My Mom was a single mother, she was divorced from my father when I was about 11 months old. My relationship with my Mom through out my childhood and adolescents was very volatile. I had so much pent up anger and hostility that I would react with extremes about almost everything. At the age of 14, my Mom put me in a adolescent program in New York that was to help me deal with my "issues" and make me a better person. She thought that this was the last shot she had at helping a very troubled person. It was the only real effort that she ever made. I actually lived apart from my Mom until I was about 20 and then I lived with her for only a couple of years...not happily I will add.
Being sent away at 14 only made me feel even worse about myself. I had no self esteem anyway,(thanks in part to acne and having moved about 20 times since I was born) and I never really felt like my Mom loved me. This act that she felt was to help me actually made things worse. I have struggled most of my life with getting too close with people, because they will leave me or decide I am not good enough anymore. I do have more self esteem now then when I was 14, but that has been years in the making. I have pushed myself to try new things, so that I could push out my boundaries and find things that I am good at. I really do not remember being told I was good at anything as a child or having the opportunity to try things.
My Mom was not a nurturing person, I can only guess that that was because my Grandma was not and that was probably because my Great Grandmother was not. Even as an adult she really never called me or invited me shopping, we were not friends. I do not think I was someone she liked very much. I am sure she loved me the best she could, and I know later in her life she had regrets about our relationship, but we never really talked about it, which I am sorry for. I think that might have brought both of us some peace.
I bring these things up today, because I hope it will explain my constant analyses of my mothering style. Once I had my first daughter I was determined to be different. I have never considered myself a particularly good mother, I have however thought about being a good mom a lot! Now that I am in the throws of the teen years with my last two daughters, I feel them shaking my family tree. There is a lot of emotions that I feel everyday when I recognise things in them or myself that remind me of my relationship with my Mom. Some days it is just the pure frustration I once felt trying to talk to my Mom. This is a topic for tomorrow, in the mean time I think I will go hug my girls, I think we all need it!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Day 14 The Perfect Mom Project
One thing that I truly believe is that you can not be a good wife or mother unless you take care of yourself. You may have heard the old saying "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"! I see this play out at my house a lot. If I am aggravated about something, even if it has nothing to do with my family, the tension and stress will telegraph down to my family. I really do think it is important to care for you as well as your family.
I know as a Mom there is a temptation to put our kids above everything else. I think that for some it is a way to show that they are a "good mom". The truth is that once our kids get out into the real world, no one else is going to care for their every wish or desire. That will be their job. Perhaps a little disappointment now and then is not a bad thing. The other side of this is that just because you take time for yourself, does not mean your family has to suffer.
A breakfast or dinner out with a friend can be a great way to remind yourself you are not just a Mom, but a person too. Sometimes doing something you love, for example exercising or in my case writing, can help you become a better mom. Having that time to reconnect with a friend or do something you enjoy helps you maintain who you are. One day the kids are on their own and you are wondering..."What do I like to do"?, or even "Who is this guy next to me in bed"? I think making time for yourself and your husband also helps make you a good Mom.
Being a Mom should not have to mean giving up who you are. Just because I gave birth to children does not make me a lesser being. If I model that to my children, then that is what they will become too. I want my girls to grow up knowing it is OK to take time for themselves. I also want them to know that their children will be the best, most frustrating, thing they will ever do. If occasionally taking a few hours to recharge, helps keep the "Momma ain't happy" juices from flowing, I am all for it. Whatever it takes to propel us through another day of working towards being "The Perfect Mom"!
I know as a Mom there is a temptation to put our kids above everything else. I think that for some it is a way to show that they are a "good mom". The truth is that once our kids get out into the real world, no one else is going to care for their every wish or desire. That will be their job. Perhaps a little disappointment now and then is not a bad thing. The other side of this is that just because you take time for yourself, does not mean your family has to suffer.
A breakfast or dinner out with a friend can be a great way to remind yourself you are not just a Mom, but a person too. Sometimes doing something you love, for example exercising or in my case writing, can help you become a better mom. Having that time to reconnect with a friend or do something you enjoy helps you maintain who you are. One day the kids are on their own and you are wondering..."What do I like to do"?, or even "Who is this guy next to me in bed"? I think making time for yourself and your husband also helps make you a good Mom.
Being a Mom should not have to mean giving up who you are. Just because I gave birth to children does not make me a lesser being. If I model that to my children, then that is what they will become too. I want my girls to grow up knowing it is OK to take time for themselves. I also want them to know that their children will be the best, most frustrating, thing they will ever do. If occasionally taking a few hours to recharge, helps keep the "Momma ain't happy" juices from flowing, I am all for it. Whatever it takes to propel us through another day of working towards being "The Perfect Mom"!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Day 13 The Perfect Mom Project
It is 10 hours later then I normally post, and I have to apologize. I am as frustrated as you are that I was not posted at 8:00 AM. My oldest daughter was up and ready to walk with me this morning at 7:30 AM and I could not let the chance pass to spend that time with her. It was great to walk and talk with my daughter Ashleigh.
