Friday, August 30, 2013

In Life a Little Rain Must Fall

“In every life a little rain must fall”. I’m not sure where that saying came from, but it came to my mind this morning as I sit on my deck enjoying a beautiful summer morning. It is hard to imagine right now where the rain would come from. It’s sunny, warm (but not too warm) and the birds are singing with delight, but according to the weather channel, rain is coming.

In life we do not always get a “weather report” to help us steer clear of an upcoming personal storm. Many times an unexpected storm hits us and we are literally blown away by the damage it causes. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a Doppler radar for our lives? Some gizmo that would alert us when life was going to blow us away or a storm of personal trouble was on the horizon. One minute we are making plans to meet with friends and the next minute we are heading to a hospital to be with a loved one who is ill. There is no warning.

Honestly, I am so attached to the Weather Channel and the Weather Channel app that there are times that they literally rule my day and my life. How did anyone get by without 24 hour weather information? Probably the same way we get by in life, we just wing it. It is nice knowing what will happen next but I know that I will hedge on a fun activity or plans with friends based on a weather report that never actually transpires. I am certain if I had access to a life app, it would stop me in my tracks when there was an errant personal storm cloud looming. I would ring my hands and wonder what I should do to avoid the personal storm only to have it move past without any real activity. Can you see yourself halting plans and changing your life based on inside information?


For now its best that life has a little rain that falls and that we are none the wiser about when our life cloud will burst. We are then blessed with living life to the fullest whenever we can and as long as we can. As I sit here warming my toes in the last few bursts of summer sun it is hard to imagine that a storm is coming and I like it that way, I can relax and soak in summer. As for what lies ahead for my day or my life I will not know until it blows in and I am okay with that. Why waste this beautiful weather worrying about what I cannot control. 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Mountain or Molehill?

Two nights ago I decided to run the course for the 5K I am running tonight. It was mainly for my girlfriend who has never run a race. I thought it would be good for her to get a feel for the course so it would not be as daunting. The whole time leading up to the run I was full of anxiety; my memory of the course was less than favorable. I remembered the course as literally all up hill. For weeks I have told many people that this was the worst course ever, that it was all up hill and that I did not know why I said I would do the race. But…I had told my friend I would do it.

Tuesday night with much anxiety and a storm heading our way, Mark and I climbed into my girlfriend’s car and she drove us to the starting point of the race. I had all these negative thoughts pounding in my head and I just let them swirl around in there like a cesspool. I was determined to be miserable, I “knew” what I was up against and planned to do it anyway because I promised my friend but I was definitely not happy about it.

Once we got going I felt pretty good. Even though it was 85 degrees, the storm clouds came in handy and kept the hot sun off of our backs. It was a good strong pace as we turned down one dirt road after another. Finally after a few minutes of anticipation the first hill was in my sight and that’s when I realized that this hill had been a mountain in my memory. I had built this hill up so high that I was certain I would fail or embarrass myself and there it was…just a hill, a blip on my running screen. The next hill was a long steep hill that was just as I had remembered, but this time I was ready for it I had been running hills near my home and with a little extra huffing and puffing (picture a blowfish) I made it up to the top.  From there it was smooth sailing.


There is still the prerace anxiety. Things like will it be too hot or will a ten year old run by me (like last time) or even, am I ready? All the things that my mind dishes up today I am pretty sure I can fight off now because I made it to the top of the mountain and it turned out to be a molehill in the end. I now know that this is not the toughest course ever and I am also very glad I told my girlfriend I would run.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Peaches and Eggs

Today is one of those days. It is hot and steamy and grey outside and there is no motivation inside. I am looking around at all the things I need to do and thinking, “Nah!”  There is not much hope of getting past the “Nah”, but I must try. My week is jam packed with activities and I have no time to sit around unenthused. I must keep moving.

One of my major triumphs this morning was flipping my egg in the pan without a spatula. I just slid it back and forth in the pan…back and forth, back and forth then swish and flop it went over. Somehow that success made me feel pretty darn good, like a real accomplishment. I suppose if I can flip an egg I can get it together today and accomplish a few more things.

Where I live it is time for our Annual Peach Festival. This weekend starts on Thursday and ends Monday after a very long Parade which includes our Peach Queen. Not to brag…ok totally bragging, but my oldest daughter was Peach Queen in 2002. It was a very busy, exciting summer of parade after parade. I even made shirts for my younger daughters that said FUTURE PEACH QUEEN. Very exciting times, anyway…this weekend every year I tell myself I am going to take it easy and not do so much and every year I over do it. I can already see that train barreling down the track, but I cannot stop it, it’s a monster of my own making.

