Back but Not Better

It was around Wednesday last week that I finally gave out. I even wrote a horrible whiny blog that fortunately I did not post. Honestly, we all have bad days and sick days, why would you want to read about mine. I knew I was sick, but because I had an annual physical scheduled for Thursday, I figured I would wait and not have to pay the doctor twice. Great plan except for the fact that I was miserable and getting worse the longer I waited…I did save money though. That’s my “there is an upside to everything” side coming out.

Last week I just kept going, kind of like that bunny on TV that keeps going and going except that I was more hunched over and less energetic then the TV bunny. As I would write I would know it was a waste of time, but I felt like I needed to get the word out that I was not a blogging dirt back that draws you in and then stops writing for weeks on end. I mean let’s face it, we are kind of like family now…well almost, the kind of family where you know everything about me and I have no idea who you are. Okay, that just sounds weird and creepy, but it is no big deal we both know it is like that and we are fine with it…right?

So…the doctor…my annual physical part went well and my I feel like crap visit reminded me that sometimes waiting to see the doctor is just a bad idea. I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and a double ear infection which explained why I did not feel good, it was because I WAS SICK! Seriously we woman are the worst! We are sick, we know we are sick and we still keep going. Someone in my family is sick and I’m fluffing pillows, making tea and taking temperatures, covering them with blankets…you know the drill.

The weekend was a bit busy, but I tried to take it as easy as I could. I want to be better and stay better. I am taking my medicine the way it is prescribed and getting lots of rest, well except for this morning when my body decided it had slept enough at 4:00AM, AGH! Hopefully I will get back on my writing band wagon and not leave “y’all hangin” again. Just for the record, some days I do have dry spells where I sit down to write and nothing floats into my brain except my “TO DO” list. Those days I just have to pack up my computer and call it a day. There have probably been a few times when you have read my blog and wished that I had made that decision…come on, you know you have! For the record, I am back, but not quite 100% better yet, but I am getting there. There is that “UP side” again!

Cranky

Just yesterday I was yammering on and on about the cranky clerk that set me off a few days ago. I was upset with her rudeness and unnecessary roughness with me while I was shopping in her store. Today I am forced to confess that I have been a total crabby pants for a few days.

It is embarrassing…I should have the decency to clean up my own bad attitude before I talk about someone else’s bad attitude but I did not. Actually it has become so bad that my hubby just laughs, he does not even bother to become offended. Apparently it is hilarious to him that I have become a ranting, cranky person. I have no explanation for this irritability it has me stumped.

Maybe it has something to do with fall. I am a bit of a nocturnal being and this weather makes me climb in my PJ’s earlier and go to bed much earlier as well. All I know is that my crankiness is starting to bug me too. I do not want to be around myself let alone share this affronting attitude with others. If it is not, then I am carrying around some issue, which I need to resolve and somehow I have to figure out what it is. I have a few ideas and I will take some time today to give myself some time to step out of these crabby pants. Being cranky is exhausting; it drags you down and makes you tired, most of all I am trying to avoid people so that I don’t send them spiraling into their cranky pants too. One thought did just come to me though, would it be bad for me to head to that store and spread some crabby on that cranky clerk? OH I KNOW THAT IS WRONG! This is what crabby does to me people!

If You Know Better, You do Better

Recently I went to a small store to purchase a few things for myself. This store is a large chain store but the store its self is small. I went into the store hoping to find what I needed and not spend a fortune. I roamed around picked out what I wanted and then saw some items that had old sale tags on them. I am the person that loves a sale, so I asked the clerk if I could get the sale price. This clerk did not respond in a nice way at all. The clerk was downright rude and if I had not wanted my items so badly, I would have dropped everything I had in my arms and walked out.

This one person set the tone for my entire day. Now I know I should not let this one person take charge of my day like that, but she was a formidable angry lady and she dented my personal armor enough that I was emotionally wounded. After I left the store, I sat in my car for a few minutes trying to regroup and reminded myself she was the one with the problem. Even so, I carried that wound the entire day.

It is sometimes those moments that we learn how we can affect other people. Those moments when a single person can take your day and twist it into a knot merely by barking at you about something that means nothing in the grand scheme of things. That lesson about how we affect others is loud and clear when we are hit head on by it.

Although I saw the lesson and was hit hard by the event, there are times when I know I do the same to others. I want to stop myself, but the words tumble out before I can snatch them back or my attitude is already turned up to crabby and one little thing sets me off. I strike out and like a line of dominoes my strike spreads from my day to others days, some of whom I probably do not even know.

I would like to tell you that I will never spread frustration or anger again, but odds are good I will. I can tell you that if you know better, you do better, so I will work hard not to be the angry person that sends others days spiraling. I will also try not to let bullies take charge of my well being and ruin an entire day. Today would be a good day to spread some kind words and perhaps smile as I go about running errands. Who knows, maybe my smile could turn someone else’s day around. One day soon though I am going back to that store and smiling at the clerk that ruined my day…just because it will help me feel vindicated. “There, take that you crabby lady you!”

Organizing and Letting Go

Recently we have spent a lot of time and money redoing several things in our home that had gone untouched since we bought the home 17 years ago. We have always kept up with fresh paint and décor but some of the major work that was needed was just not on the list because we were raising three girls and money was limited. Now that we are perking up and fixing up, I am stumbling across items that I have kept for sentimental reasons and I have pulled out of drawers and closets, lots of “important” papers. Now I am faced with what to do with all of these things.

The papers seem like a no brainer, shred them and move on, but there are so many that I think a bonfire is in order. Then I find myself worrying that I will shred something important and will not realize it was important until I need it. AGH, it is not easy being in this brain of mine! The sentimental items are another story. I do not want to just drop them at Salvation Army or Purple Heart, some of these items were things my Mom saved and now I wonder “are these valuable”? These reasons for hanging onto things have trapped me in a pit of frustration.

