Turning Up the Heat

It is HOT outside, steamy, sticky, HOT! I did not notice the heat to much yesterday as I was in my Aunt's dirty, damp basement for five hours going over pile after pile of papers. The one upside is that I did find the title for my Aunt's car. This has been a quest of ours for the last three weeks. I was just randomly going through a very small pile of receipts that were shoved in a basket inside of another basket and I found the envelope marked "car title" YA WHO!!

Today I will head back to the house once again with Pam and Anna to assist me in hopefully cleaning out the remainder of papers. I have at least twenty hours of paper searches under my belt and 7 full paper boxes plus fifteen of those hours were with the help of two other people and we are still fighting to get control of the paper situation. One thing I know for sure is that when I am done at my Aunt's house, I am going to be slowly reevaluating my own record keeping here. I am certain I am not as out of control as my Aunt and Uncle were, but it is always good to check yourself.

My intention is to get this hard work done in the next few days. Aly's second surgery is next Thursday and the girl's last day of school is Friday. I want to be home so that Aly can spend the few days before surgery having some fun, which means that my car has to be at the ready here at home. This car situation is a whole other ball of wax; we are going to have to look for a car to add to the family transit system. I am sharing my vehicle way too much these days. So heat be damned, I have to get it together and get the heck out of here.

Bone Tired

Nothing prepares you for the nights when you wake up and cannot get back to sleep. Last night was one of those nights for me. I have so much swirling around in my head right now it makes it tough to rest at all. When I do sleep I am dreaming relentless dreams that border on nightmares. I just have too much either going on having gone on, or gonna go on to even rest my weary head. I am in a race with myself and I am losing.

I am off to my Aunt Nina's again today. Once again paper sorting throughout the house. I hope that in the next couple of days I can finish up the sorting and be done with this phase of the process of cleaning up my Aunts life, but it is not likely. Regardless every step is a step forward and I must move forward. I will attempt another shot at resting this evening, that's the best I can do. Until than I will be once again donning my Superwoman cape and hitting the very steamy hot road.

Superwoman

I think the American woman is out of control. We have convinced ourselves that we can do all and be all for everyone. The trouble is that society has begun to expect it. If you cannot "bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let your husband forget he is a man" then are you really a woman at all? Seriously, women everywhere need to take it down a notch and take the pressure off!

 This weekend as I wrangled my nephews with the help of Mark and my three lovely daughters, I started thinking about everything it took just to get to Ashleigh's house for the two night one day adventure. On Friday, I was scratching my head wondering why my Superwoman cape did not make me air born. I could not have possibly done one more thing and then I did. After picking up the boys (my little nephews) and hitting the road I heard on the radio that the highway I was on was closed at a crucial portion of my route. After a few calls back and forth between Mark and I (he was heading to Ashleigh's from work) I ended up driving a few miles out of my way so that I would not be stuck in a highway accident parking lot with two young boys, two teenage girls and a very nervous dog. With my cape tied securely around my neck I was able to overt a potential crisis.

 Ironically, two other people I spoke with this weekend were having similar over done Superwoman issues. One actually shared with me that a friend was planning on getting her a superwoman cape as a gag gift. I am starting to realize that this is no gag, it is a serious problem. The biggest thing is how you take it down a notch when everyone around you expects Superwoman. Not only that, you do not know any other way to be. It is a constant battle between good enough and excellent. If you settle for good enough, who are you letting down, yourself or your friends and family. It is a long narrow line filled with expectation.
Wanting to be everything to everyone is something I have been dealing with my whole life. I am not sure that I will ever be fully over it; however it might be worth a try to at least be a little less cape worthy. I know I cannot do it all and I certainly cannot be all. Maybe if all of us feminine over achievers banded together for a cape burning, we could move past this ideal we have created and just let the false identity go. I am not sure about the rest of you, but I need a break. OK, who am I kidding, you know the minute I am done writing I am going to go grocery shopping and then come home and put laundry in the dryer, get dinner ready and make my list of remaining things to accomplish today. This is all on top of the 2 ½ hour drive home from Ashleigh's this morning where I stopped at my sisters on the way to drop off her son's medicine which I forgot to return to her when I turned them over to her yesterday afternoon at our other sisters house.

