FALL

So I shared with you about my not so great feelings last week and then stopped writing. It was nothing personal, I just did not have it in me to write and then the weekend came along and Mark and I went out of town to see our girls and to celebrate his actual birthday. Along with all the running around I have continued to battle what might be a fall lull. My body is exhausted and my mind is murky and this morning’s chill in the air makes getting up and out of bed work.

Fall is the season of falling leaves and slowing down. I have been pulling out a snuggly blanket more and more when I sit down to read or write. I also look outside hoping to see the colors change a little more every day.   When the trees start to turn there is almost a festive fall feeling in the air. Apples, cider and donuts, along with color tours and flannel shirts help the celebration along.

I am looking outside this morning and the sun is bright and it is lighting up the red and gold in the trees. This is what a fall light show looks like. I welcome the chance to slow down from the summer’s busyness into a little slower pace. Maybe sip some warm cider and snuggle with Mark to keep warm. I also hope to get my brain back on track and feel like myself once again.

It’s going to take a little more time to get my brain on track. Hopefully not too much more, this feeling is like being mired in mud and not having any way out. My plan is to focus on the day ahead and grab a short nap this afternoon. I think a little self care is required here. As for you, I hope you will start to see fall all around you and enjoy the color show.

What is it?

I‘m going through something…I’m not sure what it is or why, but it’s there. I’m anxious and uneasy and if I could have my way I would not leave the house. I made dinner last night and it didn’t turn out as well as I had planned and I cried. Not just little tears but a full on cry. I am pulling away from things I enjoy and people I like talking to. What the heck is going on?

I am hoping it is just the change of seasons and that it will pass but its unpleasant and weird. I feel like folding up, but I can’t because I have too much to do. We have some awesome plans for this coming weekend and I don’t even want to go. Now that’s really weird! I love going places and doing things especially when I can go and do with my hubby and yet I’m not feeling it. From where I stand it seems a lot like depression, but why?

That is the hard part about depression. It climbs in grabs a hold of you and starts filling your head with lies. There are big lies and little lies about you that aren’t true. Then you are left to fight this battle with yourself over truth and lies. After a while you start to believe the lies and you even start thinking that others feel things towards you or about you that are not true and it becomes this vicious fight with in yourself. What is most difficult is knowing what is happening and even knowing what you can do about it and being unable to do it.

That’s where I’m at. So many good things and wonderful things going on around me and I’m frozen in this not so great place of anxiety and worry and sadness over nothing. It’s awful and I hate it. I’m doing what I can because I know what it is (depression) but I obsess about why I’m feeling this and it just makes it worse. I would like nothing more than to have a day where I don’t shower and just sit and do nothing, but common sense tells me that is a recipe for disaster. So at least I have not lost my sanity…yet.  Today, I know that I have things to do and I have to get moving. I will just push through and make my way one day at a time until I leave this horrible feeling behind.

Surprise!!

Last Saturday, I had a surprise birthday party for my husband. He was surprised, which is always a plus when you are working hard to make it a surprise. The whole process of getting from the idea of the party to the surprise made me wish I had come up with another plan. Let’s just say that I could never be a spy or an undercover anything. The stress of being found out about killed me.

For the last 6 weeks I have been scheming and planning. The idea was so exciting; I jumped in without thinking it all the way through. For example, my husband works from home…how do you prepare for a party when you party pigeon is right there all the time? I had to forgo actual paper invitations and text and mention the invite to people because I was never out of sight enough to be that sneaky. I also had no way of explaining why our usually ample food budget was just not stretching as far as it normally would. I just pretended like all was well and I had no idea what the problem was.

There was also the fact that I had to come up with various excuses why a particular day which was wide open on the calendar was suddenly not so wide open. I had already started planning for one open day when my husband informed me he was working that day…UGH.  I then had to start from scratch with my idea. Oh, and how about the day that we had our argument and I wanted to sock him in the nose? I had a tough time making my way through the plans until we worked it all out and made up. That required me reminding myself that I indeed love him even if he is a total man sometimes!

