Day 252 The Perfect Mom Project

I sit here praying my Dad will release himself into God's hands. We received a call at about 3:00 AM; the pneumonia has spread into my Dad's bloodstream. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain he has been in. I want to reach out to my sisters, but I know that right now they are focused on my Dad. All we can do now is wait.

 I told my youngest girls yesterday that their Papa was going to leave us soon, and they began to cry. It has been a difficult year for all of us having lost my Mom last year on May 22. We have been in life's blender for almost a year now and it does not seem that it is going to stop anytime soon. I have to be prepared for what might come in the next few hours. I also need to prepare for my youngest daughters 14^th birthday tomorrow. We have invited Mark's parents to come for dinner and help us celebrate Avery's birthday. I am glad they will be there to help keep us focused on the positive.

 I remember when my mom died, the very next day I had to go to the grocery store. I remember feeling like I should stop each person there and tell them that my Mom had died. It felt like the whole world should know what happened. It just seemed so wrong and inappropriate that I was grocery shopping, and yet life had to go on. I have to give Avery the birthday that she has been looking forward to. There is a cake to bake and gifts to wrap and a life to encourage and celebrate, and all while we wait for my Dad to be wrapped in Gods arms and carried home.

 God's gift will be to keep going, to begin the work of mourning and remembering. We will look back and laugh and cry at past memories and begin the process of healing all over again. The hurt and sadness of all the wrongs will need to be set aside. But for now I will pray for my Dad to reach out and take God's hand.

Day 251 The Perfect Mom Project

My Dad is in the hospital, he has pneumonia. My youngest sister called yesterday to give me this news and to let me know she was on her way down there. She left last night. I sit here with a pile of thoughts turning over and over in my head. The main thought is; I can't go. It no longer matters why, because it is so complicated. No matter which way I turn I am caught up in a reason. Some are emotional and some are practical, and they are all hovering over me like a large storm cloud.

Yesterday morning, my sister called and said that I should call Dad as soon as possible and tell him I love him. She told me not to think about it or worry about it, just do it, so I did. His voice was quiet and shaky. He was disoriented. He was not the big scary man that I have been frustrated with and angry with for all these years. He was just a very sick man who was dying and it made me sad.

There is no way to change any of the things that have happened these last few months. There is no time to fix what is broken between me and my Dad. My sister just called a few minutes ago to tell me that he will not make it out of the hospital. They have put him on morphine and they will increase it until he slips into coma and eventually dies. She thinks he will pass in the next day or two. The storm cloud continues to hover as I wonder if I am hurting my sisters even more by not being there. Will they now be angry and hurt by me? Will this ever end?

Day 250 The Perfect Mom Project

My day yesterday was a day of emotional confusion. I had many conversations with my youngest sister as she struggled with wanting to see my Dad before he dies. She feels like she needs to talk with him and clear her name. She is worried that he will pass away, and she will not be able to take back the things she said at our family meeting in November. You might remember that he pulled her aside when she went there for his birthday (March) and told her how disappointed in her he was for speaking up and saying how hurt and concerned she was at the meeting. Now she is struggling with the guilt of his disappointment, and she wants to make it right.

My heart is breaking for her. I had hoped I could go with her to see him and support her, but Avery's birthday is Monday and then Avery leaves Thursday for her school trip to Chicago. I cannot leave my daughter right now. The other piece is that I am so angry that he attacked her for speaking her mind. She will have this guilt for the rest of her life. I cannot help but wonder why he would want to do that to his children when he knows he is dying. Another issue that I mentioned to my sister is that it is very close to the anniversary of my Mom's death and it is hard enough dealing with that, let alone being down there with him and his new wife in what was my Mom's house.

I have battled with myself, thinking that I should go because that is the right thing to do, but the truth is, I know I am the last person he would want to see. My sisters have also told me that he was going to have words with me about my "behavior" at the November meeting and although I am certain at this point he is not thinking about that, I do not want any terse words to be my last memory, I already have enough bad ones. I know that if he said anything to me, I would be likely to tell him that I said what was in my heart and I was there to represent my Mom who could no longer speak for herself. Since he was busy taking care of himself and making sure he was happy, why he would be surprised that anyone else would want to do that is crazy.

