your gonna be mad, but the money is due today!” The “told” part was that she mentioned it at dinner a week ago and had no information to make a decision on.

Now I have made a lot of decisions on the fly and many times regretted it so my instinct was to ask more questions. “Where is the permission slip?” “When is it?” “How will you get there?” Many of her responses were “I don’t know”. Call me crazy, but I really do not want to hand money to someone that does not have all the facts! As I told her that my feeling was that the lack of information made me think it was not going to happen, suddenly she was shoving the information and permission slip under my nose. This information that she gave me made me even less interested in letting her go, that partnered with the fact that she told me “I really don’t want to go, but I don’t want to miss out”.

Here is what the trip entailed; Avery’s American Sign Language class was going to sign the National Anthem at a major league baseball game at our stadium in our downtown area. Here are the pieces I did not like…

·         I was to pay $18.00 dollars for her ticket to the game

·         The game is a night game on a Monday night 

(a school night as my husband pointed out to her)

·         The kids have to drive themselves 

(note: I am certain this would also involve paying to park)

I was not completely on board with the whole thing, but the last item was the stopper. Maybe I am over protective, but I really do not want my daughter navigating the inner city streets at night to go sign the National Anthem and for this honor she pays for her ticket and parking? I totally understand that she does not want to miss out, but I have forced some situations to fit when I was not sure I wanted to be there for the sake of “not missing out” and I can tell you that I usually kicked myself for forcing the issue and wasting my time.

My daughter did not give me a hard time for my decision. I think she knew that my patience was thin after having all of this information shoved at me with very little time for thought or discussion. I also know that with everything else we have going on I am very comfortable not handing her more money. Actually, I did mention she might want to look for a job, more because I am not fond of playing fire engine with my wallet every time she remembers she needs money. As my daughter left this morning she seemed alright with my decision and although I did pause for a moment and wonder if I was doing the right thing, I stood my ground and sent her on her way without my permission or my money.

Deserving Happiness

After my Mom died in 2009 my Dad took up with the woman that had been her caregiver, actually he took up with the caregiver before she died which is a whole other painful story. Our family was torn apart by his irrational choices and his pain over losing my Mom turned into anger towards me and my sisters. Within months he had turned away from his family, upset that we were not honoring his desire to be “happy”. He would constantly ask all of us “Don’t I deserve to be happy?” This question of deserving is a very fair question, but happiness really was not ours to give, it is ours to find.

I now believe that his anxiety and frustration during his search for happiness was caused by a lack of understanding of what happiness really is. Happiness is not something that I or anyone else can hand you. Happiness does not come from new belongings or new jobs and it is not something you deserve, happiness is a way of life, a belief that life is good and that our gift of living is a blessing. Happiness will never be something that is bestowed on you by another it will always be your gift to yourself.

There are way too many days in my life that I have let pass feeling unhappy and disappointed and pointing blame at others or circumstances. Watching my Dad fight for a happiness he felt so strongly he deserved and him never actually finding it has helped me realize how transient happiness can be when you are waiting for it to be given to you. I now know that happiness is many times the smallest moment unseen by many. An unexpected kindness or comment or a smile from a stranger can suddenly remind your brain to smile and be happy. Happiness can be a family dinner or a celebration and sometimes happiness is sitting in your favorite chair with a good book and plenty of time to read it. Basically happiness is in the eye of the beholder, it is different for each of us.

Sadly my Dad died a few short months after asking us if he deserved to be happy. While we all told him we believed he did deserve to be happy, he never did find his true happiness. I always wonder if he was just trying too hard, maybe his happiness was actually sitting around the table with him listening to him hysterically claim his right to happiness when his biggest joys and accomplishments were staring back at him blinking back tears of sadness. I agreed with him that day that he should be happy, but his or anyone’s happiness should not come at the cost of another’s happiness. I also think if you are open and aware, happiness will find you and meet you right where you are.

