The Closing

Today at 11:00 AM is the closing on the sale of my Aunt Nina's house. All those years, weeks, months and days of stress and worry about Aunt Nina, her house and her stuff will now begin to slow down. The house is empty, except for the piano of course (which the buyer of the house has decided to buy) and it is time to move forward. After today most of my responsibilities will be administrative.

Next week we will intern Aunt Nina in her vault at the cemetery and the end of September on her birthday I am having a memorial luncheon for her friends. When those milestones are met, I hope she will finally be at peace. This has been a quick but painful process for me. I wish that I could have a more loving relationship with her Grandson's, but that will never be. I also wish that I did not have this empty sad feeling.

Last night I sat amongst the boxes of my Aunt's papers that we still need to shred or burn and also poked through a box of old family pictures that my cousin did not want and I cried. How did I end up the family keeper? Why am I responsible to make the tough choices about keeping and discarding family memories? I find myself feeling like somehow, somewhere I have let people (family) down. I have made choices and decisions that in hind sight I wish I had not. I have chosen what memories I want to carry forward and now I worry about burdening my children with the weight of these things.

Today is the closing on Aunt Nina's house, but it will not be the day I close my heart. Today will not be the day I stop wondering how I ended up carrying the torch for past generations. Today will not be the day that I am OK with the past and my choices. Today is just a step forward on a long path of healing and forgiveness. I might just be an administrator, but my heart is still feeling sad.

Year of the Wallet

A cute photo from our trip to Rochester NY

Well, here we are, senior picture day. We have talked and shopped and cried and worried and now…it will be what it will be. There is not an outfit or hair style that can make my daughter any prettier than she already is. She cannot change her personal style or her smile and she certainly cannot try to be like the girls in the magazines. She is perfect the way she is.

 There is no way to stop the senior year train it is already on the track and rolling full steam ahead. I have paid for the year book and paid the fee for graduation (not sure when they started that) and I am paying for pictures today. There will be college application fees and one more college tour and much, much more. This is what I have always called the year of the wallet. I know that these things must be done and I know nothing is free, but a Mom can dream can't she?

 Why does setting your children free have to cost so much and hurt so badly? I have to say I am excited for where Aly's path will go from here and I am also excited to stop flinging money at people that step into the Year of the Wallet with their hands out and some "new, innovative idea that every graduating senior needs". This is a mixed bag of emotion. One minute you are writing a check or handing over cash to someone because your child is a senior in high school and the next minute you are trying to explain to that child that is a senior that they do not have a weird body shape or large "tosh".

 I am in the "Year of the Wallet" and there is no way out but through it, so here I go. I am ready for my daughter's pictures and looking forward to a year of milestones. The cash pump is primed and my precious senior is preparing to primp and me? I am trying to not fuss to much or stress my senior out. I will do everything I can to help her through the pictures and everything else that is coming our way in the months to come. The one thing that is certain is that Aly is perfect just the way she is!

I Do Care

I know it seems like I do not get it, or that I am not sensitive to what you are going through but I do care. Nothing is more important to me than your happiness. I long for you to feel loved and cared about and safe. There is one glitch though…I am who I am and I will always be this way.

I speak my mind. I say things that you find difficult or insulting, but that should not surprise you after all this time. Sometimes I am right and sometimes I am wrong, but I say what I say because…I love you and I do care.

I will always be on your side. You will see me as not on your side because I am saying things that feel wrong or inappropriate, but in order to be what I am to you, I must be honest. I appreciate you being honest about your feelings as well, I like that because your feelings matter to me because…I love you and I do care.

Somewhere between your feelings and mine is a middle ground. I will try to open my eyes and see your side more clearly, but right now it is hard because, I do care and I am worried. That is also part of who I am. I worry about your safety and well being. I worry you will be hurt more or taken advantage of. I worry that you will trust something or someone and it will fall apart and hurt you more than you hurt now. I worry because…I love you and I do care.

Please know that I am here. I cannot promise to see everything the way you do, but I can promise that I will always love you and I will always be ready to defend you. I cannot promise to always say or do the right thing, but I can promise to try. One thing you must know is that even on my worst day I say what I do because…I love you and I do care.

8K

This morning was my 8K run with Mark. I DID IT! I ran the whole time and now Mark is pushing for me to do the 10K that is on my dream board. I am not sure if I am up for that today, but odds are good he will have me talked into it sooner than later.

Forgive my short note today, I am ready for shower and then we are off to a wine tasting with friends. My legs are tired, my body is tired too, but the feeling of acomplishment cannot be beat. I will be back at it on Monday morning.