As I write this I am having this surge of anger at him for making my sister feel guilty for speaking up. How dare he hurt her like that? She was opening her heart and sharing how hurt and sad she was and instead of gathering her up and holding her and reassuring her that she was still loved and valued, he smacked her down and made her fell like her feelings did not count, and now she will have to live with that the rest of her life. How will she ever overcome that? How will she ever feel like she has worth, and that her feelings matter? I am so sad for her and for all of us, because these are wounds that will not heal. All of his children will carry scars from him forever. What sadness he is leaving. It is not just sadness for him as much as it is hurt and hard feelings he is leaving behind. I have seen this in books and movies, but I never realized until the last year that it happens in real life too.

I will be praying today for God to take him peacefully from his physical pain. I pray that if my sister goes to him that my Dads heart will have turned and he will give her comfort. I pray that even though I am not there he will know that despite our troubles, he is the only Dad I have ever had; he was part of my life and my children's lives. There seems to be no good way for this all to end. I keep thinking that it is like an earthquake and we are going to continue to feel the aftershocks for months to come.

Day 249 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday was a doozie! I went to see aunt Nina and took her the dress that Aly and I had picked out for her and had dry cleaned. As I walked in she asked me what I had, and when I told her, she said "I'm not wearing that!" "OK, why not?" I asked her. "Because, I am wearing my black pants and top" she said. I stared at her for a few seconds and then I said. "Alright, that's your decision, but if you do not want to wear it, then I will give it to someone else here that might want it." I was annoyed, but not surprised. If it is not her idea, she is automatically against it. I sat there making small talk with her trying hard not to act annoyed, when she says to me "I told Nancy, she and Craig could use my house for a card party they are having." "What?" "I am not sure that is a good idea Aunt Nina, how are they going to get in to the house?" I said this knowing that either Mark or I or her aide/companion Anna would have to trot over there to let them in. The other interesting piece is that Nancy is Aunt Nina's ex-son-in-law's girlfriend. She has been visiting my aunt several days a week, and my aunt goes on and on about what a good friend she is.

My Aunt has a stove that the only thing that is working on it is one burner. There are piles and piles of all of her personal papers with account numbers etc. all over them on two different tables and no one has been staying at the house since last August. The house is not in good condition at all. The reason they want to use her house is that Craig has been remodeling his house for the last 12 years (not exaggerating), and they do not have a working kitchen or any place to entertain. All I saw was red flags. It's her house and she can do what she wants, but she did not even like me looking through her stuff, and she has know me my whole life, now this person has assured her she will go in and tidy everything up and I am ticked! It just happened that Nancy called my cell phone yesterday to find out if my Aunt was feeling OK, because she was not answering her phone, so when I called her back, I assured her that my Aunt was fine, and then I mentioned that this idea of a party at my Aunts house made me very nervous.

I am not sure how all this will turn out; and I really do not care if I make my Aunt mad, because I am trying to protect her. I mean who does that? Granted my Aunt offered it up, but why would this woman except? My Aunt says she trusts Nancy and she is not worried about it, but there are a lot of things that could happen. What if someone gets hurt at her house, what if someone takes something, what if, what if, what if? I am hoping that my comment to this "friend" on the phone will at least let her know that not everyone is on board with this. If she has any sense at all and truly does care about my Aunt she will then back off of this crazy scheme.

As I was leaving my visit with my Aunt, my cell phone rang. It was my sister calling to tell me that she was on her way with her husband, to New Orleans to see my Dad. He is refusing certain medications now and he is in a lot of pain. He wants to see my sister to discuss the final preparations for the estate etc. All I could do was cry. I do not like all of his choices in the last few months, but I am very sad for the horrible painful way he is dying. Cancer is literally eating him alive. All I could think of was that my Mom died last year on May 22^nd, and I wondered if she was standing there at heaven's gate waiting for him? I also find it ironic that he is so close to death around the same time that she passed. I am not sure what will happen next, but I have braced myself for the hurt and sadness that is bound to come in the next few weeks.

Day 248 The Perfect Mom Project

One question…why when it is a morning when I can sleep in, is it the morning that my family hits the snooze, walks and talks the loudest and turns up the radio? Wednesday mornings are my sleep in morning, and for whatever reason either my own body wakes up anyway, or there is some kind of commotion going on that wakes me up. I guess I should just get up, and stop kidding myself that I can sleep in on Wednesday mornings.

 I am off to visit Aunt Nina today; it has been a week since I have visited with her. Apparently she is not feeling well, she has been coughing and she has a slight fever. I have called the new community where she is living and left three messages inquiring on her, and no one has called me back. Now I am annoyed, it seems like this move has been good for Aunt Nina so far, but if I cannot get feedback on how she is doing, we are going to have a problem. I cannot get there as often as I would like, because of distance and time, so I count on them to keep me updated. Hopefully, I can speak with someone today and get this straightened out.

