England Trip

I have abandoned the daily updates because my shot at WiFI has been spotty. Each day we either have WIFI or we don't and it was driving me crazy trying to keep up with it so I just gave up!

This has been the most amazing trip. Each day I learn so much and see so much and when I go to bed I fall right to sleep. There has not been one day where I have bored or missed home. Ok, that's a small lie, I have missed my husband Mark and my daughter Alyssabeth and each day wish they were here to see all the amazing sights that Avery and I have seen.

I will try to keep you slightly updated, but do not be hurt if I don't. It's nothing personal.

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Day Two England Trip

I am drowsy but alert as we prepare to land in England in a 1/2 hour. We have been fed subpar food for dinner and upon waking from a fitful sleep I was handed a small croissant, some cut up melon and coffee. Because I am feeling like I am on my own version of survivor, I keep eating when the opportunity arises. For what ever reason I keep thinking that at some point I will be going hungry on this trip. That is why I packed 18 protein bars for Avery and I to share...and two cans of Pringles potato chips. In my mind I thought we would be in constant search of food.

Now we are seated in the terminal waiting for our tour bus to arrive. We found out once we landed that our wait in the airport would be 3 hours...long boring wait that includes a lot of people watching and delightful British accents. Our hope is to have some touring to day and also some opportunity to relax.

Once all of the other groups we will be traveling with arrived we hopped on our tour bus and drove into Manchester, England. We spent the afternoon touring a library, having lunch and telling each other how tired we were. Actually our tour guide, Paul, decided that we would have dinner early so that we could all get rested and hopefully be a little more energetic tomorrow...or today, since it is now Wednesday morning here. That was simultaneously the longest and fastest two days of my!


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Day 0ne England Trip

As I bump along on this tiny commuter plane, winging our way to Washington D.C. For our connection to Manchester, England, I realize that today will be a long day of ever changing levels of concern. This morning my concern was that I had packed way to much and I would have the largest suitcase of all of my travel mates. My next concern was that we would be late for our flight so I spent the entire drive to the airport treating my husband like a sled dog. He was more than delighted to drop me off and wave good-bye at the airport.


Once Avery and I arrived at the airport I was relieved to see that I did have not the largest suitcase, actually I was the average and Avery had the smallest of all, that worry was a waste of energy. Now that I am thumping and bumping along in mid air I know that for the next hour this will be my go to stress point. In Washington D.C. My 6 other travel mates and myself will try to find a bite to eat and then wait for out next flight for 2 1/2 hours. Once on that flight I plan to sleep. We arrive in Manchester, England at about 7:00 AM which is 2:00 AM in my real life.

We will see if sleeping on a plane is something I can learn to do, I do to want to be tired when we start touring tomorrow.

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Four Days

Four days from today, my youngest daughter Avery and I will be leaving for England. This will be our first trip across the pond and we are both very excited. We will be traveling with Avery’s AP English class and we will be touring several literary locations throughout England. I am the only parent going and I had to ask Avery for permission to join her on this trip. My joining her on this trip had everything to do with seizing the opportunity and nothing to do with keeping an eye on my daughter.

All the plans are in place for me to have a room to myself so that Avery can have the fun bonding experience with the other kids on the trip. I am looking forward to the room alone, where I can enjoy my down time and regroup when we stop for the night. I am hoping that I will not embarrass Avery while we travel, but that is like spitting in the wind and expecting not to be hit when it flies back at you. I am so worried about Avery enjoying herself and my not stepping on her toes that I have caused myself a great amount of anxiety. Fact is I will do things that Avery may not like, but she will also do things that I will not like and I guarantee you that she is not worried about it one bit! Avery and I have a great relationship, we fight hard and we make up easy so odds are good that sometime during our ten days on the road both of those things will happen.

My best course of action is to focus on the trip ahead and the packing which totally sucks the life out of me. I am not someone who enjoys packing lightly. I prefer to have all the comforts of home with me so that I can feel good. I also like choices in clothing; a girl just never knows how she is going to feel until she wakes up and having choices readily at our fingertips is imperative. Reality is we will be on and off buses and trains and planes for ten days so packing light is really a good idea. I am really trying, and I won’t be naked but I will not have as many choices as I would like. I have already annoyed Avery by going back and forth between two sizes of suitcases. I know I should take the smaller one, but my heart is with the larger one. It would not be full, but I have myself convinced I will need the extra space on the way home, obviously I will find fabulous items that I will need to bring home with me. I will move everything over to the smaller case just to see what is best, but in the end I think I will be hauling the larger suitcase.

The next four days are jam packed with several activities so my hope is that time will fly, anxiety will diminish and packing will be completed without much more waffling about suitcase size and items needed for a girl on the go. Mostly I am just excited to share this amazing experience with my daughter, her teachers and classmates, and who knows, maybe I’ll make some new friends too.