Slow and Steady

Just for fun, my body has decided to give me a hard time. I have been on an antibiotic for one issue that has not cleared up and today I am heading back to the doctor to be rechecked and I am certain I will be put back on another antibiotic. Yesterday I went to the dentist for my 6 month check and cleaning. While I was there I pointed out to the hygienist that I had this weird bump on my upper gum that had seemed to be better since my first round of antibiotic for the other (previously mentioned) issue. “Hmm” said the nice hygienist (who was obviously concerned but trying not to alarm me) “I think I will take an x-ray after your cleaning”, so as she cleaned my teeth I tried to maintain my concern level and not get worked up over possibly nothing.

Once the cleaning was complete the dentist came in and poked around what I had decided by now was no big deal…I was wrong! I have some sort of abscess that is actually attacking the root of one of my tooth. So this means that I will need a root canal which I am not thrilled about at all! My other concern is that I am completely frustrated at this apparent attack by my body. There are many things that could be wrong with me and realistically this is all small and easily cared for by taking a few more antibiotics for these competing infections and a root canal which I am definitely not looking forward to. All I can do is try to take it easy (never an easy task for a busy Mom) and approach each day with a slow and steady attitude. While my body would like me to stop, I just cannot do that right now.  

My plan today is to go to the doctor, run my errands (which include trying to fill my house with enough food to keep my family going) and then rest. Any Mom worth her salt knows that there is no real time off. Your Mom brain continues making lists when you are sleeping so it certainly is not going to shut down just because you are under attack by infection. Perhaps if I get moving I can knock out all of today’s “Have too” items and get back to resting and slowly and steadily get back to good health.

Enjoy the Ride

It is time once again to start thinking college tours. My youngest is speeding through her junior year and in less than three months we will be thinking about college, touring colleges, senior pictures and more. It is hard to believe we are here again. I just safely tucked my middle daughter in at her college and in a few weeks she will be returning home for the summer. As life marches forward I realize that as long as things keep moving forward, we are in a good place. I can stand back and wish things would slow down or I can just hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

I like being on this moving life target. Although much of my life right now is on a spinning wheel of should and have to, it’s a good life filled with events big and small that are continuous opportunities to wrap my arms around the ones I love and share their joy and sorrow. As these youngest children of mine grow, I think I am finally getting the idea of appreciating the time I have with them while I can. When my middle daughter was born my oldest was all ready 10, almost 11 and while her life had been my sole focus up to that point, I had to learn to add another love extension cord and then when my youngest came along I once again had to pull out another love extension cord. You would think that your love and your time would thin out, but it does not.

Somehow your love seems to refill and refresh. Your children no matter how big or small rejuvenate your love for them every day. I can go to bed exasperated and wake to a beautiful smile and hug from my children and suddenly my heart and strength are back better than ever. At this point in our lives together my children need as much from me as they did when they were little. Now however my help is more emotional than physical, the diapers and toys have faded away. I am in charge of propping them up and cheering them on and letting these young women know that sometimes what feels like falling down is really just growing up.

As I prepare for this new round of college tours and a home filled with two maturing girls, I know that although time feels like it is flying by it is really just circling around, like a good Merry-go-round should. I encourage you to jump on board, it feels bumpy at first, but once you get the hang of it, you just have to enjoy the ride.

WWW

I have spent a good part of this morning poking around the World Wide Web. I have planned a family trip for this summer, looked at possible diagnoses for someone’s symptoms, I have checked the weather, checked email and Facebook. I am completely connected to everything. I am in the know. Now I sit here wondering, why do I need to know so much?

On the one hand knowing every detail about everything is very handy. I can be my own doctor, learn how to repair a small computer problem and even see an aerial view of my house (that’s pretty cool). On the other hand I tend to spend way too much time staring into this computer screen and less time interacting with real people. I am happy just getting a casual overview of others lives by viewing their casual quips on Facebook, why bother with one on one contact, when you can stalk quietly out of view. I can say positively what is happening with someone I know without the benefit of a conversation. Actually the computer, IPhone and IPad are literally sucking all my time right out of me. I will say to myself “just one quick game of _______(fill in the blank)” and in no time at all, the electrical device of choice is running low on battery. There is quick access to any information I wish, but once I connect I cannot disconnect. I am really trying to limit my connection time to the Web, games and other social media locations but I am failing miserably.

