Tick Tick Tick

I have an announcement to make, I HAVE COMPLETED MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING! Phew, what a relief to finally be done. In the process I took back almost all the items on a 16 inch long receipt from a stop on Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) and I fussed and worried about every detail. Will it be liked? Is it cute? Is it too much money or is it too cheap? In the end it is all just a roll of the dice and you do the best you can. You just have to trust your gut and let it go.

Time is running out, there are still meals to prepare for, which require another trip (or two) to the grocery and I as I sit here smugly announcing that I am done shopping, I realize I have a whole section of my list that has been forgotten. AGH, I will be back at it today to finalize the last little bit of shopping I forgot and it will probably be smart of me to just keep my trap shut about whether I am done or not until the final gift has been opened!

I have not been as organized with my lists this year. With last minute tax items in Aunt Nina's estate that I was taking care of, the ongoing nonsense with my Mom's estate and of course Mark being laid off last Friday, my mind has not been fully on the Christmas game. I am working hard to pull it together in the final stretch, but all I keep hearing is Tick, Tick, Tick!

I hope that I can finish the wrapping that I have tonight and start focusing on the grocery portion of the holiday. We are planning to entertain a couple times over the holiday and our oldest Ashleigh is heading home tomorrow night, so having food in the house will be a high priority. There are our homemade cinnamon rolls to make for Christmas morning and dinner before church on Christmas Eve, the Christmas day snacks and the friends from New York who are here visiting family that are coming to our house on Monday. This year instead of the traditional trip we make to their families home they are coming here and we are very excited.

Odds are good that no one will go hungry here and no one is going to go without a holiday gift. Everyone will have a wonderful holiday and in the end all the last minute running around will be worth it. Today the clock says tick, tick, tick but Christmas morning is not far off now and I am looking forward to a nice relaxing day with no agenda other than enjoying time with my husband and kids. The biggest thing I must remember is to not over think any of this, just breath in and out and remain calm…yeah, that's it…CALM…TICK, TICK, TICK!

 

You’re Not Alone

It is like a dream, you are in a dark endless hallway hoping to reach the end. No light and no sound except for you breathing and the fall of your feet on the floor. Your heart is pounding, your mind is racing and your fear is rising, yet you continue to walk thinking that if you just keep moving you will get to the light and you will be OK. The only thing is the hallway is really just a tough place your life has taken you and the darkness is actually the thoughts you are thinking and the untruths that you believe about yourself.

Know this, you're not alone. This darkness is not quantified, you cannot decide your darkness is less than another's and you cannot assume that it is more. It is your darkness and the pain is your pain and at the same time the walk is yours to make. Regardless the path is worn from the many that have walked in similar shoes.

Still, you're not alone. Those that love you cannot walk the path with you. It is your trial and you must move through it to move past it, but we are there with love in our hearts. Sometimes you cannot see us and sometimes you will think we do not care, but the only way to shed this darkness and move past this is to go it alone. The person that emerges in the end will be like a phoenix and a force to be reckoned with. I already see signs of the fiery feathers bursting forth and they are beautiful to behold.

Think of the joy when this time of darkness passes (and it will). Think of the lessons you have learned, both about yourself and about people. Believe that you are more than what this time has led you to believe about yourself and never and (I mean this) NEVER think you're alone.

You are in a dark endless hallway but you will come out of it. You have the power and in the words of Glenda the good witch from The Wizard of Oz "You have always had the power". Your heart is pounding, your mind is racing and your fear is rising, but this energy will propel you forward. Believe you are strong, believe that you are loved and know without a doubt you are not alone.

Holiday Senses

Sense of smell: Cinnamon, fresh pine, cookies baking, cold, clear fresh air

Sense of calm: intermittent

Sense of joy: See above

Sense of humor: The ability to laugh at myself and others keeps me going

Sense of sight: Christmas decorations, dusting of snow, looking at gifts to be wrapped, one beautiful star in the sky

Sense of warmth: Cozy fires, cuddly hugs, warm coffee or cider

Sense of love: Time with friends and family, cards from unexpected places, memories of the past

Sense of time: Time? Who has that?