The Hard Place

It is not an easy place to be. You are not even near a rock, you are just flat up against a hard place and you have no idea where to go. I have been there, many times. I remember being home with my daughter Ashleigh and having no idea where my husband was, I had no money, no diapers and no way to get them. I waited all night and all day and I had no idea what to do. That was a really hard place.

I spent a lot of time thinking during that time and made some decisions. I was tired of his drinking, I was tired of his stealing and I was tired of his lying and I did not want my daughter to grow up with someone like that, so when my husband finally came home, I told him to pack his stuff and get out. I had decided that if I was going to live like this I would rather be alone and count on myself and not have to wonder what might happen next. It would seem like that would be a hard place, but it was a blast through the hard place. I was going to move forward, it was going to be hard, but I knew I could count on me. I have made some mistakes since then, but I have NEVER regretted taking control of my life and moving forward.

I have also had other hard places since then, but I learned that day that I can take care of me and I can get through the hard stuff and I am worth it. There is nothing I want more then for my girls to know that they can take care of themselves and they are always capable of making their own safe place to fall, they just have to believe in themselves. Hard places come and they go but when you know you can count on yourself those spots just do not seem so hard. The hard place is still a tough spot, but you know once you climb over the first one that you have it made and the next hard spot seems a little easier, because you just learned who you can count on in a pinch…yourself!

What is Next?

My sister explained to me the other day that the reason that I am going crazy and never seem to have a minutes break from being busy or going crazy is that I am an over achiever. I have never thought of myself as an over achiever, but when she told me that I had to take a long look at it and I think she is right.

Let's look at this week alone. I am negotiating the sale of the piano from my Aunt's house that one of the Grandson's said he wanted, than he did not want it and then he did and now…he does not again. I have had three estate sales in that house from different companies and neither was allowed to sell it and now as I suspected would happen it is my problem and I have to get it sold and out of the house by the time the sale of the house closes which should be next week. I also just arrived home from a short vacation three days ago and have been making my way through the laundry. I have had to grocery shop, come up with meal ideas and try to get my house clean and let's not forget the garage sale I am having with my girlfriend today and tomorrow. Add to all of this the movie that I went to see with Avery yesterday (The Help) since we had both read the book the movie is based on and I had promised her I would, and of course the roofing guys are back to do our siding and gutters and you have to wonder if my sister might be right. One last thing, Mark and I ran at 5:00 AM this morning, because on Saturday morning is our 8K (5.1 miles) race and we want to be prepared.

So is it that I am a high achiever, or am I just crazy? My girls had school registration this week Tuesday for Aly and Wednesday for Avery. Yesterday I ended up making two trips to the high school because when I dropped Avery off she got her schedule and it was totally not right so in order for her to change it I had to drive back up to the school and sign the change form. As I was driving back up to the school I kept wondering when the steam roller that I am running from will ever slow down or back off. Once again I have to remind myself that I do like being busy and I also prefer to sample the whole buffet rather than just one item, so that could explain why I am always wonder, "What's next?"

The battle continues with my Dad's widow who apparently has no idea what she has gotten herself into and I am pretty sure I am about ready to go down there and help her figure it out since she is living in my parent's home enjoying my Grandmother's crystal and china and has not paid a dime of rent towards what right now is half of our house for the last year and a half. My daughter Aly's senior pictures are next week and hopefully we will be able to pull together some clothes she would like to wear before that time. I also have been fighting the guilt of not writing yesterday, but the truth is I had no time to even sit still long enough to put two sentences together. The one upside to the garage sale that my friend Pam and I are having is that I will be sitting in one place and spending some quality time with my friend. I know I will not be rolling in dough at the end of it, because I have priced everything low and just do not want to bring any of it back home. I guess when I look back over this week I can see where my sister just might be right about me being an over achiever. So I guess all I can say is "What's next?"

Unsubscribe

This morning I spent a few minutes going through my emails and unsubscribing to the companies that have been contacting me daily with their "important" information about their company or product. I have had enough of the constant push from every direction for me to spend my money here or there. I have also had enough of my email box being filled with solicit ice letters. We live in a new world where we are constantly bombarded from every angle with information, some information we want and some we do not, some we can unsubscribe to and some we cannot.

I have recently been receiving information I do not want and because this information comes without the option to unsubscribe I am stuck having to work my way through it. I want to yell out "STOP, don't tell me that!" but I can't. I want to pretend it is not real, you know sort of like the recent rash of "reality" shows. They parade their lives out for all to see and claim we are witnessing their reality, but what we are seeing are their calculated versions of what their lives are for our benefit, but these realities are nowhere near their real lives.