Last night was a little tough. I am constantly questioning my parenting style, and last night really put me to the test. My daughter Aly came home from a bonfire with a bunch of friends, (thanks to Scott and Ashleigh for picking her up for me!). Once she had told me a little about her evening she immediately disappeared. I figured out she was on the computer I told her to get off the computer and go to bed. That is when things took a turn for the worse.
Apparently once you leave a party location you must get home to the computer to continue talking to all the people you just left. I was stunting her socially AGAIN! Well, you know what I am pretty much past caring. I have done an awful lot to get her in the loop both financially and physically, so if I want her out of the loop, that is where she will be. So, after a few snotty words on both sides I asked her for her phone. Oh boy, that was a tough one. Aly actually took it pretty well, I think she knew that she had pushed the envelope.
My point about this is more that I was just winging it. I have no idea whether that was the right thing to do or not, it just made the most sense at the time. Maybe in the big picture there was something else I could have done, but in my picture at 11:15 PM that was the only way to go. I have declared to my children more then once that I do not claim to be an expert at this, but I am all they have, and they best just learn to make do. However, if the truth be told, I am always insecure about putting my foot down, and stunting them for life.
In the end, I spoke with Aly this morning about what happened and she asked me very nicely for her phone back. OK, why not, she did go almost 10 hours with out her phone, I don't want to be cruel!! Let's be realistic, I did want her to be in the loop, didn't I? This whole mothering thing is not for the weak, that's for sure!!
Last night was a little tough. I am constantly questioning my parenting style, and last night really put me to the test. My daughter Aly came home from a bonfire with a bunch of friends, (thanks to Scott and Ashleigh for picking her up for me!). Once she had told me a little about her evening she immediately disappeared. I figured out she was on the computer I told her to get off the computer and go to bed. That is when things took a turn for the worse.
Apparently once you leave a party location you must get home to the computer to continue talking to all the people you just left. I was stunting her socially AGAIN! Well, you know what I am pretty much past caring. I have done an awful lot to get her in the loop both financially and physically, so if I want her out of the loop, that is where she will be. So, after a few snotty words on both sides I asked her for her phone. Oh boy, that was a tough one. Aly actually took it pretty well, I think she knew that she had pushed the envelope.
My point about this is more that I was just winging it. I have no idea whether that was the right thing to do or not, it just made the most sense at the time. Maybe in the big picture there was something else I could have done, but in my picture at 11:15 PM that was the only way to go. I have declared to my children more then once that I do not claim to be an expert at this, but I am all they have, and they best just learn to make do. However, if the truth be told, I am always insecure about putting my foot down, and stunting them for life.
In the end, I spoke with Aly this morning about what happened and she asked me very nicely for her phone back. OK, why not, she did go almost 10 hours with out her phone, I don't want to be cruel!! Let's be realistic, I did want her to be in the loop, didn't I? This whole mothering thing is not for the weak, that's for sure!!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Day 12 The Perfect Mom Project
I may have created a monster. I am not sure , but I see some of the signs. Ever since my middle child Aly has gotten her new phone she has it strapped to her side 24 hours a day. I really took it to heart when she said no one calls on the phone anymore, they only text or facebook each other. I thought that we should bring her up to speed socially. All I can say is she is definitely up to speed! She is probably at light speed socially now. She has been busier this last week then she has been her whole life. I am amazed.
When she first presented her argument for a phone I thought it was a bunch of bologna. But she has really proven her point in a very short amount of time. Yesterday, we all went up to the Peach Festival carnival. I found myself texting Aly and my oldest Ashleigh who was on her way to visit us. Things like, "Where r u?", "I have ur jacket", "Where is Avery?" her response to this was "idk". That took me a minute, I do not have the texting short cuts down yet, but it means, I don't know. Someone I was standing with at the time told me they thought I was doing a lot of texting and not much socializing. Pretty ironic, since the whole reason my daughter has a phone now, was to get her into the social loop, and here I am being antisocial, who knew.
The other thing that I thought of yesterday was how texting will affect how people communicate with each other in the future, and also how this will affect every one's writing skills. I mentioned my concerns to Aly, but she did not seem too worried about it. However, she may not have understood what I was saying, because I used all the vowels and consonants in each word. One thing is for sure, I am able to keep in touch with her now too. I am also feeling pretty good about staying up on the newest technical gizmo's. I just think that if I do not stay up with what is out there I will become the loser mom that "doesn't get it". Since I am working towards perfection I think that is probably not the way to go. So today maybe I will study up on my texting...bfn (Bye for now).