Tomorrow (Thursday and the first day of Peach Festival) I have signed up to run a 5K race (the Peach Festival 5K, cause everything is peachy this weekend!). This race raises money for our local Lions Club. Years ago I challenged myself to run it and I have run the race one other time. Tomorrow I am going to run it again with Mark and a couple of other friends. This race is the kick off to a weekend of peachmania all over town. Maybe this is why I am unmotivated; I am just over whelmed with all the peachyness.

Last year Mark and I skipped town and relaxed away from all the peach stuff. It was very nice and I wish we could have done it again, but we have been gone enough this summer and we are going to be on the go all year sooooo…Peach Festival it is. I am braced and ready, let the peach madness begin!


So I must do something else besides flip an egg today. I have laundry to put in the dryer and a basement to clean and dinner to plan. I know there is much more, but I am giving myself a low bar and if I reach it I will regroup from there. I will either excel or just stay with the status quo. It is all good as long as I move forward and prepare for Peach madness.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

And Then There was One

I have one child left here at home to focus on and I am certain that I am going to drive her insane. I have endless great suggestions for her. Some she appreciates, many she does not. I have cool things I want to share, for example the random beautiful sunflowers that grew from the birds dropping their seeds as they eat from our bird feeder or the new dog harnesses that keep our dogs from pulling when I walk them. I have so many interesting stories to share if I could only get my youngest daughter to come out of her room and visit with me.

I’m pretty sure she has built a cocoon in her room and in a few short months she will emerge as a butterfly would, fully grown, beautiful and ready to fly away into the world. Each day I try to squeeze in one more thought or one more lesson of life, but the clock is ticking. Soon my impressions will no longer matter my youngest child will have to take the helm and steer her life in the direction she wants it to go. My time will be up.


It has come to me that by thinking that I no longer will have influence I have created a state of panic in myself. A feeling of I better hurry or I will not complete my task of parenting. The truth is my influence is already in place and if I just step back, just the tiniest bit and let my daughter be, she steps up and moves flawlessly forward. She is still going to have work to do, to finish the big steps ahead, but if I let go a little everyday and encourage her a little more, this beautiful butterfly of mine will take off strong. There is just one child left in my hands to care and love and as long as she will put up with my moments of panic and love me anyway we may get through this.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Life Goes On

As we prepared to leave for our family trip on Friday, my youngest daughter held up a pink water bottle I had placed in the backseat cup holder, “Mom, what’s this?” I stared at her for a minute like a deer in headlights took a deep breath and said “Nana…”. “WHAT? Mom, that’s weird!” she said as she freaked out about touching and holding the bottle and also deciding she should now wash her hands. “Avery, it’s not contaminated it just ashes.” “Seriously Mom that’s weird”. I tried explaining to her that that is how we got her Papa home from New Orleans two years ago and if it is good enough for Papa it is good enough for Nana, but she was to consumed with not having Nana ride in the back seat with her so Mom came up front with me. The water bottle was the safest most practical way for Mom to travel (in my opinion). I also know that my Mom would think it was funny too. It actually made the dispersing of the ashes easier as well. Who questions people and their motives when they are walking with a water bottle?  

This weekend we finally placed our parents together in a place we all enjoyed with them. Friday night we had dinner and then walked to a secluded area in the nearby woods. We each shared a thought or memory about our parents and then took some ashes in our hands and spread them. Every one of us had an opportunity to say good bye. We then all walked back to the lodge where we were staying together and had Mardi Gras the way our parents had done for us just a few years before. My sister and I threw beads and cups and toys to the family from an upstairs balcony and then we brought out the piñata and had the kids take turns hitting it until it the piñata burst open and the candy finally poured out. We were spending time together the way our parents would have wanted.

Our families laughed and talked together. We went rafting down a nearby river, played cards, walked and ate lots of food. It was a great tribute to the two people that together connected all of us. Now, life must go on. After years of focusing on negative feelings, hurts and wishing things were different we will all move on, we must. This is a busy senior year for my youngest and so many of us have new exciting things in our lives, moving on is the best way for us to honor the two people that we have lost. I know that is the way they would want it.

Friday, August 23, 2013

A Healing Weekend

Everything is stacked by the backdoor ready to be packed in the car. I have packed my suitcase, or I should say over packed my suitcase, for the weekend. I have rallied the troops here warning them that I want to leave no later than 11:30. I cannot be held accountable for my mood if there is a delay. Tonight in the middle of the woods near the lodge we visited with our parents each year, our families will join together and let our loved ones go.

