Friday, April 27, 2012

Losing My Cool and My Mind

There comes a point when you just have nothing else to give. Yesterday was that day. After an afternoon of trying to mother my children and getting nothing but push back I was done. It did not help that when my cork popped and I went barreling over the edge my husband decided to take the girls side. Never mind that he was not here for a good portion of the stress and never mind that it was obvious that I was not in my right mind, it seemed to all of them that I was the problem and that's where the attention went!

So here is where I am at and I really do not care who knows…I have lost my mind! I am done. I give and I give to these people all day every day. Many, many times giving up my own desires to keep everyone happy. I have made meals that people have complained about, I have bought too much of things they do not like or not enough of what they do. I have grocery shopped with no clue what they want because no one here can write anything down and sucked it up when I have gotten push back about what I bought.

I have invested my time and energy into pulling together a party for my youngest because her birthday has for whatever reason always (and I am serious about this) come after other events that people planned on that date, including my oldest daughter's wedding and my Dad who died on her birthday (May 3rd). I decided at 16 she should have a special day so because I am not crazy enough planning for my middle daughters graduation, I decided to pull something together for Avery too. Now, because I did not want her to rattle off the guest list to me at the dinner table she got ticked off at me. I merely asked her to write it down. Apparently she was going to, but she wanted to tell me first. Here is where I was at. I have enough in my freaking head right now, just WRITE IT DOWN. I am now the bad guy!

My middle daughter was mad because I tagged along when she went for her final Prom dress fitting, you know…THE ONE I BOUGHT! Apparently I had originally said I was not going to go and so my changing my mind bugged her. She did not speak to me in the car; she would not let me help her with the dress and barely looked at earrings I was showing her for her dress. I explained to her I was just hoping she might get a better idea of what she liked by looking at some options, but of course, what would I know. "I am never going to wear them again Mom, so I really do not want to spend a lot of money on them", "I understand that, I am just trying to give you some ideas, I really do not want to be stressing out looking for the perfect earring the week of the dance!" "Besides, you might be surprised, you may need some nice earrings more than once in your life maybe you will have a dance in college." I said. "NO Mom, they do not have dances in college!" this from my daughter who has never even been to college yet!

Then at dinner when I snapped because my youngest daughter got mad at me because I did not want her rattling off her list of guests for her party right then and there, the world popped off its axis and I lost my cool and my mind. My husband not being of sound mind, decided this was a good time to pick a side and he went with the opposing team. So now I sit her angry and bitter knowing I still have to cook, clean, mow the lawn and do laundry for these very same people and I just do not want to.

I am sitting here today second guessing how I have raised my children. I am wondering if I have given them too much and not made them work enough. I have been so focused on supporting them so that they would do well in school and now I have two girls that do not understand how much work it is and think that my not emotionally and mentally keeping it together is a problem. Apparently their Dad agrees with them. Well all I can say is TOO BAD! I am over wrought and underappreciated and tired of being treated like I am annoying, you people have the best deal in town and you do not even know it and if you do, apparently you have no idea how good it really is.

If you are getting the idea that I am angry than you are reading this right, I am angry, I have gone mad and I have lost my mind and I do not care one bit. I have been pushed too far and since I cannot go back and stop myself, I am not going to worry about it. Just once it would be nice to have some one step in my shoes for a day or two, pretty sure they would be hard to fill, but if you want to try…by all means do it!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Letting the Anxiety Go

There are times in everyone's lives when it feels like there is more happening or more to do then humanly possible. There are phone calls, projects, people we must see, places we must go. As each item adds itself to the list, the tension rises and you begin to wonder if it will all end with you on a gurney at your local hospital for exhaustion or something even worse!

The anxiety that builds during those times is overwhelming and tends to send your mind scrambling. I have found that for me with the anxiety comes a lot of self doubt. My inner voice begins to tell me what I cannot handle and how not so bright I am. My inner voice also always cautions me to stop acting like I am "All that", for one of my fears is to come across like I am better than anyone else. I tend to always down play what others might see as a gift or talent as "no big deal, anyone can do it" or I don't believe a compliment because I figure it is someone trying to make me feel good, or they just plain feel sorry for this person that does not know how bad they are.

So it is not possible to win here is it? You cannot believe you are good at anything, because it will hurt someone else or potentially hurt you. Yet in the middle of all of this I am trying to keep moving my life forward. I do not want to become stuck and live forever the same. It is time to let the anxiety go. Trying to make the right impression and say or do the right thing all the time begins to take you away from whom you really are and who you are meant to be. It is time to let the anxiety go, it is time to be true to who you are and believe that what people think is out of your control.