Life is messy. Things happen to people in our lives and to us that we do not want to see happen to anyone. You are watching an accident and you cannot stop it. That is when the unsubscribe button would come in handy. Just a click of a button and you could put everything back the way it was. Unsubscribe to sadness and loss or unsubscribe to a bad decision. Real reality is that that is not possible. We have to walk through the hard times to get to the good times. I have told my kids forever that when there are hard things in their lives they have t walk through them. If they avoid them the next hard thing will be harder and the next even harder until they get through it and move on. I have always counseled them that the first time that you hit the hard bump your best bet is to make your way through and move on. I can only hope that they heed my advice and get help and guidance when they need it.

The truth is reality is tough. Life is tough too and there is no getting around any of it. So I guess I will have to chalk the idea of an unsubscribe button up to fantasy and get on with facing reality. It is not pretty, but it is the real thing and that is what life is all about.

Heading Home Again

Our final summer trip is over and we are heading home. The car is quiet. We are happy to be heading home and sad to be leaving it is a mix of emotion. Another summer trip packed full of activity and fun is over. Tomorrow is the final high school registration for Aly and Wednesday is Avery's sophomore registration. We are face to face with the end of summer and the beginning of another school year.

This is the week every year where I normally make a list of the things I should have done, but this year I am thankful we could squeeze in what we did and excited to get Aly's senior year up and running. Our college search has ignited some excitement about the future and I am looking forward to seeing where Aly ultimately ends up going to college.

Right now I need to relax and enjoy my car ride, because in a few hours I will be starting several loads of laundry, and I will also begin gathering all my garage sale items and carting them over to my girlfriends house. This Thursday and Friday, my girlfriend and I will be spending our time selling off our cast off treasures in hopes of making a little extra cash.

I look forward to being home again and preparing for the garage sale and the new school year. Time continues to march forward whether you march along or not. I might as well enjoy a little of this peace and quiet during our journey home, I will not have it again for a few days.

Ahhhhhhhh



Early morning sea glass hunting with Mark as my camera man

 This morning I woke up and dressed and headed out with our friends to search for sea glass. It was peaceful and relaxing to have no agenda and roam the beach. This afternoon we are heading to a state park and perhaps a little wine tasting at some of the area vineyards along the Finger Lakes of New York state. This is just what an over stressed Mom needs right now. Ahhhhh, Deep breathing, calm, relaxing and fun this is just what the doctor ordered.

 Yesterday we arrived in Rochester, New York at about 10:30 AM. We dropped off our dog Roxanne and our youngest Avery with our friends and headed out to Rochester Institute of Technology for an information session and tour with Aly. After two hours of information and tours we were ready to buy their t-shirt for Aly's college tour collection and get back to our friends home for the start of some rest and relaxation. The hard part has been that Aly's friend that was supposed to come along on our trip bailed at the last minute and we are now stuck with a sullen, temperamental teenager that is annoyed because "I'm bored and there is nothing to do!" I have decided that I will do my best to placate her but it is not my job to make or keep her happy. Random encouraging words here and there are all I have to offer.

 Add to the mix the email I received from my Aunt Nina's Trust attorney this morning telling me that I now have to find a buyer for the piano that her Grandson insisted that he wanted. The attorney is certain that he (the grandson) is not going to follow through (no, really?) with getting a mover for the piano before we have to close on the sale of the house, so now I have another mess of the Grandson's to mop up. Gee, I wonder why we do not treating them like adults, don't you? At this point I am starting to hate the technology that keeps the world so connected on the one hand and glad to know all of this now and not get slapped with it when I get home on the other.

 It will be good to be immersed in nature and fun with our friends today and the rest of the weekend. I will recharge my emotional battery and come out swinging. With that in mind, I think I will take tomorrow off from my writing and keep the computer tucked safely in its bag where I will not be tempted to read anymore emails. Ahhhhhh!

Control Freak

Parenting is not for sissies. Parenting is also not for people who like things done a certain way, especially when you expect your children to do what you ask them to do in the time that you expect it to be done. Throw traveling into the mix and you suddenly feel like a Hitler want-to-be. Here is just a sample of my day yesterday. "Get your room clean; that includes putting your sheets back on your bed." "What are you wrestling in your sleep anyway that requires ripping your sheets off the bed?" "Please get your room clean, I have asked you for the last two days." "I have been gone all day and you are still in your pajama's AND YOUR ROOM IS NOT CLEAN!" "WHY did you put a full size fitted sheet on your twin bed?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT IS ALL YOU COULD FIND? WHERE DID YOU LOOK?" "I AM YELLING AT YOU BECAUSE I HAVE REACHED MY LIMIT!!"