It will feel good to laugh, cry and share stories. We all need to heal; at least I know my sisters and I do. This time spent with our families will be a tribute to our parents. Each one of us there carries a piece of these two people with us and it will be nice to blend those pieces into a united moment of love.

 These last few years of been arduous, but we have stared down the tough stuff and made it through. This ability to make our way through difficult times is what always amazes me. God never gives us more than we can handle. I sometimes think he has misjudged me as I am sure many of us think, but when I have made my way through, I realize that “Hey, I did it!” and I walk away with a sense of accomplishment and a renewed strength.


I must get myself together now. I will be ready to go and tapping my foot waiting for my family to pull it together. I am a bundle of mixed emotions and being on the road will help me. In every moment today I will be thankful for the strength I have found and the love that surrounds me. I am also grateful that these difficult times brought my sisters and me closer together. God continues to work in mysterious ways.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Avoiding the Inevitable

After weeks of procrastinating about putting my Mom’s ashes and the ashes of her cat and dog in the small garden I made in her memory, last night was the night. I had no choice. We leave tomorrow to gather with my sisters and their families to spread my Dad’s ashes with my Mom’s. I had all kinds of marks in time where I was going to put the ashes in the garden:

v  Before Summer
v  Before Ashleigh moves to Connecticut
v  Before we went to New York to visit friends
v  Before Aly leaves for college

I had been avoiding the inevitable and I was backed into a corner. I did not want to go with my family expend all of our emotions spreading ashes and have to come home to do it all again I knew I could not take it. My thought was that having my sisters there when we spread my parent’s ashes together where our families had enjoyed time with them, would be healing and a beautiful ending tribute to the two people that had brought us all together. I did not want to head home alone and have to face the remaining task of spreading the ashes here too.

I waited all day. I ran errands, came home and made dinner, did chores in the yard and weeded the garden where her ashes would rest. Then Mark and I stood in our pool for a few minutes talking and cooling off and when avoiding was no longer an option I climbed out of the pool, picked up the ashes and began to spread them in the tiny garden. I started with Mom’s cat Mandy, added her dog Cassie and finally I added Mom’s ashes. Just about half of her ashes so there would be some to spread tomorrow night too and then I cried.


It is hard to explain, my Mom has been gone four and a half years, but it feels like we never had an ending. There was always a drama or frustration and no time to just let the idea of her being gone settle in. We had work to do to protect what she had put in place for her family. Now that work is complete and we are all ready to let our parents go, but first we must spread their ashes, morn a little, cry a lot, hug each other and share stories and then finally heal. The procrastinating is now over and the inevitable has finally happened…it’s about time. 
Miss Mari's Garden

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Short and Sweet

Short and sweet today…yesterday I spent the day from 8:30AM until 3:00PM at the high school. I am the Co-Chair of the senior class All Night Party which happens at the end of graduation day in June. My job yesterday was to collect money from those students that were ready to sign up. I had a friend with me to help which made the day much more pleasant, but our table was in the cafeteria…it was HOT… and the day ddddrrrrraaaaagggged. By the time we were packing up it was determined that the air conditioning was not on, AGH! Every ounce of energy I had in me was sucked was sucked dry and I arrived home a puddle of flesh and bone.


This morning I head back to this hot mess. Fortunately, I am only staying until 11:30AM. Unfortunately, I am working alone. Being someone who likes to visit I always enjoy company so today is going to be tough. Once I get out of there today I have many errands to do so my writing today is stunted by a head filled with a long list of things that I need to do. I hope to make it through this morning with a little energy left to accomplish some of the things on my list. It is suppose to be even warmer today, so cross your fingers that the air conditioning is on. Honestly after weeks of less than summer weather, I dare not complain about this great weather! Let’s all get out there and enjoy these last few drops of summer.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Cork Blew

Yesterday morning I lost it. It was not pretty and a better person would feel badly…I don’t. After canceling a previous appointment for senior pictures yesterday was the day to take my youngest for senior photos. After weeks of asking questions, trying to help her pick out outfits and getting pushed back, I was insistent that I was not funding a debacle, if pictures were going to happen I was going to need some cooperation. That’s when the weeks of cranky push back met the crankier pushed back mother.

I had reached my limit days ago and I was just praying that all would be in order. I AM NOT a seat of your pants gal and especially when I am going to invest in something I want to know there is at least an attempt at success. Honestly, if you do not care, why should I? So… I screamed like a lunatic and acted like a nut and felt sad, frustrated and embarrassed. All I could say to my husband was that I had weeks of rage tamped down inside and just like Old Faithful in Yellowstone Park I had to blow.