What is funny is that I know a few friends who are quite shy. At first I thought of them as judgie (made this word up) and mean spirited, because they did not talk to me. Once I got to know them better I realized that they were wonderful people that just played their cards close to their chest. If I can allow these people the opportunity to be who they are and live happily amongst them, why can't I give myself the same break? Does it really matter in the end if everyone does not like me?

Anxiety is a strong pill to swallow and I am ready to let it go. I no longer need to listen to the tapes in my head that play back mean and hurtful things. I am doing the best I can everyday just like everyone else. As long as I keep reminding myself of that I just might make it.

Monday, April 23, 2012

25 Days


Aly at the age of 4...soooooo cute!

Aly (my middle daughter) told me last night that she has 25 more days of high school left. Two of those days Aly will not be there (in school), because she has been invited to a Drama Competition with three fellow drama students. This part (the drama competition) I find ironic since having three girls, our lives are a continuous drama competition. If there was a drama competition here at my house it could potentially get cut throat. To be fair though I would be in there with the best of them, I mean really, where do you think my girls learned this stuff? Anyway, 25 days from now my middle daughter will be done with high school and her new chapter begins.

 
Things are different for my girls then when I graduated high school, and to be honest I had planned it that way. When I graduated from high school I was not encouraged to have a plan or try to find a college. I was not given help in finding something that I would like to do or even help making a plan. I have floundered around almost my whole life wishing I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up and here I am all grown up and while I am not floundering anymore, I am still waiting for that light bulb to come on so that I can say "OH, that's what I am going to do!" I did not want my girls to start out without a little bit more encouragement and support.

 
It is hard to say on any given day as a parent if you have done the right thing by your kids or not and when they announce that there is 25 days left until their perceived launch into life a parent starts to panic. Are they ready? Are they prepared to avoid the pit falls and hurts of the world? Will my children be prepared to face the challenges of life? Will everyone like my children? Will people always be kind to my children?
The answer to all these questions is NO!

 
None of us is ever ready to step out into the world. I still say that I could have had a much better footing when I was launched all those years ago, but now I believe that no matter how hard we try as parents, there is always the School of Hard Knocks that really gives our kids the best education. Honestly, I have learned more from my mistakes than any other form of education out there.

 
This is not to say that I won't keep trying to give advice to my kids...that's just crazy talk! Every parent likes the sound of "Mom/Dad, you were right!" However, I do not kid myself into thinking that they actually listen fully. They (my kids), like me at their age, are sure that they know more and can do better than I did and I sincerely hope that they do.

 
In 25 days my middle daughter will feel her wings sprouting and she will start her practice flights. The practice flights will not end for a few more years and then before I know it she will be telling me that there are only 25 more days of college. Before either of us even realizes what has happened she will be flying high all on her own. She will have a few bumps and bruises from the School of Hard Knocks, but Aly will be the better for it.
Perhaps this Mom gig thing is what I was meant to do after all.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Resenting and Forgiving

This week has been a one/two punch of life lesson moments. I have been trying to let go of the resentment and anger that I have had towards my Dad's widow. I have harbored resentment towards her (the widow) based on the fact that she was judging me for my relationship with my parents without knowing the whole story. I was also hurt and sad solely based on how my Dad handed his affairs at the end. I was carrying around all of these feelings and becoming consumed with feelings that were eating me alive.

Because I believe that everything happens the way it is suppose to, it makes it tough when things happen that make no sense. Why is this happening? What am I suppose to learn from this? These are just some of the questions that I flog myself with.

The other day as I was driving I flipped on the radio to the Oprah channel (They generally will replay her old TV shows, so I like to enlighten myself when I can). The show that was on was a rebroadcast of a 2004 or 2006 show that had the Ebersol family talking about a plane crash that killed their youngest son (14), the pilot and the flight attendant. The Dad and one of the other son's (21) who actually rescued the Dad were spared. The Mother who is actress Susan St. James was speaking about the crash and how the family decided to stay focused on the joy they had when their son Teddy was alive and not focus on their sadness and resentment that he was gone. Her quote was "Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other guy dies". When I heard that I realized that I died a little inside everyday by keeping this bitterness with me and I needed to let it go.

I also realize that I need to just forgive and release these feelings. Forgiving is not to forget what happened or to release the other persons responsibility, forgiveness is so that your heart remains open. It does not matter what "The Widow" believes or what her part was in all that happened. The widow's life path will guide her through the lessons she needs to learn, my being angry and hurt will accomplish nothing for her and in the end stain my life with anger and hostility.