 It was suggested to me once that I should just close the door of my teenage daughter's rooms and not worry about it anymore, but I have tried and tried and I still worry about the messy room. I especially worry about the conversation when my daughter's guest goes home and tells their Mom "Wow, her room was a dump!" Having recently spent some money trying to get a particular teenage room more sophisticated I am even more annoyed and aggravated. Being annoyed and aggravated turns this Mom into a giant control freak who can only yell when she speaks and it also requires me to use the whole of both my arms, waving them about like exclamation points.

 While Mom is having her break down her daughter is wondering why Mom is so upset and why she is being "so mean". This only aggravates the control freak more because Mom was driven to this point by the daughter and this same daughter is shining her halo acting like Mom is a nut job and in need of serious help. All that is left is for Mom to haul her stressed, crabby and tired fanny to bed and hope that when she wakes up the dawn of a new day will help make things better.



The sunrise as we drove through Ontario towards New York


 That's where we are this morning as we drive the six hours to Rochester, New York. Watching the sun rise helped me realize that every day is new. What seems like the same daily routine and the same life is always just a little different. This gives me hope that maybe I can release my control a little bit. There might even be a chance that someday my daughter will be standing in my shoes and have an AH Ha moment as she tries to explain to her own child what clean is and how long it should take to get there. That thought makes this confirmed control freak smile.

Off We Go Again

Is Roxanne not the cutest puppy princess ever??

I woke up at 5:00 AM this morning and went for a run with Mark 3.5 miles later we were home. Before we left I threw our sheets into the washer and when we got back my comforter went in the washer and the sheets into the dryer. I made Mark and me some breakfast, walked the dog and poked around on my computer. At 7:00 AM I walked 4 miles with my girlfriends, got home put the comforter in the dryer and made myself a cup of coffee.
Ideally this would be the end of my day, but it is not. I still have to get my car washed and the oil changed. I have a return at a local store and because I am out of my mind I still have to give my dog a bath and because I am even nuttier I will give my cat a bath too. All this is in preparation for us to leave town again tomorrow. The cat being washed is not a necessity, but since I am already hauling one animal into the tub I figured I would do my biannual washing of the cat to remove his extra fur and dander. It is almost like having two days in one.

 I like having everything tidy when I go away. I like coming home to a clean house and clean sheets. I should also add that yesterday I mowed and weed whacked my yard because that needs to look nice too. I know I am nuts, but it feels good to actually want to do some of this stuff again. I have been to down in the dumps the last year or so to even put out the energy to do much of anything, so while I have the energy, I want to get some use out of it. Since we will be traveling I want the car clean and fresh too. We will pile our stuff and our dog into the car tomorrow morning and hit the road at 4:00 AM. I know what you are thinking, do these people ever sleep? I wonder that myself.

 We are off to Rochester, New York to visit with Marks friends from college and we will also tour a college while we are there. Originally, Aly had two in Rochester, New York on her list, but after some tough talk (about paying for herself), she did some investigating and realized that a little help might not hurt and took the expensive college off her list and added a different Michigan college to her list instead. My head is spinning with senioritis and we have not even started school yet. I hope to make it to June with as much energy as I am ending August with, but at this pace it seems like a long shot.

 It will be good to get away and I hope to relax and laugh and recharge my emotional battery. There will be a lot to do for my Aunt's estate when we return and my Mom's estate is still dragging on and on. Apparently, being married to my Dad for four months his widow thinks she is entitled to a lot more than she truly is and so we have had to ask our attorney to put the hammer down. Ironically, when both of the estates are finally settled, the lawyers will be the ones that truly win!

 It is now 8:36 AM and my day is getting away from me so I better jump in the shower and get busy (or busier). My coffee is getting cold and my anxiety about my tasks and packing have me geared up. The good thing is I am excited about our get away and looking forward to spending time with our friends. I am glad I can bring my puppy princess Roxanne too. So, off we go again, however at this rate I might be off my rocker before tonight.

Picture Perfect



Aly on her fifth birthday...
absolute perfection!

 And so it begins…senior year in high school for my middle daughter Aly and why not start it off with a bang! How about, if my loving daughter yells at me because she has nothing to wear for her senior pictures? How about if she yells at me for going online and getting information on the colleges she is interested in? How about if in the middle of all this yelling we are buying a third car for her to drive and trying to keep our heads above life?

Here is the thing; I remember when my oldest daughter had her senior pictures taken. We had a family friend take the pictures (500 pictures in all) and my daughter Ashleigh did not like a single one of them. Ashleigh blamed it on our friend's photography, but honestly it seemed more like she had an issue with how she looked more than the photography style. Within that 500 photos were plenty that I loved and I was frustrated that I could not help my daughter see how truly lovely she was.