Even the most kind and understanding parent has a breaking point. I of course am not the kind understanding one I am the parent that has a limit and says what the limit is and expects everyone to get it. When the limit is ignored I try to hold on but after too much ignoring of my line in the sand I break.

Anyway, after the break we regrouped. Nothing was really said about the fact that I went nuts, we all just moved on, sorted through outfits stitched up a dress and ironed a few things. Then we put everything in the car and headed to see the photographer. Mom went crazy and everyone acted like it never happened, dysfunction at its best.


All in all it was a good evening of picture taking. My youngest looked so pretty and pulled together lovely looks and we all came home happy. Win/win, except for the piece of me that knows I was wrong. I have a different path to take with my youngest and it is unfamiliar territory. I have to get the hang of this quickly because it will not be long before we have an empty nest and I really want my babies to want to come back. Yeah, even crazy people have feelings!    

Monday, August 19, 2013

Successful Launch

Mixed feelings this morning as I look ahead and behind at the weeks. Behind lie two daughters successfully launched and excited for the future and ahead one daughter left to go who wants desperately to delay the future and be a little girl just a little longer.

Our weekend was a whirlwind of excitement as we loaded a trailer and dragged our living room furniture and a bed up to our middle daughter’s new apartment. Aly was giddy with excitement when we arrived and I could not help but be excited too. After a difficult first year at college I was thrilled to see my girl excited for the year ahead, ready to tackle the future and stake her claim at the life she has envisioned. I have prayed and continue to pray that her rough patch was her learning curve and that she is on her way to completing her college career with great success.

My oldest daughter just moved into her final place in her new home state of Connecticut. She has a roommate that she is very happy with and since their other lease was up just weeks after she arrived, they decided to find a little bigger place. She seems happy. She is not as connected as I would like her to be (Mom code for: She does not call) but I do see her posts on Facebook and she is usually smiling. It is not the way I would like to find out about my girl, but I will take that over knowing nothing.

So here I am…it is senior picture day for my youngest daughter that wants desperately to crawl back in the womb and have just a little longer to grow up. I have cancelled this appointment once before because my girl was dragging her feet and not invested in the process at all. Today we move forward. I have done everything I can to help her be comfortable, but at some point she will have to take the wheel. I am sure that now that she is the only child in the house, there are days when she loves it (lots of attention) and days when she HATES it (lots of attention). The other part of all this is, that we love her as much as the other two and we will not tolerate anything less than another successful launch, so she best get with the program.


I will work towards unmixing my feelings in the next jam packed few days. I cannot sit and relax on my couch because I sent the tired out couch and chair, up to college. I have no time to even shop for a replacement at this point so it will be a while before we can lounge around in my living room. It’s the price we are willing to pay for a small step towards independence. I hope to make a giant step towards independence for my youngest today when she finally moves past the senior picture trauma drama. All this is in the name of another successful launch on the horizon.
Aly's first apartment

Friday, August 16, 2013

Ashes to Ashes

One week from today, my family and two of my sister’s families are meeting to disburse our parent’s ashes. We are heading to a lodge my Mom and Dad use to rent so that we could all spend some time together. Our plan is to celebrate their lives when we arrive on Friday evening, enjoying a delicious dinner and spending time like we did when my Mom and Dad would come from New Orleans to see us. We have had this planned for a long time and while I have anticipated releasing my Mom, I am not sure if it will be as easy to do as I once thought.

I have started a small garden for my Mom in the back of my yard that I plan to lay some of her ashes in and I have put this piece off for so long, always planning a better time in my head. Now my oldest daughter has moved out of state, my middle daughter has headed off to college and all my plans of having something with just my own family have fizzled. I have a few short days left to lift my Mom from this little wooden box and place some of her ashes along with her cat and dogs ashes (don’t ask) into my little memorial garden.

It is obvious that what I thought would be easy, will not be easy at all. Even as I write this I am tearing up and feeling anxious and I am realizing that when I finally release her ashes I will be releasing her. It is time to move on and return ashes to ashes, but it sounded easier when it was a distant event. There are no more emotional deadlines to meet and no one else to count on to see this through, its time and I must let her go. I’m not sure why I’m morning again, but I am.