These are things that I already knew, but it was nice to have the reminders. There are times that we get so caught up in the false sense of what is right and wrong that we forget that we can stay stuck in the wrong place or we can move on and let life work out the way it suppose to. Today I am free and ready to step back into my life with no need to justify myself or punish someone else. I am back on my own path and walking with a lighter load.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Making Time

Writing has been my therapy for several years now. Every morning plopped on my rear with my notebook laptop on my lap. The trouble is that I am running low on time these days with every possible activity ahead of me in the next couple of months and I think I will have to reduce the amount of therapy I offer myself. I of course am nowhere near healed and will still require several doses of therapy a week however I think I will reduce the intensity for a while.

I know in reality this writing is just for me, but I like to pretend that others read this and might worry if I am not writing like I had been. So this is my official do not worry if I do not write announcement to you and to me. I do not want to get so comfortable not writing that I give it up completely, but my TO DO list is extensive and it is stressing me out! Here is a sample…

  1. Finish Graduation party invitations and mail them
  2. Paint new doors on back of house
  3. Prepare items for garage sale before grad party (at my girlfriend's house thankfully!)
  4. Yard work, yard work, yard work!
  5. Last School Play for Aly – Two nights
  6. Finish pulling basement together when Mark is done painting
  7. Avery's 16th birthday (Gifts…dinner…homemade Lemon Cream pie)
  8. Avery's 16th birthday sleepover (Dinner…Homemade Ugly Bumpy cake lots of laughing girls up very late!)
  9. Leave for New Orleans for 4 days (This is always subject to change, which it does regularly)
  10. Honors night
  11. Scholarship night
  12. Last Choir concert for Aly
  13. YARDWORK
  14. STRESS
  15. Make food for party
  16. CLEAN and clean some more
  17. Make more food
  18. Have the party
  19. Celebrate Fathers day
  20. Leave immediately after celebration for College orientation that is the next day
  21. Orientation
  22. Come home and do nothing all day!!

This last item will literally be two months and two days from today and I hope I can make it until then. Odds are good I forgot to add a few things to my list and realistically, I am no different than any other parent with a child graduating however it is good to see it all in print. It will all come together it is just that writing about my life might have to take a bit of a backseat to the actual living of my life for a while. So for now let me just say…I will be in touch!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Sadness


 

After months and years of lawyers and bickering over my Mom's estate, my sister received a phone call from my Dad's widow (I still choke on that). She is ready to sit down face to face and work things out. When my sister let me know about this conversation on Sunday, I lost it. I actually could not talk to (my sister) about it until yesterday afternoon, and even then I started to cry. I was stumped about why it hit me this way and tossed around a few ideas why.

  1. I am angry that after all this time of us trying to get this whole thing worked out the Widow is ready to be done so now we need to jump.
  2. I am worried that somehow we are being sucked into doing things her way.
  3. I do not like her.
  4. She (The Widow) has said mean things about me based on the Kool-aide my Dad gave her to drink filled with stories that were not true, but made me look evil and my Dad look victimized.
  5. I do not want to give up the fight.

This morning I went for a run and as I came to the end of a run, the truth hit me like a bucket of cold water. When this ends, when the fight for my Mom's estate is over, they will both really be gone. Somehow this stressed out, frustrating situation has kept our family alive just a little longer and I do not want to let go.

I have battled for what is right for so long that it feels a little like giving up, but I also know that the longer I carry around this anger and hurt the less joy I can let into my life. It is time to move on. If it means compromise then that is what we will do. Life has a way of moving on even when you are not and I am starting to feel the drag of being left behind. I need to let go, let my Parents rest in peace and live my life.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Get the Party Started

This is it, there is no more fooling around, I have to get my party planning panties on! In just 17 days my youngest turns 16 and three weeks and one day after that, my middle daughter (the graduate) has her last day of school. This puts party planning in full swing. There is much to celebrate and I am on deck to get it going.

My youngest Avery has had her birthday set aside by one thing after another over the years. Starting as early as the age of three, events in our family always ended up happening on Avery's birthday, there was my parent's big anniversary party with a brunch the next day. There were plays and shows at the high school that my girls were in on her birthday. My oldest was married on Avery's birthday and saddest of all, my Dad died on Avery's birthday. We are all determined that this year will be different and we are pulling out as many stops as we can so that Avery's 16th birthday is fabulous.