I should tell you if you are thinking of planning a surprise, really think it through. It was a big success and my husband was very appreciative, but it took a huge toll on my nerves. If sneaking around is your thing, then you will have it made, no problem, but if you are not so great at the whole undercover thing, maybe you will want to enlist the aid of a cohort who can carry the weight of some of the anxiety and stress. Regardless, most people like surprises and it is pretty cool to make someone you love feel special so in the end it is worth all the bumps and bruises when everyone yells “SURPRISE!!”     

Losing your Soul

Just a quick thought today inspired by a song heard this morning by a Christian singer, TobyMac. The Chorus is this “I don’t want to gain the whole world and lose my soul.” It made me stop and think how hard we all work to be more and have more or even just look like we do and to what end. If people around you look at you and think you have everything and have it all together and you are feeling unhappy and lost, you are losing your soul.

I have started to realize that the having and the being somebody part are not as important as the loving and caring part. Cherishing the people in our lives, not the things, Making sure we stay true to who we are and finding a life path that makes us happy without giving away our core beliefs to make someone else happy.

I stopped writing for a while because I felt like no one cared what I had to say. Recently I realized that I had been writing for me and I missed it. If no one ever reads another thing I write it does not matter as long as the writing continues to be true to who I am and honors the life I have. Please take some time today to be true to you. Hang on to your soul people!!

Here is the link to his YOUTUBE video:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=coHKdhAZ9hU

Headphones

Headphones have become the great escape. This morning as I walked my dogs Roxanne and Louis we walked past this young man headed to the middle school bus stop. This young guy had on headphones and never even glanced in my direction. The morning sounds were all around us, chirping birds, leaves rustling and even a nice lady walking by with her puppies saying “Hello” and he heard none of it. He was in the zone and life was his oyster.

Full disclosure, when I run I wear headphones, but I only have one bud in my ear playing music to keep my feet going. The other ear is available to hear cars coming, birds chirping and for paranoia’s sake the random person chasing me (which thankfully has not happened). I still hear the birds and barking dogs, people saying hello and any other things I need to hear. The thing is everywhere you go now you see people in headphones. Even my husband who works from home will roam the house while he is “In a meeting” and until I look at him and realize he is “unavailable” I am yammering on in a conversation. Nice!

I am still in debate with myself as to whether this is a good thing or not. I’m wondering if this disconnection will make all of us less personable and unable to communicate. I’m sure that was a big debate when television burst on the scene many years ago. Change is always hard no matter what it is. I suppose instead of assuming the young man this morning was listening to music, maybe I should think about the chance he was actually listening to a book he downloaded. Maybe as I grow older I am just becoming a big fuddy duddy!

Reality is life is evolving so fast that keeping up is tough. Music alone has gone from records to eight track tapes to cassettes on to CD’s and now we download music to our phone. At this rate we may just get a chip implanted in our heads one day so we can answer calls and hear music without carrying this phone and portable photo album everywhere. Oh geez, did I just invent something? I sure hope not!

I guess for now I will worry about me and what I am doing and let the rest of the world ignore me as they listen to music, have meetings and ignore nature. Now if you will excuse me I need to put in my headphones so I can watch a show on Netflix.

Politics

This morning I got up early and went to work out at a gym Mark and I belong to. It’s a pretty easy going place, nice people and a trainer we like. There are all kinds of topics that come up when I am there and many times I just listen and keep quiet. The melting pot isn’t always filled with like minded people and I find it best to feel and believe what I do and not necessarily share it out loud. I know, it’s hard to believe that this chick that writes her life out loud doesn’t share everything in public isn’t it?

So anyway, the scary topic of politics came up and I heard our trainer and one of his clients commenting on a particular candidate that gets on my last nerve. They were insisting this candidate had a real shot at the job that they are shooting for and talking about polling numbers etc. I kind of jumped out of my skin a little and basically dumped my don’t ask, don’t tell policy about politics and raved like a nut job about how ridiculous the whole thing was. This sudden rant delighted the group at the gym and they laughed hysterically at my lunacy.