 I had to abandon my husband and younger girls after leaving my sister's son's graduation party last night and let them drive home while I drove the hour and a half back to Ashleigh's to get our dog. I spent the night got up visited briefly and left at 8:00 AM so that Ashleigh, (a chip off the Superwoman block) could get ready to go to work. Today is probably not the day to start the cape diet…maybe tomorrow.

There Is a Reason

I am curious why when the world is studying alternative forms of energy no one has thought to study little boys. Not only are they energetic, they are filled with the ability to scale things you never thought they would and they are also able to get going as soon as their feet hit the floor. No waiting for the whole zero to sixty thing, feet on the floor and SIXTY…GO!

I was born into a small family, my Mom was one of two girls, I never met my birth Father or his family and I lived with my Grandparents a good portion of my life, so I know how to be quiet because that's what I did to survive. I also know that according to my family at the time that they thought "Children should be seen and not heard". I had a wonderful cloth bag filled with blocks and if I wanted to get crazy I could use my Grandma's weird exercise thing. It was a 12" square piece of wood that was essentially a turn table that you stood on and basically twisted back and forth…Woo! Not very big fun and lonely too.

The reason I bring this up is that having my nephews with us has helped me understand why Mark has always said "There is a reason you don't have boys." I am wired for calm thoughtful introspective moments with short bursts of fun and frivolity, shopping for cute clothes and trying new makeup tips. There is also the fact that my girls are now old enough that they sleep in which is a huge bonus! I have always been on edge around my other nephews as well. I have never understood the intense boy energy or the fact that boys do everything they can to come close to killing themselves in the interest of fun. I would have never made it as a mother to a boy. I am certain I would have had a nervous breakdown. Mark is right, there is a reason I don't have boys, the reason is I was meant to have three fabulous girls and slowly learn about how to be a Mom. From the looks of things this weekend, having boys is a crash course in guiding them through life without them doing themselves in. I am actually happy that God decided to bless me with girls. I am also delighted I have this chance to take some little boys for a test run so that I could understand what Mark has been saying all these years, there is a reason I don't have boys!

Keep On Truck ‘in

I think it was in the 7o's that the phrase "keep on truck 'in" became popular. I am not quite sure what it actually meant, but my feeling was that it meant that you keep moving forward no matter what. Today is moving forward day. Nonstop have to get it all done moving.

Our family is planning to spend the weekend with my oldest daughter Ashleigh. In addition to that I will have my two young nephews with us. They are between the ages of 4 and 8 and they have never spent the weekend with us before. I cannot even set foot out of the house until I finish a load of laundry, empty the dishwasher, pack my clothes, mow my yard, run to get envelopes and a graduation card (for my other nephews graduation party in Grand Rapids this weekend) shower and dress and do my hair and make-up and pack my "truck". I would really like to get my car washed too, but that may have to wait.

We are looking forward to hanging out with Ashleigh and our nephews, but it feels like we have been in constant motion lately and that we are always "truck 'in". We are all tired and feeling overbooked and underappreciated. My hope is that a short get away will get us back on track but looking ahead to next week's calendar makes me feel a little doubtful. Persistence and resistance will be our greatest resource right now. Since my days agenda is jam packed you will forgive me if I keep this short and sweet and get going on my nonstop have to get it all done day.

Time Flies

My Time is flying. I feel like I barely lay my head on my pillow and I am waking up to the alarm. Not my alarm but usually one of my girls alarms and then I am awake and my head starts spinning with all I have to do that day. I feel like I am in constant motion propelling forward as if on a roller coaster. Everything is whipping past and I cannot focus on any one thing. Time flies and I am flying with it.