Just One of Those Days

It was one of those days. Yesterday was suppose to be easy going with a little coffee time with a friend I had not seen in some time and then some quick returns at various stores and then zipping home to make dinner for Mark’s parents that were coming over last night. Ahhhhh I love how things seem so easy and simple in our minds, don’t you?

What actually happened yesterday was this:

I was awakened two different times during the night as our dog Roxanne scratched at our door wanting to go outside. She would run out, do her thing and come back, (her thing was a very upset tummy, if you get my drift). Roxanne would then run in and jump back in my bed. When morning came I was exhausted and concerned. In addition to the back end issues she was now making deposits from the front end too. It was not pretty over here.

All this lead to a soiled comforter that needed to be washed, once that was removed Roxanne then soiled our blanket which I then removed to wash as well. It was not long before she returned to my bed to comfort herself one more time which now meant I would be washing my sheets. It was time to call the veterinarian; this was not a situation I could handle alone.

I believe this all started when our sweet puppy helped herself to a trash bag I had left out for a quick minute. It was an innocent and stupid mistake that I was learning a very strong lesson from. There was my bed that was just gross, my basement carpet where I discovered later Roxanne was sneaking to for some privacy during her distress and of course my all important me time which had to be postponed so I could spend $135.00 to get our dog “back on track” at the veterinarian. A very long and expensive lesson in not believing those innocent puppy eyes for one single second…EVER!

In the middle of all of this dog drama, one of our daughters cars hit the skids so another boat load of cash was dispensed somewhere else to repair that. Let’s just say by the time I was done cooking dinner and entertaining Mark’s parents I was spent and literally just sat doing nothing until I could stand long enough to get ready to sleep in my very clean bed, where my day had begun with loads of fun and excitement. I guess it was just one of those days, we all have them. We look back at those days as a reminder of what a good day really is. Savor every moment people; you just never know what will happen next.

Odd Couple

After 3 long years, we have finally settled the estate. All of the i’s have been dotted and the t’s have been crossed and my sister and I share guarded optimism that perhaps this phase of our lives is over. Working our way along this difficult path we have learned many lessons including among them, perseverance and faith and many days learning difficult lessons at one time.

Through this long and painful process I have learned to trust and love my sister more than I ever thought possible. We started our lives together as step sisters thrown together by narcissistic parents with little or no care for young feelings. We spent many years eyeing each other suspiciously wondering about each other and thinking the worst. Over time, my sister and I learned to accept each other and share a laugh now and then, but we never opened our hearts to total trust.

Throughout this long three years we have released our suspicions, advised and leaned on each other and in time we have each felt our new friendship grow into love and respect for one another. We are an odd couple; my sister is driven and smart with amazing fortitude and patience, while I too am driven, my brain works differently and I tend to have a difficult time understanding the mathematical process as clearly as my sister can. I truly felt from the beginning that I was very fortunate to have someone so gifted working side by side with me.

It will be a while before either of us relinquishes totally to the fact that this long battle for the return of what was rightfully my Mom’s is over. My sister and I are cautiously optimistic. Cautious because we have been in this crouching position waiting for the other shoe to drop for so long that we will have to take our time getting out of it.

In the end I have gained a sisterhood with two sisters, both wonderful people with good hearts. I started life as an only child and I will treasure God’s gift of family that he has given me. Sadly, out of the four of us girls, one of the sisters has decided to go her separate way. Money and the fight for it can create distrust and envy and sometimes those wounds do not heal. Our family is no different. After years of finger pointing, name calling and fight for control there is no going back, we are battle weary and hurt, we will, at least for the time being, remain a family divided.

After three years of battling to make things right in my Mom’s name, my one sister and I have accomplished what we can. We walk away from this frustrating mess of a nightmare wishing we could have done more but grateful that this odd couple could work together to restore what we did. For me the main gift will always be the opportunity to love and trust a wonderful woman who I now call my sister and my friend.

Rest

“I am setting my alarm for 6:00 AM instead of 5:30 AM in the morning.” I told my youngest last night. “You are on your own to get yourself up for your last day of school tomorrow”. “OK, Mom” my daughter said to me. Imagine my delight when at 4:30 AM my eyes popped open and my morning to sleep in became my morning to get up early. It made no sense to keep tossing and turning I had laid there for a while and by 5:00 AM I gave up all hope and got up.

What happens to our brains that when we want the sleep our bodies fight us and when we need to stay awake, we are exhausted and stuck being awake? For whatever reason, my body seems to fight me no matter what I chose to do. In the end all I want is some rest. Why is my body not on board with that?

I postponed my morning cup of coffee, made my bed, folded some laundry, let the dogs out. I also wrote a couple emails and bickered with my daughter about taking time to take her allergy medicine even though she felt she had no time (Hmmmm did she wake up late?).  It is completely selfish my insisting on her taking her medicine…it is so that I do not get crabby Patti later because she does not feel well. All this before I dressed for my morning walk with my friends.

