Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Finding My Way Back



This morning I took the time to be quiet. I didn't rush to my exercise class or start the list of tasks I wanted to accomplish. I sat quietly with a single candle lighting my space and watched the darkness outside turn to morning light.  Every so often I would see the light catch the softly falling snow. My mind raced with all the things I want to achieve today and all the things I "should be" doing, but I forced myself to just be.

Over the last few months I have slowly become a bit unhinged. It seemed as though I was watching my life happen. Perhaps I could equate it to a puppet. I was going through the motions and something inside me did all the emotional heavy lifting and thinking while I plodded along making my way through each day. I was my own prisoner. I did what I needed to do. I faked happiness at the appropriate times, trying hard not to let on (or give in to the fact) that I was a prisoner of my own making.

Kind friends that I shared these feelings with encouraged me and loved me, but I knew that the work was mine to do. Knowing that people cared meant so much but no one can heal your mind. That is your own work and its hard work. What is most difficult is knowing there is something wrong and not being able to just "snap out of it".

 I finally took the time to speak to a professional. I laid out my head and heart and gently worked to sort through the pieces of who I am.  I made the choice to speak with a professional because my burden was heavy enough for me and I didn't want my family or friends to feel responsible to carry it too. That was the beginning of my repair work. The reason for my unhinging is not clear but the loose hinge dangled there through the holidays and into the new year and I worried I might not get back to being me. There is a part of me that wants an answer to "why" this happened. I also long for assurance that it wont happen again, but no one can make that promise. I was fortunate that I was able to recognize what was going on inside of me.  

I am still tender and not quite healed yet. This wound was deeper than I thought and I am allowing myself the time to get back to the me I want to be. I am not sure how I will be on the other side of this, but I hope that by sharing with you my own struggle you will feel comfortable reaching out if you ever need to. I also hope that if you are standing by as a loved one or friend struggles you will gently encourage them to lean on someone that can help them find their way back. Trying to "help" those of us who are struggling is a tough and many times unappreciated task. If your not careful you can become the bad guy or even fall prey to an unhinging. 

The good news is that every morning is a new start. This morning I saw miracles in nature. The falling snow and the sun rising and bringing light into a new day. If i can remind myself each morning of the good things perhaps over time the hinge will reattach and the bruising of the last few months will heal. I am finding my way back.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Down Hill

This morning I was listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about how he is 41 and he is having problems with his knees and just generally feeling like "now that he is older" things are going "down hill". As I listened with my 56 year old ears all I could think was "Stop that"! What is the matter with people, why would you purposely limit yourself by the number of years you have been alive? Why would you want to assume that an ailment turns you into someone "older" and then say it like its a bad thing?

There are a lot of us out there that are "older" if we use the DJ's definition. I have a real problem with someone else announcing what old is. To me old is a state of mind not a problem that befalls you, age is a number and life is a gift. The more positive we remain and the more we do to maintain our youth and youthful spirit the better off we are.

As far as downhill, Sleds go downhill. I love sledding, that excitement as you climb to the top and then slide fast as can be down the hill. The thrill of wondering how far you will slide or whether you will tumble off. How about Roller coasters those are exciting for thrill seekers everywhere. That swooshing up and down faster than you ever have before. Downhill and up hill and sometimes even loops. I would say if you are a roller coaster fan that down hill doesn't sound bad at all.

So I guess what has me all riled up is that this person who is 15 years younger then me is  griping about his knees and aging himself and I wonder why? Let's just say that no matter what direction we go, up or down we all make our way to the end of the road. But how about we just knock off the aging ourselves stuff. It's only bringing down the whole team. I have lots of life left in me and I do not intend on letting others define for me what I should be doing, eating, wearing or saying no matter what age I am.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Cutting The Cord

When you think of cutting the cord, are you thinking of with your children, or your parents? I'm being nosy, because I'm going to cut the cord with my time sucking use of technology. I want to care a bit less about all the things that latch on to my brain when I open up Facebook or any of the other hundreds of ways that technology has become front and center in my mind.