This of course requires planning. We had a family pow-wow yesterday to determine all the right things we needed to do to make this birthday a good one. Keeping in mind that I am in party planning mode already for Aly's graduation party, I explained to Avery that it needs to be a party that does not involve too much, hands on effort from me. Translated that means that I will use my wallet more than my hands. I will make some delicious birthday dinner and my new favorite Lemon Cream pie (recipe in previous blog) for her actual birthday dinner and the next day is a Friday, so the plan is to fuss over her like crazy, take her and some of her friends to dinner and come home and have Ugly Bumpy cake (pictures and explanation in previous blog) for dessert. After that it will be Girlville with a sleepover and all that comes with that. I am glad that piece of my party puzzle is in place, now I need to stop messing around and get my guest list going for Aly's graduation party.

I have to know how many are invited so that I know how much food is required and how many invitations I need. *This is a party planner tip for any of you facing this same issue. I will be pulling this information together today. I will let you know how this goes since to be honest it is not a fun job and requires me to be hunched over my computer for a good part of the day. Alright, I know I am usually hunched over my computer anyway, but that is for much more interesting and exciting things like other people's business on Facebook and such.

Since that list is not going to make its self, I best get to it. I have to get started on getting the party started…I crack myself up!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Mostaccioli and Lawyers

It should come as no surprise that the busier you are the busier you get. As I work to coordinate menu for Aly's graduation party and also the guest list, I am also trying to make a plan for an invitation to the graduation party as well as the final clothing items needed to make the end of the senior year just right. This includes a light colored dress to wear under her white cap and gown, and "fancy pants" earrings to wear with her over budget prom dress. The more I put on my list, the more I remember I still need to add to the list.

At this point Mostaccioli and Chicken are on our list for graduation party food. We also have some assorted salad type items and a few dessert items, but nothing but the Mostaccioli, chicken, Orzo salad and ice cream are firm. No one will starve, that is certain. However, there may be a nervous breakdown or some anti-anxiety drugs involved at this point it might be both.

In the middle of all of this Graduation fun and frivolity, I am heading to Rochester, New York one minute and the next minute I am not. Then I am on the phone with my sister and our lawyers and heading to New Orleans, then I am not. Next we hear about a phantom trust document we knew nothing about that is hampering the sale of the building my parents company was in and the next minute my Dads widow is making up stories about my family who she has never met. At some point throughout this mess I realized that there is no way possible to ever be fully able to comprehend the damage that has been done by my Dad's greed and deceit.

I have said it before and I will say it again. Money is not the root of all evil it is the love of money that causes the most damage. Greed and desire make people do horrible hurtful things. You might look at people that have everything and think gee, they are so lucky and have it made, but unless they are serving others and sharing their wealth they truly do not have it made.

So with that pearl of wisdom dropped in your lap I must climb aboard the busy train and get moving. Aly and I are heading to spend the night with Ashleigh. We will do some dress shopping and some eating and a lot of talking and hopefully it will be like a pressure release valve on my "to do" list stress.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Headaches and Decisions

I have spent most of this morning trying to make my headache go away. Here it is a beautiful sunny day, (the kind of day that you get many things accomplished with a skip in your step) and I am barely moving. I keep thinking of all the things I need to do and getting aggravated, which only makes the headache worse. Something about tensing up when you have a headache seems to make the headache even more pronounced. I have nothing to offer today in the way of insight or light hearted story telling because it requires thinking and concentration and neither of those things is easy to do right now.

I should tell you that our trip to Rochester, New York has been cancelled, which in light of my headache is a good thing. Aly and I had a long, hard conversation last night about college. It seems there were many doubts on both our parts about a number of issues. In the end the decision was made to take the offer from an in state college. This means that her after college debt will be much lower and her ability to come home when she needs to or wants to will be much easier.

Aly wants to fly, she wants to be on her own and she felt like the farther she went the better. I cannot blame her. She is worn out from all the high school drama and she is ready to step out and define herself in a new way. Her concern was that if she stayed in-state she would still be trapped reliving her high school years and never move forward into her life the way she envisions it. It was a hard conversation, there were times when I felt like I was letting her down, and times when she felt like she was letting me down, but in the end Aly was happy to finally have a decision and so am I.

So today, I have a daughter who made a tough but mature decision and she is ready to get on with what comes next. Her Mom however is moving slowly and taking a little more time to get into the day. If you will excuse me I think it is time for another dose of Tylenol!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Mega Millions

A couple of weeks ago the big focus was the Mega Millions Lottery. There were people on TV telling us how to win big. There were formulas and traditions that people swore by to win big. We are not a win big kind of family. We are not into the casino's and we also pretty much never buy a lottery ticket, but something told me that Mark had decided to buy one, so as we drove to the airport for our vacation, I asked him if he had "invested" in a Mega Millions ticket. He responded that he had bought a ticket and we started talking about winning the lottery.