The thing about politics is that it is personal. I am not one to stand for one party or another. I look at the person and the history as well as the kind of life they lead. I am not big on flash and smoke and mirrors, I want value for my vote. I don’t talk about how I vote because I don’t want to go toe to toe about how I feel and why with anyone, because like I said before, it is personal. So now that I have thrown myself out there, I have to find a graceful way to reel it in. I figure I’m just going to laugh at their gentle ribbing and keep very quiet from here on out. I promise I won’t even say “I told you so!!!!” when this candidate is finally taken out of play. It’s best to get back to keeping my opinions to myself in the real world. The bonus is, it gives me much more to share here!

Making People

I find it interesting that each human is so completely different from the other. Isn’t it amazing? When we set out with the idea of having children, we have in our minds a dream of what our children will be like. We work hard to pour into our children all the things we are hoping they will be. Sometimes its personal habits and other times it is character traits we hope they will have. We encourage things like clean rooms and getting homework done, kindness and caring. We do all this in the hopes that when they launch into the world they are the shiniest reflection of who we are, and then they are not.

The truth is you become who you are meant to be. I look back on my own life and always wonder how all the twists and turns I had did not make me a more angry and unhealthy person. Somehow each time I turned in a direction that was not the best choice, God showed up and walked me back to the place I needed to be. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had not felt God’s tap on my shoulder and turned towards him. I also marvel at my children who are each different from the other. They have similar traits but overall, their talents are their own. Their personalities show the quirks we share as a family but each child has fine tuned those quirks to suit the person they are.

When I see stories about people that have made choices that have hurt others I have a hard time making sense of it. How did these people get to the point in their lives where they decided to be the less shiny side of themselves? What is the turning point when evil is the choice that makes the most sense?  How does a parent bare the pain of those choices that their child has made and not ponder what they could have done differently? You can only hope that each person recognizes the value in another, but so often we see people and know that only God’s hand will work on them, that on their way through life no one poured into them.

We are all different, that was God’s design. When we have these gifts of children and we dream of what they will be and who they will be, we forget that what we want does not matter. We are not making people, we are raising them. Our job is to hold them and love them. We are to be a model to them and then let them go. Those clean rooms and caring and thoughtful lessons are just the beginning. Once we let go we have to make room for the work God has in mind. At times it will be hard to understand what His plan is, but in the end we hope that if nothing else we all are at the very least, less than shiny, worn and thread bare people that are the reflection of God’s love.

Happy Anniversary

My husband Mark and I celebrated 23 years of marriage on Saturday. To make the day special we started it off with a fight. Truthfully it was I who was mad so it was my fight and it started the night before. You see, I tried explaining to my husband that I did not like something he had said when we were talking with one of our friends. As hard as we try, we still have not learned how to have some of these tough conversations. I ended up going to bed very early because I was so mad and I worried I might say or do something that would make the next day our last anniversary.

Honestly, I do not know how you can love someone so much and still want to punch them in the nose. Perhaps it’s the love or passion that drives you to those over powering feelings. I personally struggle with how to communicate what I’m feeling in a way that truly expresses my feelings and also gets the actual emotion out without completely losing it. Let’s just say that I start talking about what is bothering me and my husband’s face shifts to a here we go again zone and I immediately become protective and defensive. Warning lights are going off on both sides of the table and I start getting agitated and so does he, it’s not pretty.

In the beginning of our relationship I thought it was my problem. I would blame my temper or think I was wrong. However as time has gone on I have realized that my man has some responsibility in how these talks go and I have been less willing to back down and take full responsibility for whatever the issue it is. After all, it takes two to tango, right? I just want to be heard and understood. I need to know that what I feel is important. It honestly doesn’t matter to me if I am right (Mark, tends to disagree with me on this point), I just want to have us both walk away feeling like we have expressed what we feel and we are resolved. That rarely happens.