How did any of us ever survive with only the television and telephone to connect us to the world? Seriously, I do not think there is any such thing as a secret anymore! The hard part is I sound all high and mighty, but I am guilty. I am guilty of living my life wrapped tightly to the information highway and although I protest, I really do not care. As a matter of fact I have an email to write and a Facebook message to answer and these things do not write themselves, at least not on my electronics. Perhaps on my next upgrade...anyway once you are in the know you cannot help but stay in the know, it’s a very comfortable place to be. I skipped a bunch of phone calls, went straight to the web and found a place to stay for our family trip this summer. Now I am going to check my email and see what the holdup is with some legal stuff and then pop over to Facebook and write a friend back. Hopefully if I finish all that quick enough I will allow myself a quick game of euchre on the computer. Did you laugh when you read “a quick game of Euchre?” I know I laughed when I wrote it. So, perhaps one day you and I will bump into each other as we surf the web. Be sure to text me “Hi” if you see me.

Perceptions

Someone shared another person’s comment with me recently that has me thinking a lot about perceptions. While this person meant well by sharing a thought someone else had about my family, it hit me hard. The comment was not unkind, but in the context of our conversation I realized that someone was judging their own family life and using my family as their bar. My family being the high bar and theirs well…

Here is the thing, my family is my family. We have our trials and we have our triumphs. An outsider looking in may not see all the cracks in our facade, but they are there. Basically we are not perfect and we all know it. There is a lot of pressure for everyone when you hold someone up as better than you. My personality is such that when I heard that someone felt less than because of my family I wanted to call them and throw out my laundry list of what is broken and needs to be fixed in my families lives. The truth is we are all broken none of us is perfect. Honestly wasn't that Gods plan?

How will we ever learn about others without the brokenness? How will we ever learn about empathy and compassion if we do not face the truths in all of our lives? There is only one perfect one and he died so we could live. Our broken pieces and our imperfections are what make each of us unique and special. While I cannot help but be flattered by the perception someone has of my family, it is important to know that it is not the truth. We are just as broken here as everyone else is. Our family has trials and sadness, we make mistakes and we say and do things we wish we had not but in the end we are a family of people learning how to be better people, just like you.

Perceptions are tricky so you have to be careful, because when you judge what you see, you are only getting one view. There is more to each of us than meets the eye and by setting your bar at another’s level, you just might be cheating yourself. God has a plan for each of us. He puts things in front of us that are unique to who we are, things, events and people that will hopefully make us better people and in the end the lessons are different for each of us. At some point we have all looked at someone and believed them better than ourselves. Isn’t it nice to know that they really are not, that they are faced everyday with their own set of challenges and their own bars to meet? It makes being kind and understanding to others a lot easier when you know that they are just as broken and vulnerable as you are.

No Accidents

It is a strong belief of mine that everything happens for a reason, there are no accidents, only life happening just the way it is suppose to whether we like it or not. I share this with you because this morning as I was writing what I thought was a pretty darn good blog, my computer spontaneously shut down to perform a Windows update without any warning at all. When this has happened to me before I have been able to restart the computer and locate my file which the computer wisely saved for me…not this morning, nope! This morning my almost completed blog was snatched into cyber space and no amount of cussing or teeth grinding is bringing it back.

I have to assume that what I was writing is best left floating out there and not on paper, or computer. I do not have the energy to try to recreate the flow I was on as I was writing what I thought was an awesome blog. Since everything happens for a reason, the way it is suppose to, I am going to let it go and move on. I can only hope that tomorrow new Pulitzer Prize winning writing pours from my finger tips and the cyber Gods deem it worthy of saving. For now, I am walking away frustrated and disappointed. It might not have been an accident, but it was definitely a punch to the gut and I need some time to get over it!