Sense of wonder: Unlimited

A New Chapter

Today is my husband Mark's last day of work with the company he has worked for the last thirteen years. Quite honestly neither of us is worried or upset. We have put our concerns in God's hands and we know we are safe there. We have never been the type of people to worry about what might happen. We tend to think that our lives will all play out the way they should and that in the end we will be fine.

Mark has been on several interviews and it helps that his field of expertise is in strong demand right now. It also helps that we made the choice to leave the company rather than uproot our family and move to another state with his division. We looked at all of the options and felt that leaving the company was the best one for us. We have not wavered from that belief and we have not wavered in our feeling that this change is good for all of us.

New things bring new knowledge. Living life the same way everyday would be similar to living out your own personal Ground Hog day each and every day. Having this change helps us appreciate our lives and the blessings that we have perhaps taken for granted lately. Life goes on, it may not be in the same familiar pattern that we have grown accustomed to, but it continues and so will we.

Today a new chapter begins for my husband and our family. We expect there will be some bumps along the way, but that is life and that is what makes the story even more interesting. The job interviews continue the children prepare for their winter break that starts next week and Santa's helper (Me) has gained another elf (Mark) for this holiday. Life goes on, and aren't we lucky it does?

The Gift

On Monday I met for coffee with my friends from the Newsletter Mom's group (or the NLMS as we call ourselves now). You may recall this is a group of ladies I became friends with when my girls were in middle school. We would gather in a conference room and label and package the monthly school newsletter. In addition to the newsletter we would share stories and laugh and talk and sometimes cry together. All of these women are wonderful and I am blessed to call each one a friend.

Recently one of the women in our group went to Ecuador on a mission trip. She has gone every year that I can remember and each time comes back with amazing stories of the gifts that she shares with the people there and the joy it brings her. This year she was sharing how amazing it was to see the joy simple things brought to the children. Her mission each year has been to provide a small Christmas to many of the children there. There are usually about three thousand people that receive small gifts that the volunteers pack in their luggage and then package in small bags for the children. My friend shared with us how touched she was to see a small girl pull two colorful markers out of her small bag and with a huge smile hug them to her as if she had been given her life's fondest wish. As we chatted she also shared how her church had packaged up shoe boxes filled with small items that were sent out through the Shoebox Project and how these small gifts make a child feel special during the holiday season.

As my friend spoke, I thought back to the Christmas when I was just 10 years old. My Mom and I arrived home from a late Christmas Eve church service and as we walked up the stairs to our apartment we found a box addressed to me. Once inside I opened the box and discovered a lovely red skirt and jacket that had been handmade just for me by the daughter of a friend of my Mom's. Also inside this box was one of those Lifesaver Christmas boxes that looks like a book. I do not remember what else might have been inside the box, but to this day I remember how special I felt. I wore that outfit whenever I had the chance and each time I wore it I felt like I was stepping out of the pages of a fashion magazine.

As the Christmas holiday draws closer I realize that it is the little things that matter the most. The traditions that we love as a family and the time we spend together. The gifts are less and less important as my children get older. Each year it seems more difficult to get a list of things my children need or want. I realize how fortunate they are and I am grateful that they live a life that provides well for them. I also know that within that good fortune is a responsibility to give.

Hearing the stories my friend shared and remembering the story from my childhood keeps me focused on what is most important. It is easy to lose sight when you are scrambling to make everything special for your family that the real gift is that we have everything we need, we have each other and we are healthy. The gifts to each other are like a layer of frosting on a cake, it makes it even more delicious, but it is not absolutely necessary. This year as I make treats and gifts, I am pouring myself into them hoping that maybe they will bring a little unexpected joy to someone special. To me the giving is the better part of the gift and from the stories my friend tells about how full her heart is I suspect she feels the same way, but there is a small child in Ecuador that is smiling ear to ear today as she hugs her color markers that feels she got the better end of the deal.

A very worn school picture of me
in my beloved red suit the following Fall 1971

Over Achiever?

Yesterday a dear friend of mine accused me of being an over achiever because I made music note shaped sugar cookies for my daughter's choir class and caramel corn for the staff at the doctor's office. Hmm…could she be right? Why did I do that? Well I think I might know the reason and it came to me last night as I stood in my kitchen melting chocolate for another hair brained scheme. I like baking. I also like making treats that make people smile.