The crazy part is, no matter what happens I always love him more than anything else. Even on our worst day, he is my best friend and love of my life. Frankly, I am better for knowing him and loving him. If it means we have a storm here and there, I’m willing to go through it as long as on the other side he is still standing by me. Twenty three years ago we took a vow for better or worse and we have stayed true to that promise and I am certain we will continue to for many years to come.

Running Out of Summer

This is the time of year when we start losing interest in summer and start longing for fall. The hot humid days wear on us and the cool evenings call to us as we snuggle under a blanket. We start feeling the excitement for fall like we once felt when summer was on its way.

I remember the excitement I felt just a few short months ago when I pulled out my stack of shorts and gave them priority wearing status. They were bright and cheery and they beamed the sunny light of the summer to come. It felt like summer was stretching out before me, I had plenty of time to accomplish so many things, yet much of my list went undone. Sometimes I skipped the list so we could go fun places and do fun things and other times I had no interest in the list or rather “the noose”.  Now I’m faced with some tasks that I just think about and panic because I am running out of summer or better yet ran out. These tasks will be piled onto the fall list.

Fall is just toying with us now. Cool evenings, warm days and lots of yummy fall foods. I am longing for apple everything and Mums and straw bales. Along with a warm bonfire that brings with it good conversations with friends and warmed cider. We are nearly there. The calendar says it is fall, but Mother Nature runs the show and she is taking her sweet time sending fall all the way in. Before long we will be looking back at summer with a little tear in our eye.

I love each season. Each has its own blessings and curses, but the transitions from one to the other always leave me feeling a little wonky because I miss the old season and long for the new one.  There is no doubt that God created this seasonal metaphor for us to ponder. Learning to move in and out of each season of the year helps me realize that I can do the same in each season of my life. I also know that as this summer rolls away it is not gone for good. In no time at all I will move my shorts back on top in my drawer and I will be rotating things on my to-do list once more. For now I’m just going to slide the shorts to the bottom of my drawer and start dusting off my cozy sweaters, as my excitement for fall begins and summer runs out.

Parents are People TOO!

I was talking with some friends recently and we hit on the subject of parenting. Mainly we talked about how our children saw us as parents. Children tend to look at parents when they are young as unbeatable super heroes. We run to the rescue with the special missing blanket or we scoop them up and hold them after they fall. Their vision tends to change as they move into their teen years when the normal wave of adolescence courses through their bodies and they realize that they know everything and adults are idiots. That’s when the fun begins.

Healing wounds and righting wrongs are no longer expected, now it’s time to pony up with some cash and goods. Skip the hugs and hold the advice. If you really love them you will let them­­_______(fill in the blank). Oh and by the way, you really don’t understand how things are “Now a days”. There is eye rolling, door slamming, hurtful things said and then we as parents are sitting there staring at the door wondering how all that just happened.

The truth is kids, we are just people. We came thru the same system that you are going through now. Some parents read “What to expect when your expecting” and maybe even made it thru a few toddler books. More adventurous parents may have read even more parenting books. In the end, we can only draw and what we know when we parent. We have emotional wounds and hurts you know nothing about and we don’t want you to. We have loved and lost, watched loved ones die and cried ourselves to sleep. Most of all we parents have worried about you and how to raise you so you are not hurt and broken. We have also worried about passing on our wounds to you.

Mainly you should know that every time something in our life happened it became a part of who we are packed away deep inside, just like it will for you. As hard as we try to protect you from seeing our scars, they still show up in our day to day lives and in our parenting. Parents generally do not sit down with their children and have heart to heart talks about their lives and what they have been through, our baggage tends to unpack itself a little at a time until you end up with a little of it too.

Parents are people too, just like you are. We do our best and we love you more than you will ever understand until you have your own child. You are part of who we are our good and our bad and even on our worst day, you are still the best thing we have ever done. If you feel like we aren’t enough, or the best at what we have done for you, we are sorry, but this is who we are... people just like you.