My husband can be a bit of a negative Nellie at times and his feeling was that winning would be a burden (So why did you buy a ticket exactly?). He feels that you have all of these people that will climb out of the woodwork expecting you to "help them out" or "give them money". He felt like it would cause stress trying to figure out who to help and how to help. I for the life of me could not understand his attitude. We actually got into a little tiff over it because I thought his crank pot twisted panty attitude did not justify buying a ticket. I mean really if it is going to stress you out, why bother!

Here is where I stand on the whole windfall of money thing;

Help people; use your money to do something good for others. Give to your church. Give to your children, give to your parents, plan a trip with family and save, save, save! Take the opportunity to enjoy the blessing and be careful with it. I am sure people will come to you or even expect you to do for them, but that is not your concern. I do not believe it is realistic for anyone to have an expectation that a winner share their winnings. Sharing is a personal choice and the giving should come from the heart not from a responsibility or an expectation. If they expect it, they do not get it, emotionally or physically! I cannot imagine feeling I am owed because a friend or a loved one wins something.

In the end, we did not win the Mega Millions, so we did not have to deal with all the perceived complications. We are still just a normal family with some good fortune. My husband has a job, all of my daughters are doing well and my life is full. I also know that if another chance comes up to "WIN BIG" my husband will probably take a shot at it, so if you think you might ask him for a hand out if he wins think again, because odds are good he will not be interested. Your best bet is to wait and see if he considers you worthy. Another possibility is that you could get a ticket of your own, and to that I say GOOD LUCK!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Two Pair of Shoes and One Shoebox


Nothing tests the bonds of your family's love like togetherness. In the case of our recent family vacation, the bonds were tested even more by the close proximity of our living space. By day it was a small shipboard cabin with two twin beds and a balcony to escape to and by night it was a shoebox with two pair of shoes.

 
When we arrived in our cabin the first day we wondered where they were going to put the girls and also when they were going to put our beds together for that cozy full size bed feel. We were quite surprised when the room steward made us aware that we were stuck sleeping in our twin beds and our daughters would be sleeping in the beds that would be pulled down from the ceiling bunk bed or loft style. The loft beds were put away each day and brought back down at night, so we were only in peril of hitting our heads and toes at night.

 
It seemed like no big deal. We were on a fabulous trip so what was the big deal if we could not sleep together, right? Off we went to enjoy our first afternoon on the ship. That evening after dinner when we arrived in our room this is what we saw…


 Surprise is not quite enough to describe what I felt, claustrophobic maybe? Fortunately we were able to escape to our balcony if we needed to and honestly I think the whole idea was to keep us out of the cabin and out spending money on the ship. Who the heck wants to be the second pair of shoes in the shoebox?

 
Over all we had a fabulous time, but three women getting ready for dinner, showering, doing hair and make-up is no easy feat on a good day and it is no easy matter at all when you are elbow to eye ball with each other. I have to say I am actually amazed that we all made it home with out to much bickering. Do not think for one minute it was a breeze, but we did stay on our best behavior with only a few snippy and sassy comments here and there.

 
Let me put it this way. We all made it home in one piece! What is even nicer is that we now feel like we live in a mansion since we shared such a small location for a week. You see folks; there is always a bright side!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Home


We just arrived home last night from our seven day cruise. We took this trip with four other families and we had a fabulous time. There was a little bit of Momma (5 Moms and 5 different parenting styles) drama and also a small amount of teen girl drama, but overall a good trip. There is some residual feeling of rocking in our bodies and I think it will take time for us to get use to dry land again.

 
A week of relaxing and resting and enjoying ourselves was just what the doctor ordered, but now we need to get down to business and prepare for Aly to graduate from high school. This week Aly and I head to Rochester, New York for one more look at a college there that she is interested in. Then we come home and make the big decision. The fun just never stops here!

 
I am making this short and sweet today because I need to get six suitcases full of clothing washed and dried and there is also the small detail of food. My family expects to eat and I have nothing in the house for them. I may end up doing something simple today and then tomorrow going out for a boat load (sorry, could not help the ship reference) of food.
So, until tomorrow please enjoy a few photos from the trip…
Waiting to board the ship

First Morning...Goofballs!

The ship...The Ruby Princess

The First Formal Night...aren't they pretty?

Checking Turks and Cacos off my Dream Board!

At Sea

Mark and I the last night...