Flash forward ten years and I am faced with my next senior in line and I am smack dab back in the picture fight club. I have explained to Aly that buying new clothes is not going to change how she feels in the picture. I would prefer to purchase a few new items, but use what she has and what she is comfortable in for the most part. We have a few ideas for outfits, but Aly is feeling the new clothes are the key. This is our project for today; we will head out to her doctor appointment and then an hour or two of shopping. Wish me luck!
 As far as college goes, we have ourselves another issue. Aly wants to go out of state for college. This week we head to Rochester, New York to look at two schools in particular while we also visit with some friends of ours. Aly has it in her mind that she needs to get the heck out of Michigan. It feels more like she is running away. I have explained that she can always transfer there and that she could go to a Michigan college for a couple of years, but she is intent on graduating with $200,000 in loans. When I tried talking to her about it yesterday she told me it was none of my business and that she did not need our help or money. Silly girl! Somehow I need to find a way to support her desire and encourage her without breaking the bank. My mother-in-law shared once that she had told her daughter not to fight so hard to leave the nest, because she wanted her to grow up and leave home just as much as she herself wanted to grow up and move out. I find myself saying this to myself under my breath these days.

 The truth is that somewhere in the middle of all of this is the perfect picture. The right mix of what to wear and how to look and also the best place to end up for college. Right now it seems so important and urgent. I explained to Aly yesterday that I did not have my first car until I was twenty and that not one person in my life at her age encouraged me to even go to college much less pick one out. Life is what it is and we all end up where we are supposed to be. There is no need to try so hard to run away and create the perfect picture. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, like holding your new born baby and realizing that you have just created perfection. Maybe I am not making all the right Mom moves or saying all the right things, but 17 years ago I held a perfectly adorable baby in my arms and wondered at how I did that and I need to convince that same baby that she is still as perfect today as she was then and there isn't a single outfit or college that will change that.

The Get Away

Well it has been a couple of days since I have written. I started writing on Friday, but I had plans to meet a friend for breakfast so I put my writing on hold and headed out to meet with her thinking that I would finish my writing when I got home. Once I got to breakfast and started chatting with my friend I realized that I was not going to write that day.

 

My friend and I have a favorite place outside of our town where they have a blend of antiques and quirky items. We love to go there and walk through looking longingly at the things we want and cannot afford and buying that special something when we can. Friday morning I said to her, "I need to go out to The Lamb's Tail." As we ate breakfast and talked she asked me when I was going and I told her "I want to go right now, you want to come?" "I'm thinking about it." she replied. Next thing I knew I was following her home so that I could drive us to our favorite place.

 

After wondering around The Lamb's Tail, I said "I want you to see my kitchen, I am trying to decorate it and do not know what to do with it", and with that we were back in my car heading towards my house. We stopped along the way at random garage sales hoping to stumble on something fabulous and even went way out of our way when we followed a sign and got ourselves lost. In the middle of all of this my gas gauge declared that our gas level was dangerously low and we started laughing at how we would call for help if we ran out of gas, not having any idea where the heck we were.

 

We finally made our way back to civilization and found a gas station in the nick of time and slowly wove our way back to my house. The whole time my children were annoyed that I was not readily available and I received calls and texts asking me to pick up things like hot cocoa. "Seriously, it is 80 degrees, why do you need cocoa?" apparently Mom being on the lamb was not something my kids were used to. I was not catering to their needs and available to give up my car (The third car we are buying is not ready yet) for them to take.

 

My girlfriend and I laughed and talked and it felt like somehow we were doing something we really shouldn't be doing, which made it even more fun. In the middle of my crazy life, I decided to get away. I just needed to step off my beaten path and blaze a new trail for a day or two. I did not write that day or the next adding even more trail blazing to my life. I just needed to do something different for a change and it felt good, but it feels even better to be back at my real life today and bossing my kids around. So far they want a sleepover tonight and some school shopping tomorrow so I have had my dishwasher emptied and a promise of my lawn being mowed tomorrow. I love my life!

Making a Run for It!

 

Mark and I are at it again. We are training for an 8K race at the end of August. I am slowly working my way up to my goal of running a 10K one day. 8K is actually 5.1 miles and last night we ran 4.55 miles, so I think I am just about there. I know I can do it, because I have so much stress and anxiety that it propels me forward. I find myself telling myself as I run, "You can do this, just keep going!"

That is the metaphor for my life right now, "just keep going". If I stop moving forward, I will lose it. Every step I take gets me closer to being out of all of these messes. On Tuesday I had a half hour conference call for my Mom's estate smack in the middle of a get together with some friends. Yesterday I had to spend another hour sorting through my Aunt's papers and making copies to send to her trust attorney. The only thing I really want to do right now is spend some time with my kids and relax. This estate stuff has begun to be more like a full time job. This is why I am running, so that maybe it will help relieve some of the stress.