Holding these ashes here was part of getting me through the years of legal drama. I would talk to this little wooden box often expressing feelings of frustration and sadness. I would talk with the lawyer or my sister and the little box would be sitting just inches away on the table. Sometimes I would light a candle and just sit quietly staring at this box filled with what is left of my Mom. It is time now to spread the ashes and release these last few years. It will be hard to do, but it is past time and it must be done. I am grateful that on Friday our family will have each other to lean when we can finally say goodbye to our parents and return their ashes to the universe, however I still have this one hurdle I must jump and that is to lay some of my Mom’s ashes in her little garden in my yard. 


Thursday, August 15, 2013

Once Upon a Mattress

Yesterday I was taking to a young friend of mine who was recently married. I was sharing with her about our recent purchase of a mattress and how you are making a major commitment to this piece of furniture that you lie on for less than three minutes in the middle of a store. In that three minutes you have to decide if it will be comfortable for many years to come and if it is worth the price they are asking. Once your commitment to your mattress is complete you must learn to live with your decision.

It hit me as we chatted that in many ways this is how relationships turn into a marriage. You see many times we make life long choices but none affect us as much as our relationships. A mattress, an inanimate object is chosen and after only three minutes becomes a major part of our lives. We stand by it and go back to it every night even though sometimes it is not what we thought it would be. I know I have learned to live with a mattress, hanging in there with it even though it is not quite what I had hoped it would be.

Learning to live life with another person and adapting to how they live is tough. We spend time with this person, make decisions with this person and over time decide that we will marry and live life together, but at some point the person you married (or thought you married) stops being new and exciting. Their realness comes out…our realness comes out too, and we have to learn how to live life in a relationship that is different then we imagined it to be.

I know in my marriage I have learned that many of the things that drew me to my husband, now many times annoy the heck out of me. For example, when we were dating, my husband made me laugh. He was so funny…he still is funny, but now he seems to say funny things at times I believe are inappropriate. Other times I will explain to him how not everything needs a snappy funny comment. Same guy…nothing different here except that there is a little worn spot in this part of our lives. Actually, we have a few worn spots, nothing serious just places where we have had to learn to give a little…turn our relationship over and try it a different way. The giving doesn't always last and we sometimes go toe to toe but just like my mattress, I made a commitment.


It really is not as simple as I would like it to sound, but in the end, regardless of anything else once you invest in that mattress, put on the sheets and blankets and make it your own, do you really want to return it? Me either. It is the same with my marriage I have invested time and poured love and energy into our life together.  I have made the decision not to give up on our life together or exchange it, even though it is hard to say if my husband was never that funny or I have I lost my sense of humor. I am also learning to like my new mattress and I’m planning to keep it too, a big decision made in three minutes, once upon a mattress.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Speed

With this sudden change of plans and Aly leaving for school a day early, I am trying to cram my life into a tiny amount of time. I feel like my brain is whirring ahead while my body is running in place. It feels like I am going fast, but not fast enough and all I can do is let my mind go and hold on.

The feeling in the air is excitement and hurry and I am worried that a ball will be dropped or something will be forgotten. Something being forgotten is the best case scenario. What if because we are rushing something happens or what if I am expected to do something and I forget or what if…anyway you get the point.

Regardless my middle daughter will be climbing in her car at 6:00 AM tomorrow morning and heading to her job orientation and her new apartment. All grown up with a little back up from Mom and Dad, who will be following on Saturday with a trailer of furniture and a car full of her belongings. Another child launched on the world and raring to go, isn't life amazing? The one codicil is that her little sister is going along to co-pilot and hang out with her until we (Mom and Dad) get up to school with her things.


Tonight there is a farewell bonfire in our backyard with some of her friends and then tomorrow morning a quiet and probably tearful farewell. The tears will be happy proud tears and all though I will see her on Saturday it’s a mother’s right to cry when she sends her babies off into the world. Tears of joy and pride, tears of sadness for the changes life brings and tears of happiness that the changes life brings are always a journey where we learn lessons and share life. Hopefully the high speed driving force that we feel this morning will subside into a slow methodical well thought out rhythm that we can all handle without going off on each other. Slow and steady wins the race…right?  

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Like Sand in an Hourglass

Note: This morning I posted yesterdays post as well as today's...we were traveling yesterday and there was no available WIFI in my car and no time when we arrived home...it always ends up being about time.

I am watching summer drain away like the tiny grains of sand in an hour glass. Slowly one by one the minutes, hours and days have drained away. Suddenly my middle daughter is packing up her belongings and heading back to college and my youngest is preparing for her senior year. It is funny how all of a sudden those same minutes and hours and days seem even more precious because they are limited.