When she first presented her argument for a phone I thought it was a bunch of bologna. But she has really proven her point in a very short amount of time. Yesterday, we all went up to the Peach Festival carnival. I found myself texting Aly and my oldest Ashleigh who was on her way to visit us. Things like, "Where r u?", "I have ur jacket", "Where is Avery?" her response to this was "idk". That took me a minute, I do not have the texting short cuts down yet, but it means, I don't know. Someone I was standing with at the time told me they thought I was doing a lot of texting and not much socializing. Pretty ironic, since the whole reason my daughter has a phone now, was to get her into the social loop, and here I am being antisocial, who knew.
The other thing that I thought of yesterday was how texting will affect how people communicate with each other in the future, and also how this will affect every one's writing skills. I mentioned my concerns to Aly, but she did not seem too worried about it. However, she may not have understood what I was saying, because I used all the vowels and consonants in each word. One thing is for sure, I am able to keep in touch with her now too. I am also feeling pretty good about staying up on the newest technical gizmo's. I just think that if I do not stay up with what is out there I will become the loser mom that "doesn't get it". Since I am working towards perfection I think that is probably not the way to go. So today maybe I will study up on my texting...bfn (Bye for now).
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Day 11 The Perfect Mom Project
Today is the beginning of Peach Festival. In our town this is IT! The most important thing to my kids is that the carnival starts this afternoon. Everyone that is anyone, goes to the carnival on Thursday night. A local paper offers a Thursday only coupon each year for $3 off the "ride all the rides all day" wristband. Our family has jokingly called it Towny Night. This is where you go to hang out and see people you have not seen all summer. It is a lot of fun. Of course this year my husband and I will be keeping our distance, since both girls are now teenagers we are to wait in the beer tent for them. Darn!
Here is the thing, the girls have planned every minute of everyday. It is like watching them plan a military take over. No stone is left unturned while they try to squeeze every last bit of summer out of the next 5 days. By the time school starts they will be exhausted and so will I! Yesterday afternoon I realized that my jaw was bothering me. I thought,"what the heck is the matter" and then it hit me. I had been clinching my teeth all day. Because not only are we entertaining friends and family over the weekend and driving the kids everywhere, my husband is putting in this huge drain system in our backyard. Our daughter Ashleigh and Son-in-law Scott are coming in to town to help my husband and a good friend of ours has also offered to help too.
So I think my husband will have his hands full. You know what that means, my taxi is back in service. I just need the girls to write out exactly who needs to be where and when. I have all of their plans in my head whipped up like scramble eggs. Somehow, I think this is going to be a very expensive weekend. Not only because of all the activites and projects, but because this weekend is 5 days long...phew. My plan is to make sure that everyone makes it through the weekend in one piece ( me included). I am also hoping that at some point this weekend one of my wonderful girls will turn to me and say, "Mom, thanks for driving us everywhere". Wish us luck!
Here is the thing, the girls have planned every minute of everyday. It is like watching them plan a military take over. No stone is left unturned while they try to squeeze every last bit of summer out of the next 5 days. By the time school starts they will be exhausted and so will I! Yesterday afternoon I realized that my jaw was bothering me. I thought,"what the heck is the matter" and then it hit me. I had been clinching my teeth all day. Because not only are we entertaining friends and family over the weekend and driving the kids everywhere, my husband is putting in this huge drain system in our backyard. Our daughter Ashleigh and Son-in-law Scott are coming in to town to help my husband and a good friend of ours has also offered to help too.
So I think my husband will have his hands full. You know what that means, my taxi is back in service. I just need the girls to write out exactly who needs to be where and when. I have all of their plans in my head whipped up like scramble eggs. Somehow, I think this is going to be a very expensive weekend. Not only because of all the activites and projects, but because this weekend is 5 days long...phew. My plan is to make sure that everyone makes it through the weekend in one piece ( me included). I am also hoping that at some point this weekend one of my wonderful girls will turn to me and say, "Mom, thanks for driving us everywhere". Wish us luck!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Day 10 The Perfect Mom Project
I am an only child. When I was 23 years old my Mom married a man with 3 teenage girls, so that is the closest to having siblings that I have ever been. My first experience with sibling issues was when my oldest daughter Ashleigh was 12 years old and my middle daughter Aly was 2 years old. Ashleigh was pushing a cart for me through a store and Aly was swinging her legs back and forth and kicking Ashleigh. Let's just say Ashleigh did not take it well. She started yelling at Aly and snapping at me. I looked at her and said " She is 2, you are 12!" Thinking that would be the end of it. Not so much, I have been learning about siblings ever since.
My husband Mark has three sisters and a brother. When we met he would always tell me how wonderful it was to come from a big family and how when we were married he would like a big family. I use to think that one was the perfect number, but he convinced me that we needed more. So, here I was in the middle of the store learning the other side of siblings, the side that Mark had not mentioned as he was lulling me into having more children...THE FIGHTING!