The Hiatus is over (No rest for the Wicked)

Coming off my writing hiatus is not going to be easy. I have worried for some time that the writing well was dry. Honestly, I have had a love hate relationship with not writing. On the one hand it was nice not having an assignment first thing every morning. On the other hand, I filled (more like wasted) that time with endless Facebook scrolling which depending on the day could either be interesting or annoying. Over all, the time I would normally write was given away to other things and other people as an avoidance measure.

Writing for me is very therapeutic. I spend an hour or two sharing how I feel about my life or some other more interesting topic and then send it out into the world for all to see. At some point over the last few years I had decided that maybe what I was writing was nothing that important and that I was being vain for sending my thoughts out for the word to chew on. What could I possibly offer anyone? Perhaps it is just that many times we are all feeling the same way and one of us just writes it out loud. Well, whatever it is, I’m willing to get back at it.

Much of what I have written about has been family related. I began my writing journey trying to slog through my life and figure out my relationship with my Mom. Now I am my family, meaning that the buck stops here. Mom has passed on, Dad has passed on and my dear Aunt Nina has passed and now I’m the only one (besides my beloved sisters) to sort out life for my children. Whatever I have done or do from here on out is my story and my weight to bear.

Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons when we aren’t even looking for one. I know now that my mom did the best she could. She loved me, but she had her own demons that she fought. She did the best she could with what she had. I am sure my girls look at me sometimes and just shake their head. Some day they will be wearing these woman size shoes and realize they are much harder to fill than you think. I also know that once your Mom is gone you appreciate her more. Her lessons especially the ones that annoyed you suddenly make more sense. Her rough spots are missed and that hug and “I love you” are held tenderly in your mind in a safe place. I miss my Mom, but I love my life as a Mom and I hope that if nothing else my children know that and remember it.

Somehow I’ll get back into the swing of this writing thing and I am happy to have you along for the ride.

Putting a Bow on It

A while back my husband and I were with some friends and we were talking about how one of our friends is so good about sharing her feelings with people. Someone in our group said “She puts a bow on everything.” My husband responded “Ragen doesn’t put a bow on anything!” He is right, I don’t.

I don’t believe that I am mean or thoughtless, but I prefer full frontal honesty. If I am angry, you know it, if I am annoyed or aggravated or frustrated you will know it. I have always preferred the truth to the fluffy stuffed animal with a bow version. I see the good in adding a bow, but it’s not how I am. I say it how I think it. I’m not a complete insensitive boob, I do hold back and color my thoughts with deep thoughtful breaths and proper words that get to the point without being rude for friends and the outside world…but with my family I get right to the point. (Insert gritted teeth embarrassed look here.)

The thing is I don’t have the patience to sugar coat everything. If you’re driving me crazy by being unprepared or late I’m going to tell you. If you say you’re going to do something and you don’t, I believe it is within my rights to let you know that I am disappointed. I know it sounds like I am a verbal samurai but I assure you I am not. I just state the facts and feelings and skip the fancy bow.

I’m not sure why, but part of me feels a little like the bow cheats you out of handling a situation truthfully. You’re saving the other person from feeling or hearing the truth, which would in turn possibly help them evolve a little. You are also most certainly cheating yourself out of handling something that you are not happy with and potentially making yourself deal with feelings that wouldn’t be there if you had just put the responsible person on notice about what they did.

Honesty is not a bad thing. Stating your feelings and moving through a situation is in my opinion healthy for everyone. Let’s put our cards on the table and move forward. In the end the truth (as difficult as it can be), is the one thing that keeps us all working towards the same goal.  We are ultimately responsible for our own feelings. It is not fair to assume that anyone can or cannot handle the truth. It is what it is.

I do suppose that a small bow tied to the big truth might be a nice touch in some situations. Perhaps now that I have been called out as a “no bow” person it is only fair that I step back and think about it a little. I should also point out that my husband announcing my no bow policy at a table full of people was most definitely a “no bow” move…just saying!