 This might explain why when I found a recipe for a vanilla and brown sugar body scrub I got excited. I know I could give this lovely gift to friends who would not appreciate a giant tub of caramel corn. This item is another reason to bring a smile to someone's face and it also will not add a pound to their body.

 Perhaps the excitement I feel when I give a gift does not make me so much an over achiever as it makes me someone who loves to give. I know years ago my brother-in-law was mocking me on Christmas because I had given a gift of a manicure and lunch to a sister-in-law. He commented that I always gave gifts where I reaped the benefit too. The truth was and still is that I love giving a gift that allows me to spend time with the person and if I cannot spend time with them I can at least give them something that I took the time to craft lovingly for them. I think it is fun to do and it brings joy to me and the gift receiver. To me this is win/win for all.
 As I spent last night dipping marshmallows in chocolate and crushed candy canes for hot cocoa and unwrapping dozens of chocolate candies to insert in the center of round pretzels to add another dimension to the choir cookie tray I sang along to Christmas carols and smiled. This was fun to me and quite honestly it was making me feel that holiday spirit I was searching for yesterday. If this means I am over achieving I can see it, but it is not for the actual desire of achieving as much as it is finding my joyful sweet (ironic) spot that allows me to ride the holiday wave into the New Year.

 My mind is racing with even more wonderful treat ideas, I still have homemade peanut butter cups to make and hot cocoa krispie treats to prepare and since I emptied the bowl of caramel corn into a package for the doctor's office, I can see another batch of that caramel goodness on the horizon as well. This elf has no time to waste today, there is cleaning to do and treats to make and somewhere in this day I must shower, make dinner and possibly wrap some presents. Maybe I am not so much an over achiever as I am someone who just likes to keep busy? That is something to think about as I toss on my Santa hat, turn on the Christmas tunes and get going.

Holiday Spirit



Santa Roxanne




Santa Louis













I suppose that all of the shopping and baking I did this weekend should have me in the holiday spirit, but honestly I am not. I loved the shopping because I went out with Avery my youngest. We had a great morning and enjoyed our time together. As for the baking, I did that on my own yesterday and as always I enjoyed it immensely.

 On my baking menu yesterday was sugar cookies and caramel corn. I started with the caramel corn. This sounds like a lot of work, but is actually very easy to make. Tomorrow is hopefully our last visit to Aly's doctor about her Pilonidal Cyst on her tailbone. We decided last month that we would take caramel corn to the staff at the doctor's office this month, since we have been visiting them for over a year now. We just wanted to do something to say thank you to everyone there for being so nice and caring so much about Aly. So the caramel corn is done, but I am sure I will be whipping up at least one more batch since it is so delicious.

 As for the sugar cookies, I made a trip out last week and found a music note cookie cutter. The girls are in the Choral at school and their Christmas concert is Wednesday. The choir director has cookie day the day after each concert, on this day the students munch on cookies while they discuss what went well at the concert and what they need to work on. I decided it would be fun to make some sugar cookies in the shape of music notes for the girls to take in on Thursday. I have not had a chance to frost the cookies yet, I was thinking I would wait until tomorrow to complete that task so that the cookies will be yummy and fresh. Once they are frosted I will take a photo of them. Honestly when it comes to cookie decorating I am not that great. I slap on some colored frosting and throw them on a plate but most people are like me and will devour anything with frosting so I am not worried about how attractive they are.

As for the holiday spirit, it comes and goes. Right now it is mostly gone. I have made no real list this year, so perhaps that is what is making the shopping unexciting. I also am not use to roaming around trying to figure out what to purchase for people. It feels so frustrating wondering from place to place hoping for inspiration and never having any. My only hope is that in the next few days I will have a burst of enthusiasm that will carry me over the gift buying threshold like a wave carries a surfer to shore, just one big Holiday wave with a curl that slowly unfurls me on the shore of Christmas Eve.

 In the mean time I look for those special things like the laughter of my girls or the smell of holiday goodies baking, the candles burning with their glow casting calming shadows or the light of the moon bright and strong in the cold night. One thing is certain, the holiday is coming whether I am in the spirit or not, so I best just pull it together and make the best of it.