I am making a run for it. I may not be able to run away, but I can get through this. It is just a matter of time and things will slowly start to settle down. Once that happens, I will be right in the middle of my daughter Aly's Senior year and busy flinging my money at everyone that wants a piece of that action. I know I can do this, I know I can get through every estate issue and even senior year; I just need to concentrate on moving forward, breathing and focusing on my goals. This will help me in life and in my 8K race on August 27^th. All I need to do is "Make a run for it!"

Three Car Family

We did it, we bought another car. We went over our budget because used cars are the newest rage and the good cars are in limited supply, but we found one at a dealership near our home that received the seal of approval from our friend that we call "The Car Doctor". We are now a three car family.

We now will walk the fine line of not calling this car Aly's car and at the same time giving her full access to it. Our concern is that Ashleigh had paid for most of her car and we chipped in eleven years ago. Now we are one of those families that hands their daughter a car just because, with no investment on her part. The trouble is that Aly has been sick for a year. Her attempt at working last fall actually made her feel worse and we had to yank her out of the working loop. Mean while I was finding myself more and more carless as my daughter heals and becomes more active. I want my car and my freedom back, so something had to be done.

The ground rules have not been put in place yet, but odds are good that if we call this vehicle "Aly's car" Avery would have days when she would not be "allowed" to ride in it and since Mark and I are paying the gas, upkeep and insurance it is more our car than anyone else's, so for now this will be another family car. I think once we sit down and talk there will be grade quota's that will need to be met and respect for sibling and parent quotas as well. This could potentially be more expensive and difficult then actually handing over cash to us.

Reality is that we cannot maintain the same parenting style for every one of our children, but I am always on high alert for the fair factor. Fair is not always an option, you just have to do the best you can with your family. My hope is that once we pick up the car we can become a cohesive three car family unit. Odds are good there will be a bump or two in the road (figuratively of course), but over all this new venture will be a good thing for the whole family.

(Pictures to follow once we pick up the car!)

Hanging On

 

Let's see…we have had five showings at my Aunt's house so far, with three offers. The house has barely been on the market 48 hours. In addition the house is completely cleaned out and her ashes are waiting to be interned at the cemetery. It seems like a good time for one of the Grandson's to send a letter with concern about the attorney and trustee (me) "frittering" away his "Grandmother's legacy".

I am in no mood for this crap and while at first I was hurt and sad now I am just MAD! Frittering; Really? Where were you when we were frittering away our time while moving your Grandma from one care facility to the other, or when Mark or I were standing with her at the hospital when she had fallen again and continued to refuse to leave her home?

How about you explain your concern about this so called legacy? How about calling it what it really is…MONEY? The legacy was what I was told was sentimental stuff and of no interest to you. Please try to remember that your Grandmother was my Aunt longer then you have been alive and she has always had more to offer than money.

Also the fact that you are up in arms because you are not being treated like adults makes me laugh. You said you would be back the next day when my Aunt was dying and you never showed up again or called. Less than a week after she died you were calling about her estate and when you had the chance to come through her home and choose your "legacy" one of you came and tried to unlock the house to get back in later and the other of you chose not to show up, that is hardly adult behavior. Oh and by the way, I would like the garage door opener back that you took from the house. You have continuously made commitments that you have not kept, again not adult behavior. If you want to be treated like an adult you are going to have to act like one. Sending letters and making posturing threats only aggravates an already difficult situation.

I am hanging on, but barely. I have no respect at all for the behavior that has been exhibited since my Aunt died. In the midst of this I have my own life chugging away and I would like to enjoy it a little. Somehow I must find a way to set this aside and move on. I just have to hang on a little longer…

Nothing

As I sit here this morning contemplating I find that there is nothing floating through my head of any value or importance. In fairness I should say that most days that is true too, but I write anyway. Today I just am not up to poking around my brain looking for something to write. I am enjoying sitting with my dog and just being, no agenda, no dramatic story, nothing.

Getting Better

Last night I had five extra girls at my house. Aly had wanted to have a campout in my backyard and last night seemed like the best night to do it, so the tents went up, the pool was opened and the bonfire was built. After two large pizzas, several brownies, roasted marshmallow's and cups of pop the girls finally settled down. I at least think they did, because at some point I fell asleep.