When summer began it seemed to stretch out ahead as if we could never possibly fill up all of the time and now I am scratching my head wondering where all of the time went. Where was I when the time slithered by quietly draining away? I was certain as summer entered the picture that I would accomplish so much and in truth I have not. In fact I believe this was my least productive summer ever. Is it possible to make up for my lack of productivity in the three weeks I have left? This week will fly by like all the rest and I will be standing at the end of it trying to catch a grain or two from the hourglass.

Yesterday as my middle daughter was going over details for this weekend’s move back up to campus, she received an email informing her that she was hired for an on campus job she had interviewed for. While exciting, it also ups the time anti and we lose a day. Rather than packing her car and heading up to her new apartment on Friday, she must now leave very early Thursday morning so that she is on campus in time for her job orientation at 10:00AM. This means a bright and early three hour drive, checking into her apartment early and more summer sand whisks away. Saturday morning, Mark and I will trail behind with a trailer full of furniture and suddenly our daughter’s summer will be over.


Now all of the things we all thought we had time for this summer are being crammed into the very limited moments that are left. Time with friends, purchasing needed items and a much desired but put off bonfire in the back yard are jammed into the remaining granules of time. If we had any extra time we might be sad but we have no time to look back, these moments are precious, so forward we march into the clutches of Fall and all that awaits for us there. 

Searching for Happiness

We are on our way home from another great weekend with our Rochester, New York friends. Our annual visit has become a much loved tradition. Each year we explore interesting places in upstate New York, and spend time shopping and overeating. These traditions make us happy and they comfort us. Having time to be with our friends and talk about our lives helps me recognize what we have and appreciate it even more.

The search for happiness can lead some people in the wrong direction. Some believe that happiness is the pinnacle, achieving and maintaining happiness being the ultimate life goal, but spending time with our friends this weekend helped me realize what the pinnacle really is…accepting and living out the life you are living.

As we sat and talked about our families and the stresses we share in raising children and making our way in our marriages, I came to believe that my happiness is working through the tough stuff. Difficult relational moments with my husband, frustrating and sometimes excruciating interactions with my children and  mind numbing repetitive days of sameness that make me feel like a hamster on a wheel. All of these things that on a bad day make me want to run away, I realize now are the true definition of every family. We have different homes and cars and cities, but in the end we all face the same struggles. Once again I learned that looking at others and judging my happiness and life as less than someone else’s only cheats me of seeing the true happiness that I have.

My happiness lies smack dab in the middle of thrashing it out with my husband and smiling and laughing at the end of it or having my daughter (who just last week was sick of me) tell me she missed me when she went shopping on her own with a friend. Those little tiny moments are what create my happiness. To think that those moments strung together one after another with no break is happiness is cheating me of the growth that comes from the hard stuff in life. The hard stuff is where we become real thoughtful, understanding and giving hearts. The hard stuff is where we learn about loving someone enough to sacrifice a little of yourself so that they can be happy too.


I am happy. I have the best, most dysfunctional mess of a family, but it’s my mess that I helped create and I love it. I love it so much that once a year, I pack up this mess and drag it across the country to share it with friends. That’s how nice I am. I also appreciate that our friends share their mess with us, it’s a great tradition. There is no 24/7 happiness, it is an uphill battle just to get 24 hours of happiness so take my word for it and stop looking around for happiness because it is right in front of you in that big mess you created.

Friday, August 9, 2013

It Takes Two

This morning we packed up our car, our two dogs and our family and set out for Rochester, New York. The route we take requires us to drive through Canada, so there is always those anxious moments at the border where you hand over your passport with the unflattering photo that no longer looks anything like you and hope that you are not chosen to pull aside and be searched. We have not had any problems in the 7 or 8 years we have been traveling to see our friends for some summer time fun and I am hoping that today is no different.

You might be asking yourself the same thing I asked myself this morning as I showered. Why would anyone in their right mind climb in a car for a 7 hour ride with the same people that have been testing her patience and driving her bug wacky. Well, people sometimes you will do just about anything if it means a chance to get away and especially if it means spending time with good friends that you enjoy being with!

I decided this morning that I would not go to the back of the car to see that the car was packed properly. This normally is where my husband and I generally have our irritation with each other. I like everything loaded into the car in a concise manner with every spot used in a way that keeps items from shifting or falling out when the hatch is opened up. My husband believes that he is quite organized enough and piles things in such a way that I wince and end up reorganizing the whole mess. You are now imagining how much he appreciates my “help”. Everything you are thinking is correct, our trips most often start with this difference of opinion and it’s not a great jumping off point for a long car ride. This is why I chose to back off this morning. In the end all that really matters is that everyone’s belongings arrive at our destination. This concession was a big (huge) step for me!

