Letting Go Again

Well, the deed is done, last night I paid my first tuition bill in over ten years. Having a ten year difference between my oldest and middle daughter has always been a challenge. Back when Aly was born I had a tough time readjusting to the diapers and late night feedings actually most of the baby firsts were tougher the second time around 10 years later. Now I am faced with letting go and giving my daughters health and well being to a college three hours away all over again and I am finding that it is tougher the second time around.

The first time I sent my oldest to college I found that having my two youngest still at home kept me occupied and focused. This time around I am pretty sure my youngest is not going to appreciate me remaining focused completely on her. Somehow instead of just letting go of one daughter, I am going to have to let go of two. This is not to say that I will be hands off with my youngest, but I will be aware that she does not need me as much as she did when she six.

We are five days away from move in day and there are last minute items to purchase so that transition to college will be somewhat seamless. I find that Aly is packing as if she is going across country on a wagon train, never to see civilization again. As much as I explain to her that there are stores near her campus, she is determined to have a large quantity of everything with her when she arrives for move in. I am certain that some of these things will end up in my car heading back home.

In the end it comes down to letting go and trusting that my hands on full out mother phase is coming to an end and the guiding and suggestion phase is beginning…I am as shocked as you that I could say that with a straight face. Obviously, I am far too much of a Mom to give this all up cold turkey and there will be a good amount of hit and miss action before I find my comfort zone with my daughters new life.

While I will be less hands on I cannot give up who I am without a fight. Letting go does not mean STOPPING, it means gradually releasing and that is what I intend to do. Mothering is and has been my favorite career. I cannot say that I am good at it, but I like it and I try hard to do well. These are traits you look for in a good employee.

I am not being fired from mothering, I am just phasing into a slow retirement. Obviously since one daughter has moved back home retirement will not be on a near horizon, but we are two years away from our youngest heading off to college and I have a feeling that the time is going to fly.

In no time at all I will be quietly sitting on my deck and not hearing the floor creak with the footsteps of my children. I will have the clean house to myself and things will be put away where they belong. That’s when I will have let go. For now, I guess I can over look a few messes and noise. Someday soon this will all just be a memory. The second time around is just as tough as the first when you are letting go and something tells me that with the third one it is not going to get any easier.