In addition to the overnighter, Aly has just about finished her summer homework for the AP English class she is taking this year and she has already made a plan to start and finish the work for the AP Calculus class she signed up for. She and Avery have both completed applications for a local orchard that is hiring. Aly willingly filling out hers and Avery very grudgingly. I had to once again explain to Avery that if she is able bodied there is no reason why I should constantly hand her cash. I honestly think that the work will be good for her. She likes cocooning into her room with a book and does so way too often. I do not want to raise and antisocial Unabomber.

Aly is healing from her surgery and she is getting back to her old self. She is organized and productive and for the first time in a year she is not tired all of the time. I think we finally might be on the healing track. This comes not a moment too soon considering that I just received the packet for her senior year and I want her to enjoy every minute of it without having her health issues hanging out there. I have to say Aly does continue to mother Avery whether in sickness and in health, and I have had to warn Avery that next year around this time she will be down to only one Mom. Hopefully Avery will be able to get along without the extra maternal boost.

All in all Aly is getting better and that makes life better for all of us. Last year at this time I would not have had girls running around my house playing Ghost in the Grave yard or Marco Polo in my pool, Aly did not have the energy. So if it means I have brownie crumbs, paper cups and plates, pop cans and wet towels to deal with, I will take it.

Reached My Limit

I have reached my limit and I have no patience left. There is no nice way to handle it and I actually have no reason to handle it, so my best course of action is to take Mark's advice and give it to God.

I have avoided writing this morning knowing that this is burning in my brain. My head is like a scorching hot pan ready to burn up. Poke me I am done! I have no recourse except to follow Mark's advice and let it go. I have no business worrying over God's plan anyway and if for some reason someone wants to thwart his work that too is not my problem, so at this point my hands are clasped in prayer.

Here you go God,

I give you my worry and concern. I release to you the power I have been holding thinking that I could somehow fix this problem. I know now I cannot. My heart hurts and my mind is turning but nothing I do will change things. In my heart I knew this and insisted on hanging on anyway, silly me. My worry and stress has not made things better and it has kept me up nights when I need my rest most. Only you God can hold this and so for that reason I give you my worry and concern. AMEN.

Perhaps as you are going about your day today you can join me in releasing this and lifting it up. They say many hands make light work, so maybe many prayers can make a light heart. Thank you Mark for reminding me that I am not alone and that I do not need to carry this burden. I am at my limit, but I have just plugged into God's charger for a boost.

Empty

All the time and energy of putting my Aunt Nina to rest is coming to a head. Yesterday her house was emptied out by the auction company and I watched as her ashes were placed into a small box at the cemetery. The relief I thought I would feel has not come, instead I feel empty.

When Mark called yesterday to say he was at the house and it was empty and I cried. I was just leaving the cemetery and in my hand I held the empty bag where my Aunt's ashes once rested. Suddenly the burden I had been carrying was lifting and I was overwhelmed with sorrow. I think that I was so full of determination to move forward that I had held my sadness at bay.

Here it is; my sadness out in the open and raw. As I sat with my Aunt's best friend Nancy and her companion/Aide, Anna at the cemetery yesterday we learned that my Aunt had never placed my Uncle Ted or Cousin Dana in an urn. They were still in the plastic boxes that were given to her after their cremation. My Aunts friends were shocked, "How could that be?" they both wondered. I reminded them both about how pragmatic my Aunt had always been and how she had no patience for unnecessary nonsense. I am certain to her there was no need for the foolishness of a special container. The three of us there looking at my Aunt in her little plastic box disagreed and made the decision to purchase for her a small gold metal container. This brought me to more sadness as I made decisions I knew my Aunt would balk at. All I could think of was that her ungrateful Grandson's were going to be wasting her money on much less important things and I just wanted to know that she was treated with love and respect at the end.

All that is left to do now is sell her house, intern her ashes (which the Grandson's may or may not do) and prepare the invites for her friends to join us on her birthday for a memorial luncheon in September. At that point my Aunt will finally be at rest and perhaps my emptiness from the finality of losing her and both my parents will give way to healing my heart. I hope and pray this is how it all goes it is time to let the dead rest and live.

Guilt

Today's the day that my Great Aunt Nina's house is going to be cleaned out. The company I hired will come in remove the remaining sellable antiques. Sell the other items that are of interest and then everything else will go in a dumpster. That's the part that has hit me the hardest…the dumpster.

When you think about it, it will probably get to you too. Think about all of the things that we decide everyday that we have to have. Things that to us our valuable and necessary, your collections and clothes, your dishes and furniture your family photos and albums are to others just junk…worthless. My heart broke as I took one last walk through my Aunt's home yesterday. I have been there so many times recently and each time I want to just scoop everything up and rescue it, but I cannot. My Aunt saved everything and it filled up her home and clogged up her heart. I must not do the same.