Gone are the times when going out to eat was a quiet respite from home. Now most restaurants have televisions near by so that you can stare into the eyes of someone on the television rather then into the face or faces of the people you are with. It's actually frustrating because you want to cut the cord and disconnect yet everywhere you turn there is another connection. I should also tell you that when I say I'm going to disconnect I am actually lying. How is it even possible? If your not connected, suddenly you don't know anything about anyone. Which in the big picture really isn't so bad, but in the little picture being in the know about everybody and everything is our new national pass time.

I talk a big game and then I see my phone and check for texts and emails. "What? No texts or emails?" "Maybe there is something on Facebook, I'll check". In a total of five minutes I go from a solid resolution to a wishy washy attempt at breaking free and I have wasted at least 10 to 15 minutes. AGH! All the stories I have heard about our technology becoming an addiction is starting to ring true for me.

 I make lots of noise about cutting the cord, but those sly technologists have created everything so well. We know so much so fast and if we are sitting alone somewhere we no longer have to sit quietly and think. We can look on our phone for a game or a video.Why spend time soul searching when you can catch up on the latest news or text with a friend? Why become a better person or day dream? Part of my frustration with all of this is that I'm doing all of these things and I want to stop but I'm so tied up and entwined in the amazing gift of goods that technology offers. I tell myself everyday that I'm not going to do this or that with technology on that day and then later find myself guiltily picking up my phone or IPad and opening up an app and feeling the sweet relief of being connected.

The best I can do at this point is give myself a break and cut the cord of guilt, Nothing can be gained by constantly berating myself. The more pressure I apply to myself the more I seem drawn to technology. Perhaps by letting it go and making it less of an issue, I will relax and turn my head more to the people I'm with and the books I want to read. I guess what I am saying is that rather than cutting a tie, I should work towards new habits and better choices to add to my life rather than cutting cords and taking things away from myself. I like that idea better. What do you think?

Monday, January 2, 2017

Welcome 2017

I miss the days when I would sit and write. Thoughtfully plodding and crafting my thoughts so that I could share them. Somehow in the last year life rushed by. Did you notice it too? It seemed as though each day would start and end in seconds. Time was quick to pass leaving me breathless each day. I felt rushed in 2016. I was constantly frustrated with myself for not starting or sometimes finishing projects.

As this new year begins I have plans to leash 2017 and train it to move more slowly. Perhaps being more aware of each minute and holding it close I can savor the time more. Our lives have become so quick and easy. All the amazing technology we have available now has taken away those spare minutes where we would pause with nothing to do but see or hear life happening around us. Those moments when we would dream or think quietly. Hearing the birds singing or watching the snow quietly fall are now invaded with videos and emails and texts.

I am wondering how to pull back a little.  As I sit here pounding words into my new iPad, I realize how so much of what I am frustrated with has helped connect us all more. Is it possible that we are connected too much? Is there a chance that we don't need to watch a video on our phone? Can we possibly get through without instant gratification in every corner of our lives? Obviously we can get by, we were connected long before any of this was available. But do we want to?

How do I convince my children that what they value so much in their lives could very well be cheating them out of so much more? The personnel connections and time spent just being are quietly drifting away. Will my girls ever understand what a luxury it is to sit and hear a real clock tick? There is nothing like the feeling of time gently rocking you as you contemplate life. The clock gently whispering "relax, relax, relax" as you sit with a beloved pet nestled near you or as you watch the sun rise or set. 

I welcome 2017. I welcome it with open eyes and heart, and I pledge to connect a little less. I plan to write more, breath more slowly and even experience new things.  I want to savor the life that I have left and not be so quick to give it away to technology. Is there a chance you feel this way too? Maybe if just a few of us slow down and take the time to be a part of the life we are living, we can convince others how valuable it is. Less Facebook, less videos and more reading and spending quality time with people we love and enjoy. Better yet, just time with ourselves reconnecting with the person we are and moving away from the disconnected busy people we have become. Happy New Year!