I remember sitting at the dinner table one night when my kids were younger feeling like a complete failure because my children were fighting. I was so disappointed in myself for having a dysfunctional family. I felt like I had really messed up and they were going to be scared for life, because of the mean things they said to each other. A "good mom" would not have children that behaved like this. Where had I gone wrong? Happily I have learned from other Moms who have several children and even from friends that have siblings, that kids generally do not skip along singing Kum By Ya all day, everyday. I have also learned that siblings can be some of the most aggravating people you will encounter in your life time.
Yesterday, I listened as Aly was busy making sure Avery was doing her chores properly. She kept asking her questions like "Did you dust here, or how about here?" I could here the hostility in Avery's voice as she responded. "Yes Aly, I did, you are not my Mom!" A few minutes later Avery came into the living room and was telling me how angry she was with Aly for bossing her around all the time. I told her that she might as well let it go, because that is what big sisters do, (not that I would know).
I just figure that at some point you have to just let them work it out on there own. I get tired of being the referee, it never goes well, I am always the bad guy to one or the other of my children. If they are going to storm out of the room or yell at somebody I would rather be the safe place to fall and not the one trying to figure out what happened and making a ruling on it. If I had wanted to be a judge I would have gone to Law school. I am better off sticking to being a Mom and stumbling through this maze without the complication of being the bad guy. The upside is that the girls all get along pretty well most of the time. I have seen them do amazing and wonderful things for each other, so I know they do love each other. It is just that every so often when things heat up around here, I have to remind myself that this is normal and to make myself scarce until it all dies down. Is that what a "good Mom" does? I am not sure, but it works for me.
My husband Mark has three sisters and a brother. When we met he would always tell me how wonderful it was to come from a big family and how when we were married he would like a big family. I use to think that one was the perfect number, but he convinced me that we needed more. So, here I was in the middle of the store learning the other side of siblings, the side that Mark had not mentioned as he was lulling me into having more children...THE FIGHTING!
I remember sitting at the dinner table one night when my kids were younger feeling like a complete failure because my children were fighting. I was so disappointed in myself for having a dysfunctional family. I felt like I had really messed up and they were going to be scared for life, because of the mean things they said to each other. A "good mom" would not have children that behaved like this. Where had I gone wrong? Happily I have learned from other Moms who have several children and even from friends that have siblings, that kids generally do not skip along singing Kum By Ya all day, everyday. I have also learned that siblings can be some of the most aggravating people you will encounter in your life time.
Yesterday, I listened as Aly was busy making sure Avery was doing her chores properly. She kept asking her questions like "Did you dust here, or how about here?" I could here the hostility in Avery's voice as she responded. "Yes Aly, I did, you are not my Mom!" A few minutes later Avery came into the living room and was telling me how angry she was with Aly for bossing her around all the time. I told her that she might as well let it go, because that is what big sisters do, (not that I would know).
I just figure that at some point you have to just let them work it out on there own. I get tired of being the referee, it never goes well, I am always the bad guy to one or the other of my children. If they are going to storm out of the room or yell at somebody I would rather be the safe place to fall and not the one trying to figure out what happened and making a ruling on it. If I had wanted to be a judge I would have gone to Law school. I am better off sticking to being a Mom and stumbling through this maze without the complication of being the bad guy. The upside is that the girls all get along pretty well most of the time. I have seen them do amazing and wonderful things for each other, so I know they do love each other. It is just that every so often when things heat up around here, I have to remind myself that this is normal and to make myself scarce until it all dies down. Is that what a "good Mom" does? I am not sure, but it works for me.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Day 9 The Perfect Mom Project
Today I have included a video from YouTube. It is a video of the song "The Reason" by Hoobastank. I have heard this song many times and have always really liked it. One day last week, as I heard this song I realized it described how I felt as a Mom. Just the beginning alone. "I'm not a perfect person" reminds me that each day we try our best at raising our kids. I just do not think that as a child you realize your parents are really just people.
Honestly, this song pretty much describes how I feel most days with my family. The things I do, the reason I do those things is all about them. There really are very few moments in any given day that are just about me. There are things I do with my kids (actually my husband too!) I wish I could take back, things I never meant to do. Each day is an opportunity to start over new, and these beautiful beings are the reason I keep trying.
I guess in away this is my declaration that I am not perfect, and the possibility to become perfect is limited. However I am determined to explore every inch of motherhood, I just wanted to make sure I put all my cards on the table. I do not want you to think that I have delusions that I will actually become perfect at the end of this year. What I plan is that by the end of the year I will at least have my journey somewhat documented. Perhaps young mothers starting out will be able to see that as Mom's we are always works in progress. Mistakes are made and we work through them. So here I go off to another day of motherhood belly flops, wish me luck!
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