On Saturday I was at Aunt Nina's house to complete the sale of her car. Inside the car the company that had come in to do the estate sale had placed trash bags filled with my Aunt's photo albums and family pictures. There was also a junior high diploma from my Great Aunt Bea (My Grandma and Aunt Nina's sister) and documents from other family member's lives. All of these things shoved in trash bags and then shoved in the car. There was nowhere to go with these items. Her Grandson's did not want them, the person buying the car did not want them and I have stock piled plenty of family stuff that my Mom had when she died. I could not take it back in the house since I knew it would be tossed when the house was cleaned out, so the bags went to the curb for the trash man to collect. Now I have guilt.

I know I could not keep all of those items but my heart hurts. I did not collect all of these things my Aunt Nina did, but I still feel like somehow I have let her down. The truth is I had no choice, I have done all that I can and I need to let it all go now. In addition to the big clean out at her house today, I have made plans to meet her best friend Nancy and her companion/aide Anna at the cemetery to choose an urn for Aunt Nina's ashes. I can no longer keep her in my closet; it is time to release her. I will leave her at the cemetery today and hopefully her grandson's will intern her if they chose not to then I will have that to do myself at the end of the month. Of course my Mom's ashes are still sitting here in my living room in her box and because life seems to be mocking me I have not had the time to release her yet…more guilt.

So many things to think about and do and all I really want is to spend time with my kids and enjoy shopping for school supplies and cute school clothes with them. I want to relax and enjoy my friends and invite people over to my house. I also want to spend time with my husband and get away with him somewhere and reconnect, yet right now there is no time…again there is guilt.

Do not be alarmed, I know that I am being hard on myself and I also know I am feeling guilty about things out of my control. In the end I will tie up my guilt bag and heave it into a giant dumpster with the rest of my life's junk, but for now I am taking the time to look it all over and make my way through it so I do not repeat any of this for my family.

Change the Way You Think

This morning Mark and I went for a run, and at 5:00 AM we were clomping around our subdivision. Mark was wearing his neon vest and a flashing light on the back and I was wearing a flashing light on the front of my bright green shirt. Style was not an option, we looked tacky and we were sweaty but we were on a mission.

We have decided to run an 8K (5 miles) at the end of August. This works well with my personal goal to someday run a 10K (6.2 miles) my thinking is that it gets me that much closer to my goal. This morning after our run, I told Mark that I was not sure if I could get my mileage up to 5 miles. His questions were; "How did you feel after we ran 3.1 miles this morning, were you winded? Could you have kept going?" My response was "I felt fine running, I just kept thinking, I just want to be done" That is when Mark said to me, "I guess you have to change the way you think!" Really, does he think it is that easy? That was my first thought and then it hit me, this is hard to do, but if I push through this and reach my goal, I will feel so much better than if I keep looking at my goal hanging out there and I keep pointing at it but not obtaining it. I also realized that his advice works for all of the things happening in my life right now.

I could just keep feeling like the world is piling on with the various estate and family issues, or I can walk through each thing as if I was walking through my house switching off the lights. There is never going to be any easy way out or an emotional escape, I am going to have to just "Change the way I think" like Mark suggested. There is no promise that things will be easy in our lives. We will have the 3 mile run that feels like it goes on forever and the 5 mile run that we built up to and complete with ease. The difference is how badly we want to get through the rough spots and how we think about all of it.

It reminds me of the Army slogan "It's not a job, it's an adventure". I have never been in the Army, but I am guessing that there are a lot of days when the adventure seems more like a job, but the option to quit is not there. I think I am going to adopt the Army slogan as my runner's mantra and since it fits, I am also going to use it as my life's motto for the time being. Anything that can help me make my way through the endless to do list floating in my head will be a blessing. Having Mark as my pace car during my runs and in my life is also a blessing, and all I had to do was just change my thinking, who knew? I think even though we did not reach our ultimate goal this morning, we got farther than we thought. My neon vest and flashing light wearing husband gave me something to think about and a shot at reaching my goal. This is definitely a mission that could turn into an adventure.

Going To Take It Easy

I am done, sleeping is apparently not going to happen and I am so tired I have no giddy up and go. Today I am getting my teeth cleaned and I am pretty sure I barely have energy for that. I hope I can hold my mouth open so they can get the cleaning tools into it. I just want to sit on my deck and think about nothing, but my brain is too full for that.

This is a slow writing day. I just need to focus on getting myself together enough to get out the door in time for my appointment. Things are sliding on and off my full plate and I am ready to just pack up and get the heck out of here and let all the life chips fall where they may, but I cannot do that. I have to focus on my responsibility to all the things in my life and make my way through this as best I can, for now I am just going to head to the dentist prop open my mouth and take a little nap.