Giving Away My Power

I have been obsessed lately with my neighbors. This obsession comes from the fact that they are really not neighborly at all and tend to be bullies. The husband of this bully family stopped my husband as he was mowing our yard recently and told him he was not allowed to mow around a berm we built between our two yards. He does not want us on “his property”. To be clear we are only on the property to mow around the berm to keep it tidy. We have not set up lawn chairs over there or sent our dogs to go potty over there. It has literally just been us mowing around the berm.

These neighbors lack the ability to approach people in a nice wayand let them know what is on their minds. There is always some verbal assault that happens, that gets you all ticked off and then they walk away, leaving you feeling like you have been attacked. My husband did not get all riled up after this recent assault, he just told the big bully to get a survey of his property and then went on his way. I on the other hand was not even present for this altercation and I am still up in arms over it.  

First of all, seriously…we are mowing the lawn. Second of all why the constant attacks? I was obsessing about the whole thing so much that I decided to call the neighbors on the other side of the bullies to see if it was just us. You guessed it; they are bullies to them too! What the heck? What is the matter with these people?

A few years ago there was an altercation with them that sent me hiding in my house most of the summer. I allowed their inability to interact with others to steal my joy and my personal power. I cowered inside, fought depression and basically let the bullies win. I obviously lost. After this recent event, I have found myself tumbling down that mountain again. My family is saying all the things you say to someone when you know they are bordering on crazy, but this is a fight I have to win on my own. I cannot give away my power to a bunch of bullies. It has gone on long enough.

My husband did the right thing, he did not react or fight back, he just said, you will have to get some facts and then come back and talk to me. Bam! I know that I need to let it go and let karma do its work. There are just people in the world that do not play well with others and unfortunately these neighbors are some of those people. I want my personal power to remain intact and the best way to make that happen is to move on. Easier said than done, but obsessing over these people will continue to give them control over me and that is just not okay. Today I resolve to release this and move on. I want to focus on things that really matter.

Frustrations

Yesterday my youngest daughter was sharing with me a frustration she was having with something at school. In a moment of parental wisdom, I decided to share with her that “life will always be filled with frustration, so you might as well work through it and move on”. This golden nugget was not well received; my wisdom actually sent my daughter running to the couch with her arms over her head.

In general she feels it is good practice to avoid things that make her uncomfortable and my moment of cold blooded wisdom and reality had her shrieking that I should “stop making her feel worse”. Honestly my intention had been to let her know that if the item that was frustrating her now had her crumbling, she was probably going to be in a world of hurt one day. Frustrations are a big part of everyday life, if you let every little thing bring you to your knees, you will never walk up right again.

It is hard for someone so young to understand what real frustration and disappointment are. My daughter has not had to face any real hardships in her life so far and while I am happy for that, I also want to make sure that when the time comes (and it will) she is prepared to deal with hardship, stress, disappointment or all of the above. No use pussy footing around now, there are life lessons to teach our children and I would prefer the lesson come from me now instead of from the School of Hard Knocks later.

Eventually, my daughter unwound her arms from her head and grudgingly listened to me. I do not believe she is fully invested in my theory, but I did plant a seed. Perhaps one day when the time is right that seed will sprout and help her through what life dishes up. In the mean time I may need to polish my parenting act up a bit, it would be nice if next time I want to share some of my wisdom I can at least keep my audience from running out of the room.

Empty Spot

When I was a little girl sometimes at the dinner table I would say I was full and could not eat any more. My Granddaddy would call me over to him poke me in the tummy and say “I feel an empty spot” and send me back to my seat for another few bites of food. While most of the time this was just a game we would play, other times it was difficult to eat another bite. I would just sit in my seat at the table staring at my foe, this plate of food, and it starred back at me. There was nothing I could do I had no appetite left, but I had to try to eat more.

Last week, my writing felt a little like that. I would sit down stare at my computer and it would stare back, I would tell myself to give it another try and…nothing. My brain was empty. I kept poking my brain telling myself to think, think, think but nothing would happen, except for pure frustration and huge disappointment. Perhaps I was experiencing what some writers call “writers block” or a “dry spell”. I am really not sure. All I know is that at some point even with sincere effort, nothing you do will put you where you or someone else wants you to be.

After an hour of poking your brain you just have to stop, throw up your hands and say “I give!” No amount of negative brow beating will make you feel hungry or creative. You have tried your best and nothing has happened so move on. I am hoping that this week my writing goes more smoothly. I am not anticipating any problems and since my Granddaddy is gone, I have no one to give me a poke and say “I feel a creative spot”. I am on my own to figure out whether or not my brain is full or empty. 

Conferences

Last night I went to Parent/Teacher conferences at my daughter’s high school. During conferences we are able to speak to the people that interact and influence our children when they are not with us during the day, hear about how they are doing and where they might need support. As I stood in line after line waiting to speak to each teacher I thought about how nice it would be to have conferences for other people in my life, like my husband or my friends.