I am tired of moving all of these things from one place to another and it is time to bite the bullet…but my brain stops me. My brain says things like “are you sure?” or “maybe keep it until spring and have a garage sale”. My favorite reason is that I am too overwhelmed with all the papers and then with dramatic attitude I shove them back into the drawer or closet they were in and pray I don’t die, because then my kids would be stuck figuring this all out and odds are good these same stupid papers or sentimental items would become monkeys on their backs too.

The madness must end with me. This hanging on to things issue is deep rooted and I need to break the cycle. Actually I might build a fire in my backyard today and toss a few papers in. It will help me feel like I have moved forward. As far as the sentimental items go, I may have to think about that some. Perhaps an antique store could tell me if I am hanging on to these things for no reason…hmmm, that’s not a bad idea.

It is nice to have things replaced and refreshed, but it is even better to dig the junk out and get rid of it. It is time to release the rest of the past that I have been harboring here including all the old insurance papers and the weird exercise/cellulite thingy that was my Grandma’s. I have moved these things from place to place long enough it is time to organize and let it all go!

Giving Away My Power

I have been obsessed lately with my neighbors. This obsession comes from the fact that they are really not neighborly at all and tend to be bullies. The husband of this bully family stopped my husband as he was mowing our yard recently and told him he was not allowed to mow around a berm we built between our two yards. He does not want us on “his property”. To be clear we are only on the property to mow around the berm to keep it tidy. We have not set up lawn chairs over there or sent our dogs to go potty over there. It has literally just been us mowing around the berm.

These neighbors lack the ability to approach people in a nice wayand let them know what is on their minds. There is always some verbal assault that happens, that gets you all ticked off and then they walk away, leaving you feeling like you have been attacked. My husband did not get all riled up after this recent assault, he just told the big bully to get a survey of his property and then went on his way. I on the other hand was not even present for this altercation and I am still up in arms over it.  

First of all, seriously…we are mowing the lawn. Second of all why the constant attacks? I was obsessing about the whole thing so much that I decided to call the neighbors on the other side of the bullies to see if it was just us. You guessed it; they are bullies to them too! What the heck? What is the matter with these people?

A few years ago there was an altercation with them that sent me hiding in my house most of the summer. I allowed their inability to interact with others to steal my joy and my personal power. I cowered inside, fought depression and basically let the bullies win. I obviously lost. After this recent event, I have found myself tumbling down that mountain again. My family is saying all the things you say to someone when you know they are bordering on crazy, but this is a fight I have to win on my own. I cannot give away my power to a bunch of bullies. It has gone on long enough.

My husband did the right thing, he did not react or fight back, he just said, you will have to get some facts and then come back and talk to me. Bam! I know that I need to let it go and let karma do its work. There are just people in the world that do not play well with others and unfortunately these neighbors are some of those people. I want my personal power to remain intact and the best way to make that happen is to move on. Easier said than done, but obsessing over these people will continue to give them control over me and that is just not okay. Today I resolve to release this and move on. I want to focus on things that really matter.

Frustrations

Yesterday my youngest daughter was sharing with me a frustration she was having with something at school. In a moment of parental wisdom, I decided to share with her that “life will always be filled with frustration, so you might as well work through it and move on”. This golden nugget was not well received; my wisdom actually sent my daughter running to the couch with her arms over her head.

In general she feels it is good practice to avoid things that make her uncomfortable and my moment of cold blooded wisdom and reality had her shrieking that I should “stop making her feel worse”. Honestly my intention had been to let her know that if the item that was frustrating her now had her crumbling, she was probably going to be in a world of hurt one day. Frustrations are a big part of everyday life, if you let every little thing bring you to your knees, you will never walk up right again.

It is hard for someone so young to understand what real frustration and disappointment are. My daughter has not had to face any real hardships in her life so far and while I am happy for that, I also want to make sure that when the time comes (and it will) she is prepared to deal with hardship, stress, disappointment or all of the above. No use pussy footing around now, there are life lessons to teach our children and I would prefer the lesson come from me now instead of from the School of Hard Knocks later.

Eventually, my daughter unwound her arms from her head and grudgingly listened to me. I do not believe she is fully invested in my theory, but I did plant a seed. Perhaps one day when the time is right that seed will sprout and help her through what life dishes up. In the mean time I may need to polish my parenting act up a bit, it would be nice if next time I want to share some of my wisdom I can at least keep my audience from running out of the room.

Empty Spot

When I was a little girl sometimes at the dinner table I would say I was full and could not eat any more. My Granddaddy would call me over to him poke me in the tummy and say “I feel an empty spot” and send me back to my seat for another few bites of food. While most of the time this was just a game we would play, other times it was difficult to eat another bite. I would just sit in my seat at the table staring at my foe, this plate of food, and it starred back at me. There was nothing I could do I had no appetite left, but I had to try to eat more.

Last week, my writing felt a little like that. I would sit down stare at my computer and it would stare back, I would tell myself to give it another try and…nothing. My brain was empty. I kept poking my brain telling myself to think, think, think but nothing would happen, except for pure frustration and huge disappointment. Perhaps I was experiencing what some writers call “writers block” or a “dry spell”. I am really not sure. All I know is that at some point even with sincere effort, nothing you do will put you where you or someone else wants you to be.

After an hour of poking your brain you just have to stop, throw up your hands and say “I give!” No amount of negative brow beating will make you feel hungry or creative. You have tried your best and nothing has happened so move on. I am hoping that this week my writing goes more smoothly. I am not anticipating any problems and since my Granddaddy is gone, I have no one to give me a poke and say “I feel a creative spot”. I am on my own to figure out whether or not my brain is full or empty.