I head back to my Great Aunts house today. Once again my friends Pam and Anna will be there to help me make my way through the enormous paper trail that is left of my Aunt's life. It will be a good day, mainly because I have decided it will be. I have packed snacks and coffee so that while we work we have something to sustain us. I am also going to be using some allergy spray, because quite honestly the dust there is out of control which means that the end of my nose starts to itch and I start acting like a cocaine addict. Wiping and itching my nose constantly. It is not a pretty sight and my friends should not have to endure that along with the overwhelming amount of papers. I think when the attorney told me to pack up all of her papers and get them out of the house he did not realize what he was asking me to do. Perhaps he envisioned a filing cabinet or two with files that I could put and in a box and pop in my car. That would have been great, but instead I have at least a good 50 years of papers, if not more.

This is where I remind myself and you that every paper is not necessary to keep. I get it that there are some things you should hang on to and some things that you do just because you have a sentimental attachment, but trust me as much as my children love Mark and me, they are not going to care about most of our crap once we are gone. They are going to want a quick and easy sweep through the house and then they will want to move on with their lives. But maybe somewhere buried in all of the crappy stuff there will be a jewel and they will stop and take a minute to reminisce like Avery and I did last night when I shared a poem with her that my Granddaddy wrote in 1939.

The poem was written long hand and here is what it said:

My Little Girls

By Walter Ragen Frizzell (1939)

 

I have two girls, I do

-Just about so high,

They are sweet as the lovely angels

-clear as the blue in the sky.

Dancing and shouting, ah!

-shrilly the call,

Daddy! We love you, yes

-'cause you love us all.

 

Tiny hearts, tiny souls,

-lives so sweet and pure,

Lofty dreams within them dwell

-the heights they'll climb for sure.

How they thrill me day by day

-without them life seems dull

For days with them are filled with love

-sorrow and tears are null.

 

My little girls will grow up someday

-ladies they shall be,

With heads of curls and cheeks aglow

-their beauty I can see;

And when that day arrives at last

-and I am slightly grey,

Their mother and I will be proud, I'm sure

-that we guided them all the way.

 

Even my Granddaddy knew that time flies and he cherished every moment throughout. I intend to continue this family legacy and cherish the time with, my children, my husband, my family, my new found sisters and my amazing friends. Life is good and time flies and I will ride on its wings.

Everything Old Becomes New Again

As I sat sorting through mounds of papers at my Great Aunt Nina's house with my friend Pam and my Great Aunts trusty sidekick Anna I kept stumbling across random gems. Not the sparkling kind, but the memory kind. Pictures and papers that have opened up my memory bank to the past. Within these memories I have had the chance to walk down memory lane once again.

When I was sorting through box after box of my Mom's belongings there were constant triggers of memory that would take me back to my childhood. All the good memories and all of the bad would flood into my brain. With my Great Aunts photos and papers I feel differently. I am more relaxed, just enjoying looking back at my families memories. Photos of my Grandma when she was 7 years old with her brother and other sister years before my Great Aunt Nina(my Grandma's sister) was even born and pictures of my Great Aunt posing in various outfits with the description of the event the outfit was worn and the date 1944.

I find myself scrambling through my brain trying to remember my Great Aunts stories so that I can store them away to share with the pictures. Everything that I once considered old is new again and more valuable than it once was. I have decided to start sharing these stories with my girls and giving them some of these photos to keep the generations of family history alive. By doing this our girls will know why they are who they are, a blend of two families, (mine and Mark's) with only the best of each of us twirling around inside of our children. They are living examples of how genetics and history repeat and make individuals who are unique yet the same.

While pouring through someone else's spent life is sad, I am grateful for the opportunity to be the keeper of my Aunts gate. This will always be the greatest gift she could have given me, the opportunity to be part of her life and her death. She watched me grow up, she helped me when I needed help and she listened and counseled when she could. Now it is my turn to repay her by sorting through each thing and keeping her life alive and special. These are old pictures with new people to hear the stories, a true gift of the heart.