 I am also going to take Aunt Nina a Prom dress, yes, I said Prom dress. Tomorrow night is their Senior Prom at the community she is living in, and I found a very pretty dress at the Salvation Army and took it to the cleaners. I hope that she will not flip out about me bringing her something to wear. I just want to help make the event special for her. After all those months sitting in that boring nursing home, I want to help her have a little fun.

Just to make my day even more special, today I am having a Mammogram. I have not had one in a couple years, so it is way past time. Last year, I did not have a lot of time, with flying back and forth to see my Mom, and then her Memorial service. So it is time to make sure I am in proper working order. I seem to be fairly awake, despite my restless morning, so I plan to make it a good day. Even with a Mammogram I can make it a good day if I try hard enough, so that's what I will do. Wish me luck!

Day 247 The Perfect Mom Project

If I can get my fifteen year old through drivers training and she actually gets a license it will be a miracle! She will be driving along doing quite well and I will point something out to her and she loses it one minute and then another time she is fine. Now I am gun shy. Maybe that is part of her plan.

 She seems to be driving fairly well, but she does tend to pick up speed at random times and when it comes to pulling into our garage, I never know who is driving, it could be Jekyll, or it could be Hyde. One day I can mention that she needs to adjust the car before she pulls in or back up and try again. Yesterday, I said to her "If Dad's car had been here you would have hit it" her response was "Well his car is not there!" then she proceeded to tell me that she cannot drive with me. Really? Because you are no peach yourself sister! Look, if I could I would let Mark handle all of the driving, but I am here with her more than he is and I can offer her a lot more driving time. The big picture is that I want her to drive, I want her to be able to spread her wings, and most importantly I want her to be able to drive herself places.

 I admit it, I want her to grow up and have a life of her own. Maybe I am not the best driving partner for her, but at this point beggars should not be choosers. Either you want your license, or you want mom to drive you everywhere, or worse yet, your younger sister who in about nine months will start drivers training too. OK, that just hit me. My youngest will start drivers training in nine months, how crazy is that? Maybe she will be more receptive to my instruction. I will not even get my hopes up, however she has been in the car during many of Aly's training drives so, with any luck she may have picked up a few things. I sure hope so, because I am not sure I can go through this again.

 I do remember when Ashleigh was learning to drive, as we drove down our street I would be flinching and yelling "mailbox, mailBOX, MAILBOX!" as I saw my life flashing before my eyes. She has actually turned out to be a good driver and I am no longer frightened to ride with her, so I know there is hope for the other two. I guess I will just have to be better about packing my patience when I step into the car with my trainee. However, I think we will have to have a chat about who pays the bills and who butters her bread so she understands two things, first of all, I am the person that she needs right now and second, you do not want to make me mad. You think I am hard to drive with now?

Day 246 The Perfect Mom Project

I really do not want to start my perfect mom project over, but I do feel like in the last two weeks I undid a lot of the progress I had made. So here I am trying to get back up to speed with my project and Avery tells me that while she was using my DS game she misplaced a piece that goes with the game. Hmmn, is it possible that perhaps I am being tested for some reason? As I try to explain to Avery why I might be annoyed that she misplaced a part of my game, she becomes aggravated with me. I see myself sliding down the slippery slope of imperfect mothering all over again. Is it really that unreasonable that I would be annoyed that she lost a part of my game? I don't think so, but she begs to differ. Fortunately during this verbal tousle the piece is found and we can move on to more important things to annoy her about, like taking a bottle of water to school with her.

 I have to keep reminding myself that no one is truly perfect and that the hardest part of being a mom is realizing that we are people too and that imperfection is a human condition. I spend way too much time looking at other moms and comparing myself to them. By doing this, I have learned some good things that I have added to my mothering line up, and I have also learned some things that I will definitely avoid. While I hope that I am someday recognized for trying my best to be a good mom if not a perfect one, I realize that right now my youngest children swing back and forth like a pendulum on when I am good at mothering and when they consider me bad and wish they could move out.

 I guess all I can do is keep plugging away at this Mom thing and hopefully when all is said and done I will have three finished products that I am proud of. The side note to that is that I also hope that they are proud of me too. Time will tell if this all works out, but no one will be able to accuse me of not trying. Actually, my Mom use to tell me I was very trying…whatever!

Todays photo is of me making waffles for my family