I honestly know as the old saying goes “It takes two to tango” and by my stepping back and not flexing my car packing muscles we were able to set out with a happy car. My not pushing a small agenda helped keep everyone in a half way decent mood. My hope is that if I continue to check my own backyard (so to speak) I can avoid any altercations and this can be a nice weekend away. This will be our last weekend with our middle daughter, who heads back to college next Friday. I want her to have good memories of our time together and not run to school to escape our loony bin. A girl can dream can’t she?


So in about 5 short hours we will be hugging our friends and unloading our car. I will avoid lurking at the back of the car and judging what tumbles out. It’s not important in the end, we can skip the feisty tango and just enjoy our time away regardless of who is right…at least for this trip (insert big smirky smile here!).

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Ice Cream Therapy

I remember when my Grandma used to sit in her comfy living room chair and eat ice cream. Grandma did not fuss with getting a bowl and scooping out a scoop or two, nope she would plunk down in her chair with the whole ½ gallon (Back in the day when they still made ½ gallons). There my Grandma would sit watching baseball and eating ice cream, happy and content. This was her time and she made the most of every minute, while savoring every last bite of ice cream.
I have never been one to lose myself in food. I love food, but it has never been my comfort station. I’m a talker. I talk to anyone that will listen about anything and everything. I find my comfort in learning from others, asking questions about other people’s trials and how they dealt with them. I have been accused more than once by my family that I cannot use a public restroom without coming out with a friend. That is what happens when you talk, you open your mouth and talk to anyone and they talk back and if all goes well there is laughing and connecting. This is my emotional food and it fills me up.
I do eat ice cream, I really enjoy it. I love soft serve and regular ice cream. I am not above pouring a delicious sauce like chocolate or caramel on top or even ordering delicious things mixed into it; as a matter of fact my Mom loved ice cream too. My Mom loved anything sweet, but I am sure her love of ice cream came from her Mom, my Grandma.  My Mom even served me cake for dinner one night because it sounded good. We sat on either side of a chocolate cake and ate our way to the middle. You would think with a back ground like that I would have adopted a similar lifestyle, but I have not. Instead of looking into a bowl of ice cream, I choose to look into someone’s eyes and learn about who they are.

I cannot judge anyone for choosing to be comforted by any one thing, be it food or relationships. We are all here to learn something and we all figure it out eventually sometimes later than sooner. I can tell you though that down at the bottom of that empty ice cream carton there are no answers and no one is there, but when you reach out and ask someone a question you get answers and sometimes you even gain a friend. Both of these methods are tried and true in my family, ice cream therapy and talk therapy it’s just a matter of opinion. What do you think?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I have been a huge blogging disappointment this summer. I know it and you obviously know it. I tried writing when I was on my trip to England but the lack of free WIFI and the constant on the bus, off the bus, into hotel, check out of hotel did not make for a cohesive writing environment. I am really trying to turn my behavior around. Before I go too much farther, I have to admit that blaming this behavior specifically on one trip is unfair. It has been a busy summer and the busy is not over yet and in the past I have been much busier, so why this sudden lapse of love for blogging?

Honestly, I just lost my confidence and inspiration. I would sit down to write, throw down a few lines and then stare at them, all the while thinking that they were lack luster words that no one would have an interest in. To make matters worse, I was certain that my writing bloom had fallen off my rose and I was sharing, well….basically crap! I felt like my words were boring and not the slightest bit worth the effort. Why would anyone want to read such drivel?

Just the other day, I wrote about A Critical Me, you know, how I kept picking on myself until my daughter called me out about it? Well, that has been me in a nutshell all summer. Second guessing myself and worrying I am boring. When I was plagued by estate and family drama I thought I had more to offer to you. Now when I write it is just Mama drama, house and home drama, back to school, moving away and marriage drama. Is that even worth sitting down with my computer?

So here is the deal. I’m going to write. I am going to try very hard to write every day. You just need to know that I know some days are not very good. I am here shaking my head many days knowing that I have not put my best foot forward or in the words of A Critical Me, “I could do better.” With that said, I feel a little better. I have confessed my writing sins and can move forward with a lighter heart.



Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Warning Explosion Possible


I have been told that loss of a loved one or major changes in life can cause emotional trauma. I consider myself to be somewhat of an expert on emotional trauma, I won’t get into the nitty gritty of why I consider myself an expert, because it is a long old story that you can read in my earlier blogs and honestly it is time to move on. However I am looking down the barrel of an empty nest and its making me a little loco (Spanish for crazy) and it is clear that emotional trauma has set in. Let me start with where this trauma might be coming from…

My oldest daughter has moved to Connecticut, as in the state. All those things that used to worry me now worry me on a grander scale and not being able to physically see that she is well and making good choices is stirring my emotions up.

Next, we have my middle daughter who after a rocky start to summer has settled down made great choices and actually likes being with me…sounds great right? What could be wrong you ask? A week from this Friday she is heading back to college, another perfectly good child abandoning ship which turns my emotions over even more.

My youngest daughter who has enjoyed two lovely vacations with me so far this summer has informed me that she is tired of being with me, she has had enough of our together time and would prefer I basically mind my P’s & Q’s and stop offering what I consider perfectly solid advice about how to handle her senior year that’s ahead of us in literally one month. This delightful tidbit was like being dropped into a food processor. When I have mentioned that that comment has hurt me she explains that it was a bad day and I need to move on…THAT is going to take some doing!

Finally, my husband is here. I mean ALL THE TIME. He works at home, he eats at home, he sleeps at home (I know that’s good, but it adds dramatic effect to point it out). My husband has taken a turn to the curmudgeon side. He is easily cranky, annoyed by the slightest deviation from schedule or normal daily life and frankly not much fun anymore. This bear is easily provoked. Let’s just put the giant blade in the blender and mix up my emotional distress signal shall we?


I have announced several times that I have reached my limit, but no one here is taking me seriously, so I am letting you all know right now that an explosion is not far off. I am starting to feel slightly hysterical and it will not be pretty when I do finally blow. I am no longer even able to talk in a pleasant tone of voice. I mostly speak in monotone and reply in one word answers just to be on the safe side. If they had a bomb robot to defuse me, I would consider it a good investment…but they don’t. The best course of action is to call up my therapist and plunk down on the couch for a nice long mental tune up. At this point it seems like the wisest choice, much better than the yelling and chasing people idea I keep fantasizing about.

Monday, August 5, 2013

A Critical Me

Wearing my A Beautiful Me t-shirt in front of
 Stonehenge on our trip to England. 
A couple of weeks ago I met my oldest daughter for breakfast. During our breakfast, I was sharing pictures of a recent trip and commenting on how unhappy I was with photos of myself. Each picture of me that she would look at, I would share an unflattering comment about myself. That’s when my daughter looked up, stared at me for a moment and said “Seriously Mom, you volunteer with A Beautiful Me and here you are putting yourself down!” then she said “You should trade in you’re A Beautiful Me t-shirt for one that says, A Critical Me!” At that point, realizing that she had busted me for improper self deprecation, I replied “Hmmmm, good idea, and on the back, it will say “I Can Do Better!”  Then we laughed at how ridiculous I was and enjoyed the rest of our visit together.

The thing is, I am critical of me. I am not one to ever think that I am good enough, pretty enough or smart enough. I find reasons to deflect compliments because I am uncomfortable excepting accolades when I obviously do not deserve them (in my opinion, anyway). I always believe “I can do better”. In some ways believing that I can do better is a great way to stay motivated. I keep working at fine tuning who I am and striving to be a beautiful me. The down side is that I continually raise my own bar and make it impossible to attain anything other than a less then favorable review. This is obviously not what is taught in the A Beautiful Me workshops.

Perhaps it would be wise to except that I am a work in progress. I am never going to be perfect, I would however at least like to get to a point where I can like myself and see what others see in me. Recently I asked some friends for feedback on how they see me and this is some of what they said:
Kind and compassionate
Not afraid of challenge
Enjoys celebrating
Values friendships and relationships
Enjoys life
Friendly
Brave
Open minded
Emotional
Creative
Funny
Thoughtful

Interesting that when people were asked to describe me they did not list anything about my crooked smile or my clothes or hair or even my perception that I have a little more flesh attached to my hips then I would like. My appearance was not who I was to my friends, it was my spirit, my inner person that radiated who I was to them.  In the end what is most beautiful has nothing to do with what you can see of yourself in a photo, what is most beautiful is who you are towards others and how you live your life.


I am still thinking of getting an A Critical Me t-shirt as a reminder to myself that I need to change my focus. I love and except so many people and yet I cannot do for myself what I do for everyone else. How can I truly love and except everyone else until I release myself from my own harsh judgment? Perhaps I can do better by accepting that I am more than just a body, I am a living breathing spirit that is filled with God’s love and he handpicked me to be just like I am. That is what makes every one of us A Beautiful Me.