Sometimes in our relationships we become set in a routine or rut and we lose focus on who people really are. We make assumptions about our relationships based on old feelings or interactions and we have a hard time letting those assumptions go. Perhaps if we had someone to conference with, we could open a new door in our relationships and see our loved ones in a new way or even support them through a rough spot. I would stand in line for that.

The Parent/Teacher conferences have helped me learn how my daughter is doing in school and I feel confident she will have a great year. Now I need to spend a little time listening more to my husband and others in my life. I do not have the luxury of a teacher to guide me, but if I ask questions and listen I may get all the information I need. 

Washer and Dryer

As I write this morning I am listening to the sound of the washer and dryer working away. The continuous cycle of wearing, washing and drying clothes has me wishing for a nude day. Seriously, where do all these clothes come from? What is worse is that most of the laundry I do belongs to my husband and me. I proclaimed years ago that once my children entered middle school their laundry was their responsibility, so other than pinch hitting for my children and doing their laundry when they are extremely busy with school activities the laundry cycle is my own.

Shirts, pants, socks and underwear never stop. Clothes are not optional in our society so unless I take up wearing paper clothing, or wrapping myself in paper towel I am going to be sorting, washing, drying, folding and putting away laundry. Normally the laundry does not antagonize me that much but I am a bundle of stress energy right now that makes me easily annoyed and unpleasant. Add to this stress energy the fact that we have been living in our basement this week while we have our wood floors redone and you have a border line loony bird on your hands.

I frankly do not know how the pioneers did it living in those little cabins and even worse, they did their laundry in creeks or boiled their clothes over a fire. I guess when I look at things that way, I have it pretty good. I am just feeling like my two dogs, two cats, husband (who works from home too) and last daughter left at home will be very glad when we can split up a little. Our togetherness is starting to make us all grouchy and nutty.

I would blather on more about all of this if I was not faced with a load of towels to fold and a washer full of darks that want a turn at tumbling around. In the end these are all good problems to have. Although my family has never been willing to try out my nude day idea, I have been able to get all my laundry done and the fact that right now I do not have to run up and down the stairs to do it is a nice bonus too. You see, not so bad right? Well, I should go these towels are not going to fold themselves.

Letting Go to Grow

I flew to Connecticut last Thursday to visit my oldest daughter who has just moved there for work. It was a great trip. My daughter loves her new home state and she was a wonderful tour guide, showing me the beauty of the area and all of the places that she has discovered in the last 12 weeks or so since she moved there. While I am happy she has found a place that she loves and she is happy, it was hard to let go of her when I hugged her goodbye at the airport.

It does not matter how often I release my children into the world, first play date, first day of school, first day of college and first time moving out of state for work, I worry about them. Will others realize how wonderful and valuable they are? Will they be treated with the love and care they deserve? Most of all I wonder if I will be less needed as they become part of the world and not just part of our home and family.

My view on my flight to Connecticut

Parenting is actually a catch and release program that allows us the ability to eventually share our treasured children with the world. This last weekend I learned that my oldest still needs my hugs and she still needs the loving affirmations that only a Mom can give. I also learned that this big world cannot take away the roots of a family and their love for each other. Lastly, I learned that as hard as it is, you have to let the children go and grow, in order for them to reap the full benefits of our hard work of parenting. It was hard to leave my daughter, but I left proud and assured that she will make it in this great big world.

My view on my flight home

Stuffing Your Feelings

Years ago…many years ago actually, I was taught that holding feelings inside is an unproductive and unhealthy thing to do. When I was learning about this it was called “stuffing your feelings”. I would often visualize a limp stuffed animal when it was called stuffing your feelings and I would mentally stuff the animal with all the feelings I kept inside

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Anyone that knows me would tell you that I do not have a problem with stuffing my feelings any longer. I am generally an up front and honest person. I do not wish to hurt or upset anyone, but I say what I need to say in the best way I can…until now. Lately I have become a powder keg. I know that the fact that I am in the middle of many things at once is attributing to this, but I also know that there are other factors that have pushed my feelings down, instead of out. As I talked with my sister over the weekend, I was lamenting being so “busy” and her response was “Everybody is busy!” She is right and that slap of reality snapped me into sorting through all my stuffing to see what I could deal with and let go of. Honestly nobody is going to sit back and say “WOW, you are busy” when every single one of us is hustling back and forth every day.

This powder keg of feelings I have created inside myself is an atomic mixture of my own creation and I am the only one that can single out each little piece and look it over and deal with it. I have decided to speak up and pull the stuffing out. I realize that inside each little ball of fluffy tension and stress there is a piece of responsibility that I must own. Things that I feel others are “doing to me” or have done are part of a response to something I am doing or have done. If I want these things to stop, I must change what I am doing too. I cannot complain about being busy when I continue to put myself in that position. I also cannot be annoyed or complain about a relationship when I walk into it knowing that the other person is not going to change. People only change when they want to change.

Ideally I hope that my speaking my truth will encourage my relationships and my realities to alter. If nothing else I have to stop stuffing this mental teddy bear, his seams are at the bursting point and honestly so are mine. So if you will excuse me, I have a fluffy little mental teddy bear that I need to beat the stuffing out of!