At this point I am awake and I hope that I remain awake. Mark will be home today after another week working in Atlanta, and I would like to stay awake long enough for him to feel welcomed home. Nothing says love like your wife falling asleep in the first 20 minutes of you being home, right?

Perhaps my down fall is expecting this over active brain of mine to cooperate with my body. As soon as my brain thought it sensed my being slightly alert, it leaped into action reminding me of all of the things I hoped to accomplish. So at 4:30 AM all the lights went on in my brain and rest time was over. The upside is I can accomplish more than I expected, the down side…I will probably be tired before it is socially acceptable. I will try to nap so that I can spend time with my husband later (if my brain will allow it). I hope that you are well rested today and that your brain will rest along with you!

Reserving Judgment

in·tu·i·tion

  [in-too-ish-uhn, -tyoo-]  

noun

1.       direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; 

immediate apprehension.

2.      a fact, truth, etc., perceived in this way.

3.      a keen and quick insight.

4.      the quality or ability of having such direct perception or quick in sight.

Recently a friend introduced me to someone they knew and spent time with. When I first met this person I had an awkward feeling about them. I sensed personality traits that this person had that made me uneasy. I trust our mutual friend and decided to give this new person the benefit of the doubt. I have interacted with them at social occasions as well as one on one, always feeling that they were a friendly person with some quirks that made me feel uneasy.

The uneasiness has continued and I find myself being protective of myself when this person is around and trying to reserve judgment. I do not feel comfortable expressing my feelings to my friend, their investment in this friendship is their own and I feel it is unfair of me to insert my feelings into their relationship. So now what do I do?

My friend is a wonderful person who I enjoy spending time with, but somehow this other person seems to be wrapping themselves more and more around my friend the closer our friendship becomes making me think that they (said, other person) are threatened by me and my relationship with our mutual friend. Something this person does not know is that I am not threatened by them. The friendship I have with my friend is solid and we enjoy each other’s company. We know we are friends and it is not a requirement that our friendship be exclusive. I believe neither of us feels the need to tie ourselves together excluding all others in order for us to remain friends.

I have worked to put this uneasiness or intuition aside and remain a steadfast friend, but this is becoming more difficult as I try to navigate how to be in relationship with this other person. I would never hurt this other person and attempt to make her feel badly in order to gain a better ranking with my friend but I think it is important to protect my own well being and remain true to myself. I just need to trust my gut.

Your intuition or “gut” is there for a reason, it is your emotional armor, there to protect you. Some of us are better at recognizing the armor going up than others. I believe that because of the many difficult paths I have walked in my life somehow my intuition has fine tuned itself, and my mind and body go into protection mode when there is a sense there is a possibility of emotional distress. This gut reaction is a blessing and a curse, this feeling that comes over me protects me from becoming close with the danger of interacting with someone that is unsafe, but it also sets me up to be in a tough spot like this.

My friend is not going to release this other person from her own life, but that does not mean I have to welcome them into mine with arms wide open. I am going to trust my intuition and hold this other person at arm’s length. I will continue to reserve judgment we will have to interact and I believe that I must keep our interaction friendly. However if I feel that any boundaries are crossed, I will have to be honest and direct. I trust my intuition and I am grateful for it, but navigating intuition and gut are difficult when your desire is to protect yourself without hurting someone else. I also know that my best advice to myself is “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” Matthew 7:12 in the end I just have to reserve my judgment and listen to my gift of intuition.

It's My Own Fault

At this point, I can blame no one but myself. I have once again volunteered for something and while I am excited about it, I am also aware that my hair may catch on fire on and off throughout the next year. Years ago a friend told me that she thought I was not happy unless I was busy and I think she was right. I also know that as time goes on I think I want to be busier than I actually do.

All that being said, I also like a challenge, working with other people and feeling useful and productive, all things that come from volunteering or working and since I do not have a job at this time, volunteering will have to fill the bill. If in the middle of all this I am overwhelmed it is my own fault. No one forced me to agree to help head up this committee; it was probably the same feeling that people with any addiction get that came over me last night.

I could feel myself getting excited and my mind was telling me to go for it while my subconscious was telling me not to do it. There was also the feeling that I was needed which is a huge addiction of mine that I cannot ignore…EVER! So again, it is my own fault if there are rough patches in my year ahead.

Feel free to remind me if you hear me complain that I was well aware of what I was getting myself into and yet walked right into the responsibility with my eyes wide open and my gums flapping. All I ask is that you don’t judge me about my addiction. We all have something we do to fill an empty spot and if you start pointing fingers at others about their addictions you might get called out about your own.

This situation is all my fault and I am going to stand up and take responsibility for my actions with the codicil that I may complain a wee bit (or a lot) from time to time, but that will be nothing unusual for me.