Some Moments Really Matter

This morning we woke up to a slippery inch of snow. It was expected, but I think all of us assumed it would be no big deal. We were wrong. That light layer of snow had the slightest bit of ice underneath and it has caused a lot of accidents and stress for many, including me, as I sent my family off for the day. 

Interesting to me though that what seemed like no big deal really was. Honestly, how often do things happen in our lives that at the time seem insignificant but later after reflection turn out to be more important than we realize. So often in our lives we are so busy being busy that we lose sight of the moments that really matter.

There are the quiet moments when you are sitting with someone you love just talking about your lives or the person with the full grocery cart that turns to you and says "That's all you have? Why don't you go ahead of me?" The day you run into someone you had been thinking about and had not seen in a while or a compliment that was unexpected but badly needed on a not so great day.

There are so many subtle moments that if we took the time could change our day or maybe even our life and they are all out there happening every single day. I feel challenged today to take a closer look at the tough stuff, the clouds if you will, and look for the silver linings. This slippery snow while difficult for driving is beautiful when the sun reflects off of it. I am feeling a bit cozy as I write because my dog (Roxanne) is curled up next to me, this makes me feel warm and loved which makes me feel loving in return. Some moments really matter.

Early Morning Wake-up Call

Happily sleeping, eyes closed and BAM I wake up. This has been the pattern for over a week now. Some nights it is at 2:00AM or 3:00AM and others nights it is twice starting perhaps at 11:00PM and then again at 2:00AM or 3:00AM. Wide awake with my mind racing through random life lists, things I have to do or things that I would like to do. Regardless of what it is that wakes me returning to sleep is allusive.

I am not sure why this is happening, but I do know that I am tired! I am also frustrated, and I know that I am not alone. Sleeping is the one thing that we all need and it holds much power over our lives. We are either hoping not to fall asleep or we are hoping to fall asleep depending on the circumstance and the hard part is that unless you want to take something to help you fall asleep, the whole process is up to your body. I am very happy with my body being in charge of my sleep as long as it follows appropriate normal sleep protocol, which in my mind requires us to each sleep at least seven or eight hours straight.

Part of me believes that because I carry lists of tasks in my head that I am awakened by either sudden additions or subtractions that subconsciously make their way into my sleep. Last night it was suddenly important that I list out what needed to be accomplished so that we could prepare Mark's current car to be handed down to our middle daughter and to fine tune the details of the pick up process of his new car. Now let me ask you this…why do I care at 3:00AM? What kind of crazy control freak am I?

I am very tired of the early morning wake up calls. Tired being the operative word here, as I am slogging through each day hoping to accomplish all the tasks on my list…you know, the lists I make in the wee hours of each morning? Today, I have my lists prepared, but zero actual motivation to accomplish anything. The trick today and everyday for the time being will be to make my way through my list while staying awake. No naps or resting allowed and no caffeine, nothing to encourage this bad sleeping behavior. I need my sleep back and these early morning wake up calls to end!!

Back on the Wagon

Back on the wagon this morning, the writing wagon that is. It is easy to get comfortable not having a set schedule and not having to rush to write so that you can accomplish your day's agenda. While part of me looks forward to writing, it is a big commitment, and some days like the last few it is not even possible. The other piece of the writing puzzle is how one day you can have words pour out your fingertips onto the page and then the next day or even a string of days you cannot even put two words together.

While I am back on the wagon today, my brain still is not running on full steam ahead. I find myself longing to be entertaining and interesting and instead I just feel boring and tired. There really is no hope for me today, I am not feeling well and trying to get back to "normal" is pretty tough.

The best I have today is that I started up my computer, went to the right section and wrote a few words. Although the writing is subpar, it is writing and I am just happy to have made the attempt to pull it together. Perhaps if I am feeling better tomorrow I will try again, but do not get your hopes up, I have a feeling it is going to take a little longer then that to climb n the wagon and stay on.